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My Wife Is Too Attached to Her Mother.

First of all, let me apologize for the long story. I just have so much to get out of my chest. So here we go.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years now and have two beautiful children together. We are a happy family when my MIL is not in the picture. My problem is that she's ALWAYS in the picture. My wife and I work two hours from home and don't spend as much time with the kids as we would like. That only gives us weekends to spend QUALITY time with the kids and of course each other.

My MIL lives at a convenient distance from us. Not too close, yet not far enough. She babysits the kids for us while we are at work (We pay her VERY well for her services). I appreciate the fact that the kids are being looked after by their grandmother. It makes me feel a lot better about working two hours from home.

I understand that she needs time to relax and be an adult. That's why I don't complain about not seeing my wife on Tuesday's and Thursday's when her and her mother go to yoga class together. I simply pick up the kids on those days, spend time with them and put them to bed. Then of course, after taking a shower and maybe reading a few chapters, I go to bed myself.

My MIL lives by herself. My FIL left my MIL because he couldn't handle the relationship between my MIL and her mother. Just to give you an idea of how the women in my wife's family were raised, my wife is one of three women of over 30 women in her family that are still married. Only three of us are still around hoping to cut the umbilical cord between mother and daughter. The women in that family were all trained from birth that mother knows best and that mother is the only thing that matters in this world.

Excuse my French, but that's bull $h!t. I agree that mothers are certainly very important in our lives, but they are not EVERYTHING in our lives. I love my mother more than most things in this world. However, I'm married now. I can't shove my wife's and kids' needs aside in order to make my mother happy.

I only have two days out of the week to spend QUALITY time with my wife and kids (keep in mind that we also have to mow the lawn, clean the house, do laundry, go grocery shopping and run other errands during those two days.) We don't have the opportunity to spend enough time as a family as it is. I don't want my MIL to be in the picture while I so desperately try to enjoy QUALITY time with my family.

This lady craves more attention than a 6 month old child. She's constantly complaining about being broke, tired and in pain. Let me add that she's only 51 years old. It's sickening to me how my wife falls for her manipulation.

I've spoken to my wife on a number of occasions and she always changes for a while. Then of course the MIL always manages to make my wife feel guilty. I can't take this situation any longer and even though I don't want to go this route, I'm seriously considering getting a divorce. I don't feel like I have a wife. Why stick around and pretend to the world that I'm happy.
technician4pc technician4pc 31-35, M 69 Responses Jul 8, 2007

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My MIL is extremely controlling. My partner gave birth 3 days ago and it is already hell. She physically takes the baby away from me, constantly telling us what to do and when to do it. Last night whilst I was downstairs making her night feed, she walked into the bedroom and took MY daughter from her basket whilst she was asleep ( not crying, not making a sound). She does what she wants without any questions asked and my missus doesn't say a thing. The MIL has even spent £300 of the £500 grant for the baby on her food shopping! To make matters worse I spoke to my partner about it all and she told me I'm being stupid. This woman is making me miserable and my partner doesn't seem to care. What do I do :(

I feel the same as all of you. Trying to make up my mind on what to do. My mother in law lives in another city but she lives alone and comes to visit. We had a baby 6 months ago and she is still living with us . i have los all patience and all we do IS fight. i find myslef going out a lot and i am thinking of moving out untill she leaves. I am out of options..help

Wow, Thank goodness I'm not the only one going through this MIL thing! I thought I was all alone... my wife is constantly connected to my MIL. I crunched the cell phone bill...

Sep 15, 2014 - Oct 14, 2014 = 170 calls for 388 minutes

Oct 15 2014 - Nov 14, 2014 = 259 calls for 726 minutes

Dec 15, 2014 - Dec 27, 2015 = 128 calls for 349 minutes and still had 19 days left in billing cycle.

keep in mind, this does not include:
1) calls to and from 13 year step-daughter
2)calls to and from my MIL and Step-daughter to my wife's SECOND PHONE!

my wife cannot function without her mother and she's raised the step-daughter the same way.

