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Deal with It...

Have you ever noticed that people who blantantly disregard boundaries and disrespect you never seem to acknowledge their role and/or behavior?  It is almost like a person never knows they stink or have bad breath, one of nature's jokes I suppose.  The same holds true for behavior.  I suspect if my MIL was asked to provide her side of the story, it would be quite different from mine.  She would betray herself as a victim and displace all of her actions onto me.  I've seen this first hand.

Anyone who has seen a mental health professional knows this as "displacement" and is usually born out of insecurity and fear.   My MIL and her behavior is as a result of her perception and belief system.  Her behavior has been consistent with her son and myself, always blaming and never being accountable for anything she does, thereby, blaming us for the strife.  My MIL's thoughts and/or believes are rigid and not open for a reasonable compromise.  So whatever issues she has with me or my lifestyle now reside solely with her.  I will not make her issues my own.   If my MIL treats me badly and does so repeatedly, I have every right to tell her where to get off and not to come again.  Regardless of age or how many children sired, NO ONE has the right to mistreat me. PERIOD! 

I always question when someone reads a post about another person's experience and tries to label it has generalization, stereotyping, and/or taking it as a personal affront.   My posts and I suspect most of the other ladies on here, reflect our own personal experiences and in truth our side of the story.   If you are not this type of MIL, then great, your offspring will applaud your efforts.  However, do not dismiss our experiences with our own MILs and automatically take the stance of "the offended", these posts are simple sharing of our experiences, we are not labeling all MILs as evil or wicked.

However, if you are MIL and some of these statements ring true to you, then takes these posts as a blessing.  You now have gained insight on how your daughter-in-law feels.  Please remember, it is impolite and truthly uncivilized to provide unsolicited advise or criticism and just because they married your son does not mean that you can play the role of mother.  Since they are not from your loin nor where they raised by you, whatever negativities you verbalize and/or demonstrate will be held against you.  Plus your son will constantly hear about the your negative tirades which will cause greater discord in your relationship with you son as well as their marriage.  Ultimately, after all the guilt cards are played and the manipulative strings are pulled, your son will see you in all your finery and know down deep what his mother is capable of. 

bonobabe bonobabe 31-35, F 19 Responses May 6, 2007

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Thank you! That was so well written and in my case right on point. I'm is tired if my MIL comments that I just have decided not to invest any more energy in having any close connections. It seems to me that she is constantly looking for some kind of issue and the more I ignore her the sharper the comments. Reading you words has place things into perspective and instead of dwelling on her I'm going to just make it more obvious that it's not nice to not be nice. By just saying that was not a nice thing to say. ;) thank you for inspiring me to stand up to her stupid behavior.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you are saying. I have been married to my husband for 5 years, and despite his refusal to believe it at first, his mother's and extended family's behavior has become so bad he is considering cutting ties with them. My MIL made it clear from the start she considers me to be a lower life form, and I have permanently ended my relationship with her and her family. I haven't been this relieved since I was married. My husband is disappointed in his family, but despite this our resolve to make our relationship work is still strong. MIL's beware, things have changed and you will not always get away with your behavior!

Congratulations, and I see that you have empowered your family (including self) and that makes your world a very healthy place to be in!!!! God speed:)

Ok, WOW! Thanks for writing this... cause for the past 14 years I have been with my husband I have been wondering if I was the only one that was sick of my MIL! I found this site because well... I've had enough of her deceitful, manipulating behavior. I woke up out of my sleep wondering when screaming and get out of my life...when was she going to out of my life****** she is driving me crazy... so my story is this.

I took a job outside of the country for 6 months and my husband said that he would be getting help from his family. Not necessarily is mother but well... it ended up that she manipulated him into being there with my kids to quote help! No actually she spent her time going through all my things... and throwing away my stuff.

I asked my husband what happened to my stuff and he said that he didn't do that his mother did. Need I say that the stuff I'm looking for is in our bedroom. I almost lost my mind... when I found out she was in my closet and in my stuff without asking me if it was o.k. Now I just can't even see her because I need to compose my self in front of my kids.

