I Wanted A Normal Family; Blind From Cataract And Is Refusing To Get Surgery

Where to begin? Well lets start with her (MIL) She is currently almost completely blind from cataract and is refusing to get surgery because she distrusts doctors. She has not seen her only grandchild my daughter in more than three months and counting which includes her 2nd birthday and Christmas. Even thou we have invited her over multiply time. Every time we tried to visit she does not leave her room by stating she has another migraine headache. She lives with her two adult children who have never lived away from home ages 24 and 32. She holds grudges and preserved personal injustice forever, and tends to think most people have bad intentions. She has absolutely no humor what so ever, as she takes everything to have a literal meaning. Husband and I have paid for EVERY fun activity ever involving her; restaurants, camping, ext. We have gifted money to pay for emergency dental needs and bought expensive items like stoves and legal bills in the past. She has never said thank you or offered to return the favor someday EVER. She is unemployed by choice, and has been unemployed for over 6 years. The house she lives in is stuffed from room to room of clutter and the dysfunction of a hoarder. She has never trusted me enough to leave me unattended in any room other than the bathroom. I know the rules in her house even though they have never been spoken out loud. I do not mention the mess or stuff piled in the corners and every flat surface. I do not ask to see a cute picture on the wall as I might steal it. I will sit quietly on the couch and be a nice sweet person. (Kind of hard when chasing down a two year old to keep it safe from all the unsafe clutter).
Now about me. I grew up in a family of love and patience I have always been this to her. I smile and laugh, I follow the rules, and I do not take anything too personal until very recently. Husband and I have been married 10 years we have one child; a two year old girl. We started out our marriage very poor. We paid for everything ourselves by team long haul trucking together. Now we are doing all right, we have our home and are settling in to midlife and middle class.
Ok, here is where the fun part of the story really begins. We invited her and brother and sister in law to my daughters birthday party, and could not get any response, so husband went to visit and was told that because she does not think I like her, she never wants to see me again. I have never ever ever ever said or done anything to upset her, as I had a feeling she is unwell mentally. When asked she says its because I sometimes dont eat her food, and my face is sometimes not looking happy. (Remember she is almost completely using a white cane blind). Knowing her personality she will make a big fuss to her two adult children who live with her and support her in every way if they try to visit us by their selves. They love us and our child. I am so angry and pissed off I can not see straight! I am trying to find ways to calm down telling myself that she is mentally ill (undiagnosed because she distrust doctors), but I just feel such a loss because it will now be so much harder to have a fully interactive relationship my daughters aunt and uncle who love her dearly. I wanted a good relationship with my mother in law; I feel envy when I hear of other women that have that, and I feel grief for my daughter and husband who have lost a person to love fully. She has told my husband that he can come over and bring my daughter, but he is refusing. He says we go together or nothing at all. I feel bad for not wanting to take my daughter over to visit. Is it wrong to keep a young child away from mental imbalance at the loss of them losing a grandparent?
I want to pray for her but I am too pissed off to do that right now.
Just Sad- LittleWords
LittleWords LittleWords
4 Responses Jan 19, 2013

I know what it is like having a paranoid relative as my aunt was grossly paranoid and did not trust doctors. Cataracts have been linked to psychosis. Getting both might suggest the paranoia could be an expression of an underlying metabolic disorder. Your mother-in-law may have an inborn error in her metabolism. Her doctor should consider testing her serum amino acids and giving her a metabolic screen. Some of these disorders are hereditary, so perhaps your husband might get tested too. Cataracts and paranoia are both in my family and when I got paranoia I started looking into the possible cause. My disorder presents with low serum amino acid ornithine, so if she has tests and your mother-in-law is low ornithine, I would be interested to hear from you. Check out the other physical disorders that are in my family on my posts. Having an underbite is one of them, so see if your mother-in-law or her children have underbites. If a pattern of the physical symptoms of my disorder are in your husband's family, it might mean my disorder is a possibile underlying culprit. If you come up with low ornithine results I can tell you where my doctors are up to with targetting treatment. Best wishes

I definitely feel your pain, but the important thing to recognize here is her mental state of mind. Although this is not your place, your MIL does need mental health intervention. YOur husband should be concerned about her safety here.

I hope he will take the lead on that. However, I agree that you visit as a family once you allow your husband to go by himself, then she has won. This is exactly what my MIL would like her son to do, him only to visit her. On some level I think the relationship my husband has with his mom is slightly odd. Ugh..

Thank you for your post and understanding. I have been feeling alot better since writing about this becouse of the feed back like yours that confurms that she is ill, and needs help. It is of great comfort to know that I am not the only one that has gone through this type of thing. My husbend is looking into this, sadly though I do not feel she will willing welcome help, but we must not close her off we must at least try.

I have worked in the Psychology field for 26 years and I don't just......think your MIL is Mentally ILL.I know she is suffering from OCD,Depression and she is Paranoid so she may have more than an anxiety Disorder.

The hoarding is a symptom of the OCD ,anxiety and Depresssion.

The best thing to do is to call into the Health Department and or Fire Department and have her house inspected for safety.There may be mold that can kill in the house or a fire could kill a Fireman or the people in the house.

This could be the thing that forces her to change her world and get psychological help and even simple eye surgery.

NEVER LEAVE A HOARDER ALONE.If you see a hoarder you are helping them by reporting them.Have someone else call it in if you want to invisible in this.

REMEMBER things won't get better till someone brings the experts to her and forces a change.STOP feeling sorry for her because she is not blind .......she choses not to be treated.This is not the 1700's were they can't fix her eyes with a 40 minute proceedure.

Thank you, for your suggestions and the name of the conditions she is suffering from. I know that without some form of professional help she will not get better although this is very thing that will be resisted the most. For me to be able to express myself without limits about this is really helpful for me, especially when others like your self help me to step out of the vacuum of own mind, and see this from other perspectives. Thank You So Much.

That is what she wants!!! She wants you upset. Don't give it to her. Kudos to your husband for sticking up for you. As for aunt and uncle- it will work itself out. You have done nothing wrong- she is just miserable and wants to make everyone else miserable and found a way to do it. Your daughter is two- not going to that house sounds safer for her. Good luck!

Mlewis55, Thank you for your encouragement. Reading through others stories about their extended family members has lead me to understand how much of a blessing I have in my husband who is trying to protect us, so many have to go through this type of experience without this help. I can’t imagine the pain. You have made me feel a little bit better about the Aunt and Uncle. Thanks