My wife too is completely attached to her mother and I'm about to leave. We've been married 14 years and have two kids. Basically, I was injured at my job and may have to retire early. I'll get a pension but it would be hard for us to make ends meet in the expensive area we live in. I'm trying to talk the wife into moving...she doesn't work...so we can live more comfortably and have more disposable income. I even offered to move her parents in with us in the new location...wife was considering it at first until she asked my mother in law...she made all kinds of comments that there would be no good doctors where we wanted to go and there would be all "hicks" there...now my wife is dead set against moving at all, anywhere...not if it entails being further from her mom. She says her parents are getting old and need the help...never mind that her sister lives 1 mile away from her mom...and the mil has a lot of other family nearby. Tonight she even accused me of being happy that her parents are getting old, and may not have much more time, because then I would get my wish and we could move...I would leave, no questions asked but don't want to be far from my kids...any advice/input would be much appreciated..I would love to hear what you think. Thanks for reading.

You have just the same crap as I ,when I was on holidays wife and I got along real well , I've been back at work for one week and mil has sunk her claws back into de 😞

Hi everyone, my experience is a little bit different, JUST a little.
I am a girl that has been on a relationship with a girl for longer than 2 and a half years.
My girlfriend used to live with her folks but moved into another state in order to go to university, so I met her there.
After a year of relationship she told her parents that she was in a relationship with me, after two days her mother moved to the state we live in and is controlling her.
She tells my girlfriend she may die soon (which won't happen soon since she is a healthy person) so my gf feels guilty and tries to be with her mother as much time as she can.
It's XMAS and I haven't seen her in two weeks already.

This is killing me, I don't feel apreciated by her and I also feel like an object, like a purse she can take in when she is not with her mother.

I feel you guys, and I really hope there could be a thing we can do. I think the problem is the MIL, the might be over protective and also they make our wifes/gf feel guilty. Is there something we can do? Is there someone that has managed to overcome our problem? HOW?

Hey

I read your post and it made me feel a lot better knowing I.m not the only one With this problem.

My wife is an only child and never knew her dad who left when she was a baby. We'VE BEEN MARRIED 10 years but the last 5 have been awful. My wife sleeps all day every weekend then gets dressed up to go to her mum's at exactly 5.45pm every sat and sun. This routine is never varied unless her mum agrees eg if I want us to go out together this will not be allowed.

We never go anywhere together but when mum rings she jumps to attention. My wife will not go on holiday and is obsessed with looking after her collection of pets

Her mother is very controlling and manipulative and I just feel completely isolated and very depressed. I can,t see any solution other than a divorce.

Like the lyrics from the song by talking heads I keep asking "how did I get here?"...

I hope sharing this sad tale brings some relief to others in a similar predicament

Nice to see I am not the only one that feels like Fred Flintstone everytime my MIL is around. In my case it has gotten so bad that I have become totally depressed.

I met my wife when I was 20 years old. We were both young and just having fun. But then my wife's father got sick and past away. At that time, we had been together for about 8 months. I didn't know if I actually loved her. Sure we had fun and got along but the passion was cut short with this terrible event.
Almost instantly, I became the man of the house for my MIL. Using guilt and emotional manipulation to get what she wants out of me. To be honest, I always found my MIL to be superficial and a real control freak. But coming from a european background, I had to man up and help out in any way I can. But MIL has never respected me. When I was in school trying to get a degree in film studies she would always bring me pamphlets for plumbing and construction schools. I knew she did not approve of my career choice and that she worried about her daughters future with me. Today, I have a good career in my Field of studies, guess my MIL was wrong about me being a bum.

My wife and my MIL have never considered me in the past 11 years. Everytime I would oppose a decision they have made I would end up in a fight with my wife and they would eventually guilt me into getting what they want.

