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Not All of Us Hate Our Mother-in-laws

Not all of us hate our mother-in-laws.  Here is tribute I wrote and read at a mother's day service. To be honest I'm tired of the hated mother-in-law syndrome. From what I've seen the blame for bad relationships cannot be placed on just the mother-in-law.  If you hate her, trust me your actions will come across that way.  So if you have the gall to say that you hate her.  You probably deserve the way she treats you.  (an honest look at it never hurt anyone.) I know you might think you have "just" shared your opinion, but think back about the tone, attitude and feelings behind the words you spoke. Trust me when I say, if you had an agenda or felt anger, frustration or annoyance she picked up on it!

Due to several comments I've read, I'm going to add one more note.  I do understand that in certain situations your mother-in-law might certainly be to blame.  I have come across a few women in my time who would have been impossible to get along with. But as a human being, and as a mother irregardless of their actions they still deserve your respect. By that I mean you can still be kind and respectful while taking the necessary precautions to protect yourself, your children and if necessary your husband from mental, physical or emotional abuse. I also have such people in my life, where each words needs to be weighed and measured before spoken to avoid confrontations, but I still believe that as a parent they deserve my respect.

We just don’t give mothers-in-law enough credit. And we certainly don’t on Mother’s day. Mother-in laws are stereotyped as a negative presence in our lives. Our culture demonizes them, or tells jokes about them, or simply tolerates them. We hear stories about clingy and possessive busybodies who will go to any lengths to control their sons or daughters. But It’s not always that way. When I first met the woman who was to become my mother-in-law, granted I too was intimidated. Who wouldn’t be? When I could see immediately that she was a woman of intelligence, strength and integrity. I could also see that she had a voracious appetite for life and a ferocious love for her family. Woe unto anyone who dared criticize or attempt to hurt one of her brood. Mary was proud of her two children and fiercely protective. The more I learned about her the more I appreciated her individuality, generosity and loving heart. My mother-in-law has become my inspiration. She has always been a virtuous and godly woman; a model wife and mother. My mother-in-law is also our family’s rock. The one that everyone counts on She is always giving of herself. She unselfishly gives of her time helping in any way she can. Which means she is often stuck helping her daughter-in-laws with projects they start but aren’t sure how to finish. But perhaps one of her most astonishing attributes, is her sense fairness.  No matter who, child or a spouse she is always on the side of truth and justice.  That is a truly rare gift! When I became a part of the family my mother-in-law embraced me immediately as one of her own. It took a bit of getting used to, but I love it. Over the past few years we have grown closer. She has become a true friend. Her wisdom and guidance is something I cherish and often seek out. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye on everything, but it doesn't matter.  The key is that I love her, and amazingly enough SHE LOVES ME ---weaknesses, flaws and all.  Her love is something I can be absolutely sure of.  It isn't relative to her son...it's just between me and her.  And although I know this strong woman has her opinions, as any woman does. She is the perfect grandmother and a wonderful mother-in-law. It is my privilege to call her mom, and for my daughter to call her grandma. I love her and I respect her.     I tell her that on occasion but I wanted to tell her here again today on Mother’s Day.

tearsfallen19 tearsfallen19 18-21, F 66 Responses May 4, 2007

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Hey Tearsfallen, I'm sincerely glad to hear that your relationship with your MIL has worked out for you and hope that it doesn't change. You're right, not all MILs are evil, vindictive, manipulative, passive-aggressive, and many more disdainful adjectives.

However, if things were to go south and things are no longer as great, I hope you wouldn't find a post like the one you've written to shame you on how you feel and how invalid your existence is as a DIL just because you don't view your MIL as "perfect."

Good luck to you and the rest of your married life.

I'm jealous! Wish my MIL was like that. This is how she embraced me, for the Christmas gathering she told me that my children and I were invited. How's that for starters!!! The don't do well with outsiders who are not blood related. My MIL is the most selfish women I have ever met. She is none of those things you described about your MIL.

oops, NOT should be between I and were.

That is wonderful that you have such a m-i-l. For years I prayed for one just like that. For years I had my own mother and my husband say it was me. But then I realized something....my husband's problems with his mother began LONG before I came into the picture. UNlike your m-i-l she neglected and allowed my husband to be abused. SHE denied him of any affection. She chose a golden child and manipulated her family. When I came along my husband was damaged. I endured years of abuse because he learned how to abuse and manipulate from his family, and to be honest I think she encouraged him to abuse me because noone was to be treated better than her. Just like there are great mother in laws out there, there are great daughters in laws as well. Just because I never had that experience I know they exist, so please dont make the mistake of assuming that we just dont like mothers in laws. Many of us have been abused by these cunning devils and have bent over backwards, we are just tired and have said ENOUGH! No one deserves to be abused or mistreated or unloved as entertainment. No one has the right to do that to you, even if that person is the parent of your spouse.

**** that. All that.

If you don't have a problem with your Mother-in-law that is great for you. We truly are happy for you. We don't wish our problems on any other person. But don't bring your high and mighty act into a forum that is here for us to VENT our frustrations. This is a place where we can find the needed support of others with the SAME experience as ours. Don't come here and undermine how we feel or say we don't have the right to feel that way. We don't hound your groups and dismiss what you have to say or how you feel. As for respect, yes I respect them as his parents, but that does not mean I have to respect them as people when they don't deserve it.

Amen!!!!

I was thinking the very same thing!!! Seems like an MIL who took offense to some truths written here, perhaps?

She's right in that not everyone hates their MIL. I don't actually *HATE* mine, but dislike her a great deal. It seemed a bit wordy to write "I Dislike My MIL A Great Deal" for the threat title, however ;)

I am "polite" to my MIL - far more polite to her than she is to me. I was raised to treat everyone politely. Respect, however, is something that is earned. By me being polite, that *IS* being respectful...but make no mistake that my MIL has not behaved in any way that would have earned my politeness. It is simply good breeding.

I have to agree with the others. I don't even have a mother in law, yet I still think you posted this experience in the wrong place. It needs to be in either the "I Love My Mother In Law" or the "I Think The Entire World Is Living My Exact Same Life" section.

