Not a Kind Word These Three Years...........


When I moved from the UK to the USA to marry my American husband and begin a new life here, my whole life was full of hope, promise and great excitement.

The first day I arrived in the USA from a lengthy flight from Heathrow Airport I bursting with joy. I was to be married with 2 weeks and this would be the first time I was to meet my new in-laws.

I could never have imagined what a cold reception lay in store for me. It was a blow of the most colossoal force, I simply wasn't expecting it.

From the moment I met my mother-in-law until today, some three and a half years later, I've never once gotten the impression that she likes me, even the smallest, tiniest bit.

I hugged her and she didn't hug me back, a bit odd I thought, but nothing that would trouble me, maybe she just wasn't a hugger I thought. But no, she hugs the other daughter-in-laws and it seems with great joy.  In fact her two favourite topics of conversation are her other daughter-in-laws.

I really strived and struggled to make a good impression, really hoped and was, confident I could get her to like me. I'm a fairly agreeable person, and had never put a foot wrong where she was concerned. I really had no need, we agree politcally and have the same spiritual tendancies and agreed on most social issues. So why didn't she like me? I still wasn't sure. I'm still not. But I'm pretty sure she hates me with a vengence.

In my ongoing quest to be accepted by her, I dutifully attended all (very over-bearing) family gatherings, up to 5-6 a month and thought I'd start inviting her over for lunch. (I couldn't work for my first year here, due to the nature of my Fiancee Visa).

So this one day I was pregnant with my first child at the time I made a real effort to cook something nice for her lunch. A huge effort for me because I'd never cooked before I was married, other than the simplest of things - I worked in PR and often had dinner out with clients and lunch etc. was a simple sandwich eaten at my desk. So I was really making an effort. The conversation began to veer, as it often does to the "wonderful daughters-in-law" and on and on she went, and then she mentioned a name I was unfamiliar with. The was "Kelly". So I asked who kelly was and she told me this Kelly had been a girlfriend of my husbands.

Now that's not something to get into a tizzy about, I mean he had a life before he met me, just as I had too. OK, so no problem there. But on and on she goes on about Kelly and how she is best friends with my husband's brother and his wife. This was the first i had heard this, (this particualr brother-in-law lives out of state) but again this was not a problem, what did I care who they were friends with. So again, not a problem there, until my mother-in-law starts telling me that my brother-in-law would much have preferred my husband to have married this Kelly person.

Honestly at that point the tears were starting to well in my eyes and I was so glad that she had finished her tea and was reaching for her coat. As soon as she left I burst into tears. It was like living in some kind of terrible mental torture, being treated as a second class citizen for no apparant reason.

I called my husband to work and asked him about the relationship with Kelly.  He told me that Kelly was from Hawaii, and he'd dated her for approx. 3 months, and over the course of those 3 months he'd met up with her 3 times. And one of those times his mother had met her and made it very clear that she did not like Kelly, and he knew that his brother and sister-in-law were friendly with her because she moved to the state they lived in, but hadn't realised they were quite that friendly.

Why did my mother-in-law tell me that? My husband thinks she is in the grip of Alzhiemers disease and made it up. However, I find her to be extremely lucid when she talks about her "wonferdul daughters-in-law".

I went from 120lbs to 241 (major comfort eating because I missed my own lovely family at home in the UK) after my first child was born and all I heard from her was about how "the wonferful daughters-in-law" all lost their baby weight so quickly and how none of them gained as much as me.

She is perpetually rude to me, never hugs me, always cold, sarcastic, contradictive and a more hateful, wicked old ***** never walked the earth. I hate the woman. And I hate the way she makes me feel.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Thanks for listening, I've got no one else in this entire country to talk to.

ErinGoBra ErinGoBra
31-35, F
3 Responses May 25, 2007

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for someone who is so far from her own family and friends. You don't have your mother or father close by to support you. Your mil is so mean-spirited, think how awful it is for her to be her! The more poison she spits out and sprays around, she just can't get rid of it all! So, it's time to stand up for yourself. Doesn't have to be a screaming argument. When she starts in on the you-don't-measure-up comments, put in a few mil comments for yourself. You know, "I always dreamed of having a mother-in-law I could be friends with, someone who could teach me things and we could do things together." Said in conversational tone. No harsh words, so she sees she can't hurt you. You must also talk with your husband. He himself has a duty to protect and defend you, and he is the one who must state the "boundaries" to her or any other family member who hurst or insults his wife. Good Luck.

I'm so sorry you feel so isolated,it must be horrible to be so unjustly maligned. Its obviously her problem,and i agree with cmost on her comment. You sound like a lovely soul,please dont let her change you although I realise how hard that can be. Dont allow her to drag you down <br />
to her level. you are a bigger person than that !<br />
You have a beautiful spirit within you , and nothing and no-one can take it away from you. Stay strong,.... and sending you love from the U.K !

It does seem she is doing these things deliberately to you. Maybe she is one of those Mother in laws who is not going to like anyone your husband is with. You know I noticed that you said she praises her other daughter in laws to you. I wonder if she gets around them and really does the same thing to them that she does to you. Sounds like she is very two faced and I am willing to bet the other daughter in laws have had troubles with her that you just haven't heard about.