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Phoney Mother-in-law Is Getting What She Always Wanted.

I am probably a lot older than most of you. In fact, I am a mother-in-law myself, but I think a good one. I have an adorable son-in-law that I love dearly. Of course, I have not been so blessed. My mother-in-law is only 14 years older than me. My husband is 8 and a half years younger than myself. This is my second marriage and I already had 2 wonderful children - a boy and a girl. Both were teenagers when my 2nd husband and I married. He and I now have a daughter together. We have been married for 20 years. In those 20 years, my mother-in-law has had her ups and downs. I have never been invited to join her and my sister-in-law when they go shopping - yadda, yadda. Here's my problem. 5 years ago, my daughter-in-law passed away from ovarian cancer. It was pretty much expected, nonetheless, it was devastating, heart breaking. It was just 1 week before Christmas and my son and his wife lived over a thousand miles away. My daughter-in-law chose cremation, therefore, there was no service at that time. My son and his mother-in-law later scattered C's ashes together in a special spot and a small military ceremony took place because C had spent 4 years in the A.F. My son came home immediately and spent the Holidays with my husband and me. Of course, my husband had to work, so I spent all those long, agonizing, tearful days with my son. He was absolutely torn up, as I was, not only for the loss of C, but seeing what he, my son, was going thru. To this day I still break up just talking about it. But, okay, now on with my MIL horror story. My MIL did call as soon as she got word that C has passed away. She was very kind and sympathetic in her 3 minute conversation. Now comes Christmas, where we are expected to be and I am expected to bring at least half of the food. SIL brings basically, herself and her husband and maybe some storebought rolls or meat because "She doesn't cook!" Even though I had my hands full in dealing with my son in all his despair, and me in my own grief, I was still on the line to bring half the meal. Okay, I did that. At her house on Christmas, she was very kind and consoling towards my son, and even to me. She did tell me to call her if I needed anything. Well, that was the 25th of Dec. My son left and went back home on the 6th of Jan. Never a phone call from MIL. Then comes Feb., Mar., April. In the meantime, she calls her son, my husband at least a couple of times a week to see how my son is doing. My husband kept telling her to call me because I am the one that speaks to him every day and I know better how he's doing. Do you think she ever picked up the phone even one time to call me?? HA!!! It's now a week, maybe 2 , away from Easter. Dear MIL calls my husband, not me, to issue her usual invitation and to tell my husband what I am to prepare as far as food to bring! My husband told her at that point, flat out, that I had no intention on coming because she should be calling me, not him. Well, she totally flipped out. A couple of days later, she finally, after nearly 4 months, calls me. She already had a chip on her shoulder when she called tell me that she was having Easter at her house and that I was invited too. She was angry, cold and rude. I don't even remember what I said, but I was sure not to be as ugly as she was, but one thing led to another and before I knew it we were in a battle. Her more so than me. She was PISSED. I ended up hanging up on her, not only because she started dissing my family, but because I knew we were not going to get anywhere except madder. That is the last time I have ever spoken to her. My husband and all of the kids still go and celebrate Christmas with the MIL and FIL, just on a different day while I sit at home and while she complains that she wishes things were different. They could have been because my husband tried at arrange a "sit down and talk it out meeting" on 2 separate occasions with them, but they never stepped up. I rather feel it was their place to go the next step since my husband made the first proposal. Anyway, it's like I told my husband all those years ago when we would fight about this- (He thinks I should've just kept my mouth shut) that this would end up being the death of our marriage. And I guess I was right because we, just tonight, have decided to go our separate ways. I can't handle his ill-support, her nastiness in what she says to him about me and always being the one who is left out because I have to sit home whenever MIL, FIL, SIL and BIL have a birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Christmas and whatever else they decide to celebrate. And I'm supposed to just suck it up and not feel hurt or angry. Well, I just can't deal with it, or her, any more. I just don't understand how a mother, who professes to love her son, can hurt him and destroy his marriage without feeling any guilt. I just know I could never behave this way, with such animosity or hatred at the expense of my son or daughters happiness. I really am curious as to what others think. If any of you have any advice or words of wisdom, I would certainly appreciate hearing from you. I keep saying I'm going to a therapist so I can get this off of my chest once and for all. Just haven't done it yet!
shell1818 shell1818 56-60 3 Responses Aug 9, 2012

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I also think part of the problem is that you're not a buffer for him anymore and he has to put up with his mothers crap all by himself. I think that's what actually started the whole thing - he told his mother you weren't coming for easter. So, he started the downfall.

I still think you should go see a therapist. They should be able to help you cope better than an online site.

You didn't do anything wrong. The main person in the wrong here is not even your mil. it's your husband. He should have stood by you through all of this. You got the short end of the stick in my opinion. If he was going to put his mother before you for holidays, etc. i think you're better off without him. Oh, your mil isn't blameless in this at all. But, it was up to him to give her boundaries and put her in her place and protect your from any of her nastiness. He didn't do his job as your spouse.

I understand where you're coming from because i feel the same way. Have already spoken to my own children and they know that whoever they end up marrying - that person and their children should come first in their life before anyone else. And if mil was badmouthing you in his or your childrens presence, he should have left immediately. Shame on him for not doing that.

Of course he wanted you to keep your mouth shut. Sacrifice his wife's self esteem so his mommy can be happy. I would've done the same as you. Actually, i probably would've opened my mouth up alot sooner. With the bringing half the food crap while sil brought nothing.

Go talk to someone. You need to feel better for yourself. gl

Hugs..