Newest Infomation Crazy Mil

Hello all, I have been dealing with various MIL issues for a while now, and have gotten rather comfy and lazy about sending private messages rather than posting to the whole community, and consequently am probably missing out on a lot of interesting input and perhaps even assistance! First of all, let me remind for any newbies, that I have a MIL who has Borderline Personality Disorder, in a nutshell she is manipulative, dishonest, crazy, and no matter what you do she cannot be pleased nor can she show gratitude or genuine appreciation. My husband and I have dealt with her various (often very personal in nature) attacks over the 8 years we have been together, ranging from being verbally accused of ripping her elderly mother off on a used car (we sold it at $1,000 below the value, and allowed her to make payments of $105/month to accomodate her fixed income, and trust me, we are in NO financial position to help others out!), the car runs great like 5 years later, btw, to the accusation that I have my husband "wrapped" and tell him what to do/think/feel. This is not only an insult to myself, but also my husband...he is his own man with his own opinions, trust me! Anyway, the problems began when I started to open his mind to what the world had to offer outside of the ONE CITY he had lived in his whole life and introduced him to political awareness, following your dreams and reaching for goals, and helping him see that there may be better ways of doing things than what his relatively limited experiences had taught him prior to our meeting. At first, she seemed grateful that I was helping to show him "the world", and open his mind to new ideas. Once it got to be too much, just before the wedding, she began to show her true colors. She wanted to invite 2 pages of people to the wedding that we were paying for OURSELVES 100%, and when I informed her that my husband did not recognize over half the names on the list and explained that we needed to cut the list down to cut costs and keep it around 100 people, she went crazy and let me know in no uncertain terms that I think I am all that and because I went to college I think I am better than everyone else (at least in her family, she thought). Fast forward 4 years, and we have a beautiful son. She and her husband have NEVER initiated any interaction with us; we always invited them over for dinner, BBQ's, to see the baby, etc. In the 8 years we have been together, never ONCE have they initiated ANY interaction, even on holidays and often they rebuffed our attempts. I began to get disgusted when she (he works so much he is really more of a codependent passive problem) failed to seem to care about the baby, only coming to see him when I called to ask them to come by (I had a C-Section and am disabled due to a severe back injury, yet still worked full-time and went to school to get my M.A. until October of last year), and has only ever bought him one Carter's pj set from Costco (which only matters because of the MASSIVE abundance of items she has always purchased for the other grandson, born 5 years earlier and in the custody of his mother, so seeing him is always drama and requires her effort...she since his birth has bought him EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE including paying for his bday parties and buying him gifts. She bought him a Cars DVD/TV combo for Christmas, as well as the same books and other gifts that my son got, but she told me 2 weeks before Christmas that she planned to give my son her old 13 inch tv, seeing as how she had replaced hers with a better one for herself and all. I went nuts. Last easter, she got easter baskets for the other grandson and the 2 daughters of her other son's wife, and NOTHING for my son. They were shocked that we reacted angrily. Now we have drawn a line in the sand somewhat; providing info on this disorder and demanding that she seek help and begin taking responsibility for her actions from now on, and treat the kids equally. We also called her out on many of her manipulative tactics and asked her to try to see things from our side. We said that she and her husband need to take a long, honest, and hard look at their behavior and then we could move forward. She called my Mom and Dad (not living together, 2 seperate calls) to tell them what a terrible person I am and how I treat my husband like a boy and not a man, how I disrespect my mother (her other son talks to her in a manner that I would NEVER consider speaking to my own mother, even a stranger!), and then proceeded to tell them what a ***** I am, etc... Let me just say that this is not a woman who has any room to talk, she is standing in the middle of a glass home throwing stones... Now we have told them (via letter and my husband speaking to his father) that we need to be left alone for a while to get over this most recent attack and asked them to leave us alone and spend some time getting her help for her disorder and looking at their past behavior, the broken promises to our son (and us, but that is irrelevant), and when they felt that they had reached a point of understanding and she has gotten help, etc... that we can perhaps talk to discuss some ways to move forward for the sake of our son. My FIL called my husband today and asked if we were ready to talk. They have done nothing, not even read the literature that we gathered for them (I have seen a professional about her and bought 3 books, which I copied parts of and highlighted), but they want to talk. My husband says that he wants to stick to our original boundaries and goals, but that he feels he owes them a face-to-face explanation, and that they are unable to truly comprehend the magnitude of the problems and are, in their own minds, simplifying them, and that they need us to explain things to them. I am angry, I say that if they can read, they can seek help, and understand on their own. I included phone numbers of local psychs who deal with her disorder, and took the time w/my hubby to read all of this stuff, and they don't even care enough to read and try to understand where we are coming from? My husband is a great man, a loving father, and a great husband. he has been loyal to our needs and interests throughout this ordeal, especially since we provided the information to assist her to get the help she so desperately needs. Why am I angry with him for what I see as playing into their hands? Why can I not get the image of them manipulating him once again out of my head when we meet face to face? I know he is strong and knows we are right here, but things can be difficult to address when your mom is crying and begging and all of that which is all a part of her plan. Do you think it is a good idea to meet with them face-to-face? I plan to go for my husband's sake, but I intend to allow him to do most of the talking and to only pipe up if they seem to misunderstand. Am I wrong to not want to go to their house (my hubby does not want to discuss our business in public, and I will not allow them in my home right now, and he doesn't want them here either...) and go over something that has been made more than clear in writing and that she has rejected 100% (I had to block her phone numbers because she was filling my machine with refuting our letter and telling me what a BItXh I am, then begging for my son in the hopes he would hear), then she now has taken to calling my hubby's cell and lvng messages "I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE, I AINT DONE NOTHIN WRONG...YOU PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING TO KEEP ME FROM MY GRANDSON..." oh, now she cares to see him? BTW...I had to pay her when she watched him once to twice a week while I was working, although she watched the other grandkid and the brother's wife's 2 kids for free, along w/her friend's kids for free...) I am so tired and cracked out, but I cannot shake the angry feeling I have, and I think I am wrong to direct it as my hubby, but it has been so peaceful in the last 6 weeks, at least for me... Any takers on this one? Sorry about the length, you should hear me talk..
nilestheninja nilestheninja
31-35, F
2 Responses Jun 7, 2007

i agree with bonobabe! i'd most definitely put some distance in the relationship thus creating some boundaries your IMMEDIATE family can live with. then after some time, a good length ... 4-8 mos or so, reaccess if you wish to see where they are and if they're willing to abide by the new boundaries. if at that point they are not willing, the disease must be removed. my best to you with this.

I have a mother with Borderline and ultimately that is one condition that is not easily treated by medications. It takes years of cognitive therapy to really make a difference and I have yet to see any difference. The one thing with borderline is that they always displace everything they do onto someone else, so they are never wrong. Your MIL's Black/White attitude will always paint you in the negative so it really will never be a good situation for you. I have to ask this, what would your life be without having a relationship with your MIL or FIL? It does not sound like they are really adding much to your child's life and your life. From your viewpoint, it is manipulative drama and discord everytime they are around. Life is too short and I have to go biblical here, "If it is diseased, cut it out." I think the best thing that you and your husband can do is to not have a relationship with them. Try 6 months of no contact, change your numbers, etc., see how your life is and if it is happier than you've made the right choice. Sometimes when relatives will not respect boundaries, you have to put some distance between you and them to reinforce your stance. If after the six months you want to reaccess trying to have a relationship then you can pursue at that point. Good luck.