Trust me, if you had to deal with my MIL, you'd be much more understanding toward those of us who have mothers-in-law from hell! My MIL not only admitted that she's showing blatant favoritism of her other grandchildren over my child BECAUSE SHE'S DISABLED, but told me she's not doing anything wrong, doesn't care it hurts her son and me, and she's going to continue doing it! Can you blame me for severing ALL contact with this horrible, vile, despicable woman! She doesn't want anything to do with her own grandchild simply because the child was born disabled!!!

"To be honest I'm tired of the hated mother-in-law syndrome".
Then you are in a curious place! I feel that your assumptions concerning the relationship between the majority of MIL's and DIL's is generalized and incorrect. It's nice that you have had a good experience, but the majority of us here have not. My relationship with my MIL was wonderful for the first two years, and I thought that I had lucked out. We called and chatted weekly, emailed, sent cards and letters, and exchanged visits without any issues. Then they came to visit us where we were both stationed in Germany. I went all out on their visit. And I was stabbed in the back, without cause. She took my husband aside, and told him that she didn't think that I loved him, that I was using him, that there was no future in our marriage and that when (not if!) the divorce happened that his old room was waiting for him, newly remodeled, that she had already spoken to his high school employer and that his job at the garage was waiting for him, and that mom would buy him anything he wanted if he would just separate from the military and move back home. This was all pre-meditated, obviously. I have ADPKD, a hereditary kidney disease, and I have elected not to have children in order not to pass on my condition. So that was the first strike against me: no grandchildren. Before I was medically discharged a year after their visit, I had planned to serve a full 20 years in the military, thus keeping us abroad and away from home and mommy (even though we had spent the 2k in airline tickets, rental cars, and vacation leave to visit them annually). Strike two. Ultimately, I believe that when she finally decided to underhandedly try to sabotage our marriage was when she learned during their trip that we planned to relocate and settle back in Oklahoma, where I am from and have numerous family, once we had both retired instead of in Indiana where they live. Strike three. Since that day, she has been pure evil: making up lies, accusing me of abusing her two adopted children during their trip, (kicking them! I would never) of saying hurtful things to her, (I haven't spoken to her since her behavior in Germany three years ago, so explain that one!) and even complaining about things which happened before their visit and which had never been a problem before. She has accused me, insulted me, and slandered me. I have not retaliated, I have merely closed her out of my life. So before you accuse, take into consideration that not everyone here who is here to vent is without cause.

I'm glad your MIL is such a marvelous person. But before you take the rest of us to task, please understand that we haven't all been so lucky. My MIL is a case of arrested development who believes the rest of the world exists so that she doesn't have to do anything for herself but eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. And I don't mean just myself and my SO: she recently guilted an elderly neighbor who shouldn't be driving into taking her to the doctor because she didn't want all the trouble of calling a cab. (You can only thank God that they didn't have an accident.) Her whining and complaining and constant scenes and suicide threats have simply worn out my SO's feelings for her: he's just waiting for the day her refusal to take care of herself lands her in supervised living, because then he'll never have to see her again. It no doubt sounds frightful, but it's the plain truth.
The fact is that if you want someone to care about you, you have to give them a reason to. My MIL is like someone who wants you to build her a house, but keeps walking away with the bricks and mortar you need to build it.

Yeah, except your message fails to take into account people who are verifiably mentally ill, pathologically self-absorbed, and make life MISERABLE for those around them. I don't have the time, energy, or patience to bother "respecting" them. I just try to keep their impact on my life to a minimum.

I think you got lucky with yours & mine's lovely, but the MIL's on here sound wretched! I wonder what cause such dreadful MIL behaviour? Is it ' empty nest syndrome?' However only way to get respect is to give it & these MILs are wearing & tearing these women down to the point of ridiculous.

In my case I don't hate her. I'm just tired of "respecting" her when I get walked all over. I know I make mistakes but I deserve to be happily married without her being rude and hurtful. I've been the scapegoat when we don't show up. Even after they know my hubby has to work. And they have a complete disregard for my feelings. I have proof and a story for that but wont waste my time. I just wish they would give the respect I issue to them. Like I said I don't hate them. Its just exhausting trying to not be hated. Mil's need to remember the woman their son marries isn't them. We aren't trying to be. We love their sons and if the mil would have boundaries and not be rude I know mine would be more than welcome in my home more. Not getting along isn't what most people want but being mistreated will lead to resentment

I agree misscarefree with what you stated here. DIL's should be celebrated for trying to make a life with their adult child. It usually is the goal of the DIL's to make their man happy.

It is exhausting to try and make peace with a common ground approach to the whole relationship. I found not putting my husband in the middle and making him choose or garner support from him, I decided to fight my own battle and do it with respect when deemed necessary. MIL's do need to respect the boundaries between a husband and a wife. That said, I understand they don't sometimes. I'm a MIL and I make sure I keep my boundaries in place and not be a overbearing in-law.

I would love to hear a story from you. Perhaps you will share....

adult child is the adult from the MIL--who is their son.

I have. Both were when I was angry though. This is my venting place so when I talk to her I say things in a non offensive way that puts her on defense. I know in talking to people about situations like this its best to vent so I can handle my wording more eloquently with out breathing fire. I have a temper and know what I need to do to stay calm and handle things the right way

We all need a place to vent, I do so on this site as well. You are absolutely correct in keeping tempers in check. I lost my temper a few months ago on my MIL because her interfering was too much. When we bottle it all up inside, it can take that one moment--and we can explode. If we can prevent that from happening it will be best for everyone. Good luck dear.

Hey misscarefree, I just totally agree with you. tearsfallen 19 is just one of the fews who have a good MIL. I dont deny that there are really good ones out there. Just mine is not like that. If tearsfallen19 has never encounter one, she will never fully understand.
I have told my self many times to put all the anger behind, and just talk to her nicely and politely. But she always takes advantage and would reply me in a crude way. So the best is... not talking to her at all.
But sometimes she would irritate me by ranting on my kids over small issues. That make me super mad, and yet I cannot do much.
That's why I just turn to this site, just to share a piece of my story.

