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MIL Does Not Make An Effort to Know Me.

My fiance and I have been together for two years and we are getting married next week. He is a wonderful man who has class. manners, and tact. His mother is a different story.

Throughout our dating process, Mary never once made an effort to get to know me, to ask any questions directed at me, or make an effort to learn about who I am. When I walk into this women's home, she does not even say "hello" or acknowledge my presence. She is not engaging in conversation, but rather rambles about her life and her kids, and her job. She has no tact...the first time I met her she talked about sex and farts at the dinner table. Classy.

My fiance has mentioned to her that she needs to make more of an effort in getting to know me, as I am the most important woman in his life and also his future wife. She had made no such effort. We took a pre-marital class at the church and had to send our parents marriage surveys. Mary has been divorced twice and her love life is one hot mess. Her survey was not only inappropriate, but not taken seriously. One of the questions was "why do you think I am a good partner for your son"? Her reply was "I don't know you well enough to answer this question". Obviously she has made no effort in getting to know me.

I am a very friendly, talkative, and open person. I make an effort to reach out and get to know others.  I happen to think she is jealous and sees me as a threat. My fiance is the only child in the family who has an education, job, and is making something of himself...he's the only "stand up guy" in the family.

Now that we are married, she is taking the #2 spot and not happy about it. She has no boundaries and does what she pleases because she has no husband and the kids are out of the house...she does what she wants when she wants. I do not feel welcomed into the family by her...she has already overstepped her boundaries twice with me...both times I put her in her place (with kindness) and made it clear these are my boundaries, and you are not to cross them. 

Can anyone relate or give me some kind of advice? I really want to have a fantastic relationship with Mary, but it's as if she does not even care about me. I've made several efforts on my part, but it's been useless.

 

 

 

Linszw5v Linszw5v 26-30, F 5 Responses Jun 13, 2007

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I can definately relate. I have tried flattering her and calling her mom, but nothing I do is right. I just read a story that said that most mother in laws have a mental illness and my husband and I believe his mother does. Yours sounds like it too. I really wish you the best. It is sad that they just cant see the good in us or want to even try.

HI, I have a very strained relationship with my mother in law, and have been married for 19 years now. For so long, I was so concerned about defending myself from her stories or lies about me. I have decided to no longer care how she feels about me. WHEW what a difference life is now. I am o.k. with the fact that I can not make her like me, and i am polite and respectful. I do not however go out of my way to spend time with her. I care about her a lot, and pray for her and our relationship. But i can do NOTHING to make her change her opinions, or behaviors towards me. I am finally at peace. It's a good feeling!

Good for you setting up and sticking to boundaries. I think as long as you and your husband are on the same page about what those boundaries are, she won't be able to do to much to tear you apart. What I don't know is how to befriend her. Perhaps invite her out to coffee, saying you would love to get to know her better, since she has been such an important person in her son's life (yes, flatter her). Plus coffee means it can be as short or as long as you want it to be, so you aren't completely stuck if it turns out horribly.

Thanks Niles...I've often felt like she has a hidden agenda. I've shared my experience with my mother who feels the same way...I might have to keep her at arms length sometimes. I appreciate your advice!

I can only hope that you have more success with your future MIl than I have had with mine, but it sounds like you come from VERY DIFFERENT worlds, and not that that means you can never be close, but if she sees you as a threat she may spend quite a bit of time attempting to cause problems for you and/or your husband-to-be.<br />
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It seems she sees your future husband as something of a threat as he, like my hubby) is the first in his family to do anything positive and correct with his life.<br />
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All you can do is make a genuine effort to reach out to her, but always be aware that she may have a hidden agenda and end up hurting you.<br />
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I hate to be negative, just trying to pass on some things that I have experienced. I could not have tried harder to build a solid, genuine relationship with my MIL, and I promise you, no matter what I did it always ended up with her crushing and crashing down on us.<br />
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I hope that you have better luck. Take Care!