I Am Not Sure I Should Marry Him

Actually, I hate my future mother in law... She gives me so much stress. It is kind of long story....
My fiance and I engaged a month ago. I mean, I moved to the United Kingdom due to his job, while I gave up a lot of things. Before I moved, we did not live together and we did not have any problem with the future mother in law. Since I moved, I had a lot of struggles settling down here, especially emotional struggles.
The future mother in law does not live in the UK LUCKYLY, however, she lives in Greece where she can come easily. She lost her husband 2 years ago, and she is dependent on my fiance emotionally (even though her daughter lives next door). Her everyday phone call actually drove me crazy especially when I was trying to putting my self together.
On top of that, my fiance, actually, when I expressed being stressed with those phone call situation... next thing he did was calling his mother. (I mean this is not only time my emotion is ignored. i.e. few of our promises have bent due to his mother.)
When she came for Christmas (was already made decision without consulting me), she basically took over kitchen, changed decoration in the house, and kept talking in Greek even though she can speak English well. It was really hard for me bare, because then I have not seen my family for 2 years, and hoping but could not go back to see my family because of our move. I wish my fiance could try to included me, but I always felt I am outsider.
We had talked and agreed for us to be center and he agreed to care for me more carefully. My stress have became extreme, and I thought about breaking up. My fiance decided to have little space between us and his mother to improve our relationship for a while, by trying to let her understand my situation of trying to settle down.
But things did not change. She started saying she will come over on the weekend. We actually had to say no because my fiance was busy from his work and I was stressed and my big presentation was coming soon. Then, she started crying and shouting at my fiance that he does not love her anymore and she does not care of him anymore. My fiance was became really upset.
Then, when our relationship is really fragile and about to break up, he actually asked on that Friday we would like to be alone and do not want her to call him on the weekend except emergency because our situation is really fragile. However, on Sunday she gave him a call to see how he is doing.... I became so mad and my hatred reached extreme. I mean... I should not done that, but I sent her an email saying that you could give us little bit of space, because we ended up having fight and still we are close to break up. She wrote me that those are my problems, and she is not intended to change her attitude, and she and my fiance will be happy as things were.

Now I do not want to do anything with her, and I do not want to see her rest of my life if I could. I am not sure if I should break up with him or not, but it is sucks to break up because of her. My fiance says things will get better, but I cannot see that happening. Also, I cannot trust him in this mother in law matter anymore since I got hurt over and over.

I believe I am lucky at least I am not living with her or living in same country. But I know that things will get even more complicated if we get married... I am not sure what to do.
Jackie003 Jackie003
26-30, F
4 Responses Jun 9, 2007

Would he be willing to try couples counseling? (My fiance was blind to his co-dependant, rude, boudryless, mean-spirited mother until we went to counseling...and his eyes were opened). Sometimes it takes a 3rd party opinion to bring a situation to light.

Marrying him will definitely not improve the situation. I am basically in the same situation. I knew before my husband and I got married about his Mom. He talked about several things she had done prior to proposing. I talked with him about it before I agreed to marry him and again before our wedding, but it didn't help. Luckily, she lives in another state, but she still manages to cause problems. She is no longer allowed to call my house (my husband is currently deployed) so she started writing letters to our 3 mo. old son acting live a big martyr because she wants to know what is going on with him, however, she forgets that I know how hateful she was when she found out we were expecting. Its a long story, but the bottom line is, my husband has no spine when it comes to his mother and that is just the way she wants it. She has been allowed to be controlling and intrusive for so long that she thinks she is entitled to be that way. When my husband returns home he is to either grow a spine and stand up to his mother or I have decided that I will leave him. I do not want to be a single Mom and while I love my husband I'm afraid I would be miserable being married to him as long as he continues to put up with her behaviors. It is truly sad, I have waited to marry and thought I had found the perfect guy only to realize he is only perfect whenever she is not involved. It breaks my heart that he has his priorities so screwed up. Even worse, it has made me feel so hateful - - I don't like feelings this way, but she has managed to drain the happiness out of our relationship. I just want to get away from her and keep my son away from as much as possible.

Thank you for your advice. I totally agree that I think about what I really want. At the same time, hopefully, my fiance will do some action not to be too emotionally dependent on him. I am not sure right now with all the stress I can welcome her (not sure I can ever do that) but hopefully in some future, I can invite her to visit (... it is hard to think about it...). While, I will rethink whole thing before things get too complicated. Thank you.

Firstly, it sounds like your MIL is utilizing your fiance as a substitute male companion and she has become emotionally dependent on him. Your fiance is probably not even aware that he is enabling her in this unhealthy dependency on him and it is probably further cemented by his feelings of parental guilt. You marrying him or not marrying him will not improve the circumstance with your fiance and his mother. Your fiance will have to make a conscious choice to sever the emotional strings with his mother and tell her that she needs to find male companionship elsewhere. Be prepared that he may not ever do this. Many sons cannot confront their mother about emotional issues, it is easier to enable than to set limits. Before you make any rash decisions about your future, why don't you go home and visit your family and get away from your immediate environment. Commune with yourself and figure out what you really want for your future and if your fiance, his mother, and UK factor into what you want. Ultimately, you have the answer within you and if you take sometime away you will figure it out. Good luck to you.