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There is nothing more a DIL wants in life than to be respected and liked by her husbands family especially his mother! I have been married for 13 years and have like you always thought the world moonshine and roses and that my MIL feels the same way I do about her (fond and respectful) and we even had great times, until out of the blue when my father was here on a visit and it so happens that she also stayed over one night, her and my dad were alone at our home, she decided to air her true feelings towards me towards my own father, she basicaly called me trash in my own home to my own father and judged me a bad mother,wife and all round women - needles to say I felt very hurt and betrayed as I like you thought this women has accepted me and likes me for who i am - i am glad there are no issues between your MIL and you and hope for your sake there wont be, but please dont be naive and fall into the same trap i did! I do know that most of this comes out of a deeply insecure place on her part and that in some way she probably felt she is losing her son, but these MIL also need to understand that their DIL were born in different era's to them and that no two homes are run the same - so am I a ***** for venting when I am called trash by my husbands mother only because I refuse to follow the stereotype of the women ALONE is resbonsible for all chores in the house, when my husband and I both work? I dont think so - also remeber that respect is earned and not demanded just because of age! I have learned that if an adult cannot show some human dignity and treat a younger person with some respect, then they are not worthy of receiving respect themselves!!!!

mell, your story is a sad one. I also believe that respect is a two way street. You made some good points which I agree with. I believe that the son's mom feels a loss when they take a wife. Also, (which is a good point you made) generational --women conduct their households differently. In todays society we all work or contribute differently than years past. Perhaps an inner jealousy is there but the MIL's don't realize it.

What I find works for me, and as you mentioned which was great, what we prefer in our 20's, 30's (so on) is not going to be the same as in our 50's. For me that is so true, my tolerance level is not the same, my importance in life is different, my interests are different and my priorities are different.

It is not about them, it is about all of us. Celebrate girl!!!! You gave some good advice/wisdom! :)

Hey, I understand exactly how you feel. My MIL talks behind my back, either to my SIL or to my husband. Sucks right? There was this time she actually said my parents was crazy to ask myself , my husb and kids for dinner out for 2 consecutive weeks due to some festive celebration. Seriously would ou be able to accept that? I heard it with my own ears. Can you imagine how rude can she be?
Anyway, I have learn something through all this. I cannot force anyone to like me, I am just me. I will not change myself to please you. Also thanks for being around, so that I can remind myself not to behave like you.
To everyone out there, hope you can adapt this too!

I read an Old Post from July 7, 2011 This just blew me away.
"THREEJOONS
I MENTALLY AND VERBALLY TORTURE MY MOTHER IN LAW DAILY, WHY? BECAUSE I CAN!
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I CANT STAND HER."
And my response.. You sound exactly like my daughter-in-law. (Although she doesn't do it daily.) She has informed me a long time ago, (written in black and white), that she hated me even before she met me. Among other screaming, insults,accusations, name calling, etc. She even told me (also written in black and white) to do something to myself that is physically impossible. And screaming in my face.
How am I supposed to 'mend' a relationship with someone who I never stood a chance with from before 'day 1'?

I have no clue, bjrd. My DIL wrote on facebook after an argument that she started with our son and us that she felt as though she had somehow "won" because he was angry with his parents. Maturity rang out in her post.
Sometimes, no matter what we do.... it is never going to be good enough.

PaparazziJuju: "Maturity rang out in her post." Well, is it "Maturity" or immaturity that rings out in her post?

I was being sarcastic... she was immature.

tears quite a testimony and I am glad you have a wonderful relationship with your MIL. Unfortunately, some of us do not. I am sure we all heard the statement, "to get to your son you have to go through your daughter in-law." Very true, I always thought that if we put that to practice we might be pleasantly surprised and actually like our daughter in-laws. As a MIL myself, that is exactly what I did. To me the most important thing to recognize is that family deserves our love and to change their "world" is not good.

My MIL is not as nice as yours, although I have tried I seemed to have failed. My MIL is self-centered, spoiled, narcassistic, unfiltered, untruthful and rude. Although I have tried to overlook these traits and selected my battles wisely, I realized that I cannot change her only myself.

Is it fair to say I hate her, no I do not. I dislike the person she is and have told her that in quite a gentle manner. My MIL is also not a very loyal person. She is critical and disloyal even to one of her daughters. She has a favorite daughter and compares her to the other daughter and even compares her to me the DIL. I have on occasion voiced my concern that she is so critical of the other daughter who by the way is wonderful.

You see these are the type of MIL's that don't really garner too much respect from their DIL's because they don't respect us. So that is my reality and I know that. At this point in time I'm not going anywhere and my MIL needs to respect me as my husband's wife as I have to respect her as my husband's mother. Ugh..

"PaparazziJuju my one and only question is if you have such an awesome MIL, why are you on here?" tearsfallen19 stated "Not all of us hate our mother -in-laws." Her entire post is another perspective, and I think she's spot-on.

I don't hate mine, I actually love her. I have bad days like most other women. I have days when the last person that I want to see or talk to is my MIL. I am on here because I was following something that someone wrote on the hate my DIL site. Now that one.... yeah, we'll save that for that site... nuff said!
See, we all have people that we don't like, it is just nice to get a different perspective. You know, I thought I hated my MIL for a long time, because that is what society tells you to do. I actually feel sorry for her now that I have my own DIL..... I know now that my MIL felt as though she had lost her son rather than feeling like she gained a DIL..... It is something you don't understand until you walk through it.
I wish that someone who was wise had said these things to me many years ago, it could have softened my heart to my MIL and changed our relationship earlier on. I just hope that sharing my experience helps others to see that sometimes it is just that the MIL is insecure in her place once her son is grown and gone.... or maybe she just feels alone after her son is married?!
Simply put, we gain wisdom with age and we learn that what seemed like it was important in our 20's is not nearly as important in our 40's or 50's, especially arguing with family. Life is short!

I asked her why she was on here, because she seemed to have had a WONDERFUL MIL and I was curious about her winding up on this site.

You don't have to explain anything to me, hun, I understand all of what she wrote. Good luck with your MIL.

PaparazziJuju Thank you for your post. My apologies if you thought when I quoted your question to tearsfallen19 that I was questioning you. I loved my MIL like she was as my second mom. She is deceased now. Daughter-in-law… I feel as though I lost my son rather than gaining a DIL.....Course that’s the DIL who has hated me even before she even met me. I didn’t stand a chance. The statement, "to get to your son you have to go through your daughter in-law.". She won’t let that happen either. I also checked out this because of something I read on the hate my DIL site.

