Mother In Law Shattering My Sanity

I have an overpowering, domineering, control freak of a mother in law and I'm over her.  My marriage is on the rocks now because I have stopped taking her crap and started speaking out to my husband.  I use to love her until we HAD TO move a block away from her.  She does not respect any boundaries and feels entitled to just come over any time or make demands of my time.  She raised 4 kids by just telling them all what to do and what to think and has manipulated every decision they have ever made and she's trying to do the same with me.  She has scheduled all of our vacations in the past 2 yrs and made us go where she wanted us to go when she wanted us there with her and the rest of your robot kids and husband.   She tears apart everything I say and is convinced I have an "agenda" about everything.   All of her adult children (in their thirties can think for themselves very well and are still very very easily managed by her including my husband. They are all so concerned about how much she loves them and how not to dissapoint her ever.   They still try to compete for her attention and praise.    I resent her judgement, critisisms and micro management, if we make an indepedant decision about anything she tears it about and calls everyone she knows to tell them how wrong we are, and how she would never do that or "what kind of a person does that" which is her favorite phrase.    If she doesn't agree with something we say she "what an idiot, are you kidding me? do you honestly believe that".   She's an opinionated ***** that hides behind her southern lady polite bullshit.    She is the kind smiles at you when she's telling you that your shoes are an "interesting choice"  or "I would have never thought of saying something like you just said"       My husband hates my complaining, things would be so much easier if I just went with the flow and shut my trap and didn't protest.   I refuse.  He resents me.  We're in therapy.  It's not helping.  He doesn't get why I am so opposed to doing her bidding.  He doesnt' get why I am so insulted of her constant judgements about how we raise our son.  She has a strong opinion about everything we do.    I'm so unhappy.  "Every day it's something else" my husband said today.  Yesterday she sent over a huge casserole dish someone gave her that "didn't look edible" SO SHE SENT IT TO US!!  I had a problem with that, my husband didn't, in fact he asked why I turned it away!   Today she leaves me a message that her other grandson is home from school with his aunt from out of the country at home alone and wouldn't be nice if I went over there for a visit.  His aunt doesn't speak any language I do and I don't know her, she simply wanted ME to entertain her.   NO NO NO!   I tell my husband this and he's upset WITH ME!   I can't win.  I'm so unhappy.   What do I do?  I love my husband, I love my son and I don't want to lose either because of her.    I should just shut up and go with it and not protest.   I feel like a victim and nobody understands and nobody is on my side.  I am damned any way I cut it.  I'm screwed.  

momoftwo momoftwo
36-40, F
3 Responses May 25, 2007

I here you! I do not have a different story than you have about my MIL. You are living a block away from here and I am living in the same house, for 6 months every year and it kills me. My husband helps me but not really, he tells i know my mother is not right but i need to learn to adjust....so it is fuckign the same thing what your husband has been doing. This time i have decided to play games insteadof takign the crap...i think that would be your best bet too. When she calls to entertain or somebody tell her you got an doc.'s appointment or something, You would love to go but you can't and then just make up an appointment if your hasband is goign to double check...hopethings get better, i can feel how it feels to be where you are

please know you are not in the wrong, you are absolutely right for standing up for what you believe is right.<br />
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a lot of women are in our position.<br />
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and it's the cowardly men who make the situation overall worse - because they tolerate her disrespectful behavior and don't stand up for you.<br />
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i've heard all the excuses..."it's just the way she is, you can't win it's better to just let her be, just let her talk and ignore it, just go with it - it'll be easier that way, etc."<br />
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BULLSHIT<br />
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the fact someone is heartless and malicious or self-centered and insane does NOT excuse behavior.<br />
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it's too bad the rest of the family has decided to roll over, but it doesn't mean YOU have to. <br />
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i've learned one thing so far, if you don't stand up for yourself and what's right, no one else will.<br />
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don't fall into submission because it's easy.

a southern woman eh? too familiar ... my exMIL is a southern woman. she was simply awful and i bet she hasn't changed. i imagine if she's a southern woman that would make your husband a southern son by proxy. this is NOT good news, at least it wasn't for me. seeing as how my marriage ended in divorce, i obviously don't have any advice that was successful for me, however, i'm full of advice from my experience in therapy prior to divorcing. i believe if the husband is willing the advice i received could be successful, but ... what's the therapist say? what's your husband say about what the therapist says? is your mil willing to go to therapy with you and your hub? do the majority of your marital problems stem from your mil?