My MLF/... is pretending as if she doesn't know what her son is talking about... she can't remember moving anything. It has her written all over it! This is just one of many episodes i have had with her over the years and now I'm so done with speaking to her.

yes! thank you for this! my mother in law is just like this. she hated me from day one. Her daughters were just as rude as she was, the first time i met them, at dinner, at her house. fml. No one said a word to me, i felt like such a loser but they were all obviously self absorbed and, as i found out later, mentally ill.
After getting married and having a baby together, she insisted on watching our daughter for us for free of course but it had to be at her house, blah blah blah...
I told my husband from the start that this was a bad idea, his mom is obviously crazy and not capable of taking care of our child (she barely took care of him) he fought me and took her side on everything.
they sat around together talking **** on me and saying how i was overprotective and all this.
Well i ended up being right and our daughter got hurt at her house and you know she had the nerve to tell me that it wasnt her fault and that everything was her sons fault and mine and she could have cared less how our daughter was.

There are 2 sides to every story but my side is the truth, I can admit to my wrong doing but my mother in law has hated me since before she ever met me because i am 10 years younger than her son. simple as that. She convinced him to break up with me and then he realized he wanted to be with me no matter how she felt, which made her hate me more because, in her eyes I made her son go against her wishes, I admit, I couldn't care less about her feelings on the subject of my and her sons marriage, when i showed her my engagement ring she just grabbed my hand, tilted the dimond from side to side to see if it was real (which it was ;) ), let go of my hand and turned and walked away from me, NO congrats or How did he ask you? or anything, she just turned and walked away, I thought that maybe when she say that he loved me enough to marry me she could be happy for us, but she was too consumed in her hate for me being so much younger than him, I admit, when she started making her dislike for me obvious, i pulled back, didn't want to go to her house, didn't try to make her like me, i really just ignored the fact that she was in the same room with me. One thing happened which i will get into more detail about in another post which made my husband never talk to her again, and it was all because even 2 1/2 years into our relationship she still wanted us apart, and made no attempt to try to get to know me or anything about me, she instead tried saying i was cheating on him and that the child i was carrying was somebody elses, I lost the baby because of reproductive problems i have, but she still swears to this day that if I was to had my baby and got it dna tested then it would have proved to be another mans bc "her son is infertile," (which #1 I have never nor will I ever cheat on my husband (he is the best thing that has ever happened to me) and #2 me and my husband had planned this baby and had tried to conceive for almost a year before we got pregnant, so it is obvious how he got me pregnant) ANYWAY I set here with my husband every night when he comes home from work, kiss him everyday, hear him tell me he loves me and she doesn't get any of that.. and that is because SHE couldn't just get over the fact that im not the type of girl she wants him to be with, and accept that I am the type he wants.

Sorry for your loss dear. Mothers never seem to appreciate/approve any female that comes into their son's life and marry them. That is an ancient fact, unfortunately sons get married and it's too bad for the MIL's.

I think perhaps if I can suggest something to you, be the bigger person and give it a try, extend an olive branch and make the first move again. At least you can say you tried. If that does not work, then in your heart you and your husband will no that it is what it is then. You might be pleasantly surprised. If it does not work, then she has no one to blame than herself. Move on and let it go then if your husband is behind you.

Good luck..God Bless.. Ugh..

bonobabe Opening Post Written on May 6th, 2007
“…NO ONE has the right to mistreat me. PERIOD!...”
“…My posts and I suspect most of the other ladies on here, reflect our own personal experiences and in truth our side of the story….”