Thank you, I felt somewhat attacked, but was hoping to make a point about needing perspective from others.... I'm sorry that you no longer have your MIL.
I hope things turn around for you with your DIL, I can relate and I hope that the way that they treat us is returned 10-fold to them.

My 2 cents.........You seem wise beyond your years in your speech. I will tell you that I have had a MIL that I love for longer than you have been alive, BUT there are days when I have called her a B*tch and she has done her fair share of name calling as well. NOBODY is perfect...... my one and only question is if you have such an awesome MIL, why are you on here?
Sometimes, we may post things trying to convince ourselves, when the reality is that we ALL have bad days and sometimes the last person we want to talk with or have visit us is our dear MIL.

Well you seem to have gotten lucky having such a wonderful mother in-law. Many of us here haven't been so lucky. I will gladly let you borrow mine and see if your tone changes in a year from now. I don't care for your generalized "you's" NOBODY deserves abuse by anyone! I have been treated like a doormat for years, I took the abuse and absorbed it. Never talking back or being rude. I was always polite and just took it. So how do I "deserve" such treatment again? Don't come here blasting and shaming people for how they feel. This is a vent space.

You are blessed perhaps next time around I will have one that loves me too.

That's all great and wonderful, and hopefully will continue....but...many of us have had mil problems longer than you have been alive. And some of us have problems with our mother-in-laws simply because...we are their daughter-in-law. Wouldn't matter who their son married, she'd have it out for them. Or their daughter's husband. It's the way it is. For some.

“lolly57 Wouldn't matter who their son married, she'd have it out for them. Or their daughter's husband. It's the way it is. For some.”
I am so glad you added “For some.” It is not always the way.
It’s nice to see some DIL’s get along with their MIL’s. I loved my mother-in-law with all my heart. I have 2 daughters in-law. One of them, we get along quite well. The other has informed me she’s hated me since before she even met me. What gives?

I am also blessed with a fabulous mother in law. So blessed.

Kudos to you and your MIL,but as others have said some of us weren't/aren't as lucky. After years of being respectful and trying to get my MIL to just like me a little - I gave up..... I am polite and respectfully because she is my husbands mother, but I no longer try to get her to like me, she doesn't and that is fine, I don't much care to be judged...

stop attacking people this is a place were anyone can vent and not be judged. if you get along with your mother in law thats grate but dont try to put others down because they do not.

In one of my previous relationships my boyfriend was a total jerk but he had the most AMAAZINGGG mom. She was supportive, smart, and generous. Super quiet. It took me a long time to get to know her but it was worth it. <br />
My mother in law is NOT like that now. I'm very open about my feelings, if I'm hurt I want to talk it out. If someone else has problems I have not problem listening. I have tried to talk things out with my MIL and she seriously does not see me as a person deserving of respect. This has cause accumulated frustration. Do I go to her with this raw frustration and scream in her face? No, I come here and vent. I work out my feelings with people with similar experiences and I go to her with a clear head and clear sense of my person boundaries. Our relationship is a work in progress. Will we be able to be friends or live our lives in separate spheres? Only time will tell, we haven't been married that long, all I know is that I will not have an unhealthy relationships in my life that make me feel bad about myself. I will not give up my self respect FOR ANYONE. I have to agree with the other posters that maybe you don't know what you're talking about... be a little less judgmental and realize that this is a relationship that neither my mother in law nor I was seeking out. We have to make the best of what where given and sometimes we aren't given much.

I see your age group is 20-25........whereas my age group is 45-50.<br />
I'm guessing you have had your relationship with your mother in law a LOT less than I have (been married 19 years so far).<br />
<br />
I won't say you are clueless, but I will say that your experience is one opinion & a limited one at that, given your age. <br />
<br />
Also - I won't try to minimize your 'grand' experience with your mother in law, but I would say if your relationship is so super, then why are you reading posts on a forum opposite to what you say your relationship is. And what is wrong with your self esteem since you feel the need to get on here and tell others what their problem is?<br />
<br />
I'd be bold enough to say that many (if not the majority) of us have grieved at some point that our relationship is not what we would like with our inlaws. Myself included. <br />
<br />
My advice to anyone getting married (regardless of what your relationship is with inlaws) is to start setting boundaries early, and stick to them. For years, I can assure you I did everything in my power to satisfy my husband's mother & father. (I don't even claim them as inlaws anymore), and for everything I gave in to, there was more and more for them to take. Plus - everything was exponentially magnified once our children came along.<br />
<br />
After 19 years together, the only thing we consistently fail to agree on is his parents. <br />
<br />
I am to the point that I will acknowledge them if they are in front of me, but I no longer go out of my way to do anything for them, or with them. Forget any kind of vacation or holiday, either. My life is a lot better at this point, although my husband still has a lot of emotional work to do -- on his own -- I might add. Once I stopped facilitating gifts, and get togethers, etc. -he's a bit more aware of the burden I faced. <br />
<br />
Kudos to those that are struggling to survive emotionally & keep your marriage/family intact. I walk your walk!

You are talking about something that you know nothing about. Some of us have done everything in our power to get along w our mil. I have prayed on a daily basis. Gone to therapy etc. there are just some mil that have real mental letting go issues and is doed cause them to act the way we talk about.Some are just mean *******! Don't dare judge us for venting this horrible stressful problem that you do not understand in the least bit how horrible we have been treated. This is the most ignorant post I have seen on this site to date!!!!!!! Tears fallen, I would not put this relationship on anyone's worst enemy and I hope it never happens to you.

I just plain disagree with what you are saying. I believe that respect is something that is earned, or in the case of our elders, at least maintained. If nothing else, it is a two way street, and NOBODY has any basic right to treat another person like crap, mother or not. It is exactly that belief that you should respect someone regardless of their actions that makes people think they can get away with acting so crazy. Choosing to let someone walk all over you is one option, but not one that many women are willing to take. Kudos to you for kissing her butt. I bet that if some of these mothers in law tried just a little bit to be worthy of all that affection they think they are entitled to, they WOULD get it.

