I Have a Depressed Mil :(

I must say i don't hate her in the first place.  Hate is a very strong word for me and i feel hatred will cost more pain and strainous for everyone in the long run.

I was married 2 years ago and I didn't know my MIL was someone who is very dependent on her children (only 2 and my hubby is her eldest son), as she has no friend and my FIL spends a lot of time with his friends in a cafe.

Recently she told my hubby how lonely she feels and she needs his companionship.  In fact after our marriage my Sister in law and MIL sometimes tag along when we go out on Saturdays...this kind of annoys me cos they can do it every Sat till my MIL can sense i'm not happy about it.

I think i treat my in laws reasonably well and fair.  I do not mind them joining once a while, but because my SIL also do not have friends (only at 22 yrs old) due to her reserved character, she becomes our social burden on top of my MIL!

My MIL is very upset lately as my SIL has just joined the work society.  She wants my hubby to spend more time with her (he is already visiting them twice per week and I go to their house once a week, usually around 3 hours) cos she is even more lonely after my SIL goes to work.  My hubby and I work full time and we have no children yet.  I told my hubby that this is not fair to me as we only go out together once per week and it's not very considerate for her to join us every weekend.  we need time to build our own family and we are not responsible for her social problem.

Actually she can sense my unhappiness and she is not demanding every wkn, but once a while...she even counted how many times she has been to our house since after married...i told my hubby that we visit her every week, so why must we still invite her over on Sunday when it's a day when we both are busy doing household chores?

It's just a matter of venue ...does it matter which house you go to?  i really feel very sad and disappointed that despite me buying her whole family gifts whenever i go abroad or for their birthdays and visiting them every week, she still feels it's not enough....I need my own space and time and i do not like them coming to my house so often.  Both of them are beginning to make me feel they are a pest and they need our attention all the time...they told my hubby that they actually would like to come every sunday and sit at our sofa to watch TV...why can't they do it at home?  my hubby thinks it is ok and feel their presence should not upset me...i told him this is ridiculos! ...does anyone out here think i'm too much?  pls advise.....thanks!

 

 

 

 

 

greenie greenie
31-35, F
4 Responses Jun 8, 2007

Moving her to a seniors building would give her new friends and things to do.<br />
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Also you may want to consider hubby and mom see doctor about her depression. She may need support in getting help. It is just a suggestion. If she is actually suffering from depression, it takes 18 months for depression to go away but with meds it takes only about 6 weeks.<br />
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Good Luck to you

initally my hubby pities her and feel that i'm the one who is not being flexible with my time...he feels i'm being too hostile ...but after listening to me, he is now at a loss of what to do...one side is his lonely mother and the other side is his complaining wife...he told me maybe he should ask her out on a sunday afternoon for 1 hour or so (once every 3 weeks) to talk to her....i don't have to go...but i feel it's not necessary...they can talk to each other on the phone instead...anyway what is there to talk since they see each other 2 times per week already?

hey all...thanks a lot for all your suggestions and replies...i really appreciate it...yes, she's a lonely soul...unfortunately i can't introduce her anything in the community center...she wants a partner to do it with her..and she has no one who can accompany her :(<br />
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yes, this situation is still under control now...but i'm really worried it will get out of hand soon as she is getting more and more depressed/lonely...<br />
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I'm really scare my time/space/privacy will be all gone soon...and i'm planning for a baby now....<br />
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my hubby will be away for 2 weeks soon, i'm thinking whether can i NOT visit her these 2 weeks...cos i don't really enjoy going to their house to be frank...let alone if my hubby is away...and i hope she won't ask me to ...

Hi Greenie, <br />
Personally, I think that visiting your in-laws more than once a week is a lot. Do your in-laws have addictions? I hope not. Ouhhh Here's a crazy suggestion; Mayby trying to interest your mil in an activity where she will meet people could get her off your hands. Painting lessons, community dancing...anything. It sounds as if the situation is still under control, so that's good. Whatever you do always stay soft and never loose your cool. Your man should mostly side with you. If not, you should not have to go through this alone. A consoultant is a good tool, sometimes vital, to get through tough moments like these in your couples life. Best Wishs