“…and in truth our side of the story….”
Your truth??!!?
I am a ‘younger’ daughter-in-law and also a ‘younger’ mother-in-law. I agree as you say,
“…NO ONE has the right to mistreat me. PERIOD!...”
Your truth??!!?
There are 4 sides to every ‘story’. You figure out the math.
Yes, my son is as much to ‘blame’ as anyone. I can just be in the same area code as my DIL and she will scream at me in my face, swear at me, call me names, throw accusations at me, tell me to do something to myself that is physically impossible, etc. etc. and my son will just sit there and look at the floor.
My DIL stated, in black and white print and on the phone that she hated me even before she ever met me. Does that seriously sound to you, from the very beginning, that I stood any chance with her at all?
You said: “You now have gained insight on how your daughter-in-law feels.”
I HOPE YOU have gained insight on how your mother-in-law maybe feels.
As I said: “There are 4 sides to every ‘story’. “ You, your husband, your MIL, and THE TRUTH

this isnt what op is talking about. if your dil is truly a monster, we support your decision not to like her. what op is talking about is mil who have mental issues and take them out on dil. if you dont do this dont worry about it. this isnt about you.

Dear bonobabe, I like what you wrote here so much:<br />
<br />
"Since they are not from your loin nor where they raised by you, whatever negativities you verbalize and/or demonstrate will be held against you. "<br />
<br />
That is what I always feel. Only my parents should be reprimanding me. And only when it is reasonable and with basis. But most MIL reprimand to look like the head-woman of the household. Territorial...

I just noticed the title of the book is not shown...find "Emotional ****** Syndrome" by Patricia Love...you will get the right book. I promise you that it will open your eyes and help you greatly.

I am so sorry there are so many of you dealing with this. I know how difficult it is. I have extended the olive branch way too many times. None of the times that it was extended was actually because I did anything wrong, but because in order to make peace, for the sake of my husband, I thought it would be best. Time and time again she took it and ran with it and just made my life hell. I have to say that after years of my husband being what I thought was "somewhat" a mamma's boy, he has turned around. I recently read "Emotional ******" and I have to say that it was truly amazing how I could see so much of my crazy MIL and my husband there. The more my husband and I talk about his childhood, the more I see how abusive, manipulative, etc. she was...thus the reason he was "a mamma's boy." I recommend that book to everyone who has a crazy MIL and to anyone whose husband is a mamma's boy. It will really open up your eyes and your husband's eyes. <br />
<br />
PS - the latest is she claims she is dying of cancer...she informed my husband the day before his birthday, although she had known for at least 2-3 weeks before...it's been more than 1 1/2 months and she has not shared anything about her treatment, what the plan is, etc...with my husband...but has gone crying to other family members about how "her son doesn't even care enough to go visit her..." Honestly, my husband has seen her manipulate so many situations, he doesn't even know if he should believe that she has cancer...now that says a lot. Good luck to everyone.

My mother in law had cancer a few times, She was a strong person and beat it. At the height of our battle/war, she claimed she had cancer and it was in her lymph nodes and she was dying. We didn't believe her either...she was the same as yours manipulative, a liar. etc. She is dead now. She apparently did have cancer but never told her son what her treatment was or where it was, she just called a week before she died, in the hospital with bronchitis. we went and visited, and a week later we got a call from his sister to go the hospital again as she was going to die. By the time we got there it was too late. As much as I hated her...I will never forgive myself for not taking her seriously and him not getting to say goodbye.

2tired2try, don't blame yourself and don't let your husband blame himself. I know that's not as easy as it sounds, but your MIL, sad as it is to say about anyone, brought the disbelief on herself. The old story about the boy who cried 'Wolf!' has been around for centuries for a reason: when liars finally do tell the truth, no one believes them. My brother is the same as your MIL was: he's spent decades lying about everything under the sun, usually to con money out of someone. Now he says he's being tested for cancer and no one believes it. It's sad, but he has only himself to blame: if he hadn't spent all those years lying, people wouldn't believe that this was just one more lie.

My MIL doesn't like me either. Unfortunetly we live in the same driveway. I say she needs a broom to go up and down the driveway. She has never had respect for me or our marriage. It does not help matters that my husband is a huge mommy's boy. He defends everything she says and does. Which makes me furious! I'm not sure if he sees her actions as bad and just doesn't want to admit it to me. I have always wanted to have a close relationship with her. I have tried, but she always messes it up saying something hurtful or doing something hurtful to me. So I just tolerate her now. After being burned so many times by her, I'm not putting myself out there anymore.