My mother in law has inspired me and is an amazing woman and mother. I'm just trying to deal with her daughter not being accepting of the relationship I have with my mother in law, and it's not a mother daughter relationship we have it's just nice and im excepted as part of the family as my husband's wife. was nice to read someone whom appreciates mil. Mine is truly amazing.

While you are able to have a warm relationship with your MIL, not everyone is. It is not always the fault of those who rant their MILs are evil and full of hatred. I loved my MIL completely. She has always shown me love and acceptance. Now my own mother? She fits the bill to some of these stories that I'm reading. Just as you don't want to hear about MILs being vilified, others may not want to hear how they're at fault for it either.

I MENTALLY AND VERBALLY TORTURE MY MOTHER IN LAW DAILY, WHY? BECAUSE I CAN!<br />
HAHAHAHAHAHA.<br />
<br />
I CANT STAND HER.

Lol. I think you're joking ? ? ? that's ridiculous! hahahahahahahaha


and evil &gt;:l

"THREEJOONS
I MENTALLY AND VERBALLY TORTURE MY MOTHER IN LAW DAILY, WHY? BECAUSE I CAN!
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I CANT STAND HER."
You sound exactly like my daughter-in-law. (Although she doesn't do it daily.) She has informed me a lond time ago, (written in black and white), that she hated me even before she met me. Among other screaming, insults,accusations, name calling, etc. She even told me (also written in black and white) to do something to myself that is physically impossible.
How am I supposed to 'mend' a relationship with someone who I never stood a chance with from before 'day 1'?

You are very fortunate, and should not judge "Mother in Law Haters" who have legitimate problems with their monsters in law. I have tried my hardest to do for and get along with my mother in law for 30 years (!!), but she is , and has always been a lying, negative, unappreciative, entitled shrew. My father-in-law, who was a terrific man) couldn't even stand her, and she has no friends. She is the nastiest, least considerate person I've ever met. I HATE HER HATE HER HATE HER HATE HER. Hmmmm . . . that felt good.

ditto on the above post! good for you, but to each his own. since your relationship is so great, I find it hard to believe that you could relate or give advice to others that are actually living the hell of mil syndrome. believe me, we don't choose it, and sadly, when the relationship shifts, and then for some of us who have to provide care for her, or worse, move her in with us after the father dies, the whole relationship changes, what was once ok from a distance can quickly become intollerable. <br />
please don't judge the ones who are going thru that kind of stress in their lives, it's great you have a great relationship, i wish i had one, but i'm not going to pursue it anymore because i've lost the desire.

Whoever posted this needs some therapy, and all id like to say is I have the right to hate my MIL the problem stems from her beliving she can treat her grand-children differently (IE Golden Girls children get all the attention and mine get a phone call and a promise she will come see them - but if golden girl says her kids will be scared from grand-mum showing her "other" grandchildren attention the grandma drops her promise) <br />
SO yes I can take as much of an attitude with her as I want - when she ruined my wedding to ... I Hate her and im not afraid to show it - if she phones I ignore her and I enjoy it AFTER YEARS OF STAYING SILENT AND LETTING HER BE THE *****! (Oh and my SIL gets worse - Im a right ***** huh? But no one knows the whole story here so .. )<br />
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If only ALL of us could have a perfect MIL and if Only all of us could be bloomin perfect huh? :)

I also like to add I don't hate my MIL I just wish she'd show me some respect like I do to her, and realize I can't help feeling upset when she is harsh to me. Respect goes both ways a bit hard to respect someone when they don't respect you.

I for one would love to have the perfect relationship with my MIL, I've never given my mil a reason to resent me and I DON"T ONLY THINK OF MYSELF. Family is more important to me then anything, if you asked any member of my family they'd tell you I'm not a mean spirited in any way. For you to say us daughter in laws deserve it is absurd, from day one my MIL has made snide remarks from telling my husband ( we were high school sweethearts) that she'd prefer that he went out with a mutual friend of ours cause" I like her ", telling him to leave me cause I didn't have a job. Plus telling me after he had an affair" Well if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out" we'd been married for three years and our daughter was six months old at the time, then she also asked me "did you say you loved him enough". I have bitten my tongue for so much I'm surprised I still have one, I finally confronted her with how I'd been feeling but I only brought up recent incidents were she'd been quite harsh, only for her to deny it or pretend amnesia. She has accused me of trying to stop her from seeing her granddaughter (she sees her 3 to 4 times a week) my parents sometimes go a whole week without seeing her, she undermines me in front of my daughter always giving her what she wants even if there is a good reason why I've said no. And she also puts blame on me for stuff my husband has done which has nothing to do with me, even my councilor said I have done well in the way I approached my MIL. She even had the nerve to tell me off because I didn't answer a phone call one day and when I called her back I said I was having breakfast (most likely I was on the loo or outside hanging up the washing and I didn't here the phone) but who wants to discuss that over the phone. The reason why she was cross "What if it was an emergency, and I needed you" I wish I said call triple zero then. But I was to gobsmacked at the time. As for trying to keep my husband from seeing his mother and father utter bullshit I've never have and never will do that. My husband is frustrated with MIL but he won't do anything about it, his solution is to move away and I'VE SAID NO. <br />
So tell me again why I deserve this treatment enlighten me. Oh I'm also back on my depression meds and have had heart palpitations due to stress.

CONGRATULATIONS! We are all so happy that you have the best relationship with your MIL. I will have the gold metal delivered immediately.

And when the Mother of a Womans Paternal Grand-Children is being attacked by the Paternal Grandmother. Or a Paternal Grand-Mother was attacked by there Paternal Grand-childs Mother. Perhaps both, have said things to hurt one another, and they may say they hate each other, or think they hate each other. But sometimes people say hurtful things about someone they care about or feel hurtful things they don't mean to feel about someone they do care about. Because it helps to block out the hurt they were feeling about a relationship that had it's imperfections during that time in there life.