A few important examples. I wanted to run off with my wife to get married in Vegas. My family was totally against the idea but I explained to them that my wife and I wanted a wedding in the middle of the desert with nobody around. We left and got married. But when we got back, my MIL didn't approve of this wedding and ended up organizing her picture perfect wedding with my wife. I had no say in any of it. I was told the week before where this event was taking place. I am surprised they even thought of inviting me.
When it came time to buy a house, my opinion did not count. My MIL and wife found a place right next to where my in law lives. I tried to find other homes where my wife and I could live but my MIL always put down my ideas and finally convinced my wife that a home next to my MIL is the best place in the entire city to live. There are many other occasions where my MIL and wife decided things without my consent or knowing. Always using the same excuse "I don't have anyone else but my mother in my life." I guess I don't count. I stood by my wife for 11 years now amd live in a home I never wanted, living a life I where I have not decided anything. Since my son is born, I have decided to put an end to this dynamic. We fought and fought and after years of being pushed aside so my wife can live a happy life with her mother I have gotten myself sick. I know my wife loves me, I do to but being in third place isn't a great feeling when you have always put your wife first and everybody else second. In my wife's mind, our son comes first, her mother is second and I am in third place. That hurts terribly. The past year I have been very depressed and ended up with medication and couples therapy. I have brought up the unhealthy relationship my MIL has with my wife but since I have been diagnosed with depression, everyone thinks that I am the problem. My wife now thinks that my retaliation comes from my sickness and that in time the meds will kick in and she can go back to plan her future with her mom. I feel like a purse, an accessory that my wife carries around to show the world how perfect her life is. We are in counseling now, if things do not change, I will have to leave because this neglect has pushed me into a dark place. The therapist asked me what I wanted in life, I did not know what to answer. As shocking or sad or pitiful as it may be, that question is hard for me to answer. I mean, how can I know what I want in life? Nobody ever asked me that before. I really wanted to answer that she should ask that question to my wife and MIL instead of me.

So this is my advice, if you are beginning a relationship or are in the early stages of one, set your in law boundaries. The couple should always be the priority. It is the foundation of your family life in your own home. Everyone else is secondary. Sure in laws should be in your life, but never at the expense of your partners happiness.

Anyways... I have a long road ahead of me to try and get better and try to save my marriage. If therapy does not work. I will have to leave because this family dynamic is destroying me. I honestly believe that my MIL destroyed me and my marriage by wanting to control my wife and I.

Best of luck to you all.

Hey jssk22. I feel like you are me... I am going through the exact same thing as you have mentioned but the only difference is I am married for less than a year. I am already in depression and I can't sleep for more than 2 hrs every night. I started having medical problems like you and I doubt myself now. I started asking myself, Is something wrong with me?. As every couple, my marriage life was started fantastically, but things were taking left turn after a month. My MIL is in a different country and she started calling her all the time. Initially, I was not worried, as I thought that her daughter has traveled from her home country and her mom was worried. I thought her mom will be ok after sometime, but she started to involve in all the personal matters between us. Eventhough she doesn't mistreat me directly, she knows everything what is happening between us. I cant talk anything personally to my wife, because next day my MIL will know about the conversation. I even discussed this with my wife many times that I dont like her sharing everything and she will agree for a day and next day it will be back to square one. Only then I realized the problem is not with my wife but with her mom. I am from a country, where we give respect to elders, no matter who they are and we don't talk about divorce. I am not sure how to talk to her mom.. Will her mom understand me? Will my wife take revenge on my mom (she is staying with me), for talking to her mom like that? Will she ask me to stop talking to my mom (which I already did - because my wife listens to our conversation and tells her mom the next day). There is no privacy in my life. I wont be able to type everything what I am facing in my life, as it will take atleast a week and no one is going to read my biggest post :)
I lost my dad when I was a teenager and I was worried for few days about my life, but I started living on my own from that day. I had many rough days in my life, but I handled every situation with ease. After marriage, I am not the same person. I started losing confidence on me, which I building slowly, since my dad was gone. I started crying like a kid at night. My career life and productivity is going down. I am really not able to concentrate on my career, when my mind is full of thoughts about my wife. I dont want to be whining about this issue to my mom or relatives, as I will be like a dump adult in front of them, thinking like why cant i handle this issue. The people on my side, believes in me, that I can handle any situation. I stopped talking to my wife and she is crying the same to her mom. I feel like I am in hell.
I always feel that marriage is not a JOB, where if you dont like it, just move on (or) if you find a better job, move on. Marriage and Job are not same.
Eventhough I didnt share my complete life in this post, what advice would you give me to get back my life?

