Letter To Family And Friends

I have tried to be the better person, stay home, keep my mouth shut, and hope for the best. I will not sit back and keep my mouth shut any longer. I've had enough of being attacked from all angles. So, here it is. This is OUR side.

I knew that his mother was on his bank accounts. But, I didn't know the extent of her involvement in his finances. I told him that when we got serious that I would like her to be taken off. He agreed. The day before he was deployed I found out, while we were sitting in the bank, that I couldn't be put on his accounts because she was still on them. Therefore, I couldn't take care of our finances while he was gone. We asked her to remove herself and she refused. She said that he owed her money from the past and it was none of my business. She continued to take money out of his account. One night, I sat for hours looking through his accounts and realized that she had taken over 10 thousand dollars in a year's time. Her reason? He owed it to her. That's it. No proof whatsoever. No payment plan. No discussions. She just took what she wanted when she wanted. Lord only knows how much she was taking, years ago, when she was supposedly being a good mom and helping him with his house and truck. Then, she demanded 5 thousand more for a credit card. With him being deployed, it took us 5 months and alot of paper work through the mail to finally have her removed. After 3 months of asking, she finally sent the credit card bill to the house. I paid it off, promptly.

Then, there's the problem with her P.O. box. He still has mail that goes to her box. We asked her to do a change of address. She refused. So, he told me to do it for him. I, then, get a voicemail from her stating that she is the only one that could make changes to her box, because of what I did they were going to close it and that I could be thrown in jail. We asked her to do the change of address again. She still refused but agreed to send his mail to the house. So, now I get his mail with nasty notes attached to them telling me that I am his wife and to take care of it. If she would just do the change of address like we asked then she wouldn't have to worry about it. Right?

Then, there's the postcard. Before he even left for this deployment she was planning his leave. What SHE wanted to do on his leave. She said we should meet him in England. Me, trying to get along with her, entertained her thoughts. I told her Ireland is the one place I wanted to go before I die. Later, when he and I were alone I asked him what he wanted to do on his leave. He said he wanted to come home. So, I told him that that's what we'll do. The week before he came home on leave I get an "in your face" postcard from her in Ireland telling me all about the nice time she's having. Not only that, but it seems she was taking a long European vacation on the 10 thousand taken from his account. But, that's just speculation.

His leave was a huge deal. He had every intention of seeing her while he was home on leave. We had already discussed it and decided that, since I had already "banned" her from my life, I wasn't going to go with him. The reason he did not see or call her on his leave was because she sent me a nasty note in the mail, and the postcard from Ireland, the week before he got here. He was pissed and did not want to deal with her. He wanted to come home and spend his leave the way he wanted to, relaxing with his family with no drama. And that's what we TRIED to do.

Since then, I posted on fb trying to help ease the hurt of his other family and friends by letting them know exactly why we couldn't visit them on his leave. Which was because we broke down in another state and couldn't find a way home. In turn, I was attacked, through a comment on my post, by a woman unknown to me. She told me that "I should feel bad" and "Karma is a *****...Good luck". All because she was posting our business on fb. He has since weeded out his friends list. We don't feel that I should have to worry about posting on my own husbands fb page for fear of being attacked.

I have tried hard, for 9 months now, not to drag anyone's name through the mud. But, enough is enough.  I am tired of her making me out to be a nasty person. I am tired of being painted as the bad guy. I am not a bad person. If you think me standing up for myself and my husband, while he is deployed, is wrong then I am wrong. I stood up to her, through fb only, until January. I then blocked her from my fb and my life while he and I worked, for months, to resolve things with the bank, credit card and P.O. box.  I recently found out that she has her friends copy and paste my posts to her so she could see what I am saying, which is and has been nothing. I will admit, a few weeks ago I unblocked and sent her a short private message where I told her at the end that "I didn't need nor deserve her attitude so **** off". But, only because of the nasty note and the postcard from Ireland. I probably should have left it alone but by that time I'd had enough. She says that I am trying to "win". I say, my life and my marriage are not a game. There is no win or lose here. She says, I have everything I wanted and I make sure noone else can enter my family. I will ask anyone who loves and respects us and our marriage to be a part of our lives. I am tired of her trying to control her son's life and our marriage. I am tired of her making herself out to be the "victim" here. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut while being painted as a bad guy. And, I am tired of being bad mouthed by his family and friends because of her.

So, there it is. It's sad that we have had to deal with this during our first year of marriage. On top of that, during a deployment. But, I think the worst part, of it all, is that it's his mother that is doing all these things to us and our marriage. How he feels about that, I can only imagine.