I didn't deserve for my mans father to verbally abuse my baby before it was born. And for my mans mentally ill mother to harm herself 4 months into my pregnancy with my 1st child, just to get attention from her Son. My mans Mother used her possessivenes and control over my 1st daughter to boost her own self image. From only giving my child praise and attention only in public or on moving camera. To only have her verbally abuse my child to me without her son around, or anyone else around but me my child and my mans mother. And she went on to destroy my image of a good person, where she turned her Son against for me for standing up to her after she had already apoloised after her outburst of verbal aggression . And also told me of how much her friends wanted to vomit over how much I loved my Daughter. You don't hate your mans mother, but when they verbally abuse you and intimidate you, blame you and control you with your own child. Just so a mentally ill mother of a son can use the term shes my grand-daughter to use another womans child to boost her own self image. You have a right to stand up to your mans mom yourself without her verbally abusing you behind your locked front door, until her screams from her angry outburst, due to her mental illness make your child cry in fear. And after she apologises you for blaming you she is still blaming you and she gets her Son to blame you for what your mans mom did to you and without deserving what your mans mentally ill mother did to you. When your in a relationship with someone sometimes there mentally ill mother puts a strain on your relationship with your partner and the relationship you have with your child/children

All i can say is HOW DARE YOU. We dont go onto your forum which by the way is I hate my daughter in law. and say oh i get along with our daughter in laws how dare u make a page of hating your daughter in law. IT IS your right and ours to vent how much we hate one another. So as polite as i can be GET THE @*&^% off our posting we dont want to read how u love ur mother in law when we have mother in laws that are trying to kill us thank you.

I didn't begin my marriage hating anyone. I wish my MIL embraced instead of rejected. I wish my MIL uncondtionally loved. Sadly, she cannot. I deserve to be mentally or physically attacked? Who deserves to be abused by an abuser?

Oh for heaven's sake cottontop, get a life. wake up and smell the roses. You seem to observe life through rose colored glasses. Perhaps you don't have a MIL . You have no idea!!!

WOW I read about the nice mother in laws. HEY we are daughter in laws wouldn't have a negative thought if the MILs didn't give us reason. I have an idea that they are maybe a bit pissed because their baby boys have been taken from them, just as I read in another post. It's sad when their sons still put their mothers over their own spouses, and families. Some men never grow up. Been there, am still there and done all of that.

I joined this group to add my own sentiments to this forum. I have been with my fiance for several years now. We are planning on getting married next year. We do not have children together. I have brought children into this relationship. My fiances mother doesn't notice anyone else around, when "her son"(because thats his name) is in the room. His sister doesnt get the tme of day, nor do I. I have tried long and hard to create a relationship, but its not possible. She only wants a relationship with "her son" and when he is around her, its evident all she seeks is that affirmation.<br />
She calls and talks to him only and they gossip like two chatty Cathy dolls. He is her confidant and best friend.<br />
I was very much looking forward to having a relationship with my future MIL and with my future SIL. The future SIL has jealousy issues and resentment towards my fiance and now I understand why. I would have the same feelings if my mother showed such blatant favortism towards my brother. As a mother, I dont understand how she could choose so show so much love towards one of her children and not the others. Its wrong and it causes a ripple effect.<br />
So, as I see it, there will be no relationshp with the MIL or the SIL and I am now considering not marrying this man. Maybe he should marry his mother!<br />
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Oh and as for my children, they don't get the time of day either. They get "tell them I said hi", and thats it.<br />
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I am really disappointed

I joined this group to add my own sentiments to this forum. I have been with my fiance for several years now. We are planning on getting married next year. We do not have children together. I have brought children into this relationship. My fiances mother doesn't notice anyone else around, when "her son"(because thats his name) is in the room. His sister doesnt get the tme of day, nor do I. I have tried long and hard to create a relationship, but its not possible. She only wants a relationship with "her son" and when he is around her, its evident all she seeks is that affirmation.<br />
She calls and talks to him only and they gossip like two chatty Cathy dolls. He is her confidant and best friend.<br />
I was very much looking forward to having a relationship with my future MIL and with my future SIL. The future SIL has jealousy issues and resentment towards my fiance and now I understand why. I would have the same feelings if my mother showed such blatant favortism towards my brother. As a mother, I dont understand how she could choose so show so much love towards one of her children and not the others. Its wrong and it causes a ripple effect.<br />
So, as I see it, there will be no relationshp with the MIL or the SIL and I am now considering not marrying this man. Maybe he should marry his mother!<br />
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Oh and as for my children, they don't get the time of day either. They get "tell them I said hi", and thats it.<br />
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I am really disappointed

First of all can I just say-OMG there is WAY too much b*tching going on here and some people are being VERY immature. It is not rocket science. There are bad MILs and there are very good MILs and there are bad DILs and there are good DILs. Some get very unlucky, in which a bad MIL gets paired up w/ a bad DIL and that is just scary. Then some get lucky in that a good MIL gets a good DIL. SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY A BAD MIL WILL GET PAIRED UP W/ A GOOD DIL AND A GOOD MIL WILL GET PAIRED UP W/ A BAD DIL.That is not a clever observation my friends, that is just simple math....simple probability. Don't you think the majority of what is going on here is a conflict of interest caused by this? HELLO?!? This is why you shouldn't stereotype people. Some MILs are really great and have really good relationships w/ thier DILs and some MILs are really great and have bad relationships w/ their DILs b/c their DILs are jerks. But this also works the other way around. Why is it so hard for MILs to believe that their DILs want to get along w/ them? I mean seriously, does it make sense to you that someone would never want her husband to see his mother? That is just stupid. If that were the case, then why is that so many women (and men) on here say "I wish I could have a good relationship w/ my MIL"? Do they just say this to hear their head rattle? No! They say this b/c this is what they want....this is what we all want. <br />
If we DILs had a remote control that controlled our MILs' behavior, do you think we would set it to controlling, manipulative, and hateful or loving, open, and interested in being close w/ you? I think it is obvious what every good DIL would pick. <br />
And no, contrary to what seems to be the popular belief among MILs, good DILs do not want their husbands to hate their mothers. One thing that my mother always taught me was to look for a man who loved and respected his mother. She told me that if a man loves his mother and treats her good, he will do the same for you. The love that my husband has for his mother is one thing that attracted me to him; he is always very kind, loving and respectful to her. I love that he loves her, otherwise, there would be cause for concern. The only problem in our relationship is that she doesn't love and can't stand me. She and I had a great relationship in the beginning and we could talk about all kinds of things. When she found out that we had to move thousands of miles away from them she started disliking me and treating me badly. It was as if she thought I was "stealing" him away from her. It wasn't my idea to move, it was my husband's and she still blames me for it. So, not to be prideful, but yes, I am a good DIL. Is my MIL bad? I don't know. I'm not going to say that she is bad b/c she has done some good things as well. I will say, however that I think she is being selfish for being angry that we moved away from them. I'm sorry but we couldn't live 2 hours from them for the rest of our lives. I had to leave my family too b/c they lived close as well, but geez, sometimes you just have to grow up. Moving is part of growing up and I'm sorry but MILs need to cut the umbilocal cord.