I have watched this happen with my aunt and my grandmother. My aunt barely speaks to her now and they both live 1 mile apart. My aunt does not speak to most of my family now also. I don't blame her. My grandmother is difficult. I have a relationship with my grandmother but I do not allow her negativity to enter our domain when we are together. I tell her if she speaks negatively that I will leave and so she does not speak this way around me anymore. <br />
The same happened with my MIL. She was difficult in the beginning and my husband spoke to her about being respectful of me in his presence and she changed her behavior. I always speak up for myself whenever she says something negative or off to me. but I refuse to invest more energy in the situation because she's not worth it. Setting boundaries helps a lot. It's a lot harder when you live near your MILs though. We fortunately live too far for her to drive to see us so that gives us the upper hand on when we see her.

Your last paragraph says it all. Thanks for that. The only thing I could add in my case is that my MIL doesn't quite come right out and criticize, instead she makes weirdly ignorant comments, and asks strange questions about why do I do this, how did I pick that...it's supposedly "nice" but it's actually rather ignorant. Of course I tell her that I don't like that and she says "I'm interested". Yeah, whatever. Others in my life will go on about how wonderful I am, complimenting me on things that I don't even necessarily see in myself, and she questions every freakin' thing I do - including makeup and beauty habits! While the rest of the world goes on about my beautiful skin, she critically asks me why I don't put on moisturizer before putting on makeup. All those "why" questions are not so bad each taken on its own, but after about a thousand or so of them, and then the ARGUING with whatever I say (I'm usually too dumbfounded to know what the hell to say since I'm sitting there wondering why she is asking me something so strange), it has gotten beyond annoying. No one else makes me feel that bad about myself...certainly not my own mother, who believe me I've had my differences with! lol<br />
<br />
I tried to have a nice discussion with my MIL instead of just letting more bad feelings build up, but it didn't really accomplish much. First of all, she acted like why on earth did we even need to talk - um, lady, I didn't ask for weekly counseling sessions but I just figured that we could have an open, honest discussion like 2 human beings. Then she said that she hopes that we will be close? Um, excuse me? "Close", but we can't even have a real heart-to-heart conversation?!? Anyway, I guess she's just not that deep, she is probably just too damn dumb.

I'm in a similar position as you. My MIL is indirectly rude to me. She won't outright say anything to me to incriminate herself or put attention on her nasty comments so she makes indirect taunts, get sarcastic, completely questions everything I do, boasts all the time about how great she is at things, and uses my daughter as a tool to channel her bitchiness towards me. I think this is the worst form of hate when it comes to ILs because you almost can't say anything to them because they're not direct enough for you to actually be completely mad at what they say. Coz they can be talking about you but at the same time they might not be, and if you were to bring it up, you are made to look like the bad guy. it's a really messed up power play! She just plays pure mind games! So vindictive really. I just ignore her, and wait for my turn to say something. But then when I think about it, i can just imagine myself laughing at how much of an idiot she will make herself look like when she does. And that my silence will only prove to further upset her. So I think maybe I might just keep to myself and raise my daughter the way she never will!

Thanks for this reply which I just re-read, this is my favorite part: I think this is the worst form of hate when it comes to ILs because you almost can't say anything to them because they're not direct enough for you to actually be completely mad at what they say. Coz they can be talking about you but at the same time they might not be, and if you were to bring it up, you are made to look like the bad guy. it's a really messed up power play! She just plays pure mind games!

Yep, that about sums it up well.

My MIL does the same thing. It's nice of you to say ignorant. I think of them as the ENDLESS stupid questions. That ****** me off just reading that it reminds me of my mil so much. lol. SOOOO DUMB or something. Something is missing she doesn't seem to understand normal human relationships. For example, she seemed surprised when I told her she couldn't just come into my house (we're trying to sell) with a key we gave her if no one answered. "Oh it's not okay for me to bring my stranger friend inside your house while you're showering?!" Who thinks that is okay?!!!!! RRRRRRRRRRR..... lady drives me crazy.

