How About This For A Slap In The Face?

I was once again the topic of conversation during a heated discussion between my husband and his mother. In his frustration he told her that she's never treated me like family and it's been hurtful for me to feel like I can never do anything right. Her response was just lovely. She told him that the whole MIL DIL having a good relationship thing was an idealized theology.

As is typical for her she neither confirmed nor denied her hurtful actions. She justified them as usual and I guess in a way that's admitting that they happened. She just does not see anything wrong with treating me like garbage. I gave her the benefit of the doubt for so many years and to have her say something like that just tells me she has never been and never will be interested in having an actual relationship with me. Not because of who I am or anything I have done, that's just the way she feels about having a relationship with her DIL.

I'm just completely floored right now.....
chenderson chenderson
31-35, F
4 Responses Dec 12, 2012

That's the very thing I'm afraid of......over time my hubby will allow them back into our lives. Then they will go right back to being nasty and disrespectful. People don't change. I don't believe they have had an epiphany in any manner. Mainly they are treading lightly by their words and actions. The bell cow, his mother, has made sure the rest of the family follows her lead.

Yes, an eye opener.....doesn't matter who you are, what you say or do! I wish you could just eliminate her from your lives like we have. My heart goes out to you. The rejection is such hell. Beating yourself up over everything you say and do, wondering when it will ever get better. What a hit your self esteem takes!
For me, things have gotten better....but mainly b/c we don't give my ILs any opportunity to hurt me anymore. Yes, my hubby does speak to her every now and then, at his convience. His distance and stance has altered all his family's negative attitudes and nasty comments. They are now respectful. They are also terrified that if they mess up again, he will have no problem never speaking to them.

We've pretty much kept them out of our lives for the last several years. Slowly there has been a little more communication between them and my husband and it seemed to be going well. My husband kept saying "I think they finally get it" For his sake, I hoped he was right. We let them come visit for the first time in 5 years a few months ago and it didn't go bad. It was awkward of course but there was no drama which I thought was a good start.

Then this happens! They've made the decision for us at this point. They wouldn't answer the phone and have not responded to email so there's not much we can do at this point.

Let me see if I can help out here ?

I studied Psychology and I CAN NOT confirm this statement as being anything but manipulation and Narcisistic..." She told him that the whole MIL DIL having a good relationship thing was an idealized theology. "
I can however give you a tool that will help.When you are dealing with a toxic mentally ill person like your MIL. It is appropriate ok to use AVOIDANCE FROM A TOXIC PERSON.....LOL

My MIL is the same. Although I could have a wonderful relationship with her if I never called her on her hateful nasty lying behavior about me. 20 years of thinking it was something i'd done or wasn't doing. The reality is that she thinks her love and approval are so wonderful that I would do anyting and tolerate any treatment to sit at her feet and worship.
You thinks she's bad now. Wait till you not only stand up to her but hold your ground. I will never allow anyone to have that kind of sick emotoional hold on me again. It is sick and abusive.

I put up with it for 10 years before I hit my breaking point. We've had a rocky relationship with my in laws since then and that was 5 years ago. I keep getting so angry with myself for all the times I told myself to just try harder, all the times I beat myself up over this because I was not succeeding, and all the times I opened my door to her and allowed her unconditional access to not only myself but also my children.

A few weeks ago I would have said things were finally starting to improve but I guess I was wrong. After that conversation and the theatrics she pulled she wouldn't answer the phone again so I sent her an email and told her that her son is trying like hell to have a relationship with her. It wasn't one of those 2 page deals where I let her have it. I just let her know we are trying here but it takes some effort on her part too and that her actions are really hurting my husband. She didn't respond. My husband told me she wouldn't. My FIL did though and there were a lot of mixed messages in it. In some of it we thought he was reaching out and in some of it we thought his only intent was to tell me off. It was interesting though because he took the initiative to deny things she has done that we did not bring up. They did happen but they were things we let slide and didn't take issue with. To me that spoke volumes about her knowing exactly what she was doing and it being intentional. My husband has tried quite unsuccessfully to reach out to his father before. We've never known what his thoughts on this were or where he stood. It amazes me that he is either in complete denial or he's seriously dropped the ball as a father. I know there's no way in hell my husband would silently stand by while I did this to our children. He would not ignore me treating our children's spouses badly and sure as hell wouldn't defend me for it. Nor should he! My FIL also said something along the lines of let the past be the past but then kept bringing it up. My husband responded to him and basically asked for his help. That was almost 3 weeks ago and we haven't heard anything from either of them.

One of the things lost to my inlaws in this nonsense is that relationships change. My husband is 50 and does not need his mother slobbering over him. And yet she prefers to treat him like a 10 year old. For the most part he humored her and put up with it. But as the attacks on me became more open and vicious he felt the need to speak up. Of course that is when she started wailing about her son loving his wife more than his mother.
The last bout of lying was thrown at him. And of course followed by her lame attempt to pretend it never happened. We are past the point of it was just a misunderstanding. The lies and manipulation and control freak behaviors are not tolerable in an adult child parent relationship.
My fil is a sweet man but he's been sucked into the vortex of her mental behaviors. I suppose since he lives with her keeping a low profile along with nodding and smiling is a survival behavior. Over 20 years I've heard her say things to him that were also abusive.
He's also tried to play the it's in the past card. After a while it just wears really thin.

Let me tell you something.I have had an alcoholic beligerant and Narcistic MIL for 33 years.I loved my FIL but the truth is that he let the MIL terrorize my wife as a child.He tried to manage her when I showed up in 1979 and then he died in 1993.The room grew icy before he was in his grave.

If my wife EVER abused our DIL I would give her an option Appoligize and knock it off.If it continued then it's therapist or divorce.Your FIL is as sick as she is.