Hi there,
Firstly, I was brought up in a way that we respect our elders too. But there is a way to talk about this without being disrespectful. You need to have a talk with your wife. You must ask her what are her priorities amd where do you stand amongst them. My marriage is on the rocks because I staid silent. I played a role, I faked it. Now, my life is quite the mess. You must also talk to you MIL and tell her that although you care and respect her, she must let you guys live your life. My wife is all screwed up because of her mother. She went from careless and easy going to an absolute control freak that is dependant of her mother. I wish I could give you an easy answer. But what it comes down to is your wife must decide. Does she want a life with you or does she want a life with her mother. Of course, everyone loves their parents but sometimes our parents can destroy our marriages. Would your wife enjoy that you talk about very personal things with your friends?

If you do not have children yet, you must ask yourself this. "If your MIL is more important to your wife than you are, are you willing to leave?" Life is short, very short. I am 31 and if things do not change, i will have to leave my family behind before it kills me. I got myself sick over the years because I was brushed aside for so long. I love my wife and my son, but that does not mean the life I have is happy.

You have to keep bringing up the subject. Get councelling if you can. Your happiness should be more important to your wife than you MIL. Trust me on this.... I have let this go for far too long.

Take care of yourself

Hi jssk22, what if you DO know you are not her priority but she is yours? It hurts like hell, but it would hurt more to let her go, wouldn't it?

Hey,

I thought this happens only in our Indian Society. I am a part of the arranged marriage set up which is prevalent in our country. I am married for almost 2 years now but my wife and MIL talks everyday for god knows how many times a day. It is not that she talks against me or is manipulative, but i feel that my wife is not making efforts to be equally communicative with my mother. We are a joint family and my parents, brother and his wife stays with us under one roof.

On the face of it, my MIL is very nice and seems to be just lending her hand to guide my wife, and pretends that my wife doesn't talk to her for days, but she is simply not letting go of my wife to let her live her own life and creates her own identity in her house. I have tried to talk to her, but the counter attack is thrown at me by saying that as I am close to my mother, she is to hers! but my issue is that the her communication level should be more with my mother since it is us who are living under one roof.

The atmosphere is getting little tense at our place and it is leading to an unwanted situation and creating insecurities in mind of my mother!

OMG That is is the exact story of my previous marriage! I was married for 4 years, dont know why I held out for so long. She did all of the above (extremely short tempered, selfish, immature and rude to my folks) and threatened to kill herself if I ever left her.
And THEN as a stroke of luck I found out she had been cheating on me BIGTIME ! :D Her lover's wife found out and told me everything. (We were family friends!)
That was it ! That was my 'Get out of Jail free' card.
That was the very day I separated from her and within months we were divorced.
Now I am happily married again to a wonderful person.

In short - dude - just divorce her and get a life!

Been in the same boat as you were. But she told me cheated on me, I let her go. She has married to another man now. Slept with 3 more after me. I am all alone... BUT I AM HAPPY!!! :)

Add a response...

I feel you on this, my wife does pretty much everything and anything on big days (bdays, anniversary, etc...) Always has to be with her parents. I understand that she loves them very much, as do I but there is not us. I don't want this to split over this stupid reason but it truly feels as if they're more important then us as a family.