You have used wisdom and insight that is very impressive and demonstrated a great deal of reflection.<br />
My heart is broken as my grandchildren are used as power and control ponds. My DIL is on a knit picking fault finding safari constantly and I can do nothing right. As long as I write checks and jump through exhausting hoops; I get to see them. If not, I am shut out. It's extremely painful. I was read the riot act for not putting ice cubes in a 4 year olds water; therefore risking his life. It's exhausting. I feel completely beaten up. This goes on and on.

Regrettably, some dils are quite as bad as some mils: it's too bad that the universe doesn't hook them up in pairs. AIsi, your choices are to keep writing the cheques and jumping through the hoops or set boundaries and risk being kept from your grandchildren. Personally I'd suggest slowing down on the cheques unless it's for something one of the children really needs -- and I'm not talking the latest toy, I mean something they really need. Your dil is probably as aware as most people which side of her bread is buttered, and if the consequence of her hissy fits is less money, she just might get a grip. Sad to say, I've known that to work when nothing else did -- and 'Grandma' is not the semantic equivalent of 'doormat'.

If my MIL treats me badly and does so repeatedly, I have every right to tell her where to get off and not to come again. Regardless of age or how many children sired, NO ONE has the right to mistreat me. PERIOD! <br />
<br />
love it , have said basically the same thing to my husband, I will not be disrespected in my home by anyone not even his mother period. <br />
good post, sorry you are in same boat

Thank you all for sharing. Life changes are hard enough without losing more of yourself (home, friends, children, career, pets, belongings, community) in the process. And then, in trying to forge a new life and deal even with stepchildren and difficult exes, the last thing you need is a horrible MIL who suddenly turns on you. My ogress destroyed my husband's soul over and over and then ruined his first marriage. I was so perfect until she realized how much her son and grandkids love me. Now she is jealous and obnoxious and a disgusting and mean control-freak. I don't treat her like a queen, and I refuse to even see her or talk to her again. She tries to shred me and I won't allow it. My husband allowed it but he is trying to change. The whole family is afraid of her and waiting for an inheritance. I have no respect for any of them. They are soooo messed up. But I am hoping my hubby will grow up. It's a lot to deal with his awful ex, challenging kids, and the dark cloud of the revolting ogress hovering about...

I know this is an OLD post, yet BRAVO! So well put! I also copied and pasted this story, hope you don't mind.

Hello,<br />
<br />
Is me lucy oluderba please listen<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN BEAUTY OF A HUMAN<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN LIKE GOLDS<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN FRESH FLOWER<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN FEELING<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN HAPPINESS<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN PLEASED<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN SHARING<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN THINKING<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN SUGGESTION<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN CONNECTION<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN WASTING TIME<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN KILLER OF LIFE<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TEASING<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN JOKING<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN GOOD RELATIONSHIP<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN GOOD PARTNER<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN CALLING IN A SAVIOR CONDITION<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN LEAVING IN A SAVIOR CONDITION<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN LIVING IN A GOOD CONDITION<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TIME PASS<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN INVESTIGATE<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEANS A PART OF LIFE<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEANS A NICE THING<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEANS A RIVER<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN WINDS<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN VERY SENSITIVE RELATION<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TREES OF FOOD<br />
<br />
FRIENDSHIP MEAN TASTE THAN SUGAR<br />
<br />
So lets be friends forever!!<br />
lucyloveoluderba@yahoo.co.in<br />
<br />
Yours forever<br />
Miss lucy.

bono - thank you so much for putting into words, with eloquence might i add, what i was preparing to. i'm beyond happy for these women who profess to have 'great' relationships with their dil's and mil's ... HOWEVER!!! i question their sincerity and truthfulless. they seem to be in defensive mode, almost as if each of our experiences was a personal attack on them. thus i wonder if they are, in all reality, the women described (the toxic, the *victims*, the abusers, the manipulater, etc.)

I feel your pain. And after all of these years, she still is probably holding on to the hope that I'll eventually go away.