Right, I get it...your Mother disrespect your spouse. Guess why? She has you. Your husband's mother can't have her son ever again because no matter what they do, they must be banned for life. So, you Mom is not fond of your spouse? How do you know that? Guess what would happen to His Mother if she let her son know she was not fond of his spouse....she'd be cut off because he would tell his wife and she would see to it.

Really? You're not interested? It's passing judgement, huh, if there is another side posted? Kind of gets you doesn't it? Your Mother can see you anytime, can't she? There are many rules for his Mother, though. That makes a Mother (and she is a Mother, by the way) feel devastated as you can well imagine. Your Mother won't ever feel that way. She's welcome anytime.<br />
"Leave and Cleave"...that is used by women who have no religion whatsoever along with those who do. Of course he leaves and cleaves to you. In no way, though does it say that His Mother is to be cut off. In fact, you are to "honor your Mother and Father so that your life will be long".<br />
I've walked in your shoes; I've been a DIL. Under no circumstances would I have allowed my husband to throw his Mother out no matter what she did. I love him, that's why. I don't know how old your son is but believe me, this will happen to you when he marries. God help you. I don't care what you tell him, she will rule the roost and he will do whatever you want him to do. She will see you as a threat and do whatever it takes to turn anything you say around to suit her in her pursuit of driving you out of their lives. Guaranteed. Find some place to bury your heart because it will be a death. You love your sons just as much as you love your daughters. So, keep it up.....it's going to come back and bite you down the road.

Really? You're not interested? It's passing judgement, huh, if there is another side posted? Kind of gets you doesn't it? Your Mother can see you anytime, can't she? There are many rules for his Mother, though. That makes a Mother (and she is a Mother, by the way) feel devastated as you can well imagine. Your Mother won't ever feel that way. She's welcome anytime.<br />
"Leave and Cleave"...that is used by women who have no religion whatsoever along with those who do. Of course he leaves and cleaves to you. In no way, though does it say that His Mother is to be cut off. In fact, you are to "honor your Mother and Father so that your life will be long".<br />
I've walked in your shoes; I've been a DIL. Under no circumstances would I have allowed my husband to throw his Mother out no matter what she did. I love him, that's why. I don't know how old your son is but believe me, this will happen to you when he marries. God help you. I don't care what you tell him, she will rule the roost and he will do whatever you want him to do. She will see you as a threat and do whatever it takes to turn anything you say around to suit her in her pursuit of driving you out of their lives. Guaranteed. Find some place to bury your heart because it will be a death. You love your sons just as much as you love your daughters. So, keep it up.....it's going to come back and bite you down the road.

I've thought about this long and hard.......YOU come first, don't you? Everytime, all the time. Vindictive, manipulating, controlling YOU. But when it comes to YOUR Mother? Oh, she would never do anything remotely bad; she's perfect, right? You'd never "cut her off". If you don't have a son now, believe me, life will see to it that you get one and he will marry and she will hate you and write messages on online boards telling the world that you are Hell on earth. It will hurt you to the core and yet, you will not know what you've done wrong. Good Luck.

I've thought about this long and hard.......YOU come first, don't you? Everytime, all the time. Vindictive, manipulating, controlling YOU. But when it comes to YOUR Mother? Oh, she would never do anything remotely bad; she's perfect, right? You'd never "cut her off". If you don't have a son now, believe me, life will see to it that you get one and he will marry and she will hate you and write messages on online boards telling the world that you are Hell on earth. It will hurt you to the core and yet, you will not know what you've done wrong. Good Luck.

I've thought about this long and hard.......YOU come first, don't you? Everytime, all the time. Vindictive, manipulating, controlling YOU. But when it comes to YOUR Mother? Oh, she would never do anything remotely bad; she's perfect, right? You'd never "cut her off". If you don't have a son now, believe me, life will see to it that you get one and he will marry and she will hate you and write messages on online boards telling the world that you are Hell on earth. It will hurt you to the core and yet, you will not know what you've done wrong. Good Luck.

All I can say is, until you can walk in other women's shoes that have horrible, manipulating MILs, then you have no right to pass judgements on us.<br />
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Those who have wonderful relationships with their MILs are indeed very lucky. And then there are some of us DILs were dealt with a very bad hand (our mils) when we married our spouses and believe it or not, most of us tried VERY HARD to have a great relationship with our MILS, even ignoring catty and snide remarks in the past. But, when it becomes clear to you that the MIL will never accept you for who you are and will never play nice and will never back down on trying to destroy your marriage...............all the playing nice acting that you're trying to do......GOES OUT THE WINDOW! (And its because you know YOUR MARRIAGE comes first! Marriage is hard enough in the first place without having an outsider trying to break it up in the first place!!)<br />
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So, before you judge us DILS....think long and hard and remember you would have to be in our shoes to know what we go through with our vindictive MILs.

That is all you do is vent. You take up about 3/4 of the airways with your venting. There is another side of the story too....and it's not being told. A Mother's heart is involved in this too. Your MIL has "had it in for you?" Please! What did she do? Get upset when you "told her off?" Or, do you just sit there and sulk when you see her? VENT VENT VENT. All you young women are the same...all over the internet. "I HATE MY MIL". Hateful, spiteful, domineering, controlling, rude, everything you say your MIL is....you are 6 times that and more.