I know exactly how you feel. Though I am not married, I have been dating the love of my life for almost 3 years. The main reason I second guess marriage is the same problem you have. Whenever I have to choose between her or my family I almost always chose her. She never had to think. ALWAYS hers. I have reached my breaking point. I can't handle much more. She can tell I'm not happy. But she won't change

I just typed in "my husband is still attached to his mothers umbilical cord" and THIS popped up!! and I swear as God as my witness I know exactly what you are talking about! I got married VERY YOUNG BOY I didn't have a clue what I was in for! I now have 5 children, 12, 10, 7, 6, and 5 and my HUSBAND is STILL attached to his mothers cord and to makes matters worse she is 'grooming' my children, whilst he sits back and lets her. YES she is always in pain, always broke, always hurt, always suffering, had the worst life ever, blah blah and bloody blah! I lived with her for several looooong years (felt like a century), when i moved out (not far enough!) she ended up with her own key to my house. She literally lives around the corner and was always HERE. I had to park my car 3 streets away so she wouldn't come in if she saw that my car wasn't in the drive way yet she still would! she walked in at 6am, 11pm, 3am, whenever! i had an almighty fight with my husband and never chatted to her since. Hubby still takes kids near every day to see her, she still stirs trouble and lies to her son so that he would fight with me so she can feel better, she loves the power trip it gives her so every fortnight stirs the pot. My husband refuses to see. she is very conniving and extremely devious and manipulative. she is so clever at it all that it still shocks me! I have so much to say but what is the point, you get the jist! and she is only 50 with 'made up' illnesses when in reality she is as healthy as an athlete! she takes so good care of herself, outwards and inwards. she refrains from junk food, dairy and wheat. Eats all the right food in proportion. Did i mention she is scared of death so therefore even goes to the gym and does aerobics... yet she is 'ill' and 'broke' all the time.

I've been looking all over for this type of post. I'm having the same problem; my wife thinks mommy knows best. My MIL has accused me of stealing, lying and cheating on my wife. Not enough space to get into it now, but she has also threatened to take my daughter away from me (my wife's family is Bolivian). Granted, our daughter was born in the US, and it would be very difficult to do, but my wife is part of the upper classes in Bolivia, which means there's not only a cultural difference but a class difference (I'm a staunchly unionized member of the American Working class)... and she can manipulate the situation from there.

My wife and I are now attending counseling, but I have not much faith in it, mostly due to the idea my wife has her mind made up. I have taken this abuse for about three years-even since before we were married. There is always a problem; from the way I parent, to the way I wake up in the morning. Keep in mind, I have actually waited for my wife and child to return from Bolivia for an extended period of time (two weeks). When she and the baby return, guess who's in-tow? Yup, you guessed it. So, not only do I have to deal with the territorial pissings of my mother in law, but I also have to deal with the fact of missing my child and the family I'm building. Every time my wife opens her mouth, I hear her mother. I used to hear her... in the beginning.

My family sponsored my wife to stay in this country. I worked my *** off to make everything legitimate, and she and her family shot it all down; and now we have a child which means they would rather raise her with classist (anti-worker) and racist standards (because the upper classes there hate folks identified with the indigenous population).

What I would propose is a blog which focuses simply on how in-laws foist their morality, opinion, money and action on couples. Fathers-in-law can be very much the same, so mentioning them as well would be a propos. Please contact me if anyone is interested here.

