I Hate My Dil Page...

So I saw this, and was curious of the opinions from the other side. What I saw made my pulse jump, palms twitch, and made me just down right angry.

I clicked on a few of the stories about how much these women hated their DILs. I read them, trying to keep in mind, we have a spot to vent; OK, only right they do too.

But I came to a theory, no wait, a solution! A solution that could quite possibly mend this giant rift between DIL & MIL. Okay over exaggerating just a wee little bit here but you get the idea. Lol

MOTHERS: What goes on in your child's marriage/relationship is none of your business. Let your child make their own decisions and mistakes. A marriage is already hard enough with 2 people involved. Nobody wants a meddling 3rd wheel...

IN REGARDS TO GRANDCHILDREN: You raised your children. Now take a step back, these babies are not yours. They belong to another woman. Things have changed since your children were babies. Advice is not welcome unless specifically asked for.

I could go on, but I think this should fit as a public service announcement. ;)
steamed27 steamed27
26-30, F
7 Responses Jan 10, 2013

I am a mother in law as of last week. I completely agree with you. When my son and daughter in law left their reception I felt it was time to step aside. I felt so strongly that when they were riding up the elevator at the hotel I jumped out and said "call me when you get back from the honeymoon!" They took offense at this. For goodness sake it was their wedding night. Mom does not interfere with that. They called me Monday and I said "what are you doing calling me on your honeymoon?"
The wedding had a lot of hurt feeling by me and I did my best to smile. It is their wedding and I kept my mouth shut. All I did say was "welcome to the family Krysten." She was a seriously drop dead gorgeous bride. They took offense at my compliment.
I think it is time to take a step back. Let them call me when they are ready. Let them come and visit when they are ready. In addition I feel no reason to inform them if my health continues to deteriorate. (they had no clue at the wedding because I did not want to create drama.
It just seems like no matter what I do it is not right. They even called me to say "the mother in law is not welcome." Good grief I would never barge in on them. The best thing to do is to take a step back and let them enjoy their new life. They are creating agony in my life and I have to protect myself. What do you think?
I wish my daughter would tell her brother that he is being a jerk.
By the way I love my daughter in law. She is so committed, works so hard and most of all makes my son happy. I wish I knew why she just hates me.

I don't know how old your son is or what your past circumstances are, but those will play into all of this. Even if your son is in his 40's, he's still a developing human being; changing and morphing in identity throughout life. I'm sure you know this. Try not to blame your daughter in law, though I can understand if that you might feel angry and hurt and that the rift is her fault. But remember, your son chose her. I think that there is some natural jealousy that happens between a new spouse or partner and the original family, especially those of the same sex. They might be distant for a while. They might find ways to turn you into the bad guy. But just know that it's her insecurity fueling his need for separation. A sort of perfect storm. You and your daughter are the first females that ever loved your son. You know him better, longer, and more deeply than she does. For an insecure female, that spells competition. She wants him to love her more deeply than he ever loved you guys and he wants the same for himself and they both want it now. If there were issues in the house of codependency, he might need the space. But, he is more likely jumping into another codependent relationship. I've been the DIL and the SIL. I have experienced intense jealousy of my perfectly kind and sincere SIL (husband's sister) and have been the object of jealousy at the hands of my brother's wife. Above are the conclusions drawn from examining myself and others. I think that it's all natural part of development as an individual revamping their identity, becoming part of a new family (they're own). And anger often fuels it. We are all in process. Don't take their bait. If they start stepping on boundaries, say so. It sounds like the wedding was a stressful event and feelings were hurt on both sides, which is bound to happen when everyone has expectations and those expectations are different. If you did anything truly offensive, own up to it and amend for it. But be firm with your boundaries, be self preserving. Don't be passive aggressive, either. Guilt and silence are passive aggressive. If your health problems get to a point where he needs to know, tell him... but not to make him feel guilty. They will probably resent it if they hear about it from someone else. And remember, they are probably looking for reasons to revile you right now. Try not to take it personally. Good luck! It might be really hard for a while, just know that the little boy you raised and loved will always be there even if the man that he is doesn't want anything to do with you for the moment.

Greetings; perhaps she doesn't hate you. She maybe cautious of coming too close to you so you won't damage their relationship. Some in laws have heard and or experienced issues where they have dealt or heard this before. She mayhave received some good counseling from someone else regarding family. So don't try to make her like you. Just be genuine in the presence of her. You don't want to appear fake, because if your son loves her and anything sets off between you and her; this can cause you to lose your relationship with your son. Just give her more and more tine to get to know you. Blessings

I believe we DIL's embrace some fine wisdom into the relationships we have with our dear ole' MIL's. I also believe everyone one of us has one fine wisdom to share. Mine would be if I were to tell her would be"

Dear MIL,

Please do not view your son's relationship with his wife with jealousy, instead feel happy that he has found someone to share his life with.

Please appreciate the things that I do do for you that I am doing to please you like break bread with you on a regular basis. Please say thank you and tell me how good the meal was.

Please dear MIL do not interfer when your son and I are having a personal discussion that has nothing to do with you. Silence would be golden in situations like this.

Please welcome my children although we are a blended family, they too would like to feel welcomed and invited to family gatherings.

Please leave your woes, bad moods & stubborness at your door step when we come to get you and spend money on a dinner out and a movie. Please thank us instead of wanting more from us. We are trying to please you.

If I were to to tell her anything I would tell her to be happy for her son.

Ugh....those are my thoughts. to my MIL...

Please go on, I would like to read more on this topic, my MIL fits that bill to a tee..

Steamed27, I did the exact same thing and read "I have a DIL from hell" -- and I wholeheartedly agree with you!! All these MILs whinging and ranting made me cringe -- they were just horrible to their DILs, and wondered "oh why poor me?"...

Although there were a few cases where I did actually feel bad for the MIL, the vast majority needed a good slapping with the "get real" stick. :P

Great post! Very well explained.

I don't think my MIL has figured that out yet and my marriage is going on 15 years, with children during the last 13 of those!

Wouldn't it be great if you could just infiltrate your Mil's brain with that message?? Lol

Yes, that is the whole point, really the heart of the issue mind your own business lady this is our life!