I have NEVER EVER treated my mil with dis respect but the woman has had it in for me since the beginning i'm glad you have such a great relationship with your mil but we are not all so LUCKY! so please allow us to vent and get support from each other withoiut you generalising us and by the way NO ONE has the right to be bullied and hurt and abused SHAME ON YOU for your ignorance. REMINDER no one forces you to read our comments or stories so if you don't like the subject stay away.

I applaud you for going against the grain and saying something nice about your husband's mother. You are rare; we usually are "told off" by the DIL, watched like a hawk for anything she wants to twist into something against her. Off she goes to the son we raised and whispers in his ear that we are bad, bad!! We must be banned for life! We raised him, she loves him, we must have done something right, right? Oh no! She won't quit till she has your son looking at us through a new lens. Then, to top it off, the little mutation is so jealous of the relationship with her MIL and Husband that she will eventually demand that she will not go to see his Mother, "His Mother, HIs Problem". She won't go. So, you see less and less of your son. One little suggestion to you, though, WATCH OUT! You might have a son someday so just say "goodbye" at the wedding and grieve the loss for several years. He will be gone. His wife will see to it. Nothing you say or do will make her like you. She'll point out to him every single flaw you have that he didn't notice till she came into the picture.<br />
God Help you!

I could almost bet here and say... that the majority of us with MIL issues.. would much rather have a good relationship with them then bad! no one "wants" or chooses to live with this sort of drama.. Good for you that you have a good one, but you posted such in the wrong forum.

I could almost bet here and say... that the majority of us with MIL issues.. would much rather have a good relationship with them then bad! no one "wants" or chooses to live with this sort of drama.. Good for you that you have a good one, but you posted such in the wrong forum.

Harah for you, Life is just peachy for you. I am NOT saying all mother in laws are bad by no means, but my MIL still tries to breast feed my husband. and she goes great lenths to come between my husband and I, with all her pot shots when my husband is not around. and to all you awsome mother in laws who let their children grow up and start their own family without interfering, will you please adopt my husband or at least give this girl some pointers?!

i couldn't have said it better than bono. the fact is, tearsfallen and mother, that you are placing judgement without truly KNOWING anything about these people. i've seen both sides of the fence. my mother and her mil got along spledidly and loved one another immensely - sure they had their disagreements but nothing like i would experience with my mil. my mil went so far as to physically abuse me while i was in the midst of 43 surgeries to put my body back together again. all i wanted from her was to at least think she liked me. when i realized she didn't and never would, i went on about my life and continued to do as much for her (good deeds, cards, etc.) as i could - it's in my nature to please people regardless what they think of me. i'll never know why she didn't like me and i don't care anymore. do i profess to hate her? no ... i've healed and i'm indifferent now. these ladies who say they 'hate' their mil's are still in the hurt and have yet a moment to heal. i'm sure in the future when they've healed from it all they will find they no longer hate and that they actually didn't hate the person to begin with but rather the actions thereof. please ... in the future, don't pass judgement until you've walked in someone's shoes. it adds insult to injury.

You are truly blessed to have that relationship with your MIL. However, since you have never been on the receiving end of horrible, demeaning behavior from your MIL, you don't really need to classify the people who have these VERY REAL problems as "tired of mother-in-law syndrome". Everyone has very different experiences with their lives. This blog is for those that do have these problems to vent, not to offend you.

Bully for you. Why do you think your experience should generalize to those around you? What of your relationship with your own biological mother? Do tell. The millitance with which you seek to invalidate the stories of others signals that someone protesteth too much. Do you understand that this group statistically posts stories about MIL's that portray negative figures because the name of the group is I Hate My Mother In Law? It's like going to an AA meeting and telling everyone that alchohol is not really their problem. They should give alcohol a chance and stop blaming alcohol for all that is wrong in their relationship with alcohol.

Must be nice to be perfect.

Your sentiments are appreciated, however, your experience does not coincide with the people of this group. My mother-in-law is who she is and demonstrates her motiviations frequently in her actions. It is fair to say that not everyone gets along with someone, there is that one person who causes strife, etc., in a person's life. Although this group is a group of individuals who are together sharing their similiar experiences does not mean that all mother-in-laws are atrocious nor does that stereotype MILs in general. It just speaks to the fact that we as individuals have similiar experiences. I strongly encourage you since are so passionate about the virtues of your mother-in-law to create a separate group hailing all your mother-in-law attributes. Thereby, you can also meet people with similiar experiences. However, in this group, we pretty much are what we are. People who have manipulative mother-in-laws that act, behave, and speak negatively towards us.

I think you're truly lucky to have such a great relationship with your mil but i resent what you say about the rest of us deserving the way we are treated by our mils. i for one, have not said an unkind word to my mil. i have told her how i feel about certain things she does but only from a place of concern for my family. i have gone out of my way to do nice things for her...she has a gluten intolerance so i made food from scratch for her on a daily basis to meet her dietary needs...i ran erands for her...i helped her plan her mothers funeral, i even went as far as taking her shopping and buying the outfit her mother was buried in...and for some reason she still hates me. and she reminds me that she hates me by ignoring me on holidays and refusing to call my home if she knows i'm here. she gives my husband grief for not bringing my daughter to see her more but she doesnt call to set up times. i certainly dont deserve the way she treats me and she is distancing herself from us because of her stubborness. she knows she is always welcome in our home but i cant force her. i wish i could have the relationship that you do. please dont judge the rest of us if you havent walked in our shoes ( if you havent been put down or mistreated then you havent).

I envy anyone who gets along with their mil .But when you have one that attacks you and mentally abuses you and your children and her own son ,you have to draw the line somewhere .As far as deserving to be mistreated no I never did that .I put up with her for years but I put her in her place when she accused me of things I never did .I have good kids and I wiil not tolerate my mil calling my child a ***** when she was a year old who by the way wasn't pitching a tantrum .My daughter was mentally abused because we refused to name her Shirley Estelle .Some of us do have twisted mils so please consider our own position and thank god you have a good one .

Thank you so very much for a beautiful story about your mother in law. I too am disgusted with all the demeaning jokes etc. about mother in laws. I am a mother of 3 sons and 3 daughter in laws. I love my adult children and their families,and love being a grand mother. i have had my share of hurt. I loved my mother in law too. she passed away in 1985 and was a loving grandmother to my children. no mother in law bashing here thank you again