i had posted about a year back about my mil,she poisoned my wife's mind against me.she constantly kept telling my wife that i am earning less and my wife fell for it, now she is leaving me to set up a clinic in her mothers place,she is a dentist.i asked her to stay with ,and me i was making enough money for both of us.my mil took a promise from my wife six months back that she should setup a clinic in her place and i would follow,i would rather be alone than live anywhere near that manipulative biitch .in reality my father in law who is a bank manager is having an affair with a women who is working in his bank,the women's age is equal to my wife's age.now she is transferred to an other place,and she wants my fil to go there,he got caught by my mil after she went through his phone messages.she wants him to construct a clinic for my wife,now that he is going to retire in one month,her idea is to keep him busy with the clinic and keep him away from that women,if u have heard about collateral damage, it has happened to me.my wife is in a situation where she can not say no her, i asked my wife to let her mother take care of her own shiit.,she[my wife] is angry aboutit, and she won't do anything about it,my mil expected me to shift ba<x>se.fat chance that,i would rather live alone then stay with that manipultive biiitch's house.,i hope to get even with her someday.i will u posted guys,wish me luck.

You're telling me. I'd like to apologize in advance for a long response and for any foul language in this response. My wife (who I've been married to for 3 years now) has the same mentality that her mom knows best. My MIL thinks the world is coming to an end and she's even giving specific days on when it's suppose to happen. She's trying to tell me to get out of the union because I'm gonna supposedly be forced to get a computer chip (mark of the beast) em<x>bedded in my wrist. She tells my wife to pull all our cash out of the bank and stash it. I open up an investment account and start trading stocks. Within the first month I made a $500 profit. Not too long after that, MIL finds out about me trading stocks, she yells at my wife telling her to tell me to pull all that money out. I pull out the money and give it to my wife to keep the peace with her and her family. But I'm giving it time, as soon as the time passes and nothing happens (with the world ending and government conspiracies), I'm putting that money back and trading stocks. This ain't the first time my in laws told me what to do with my money. Another time is when I had a work truck that was perfect for my trade, I'm an ironworker and I do side ironworking jobs for extra income. The truck I had was an F-350 crew cab 4x4 powerstroke (7.3 not 6.0 or 6.4). That thing would pull weight that you wouldn't believe. And I was able to play in the mud with it. And with it being a crew cab, I was able to bring more people with me when I'd go to the beach or up to the mountains or etc. But what do my in laws have to do with the F-350?, well, they saw it as a loud money sucking gas guzzling too big of a truck and that I needed something smaller. They don't yell and complain to me, no no, they yell and complain to my wife. Everyday they'd ***** about the truck, they'd either call or come over, and my wife would talk to me about it at the end of the day after I came home. One day I came home early from work and my in laws were over. They start telling me that I should get rid of the truck and put the money away and I told them, "listen, I'm putting more money away than what I'm spending, I work for my money, I pay my dues, I provide, and you know what, I like my powerstroke, I've had it for 4 years now, I bought 2 1/2 years before I met your daughter, it gets 20-25 mpg and that's excellent for a truck that size and it barely has 200,000 miles on it, that's hardly breaking in a diesel and the fact that it's a diesel, it still has a lot of life left in it and it's an excellent truck for those side jobs I do." They argue, "That truck doesn't get more than 10 mpg, it's too big, it's too loud, you're constantly fixing it, you're wasting your money on it, GET RID OF IT!" I asked them to leave. Then a month passed and their still bitching about it. Finally my wife sat down with me and convinced me to sell the truck for peace with her family. So I sold the truck. And now I'm stuck driving a piece of $h!t Toyota with a 4 cylinder gas motor, single cab, 2wd. That thing gets the same mpg as my powerstroke. But it's gutless and now I can't do those side jobs anymore because the Toyota gets stuck on the account that I had to drive though mud half the time to get to the job. Powerstroke had no problem with mud with it having a lift and 4wd. I even played in the mud with my powerstroke. So I sold the powerstroke and the money is now stashed under my mattress. So now the only option left to convince my wife (that her parents are full of $h!t and they're just trying to control us) is to give it time. She said to wait til January 2015. I agreed, and I told her that if nothing happens by Jan 2015, then all the money goes back in the bank, we buy another powerstroke, and I start trading stocks again. I also promised her that if she listens to her parents again after the time has passed, the one of two things will happen, she will either lose contact with her parents or we go our own separate ways because I'm sick and tired of having to miss out on things and having to lose things that benefit me. I'm sick and tired of being held back from moving forward. I'm still in the union, MIL hasn't been able to convince to leave the union. Today is March 20, 2014, I still have a little over 9 months. I'm 25 years old, I still got time to live up to my goals and dreams. Again, I apologize for the very long response and for the foul language. But yeah, I hear you, I think you should tell your MIL to back off and sit down and talk to your wife and try to convince her to stand up to her mom.

