My Mom-n-law and Sis-n-law Hate Me!!

I need a lil' perspective here, because I'm about to go crazy.

I have been married for 12 years and have 3 great kids. My husband's only family is his mom and his sister. His alcoholic father passed away about 9 years ago. Yep, you guessed it, hubby is a (self-admitted) alcoholic too. On a scale of 1-10 (10 being full-blown drinking motor oil alcoholic) my husband is a 5. It sucks! His sister is a pretty heavy drinker, who probably has issues w/alcohol as well, but I won't go there right now. Mom drank and drinks still. I'd say that there was quite a bit of dysfunction in that family.

Not only am I dealing w/hubby's problems and what it has done to our relationship and our family, I am dealing with alienation from his mom and specifically his sister.

I am a people pleaser and want everyone to like me. I really wish I wasn't this way. For 10 years I tried very hard to connect with his sister and mom. I went to every family function. I invited them to our functions. I invited his sister out with my friends. I adored and treated his sister's children as if they were my own. I also listened to his sister time after time complain about her sorry life and her sorry husband (who isn't really that bad). I took her into our home for days when she needed to get away. During all this time I also had to listen to her criticize and point out as many of my character flaws that she could. My cooking was wierd or I didn't have the right utensils to cook with or tissue in the bathroom or my sons nails weren't trimmed or my house was a mess or blah blah blah. I got so tired of her telling me about her wonderful skills as a person while constantly putting mine down.

The bad part.

I lost my cool one evening. I was mad at my husband for a bad drinking episode and we were suppose to go out with his sister and her husband. My husband was still drunk from the night before when we went out. That irritated me. My bro-n-law got us thrown out of a club for some reason, I don't know, where we had to sit an have a talk with the cops outside. This is not me!!!! I'm a nice girl.  I drink once in a while, but I've never even taking any type of drug before. This irritated me. In the car on the way home (we weren't driving), my sister-n-law states that she wants us to be dropped off at another bar. I shouted NOOOOOO! We went back to our house where my mother-n-law was baby-sitting. My kids were sick that day and were on medication that they needed to take at a certain time. I told my mother-n-law to do this. I asked her if she did when we got home. She said, "nah". This irritated me. His sister was on me about something I wasn't doing right or something I didn't have in my fridge and I lost it. I really, really lost it. I screamed at her like I've never screamed at someone before. I was shaking and crying at the same time. My husband was speechless. I ran upstairs and got into bed. My husband stayed down stairs with this sister the whole night. My husband stayed with her in our living room the next day until about 4pm. They hung out and ate and acted as if all was o.k. I stayed up holed in my room that whole time. I told the kids I was sick.

I can't get over it. I can get over his sister and the fact that she hates me but I can't get over my husband not supporting me on this one. He had told me many times that I should just tell her off. When I do, he doesn't support me and gives his support to her. He still doesn't understand my hurt over this.

After this episode, his sister told me that she couldn't have me in her life and said something like "we all know how you are" and that my husband was the one telling them how I was. I also found out that he told his mom that I was a disorganized slob, which is absolutely not true.

My husband is not taking my feelings seriously here. He is telling me that I'm being childish for holding a grudge. But, he hasn't done anything to show his support for me. He has clearly showed his family that he's got their back. If he isn't saying nice things about me to them, what chance do I have?

I am about ready to quit this marriage. He could care less about my feelings and has too many issues of his own to love me. Right?

jesseee jesseee
36-40, F
5 Responses May 2, 2007

Go to al-anon meeting first by yourself. Then urge for him to go to alcoholics meeting. If he refuses. Suggest marital counseling. If you're able to get him to go to that, make sure you stress to the therapist that he and his entire family has a drinking problem, right off the bat. Because if you don't, he will turn it around on you as the crazy person.<br />
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If you can't get him help for anything, then you may need to separate, or file for a divorce. Just remember, you need to put yourself first, then you guys as a married couple. Also, marriage cannot work alone as one person always trying to fix things, it takes two to tango.<br />
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I hope this helps.

Sorry about your sad story. Have your ever talked with a therapist or attended AA. Alcohol is a Family problem not just the person that drinks. I have been married to an alcoholic for 40 years. He had not had a drink for 30 years but would not accept any type of help from a therapist. Our marriage had now ended. They lie and they change their stories to suit the occasion. You need to get some help to deal with all of this

Sorry about your sad story. Have your ever talked with a therapist or attended AA. Alcohol is a Family problem not just the person that drinks. I have been married to an alcoholic for 40 years. He had not had a drink for 30 years but would not accept any type of help from a therapist. Our marriage had now ended. They lie and they change their stories to suit the occasion. You need to get some help to deal with all of this

Have a heart to heart with your husband. Exclude name calling, finger pointing, and raising voices. Be calm, cool, rational, and most of all, loving. You love him and it's obvious that he loves you or else he wouldn't have stuck around. Tell him that you love him but you're up to your ears now. Suggest AA or rehab even. If he's willing to get help and make it stick, then he's willing to take back control of his life. It's gonna be rough but hold on. And if he's going to go through with the AA or rehab, try to keep the in-laws in the dark about it. They are probably the worst influence in this case. How would someone quit something if they're surrounded by it constantly?<br />
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And remember, if you need anything, we're here :D

You have a lot on your plate and rightfully so you are at wits end. I would first advise going to an Al-Anon meeting which is for family members that are exposed to alcoholism. I believe this will help you gain perspective on what you are dealing with. I come from a 3rd generation of alcoholic family and these types of families are extremely dysfunctional and co-dependent. A bond was created years ago with your husband, his sister, and his mother to combat his father's alcoholism, and it sounds like that unit still exists today. People who are alcoholics displace a lot of what they dislike about themselves onto other people (hence all the criticisms). Your husband, in his defense, really and truly doesn't know how to get out of this warped world that his family has created so he his blindly following the footsteps of his father and repeating the pattern of alcoholism. First, find out as much as you can about the disease of alcoholism and the pattern of behaviors associated with alcoholism, this will assist you in gaining perspective and insight into what is going on. Then decide if your husband is at a point that he can address his alcoholism. The next step is the most difficult, decide what is best for you and your children, then make whatever changes you decide. As hard as it is, do not take anything the mother and sister say to personally. It sounds like they are projecting their own demons onto you and making you the bad guy, this is a common trick of denial that alcoholic families exhibit. Good luck!