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She Is So Condescending and Husband Is No Help

Hi all, im new to this so please be patient with me.  Ok so here is my story....  I have been married for 2 years to a more or less great guy there is only one real problem in our marriage and that is the Mother in Law!  Somehow she has everyone thinking she is so lovely and sweet especially her 3 sons, now i know that alot of you have MILs that are abusive towards you and i feel for you i really do but somehow she does everything very very slyly so that no one really picks up on it, she undermines everything i do with my son and is very disapproving of the way i discipline him (although she doesn't say anything to my face, i hear it from other sources) now would she rather i smacked my son??? I have once heard her say to one of her friends that we were an embarrassment to her and when i was organising my marriage she took complete control which of course really hurt my mother, but in trying to please her i just let her get on with it or else there would have been tears and i would have been the bad one.   Like i said she is not abusive to me but she manages to make me feel inferior and that i am not good enough by the roll of her eyes when i speak or the little tuts here and there. 

Now i can handle all this but everytime i bring it up to my husband we end up in a full blown row over it, i don't understand because quite often he will mention something that my parents do with our son and i take it on board, speak to my folks and its all forgotten about no tears or tantrums but as soon as one word is muttered against his mother all hell brakes loose when all i want from him is to stick by me even if he does think im over reacting or taking everything the wrong way.

So all i am really asking if for some unbiased input, is it too much to ask of my husband especially where our son is concerned to stick by me on my decision's.  I really am hurt by all this and i feel that if this continues it will end up ruining our marriage

helpme2008 helpme2008 22-25 4 Responses Nov 14, 2008

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On my brother's wedding day, my sister, mom and I had a word. My mom wanted us, as daughter to correct her if she ever over do towards my sister-in-law. I am grateful to have such a mother. She has hot temper and she knows she could not control herself at times. When I go back, I will ensure I am in the kitchen helping her out or on whatever that she is doing so that she hasn't a chance to pinpoint my sis-in-law for not helping up...and also as a daughter, no matter how many times you are being scolded, you are tough and bullet-proof. We observe and try to makes things better. Being a daughter-in-law my own, I know it's tough. All other family members play an important role. I love my family. Politicians and dictatorship are banned.

I feel for you, my MIL is the same in some ways, and worse in others. The hard thing with my marriage is I married the 'mommy's boy' and he still defends his mom a bit. And I would be careful with being close to SIL, she might turn her back on you. At least my SILs have stabbed me in the back numerous times. And then I would take a break off of his family for some years and hoping that they would change. Hehehe yeah right! After 15 years nothing has changed, it is ok for them to comment on my family, kids, life but once I say anything about what they do, oh my gosh all hell breaks out. And it doesn't help that I have MIL and one SIL living with us....which makes it really bad, and I am to the point that I don't care if either dies right now. Good luck!

thanks for your comments, we had a really big fight about his mum the other day and i said alot of things that maybe i shouldnt have but i was so angry, but in a away im glad as i was able to say whats been eating at me and i think he listened so we shall wait and see. The good thing about all this is that my sister in law has the same views about our MIL so we kind of get through it that way, thank god we get on so well or i actually think i would lose my mind!

I think you should go to a marriage counselor. A third party. Next time she tries to be sly just repeat what she said loudly enough for everyone to hear. Phrase it in a question like non confrontational just say. Hopefully she'll get embarrassed and back off. Next time she does something questionable with your son just take him and say," Isn't grandma so silly" and walk away. Next time she rolls her eyes Ask Sincerely if something is in them? Put her behavior on the spot. It has worked for my MIL from time to time. I never do it in a way that it's like accusatory. I just put the spot light on her when she's acting like an ***.