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5 Responses Sep 15, 2012

genyvette, in reading your story I can see how the relationship was set up for failure by the get go. What you went through broke barriers of trust, committment and loyalty. The MIL showed the very signs I mentioned in my recent story. Jealousy, roles, relationships and time (spent with your husband-her son).

I suspect his deployment had something to do with her mood swings because she was fearful of her son. I give you no excuses for her inappropriate behavior.

You wrote this last year, how are things today? Is your husband home, has the PO Bx been solved?

Wow, I cannot believe the PO Bx is still an issue. Great that you found a way to mitigate this very manipulative power struggle. This is what I mean about being creative in our solutions..how sad that we have to do this. But it is what it is I guess.

Sad that the communication has been limited for your husband's sake, however if it really mattered enough to him he would have connected in a way that worked well for everyone. He must be at a limit point that his mom have over extended. Good for him actually.

Revel in the peace....Good luck..

I feel for you, I've been going through a similar situation with my mil gor the past 8 years. My wife can't go out to dinner without her bitching about it. Yet it's ok for her to go out and do things. She's so messed up, who the he'll washes Saran wrap and reuses it? She does the same thing with foil, paper plates and yogurt cups. So F'n ghetto! And the way she treats my wife is just unsatisfactory. She complains, tells my wife to drive her here and there, ******* about how she is doing something because her mother didn't do it that way. Who F'n cares her mother is dead! I so want to tell my mil to to join her mother but even God puts out the " no vacancy " sign.

That sounds awful. Do not feel bad for sticking up for yourself & I agree you should remain cut off from her. Since your husband has started sticking up for you I think he will come to realize that he needs to take a look at his relationship with her as well.

If he's still getting mail at her p.o. box - send him a change of address form and he can do it himself. She shouldn't be getting any of his mail. And if she's been opening it, you can tell her that that's a federal offense.
If family and friends know what she's like and they're still believing her, do you really want them as people in your life? people that are so easily swayed by the garbage she's spewing? I'd say good riddance to them.
Stay cut off from her for your own sanity. but i wouldn't recommend forcing your husband into a cutoff. He's got to do that on his own when he's ready. You just need to keep her out of your marriage. Don't let husband discuss her with you or tell you anything she says about you. That's only stirring the pot. And you don't need to hear it.
Sounds like your husband is standing up for you, which is the way it should be. You are now his immediate family. Anyone else is extended family. too bad some mothers don't get that and can't let go. And since i hear it so often - don't let anyone tell you, even your husband, that you're putting him in the middle. There is no middle. when he asked you to marry him he was asking that you two become one. no room in the middle there.
So try to stay strong and if you need to, go see a counsellor, either with your husband or by yourself. good luck

If she gets crazy, give him a chance to stand up for you and put her in her place before you decide to end the marriage. But, he has to be there for you. If she doesn't like it, too bad. Hopefully, he understands that his marriage is at stake here. good luck

Your husband can start his own account and never put another dime in their joint one. My husband was able to add me to his account that had his mother on it. Once that was done I simply moved the money and left her with the account number to her name.
His mother applied self-help to his account for years on the grounds he owed them money and doled out a pittance for gas money to go to work and food. I'm guessing the account is hers and his name is on it. Depending on how much money is in there you might consider cutting your loses or finding a lawyer and proving how much of the money is his. He should be able to withdraw either way.
His mother insisted on paying his bills for him. Aside from what they gave him from his paycheck he had no idea how much money he had in the bank. They were freaking leeching off him like bloodsucking vampires. Her name was on his house, his car. you name she had her fingers in it. Took forever to untangle her web and cut her off. In fact at one time she somehow changed the address for our tax bill after we'd had her removed from the deed.
My husband is the only child they have that has ever been gainfully employed and made a good salary. And my MIL found a way to get a free ride for years before we got married. I really feel your frustration in this. she led my husband to beleive he was always broke and owed them money for bills that didn't exist.
her other kids seem to think its normal for mommy to be on their joint accounts. With the touch of the phone she can take money right out from under them.

yes well 1000 sounds cheap when you realize the cost on your marriage. But I would have loved to be a fly on the wall the day she found zippo in that account and not a legal leg to stand on. Which btw before doing anything like that make sure you have the right to. Since my husband was the primary and she was added on there was squat she could do. And none of the money was her's either. Just deposits from my husbands job through direct deposit. She never put a penny in that account but she sure took plenty out.