I hear us bro. I feel like I was reading what's on my mind. I am suffering the same dynamic. I have never seen anything that disgusts me quite this bad.

You and me are singing from the same hymn sheet. My wife does whatever my MIL asks her to do, its driving me crazy. The MIL is the cause of all the problems in our marriage.

When my wife leaves work she will pop into see the MIL and ends up staying there for an hour or two, and as if that's not bad enough, when she gets home you can bet you bottom dollar that the MIL will ring up to speak to my wife. I mean isn't seeing my wife for a couple of hours after work enough for the MIL? and she wont just ring up once, she rings up at least five or six times the same day and the phone calls last for 30 mins or more each time! Even though her son lives closer to her than us she always gets my wife to do her running around for her, and my wife never says no. If i ask my wife to give me a lift somewhere or do something for me, 9 times out of 10 she will say no, but when the MIL asks her its "Yes mother, i'll be there". This is driving me absolutely mad!

I really am losing patience with my wife and am starting to fall out-of-love with her. She just cant see what the MIL is doing to our marriage. I have spoken to her about it but she just shouts and argues with me saying its my mum and i'll do anything for her. We have been married for 12 yrs and have two kids which, to be honest, has kept me in the marriage, or i would have walked out long ago. She seems to bend over backwards to help all members of 'HER' family but not me, 'HER HUSBAND', not only that she is abusive and rude to my mum and family members. I said to her 'you didn't need a husband, your mother is enough for you. You should have married her', That didn't go down well i can tell you.

To top all this off she doesn't do anything around the house, no dusting, gardening, cleaning, nothing, maybe wash clothes and dishes now and then, but that's about it. I do all the house work but now I've taken a stand. I've stopped doing the housework and I've just let the mess pile up in order to shock her into taking action, but it hasn't worked, she'd rather spend that time with the ******* ***** MIL. I am on a knife edge. I am seriously considering walking out and then eventually filing for divorce. My kids are the only worry for me, nothing else. If i could take them with me i would. Then my wife can spend all the time with the MIL that she wants.

Sorry about the long rant but i had to get it off my chest. Please any advice would be helpful. What should i do? It's like i'm living a nightmare and there's no way out of it. The MIL has ruined and continues to ruin what slight glimmer of hope there might be between me and my wife.

Please help....

There is a need for boundaries. Then again, you cannot cut her off from her mum. Imagine if she does the same to you.

I am living a worse kind of nightmare where my wife is staying with her mum and I am living alone, with no access to my kid. And she refuses to budge. Just decided to let her be if that is the kind of upbringing she wants for our kid. Won't be surprised if he grows up thinking he can be abused by women, and brings home a wife who does the same crap to torture him.

Guess you can also have some 'me time' with your own parents as well. I don't see how that is a problem. Enjoy your own life, shower kids with love, and try to tell them what is acceptable and what is not, and teach them to fight for their rights.

You cannot control her, but hope she realises her problems for such bad behaviour. If she cares for the kids, tell her nicely that she is showing the kids a very negative attitude towards the in-laws, and that she should expect the same sort of disrespect in future from the spouses of her own kids, because kids will always tend to emulate their parents. Also, if she wants her kids to have proper marriages with mutual respect, she has to learn to do it herself.

Put down some of the chores and shower her with some love. Maybe what is left is just a sense of duty, and she feels neglected at home. Get a babysitter, take her out to dinner and have nice conversations about life. Think of how it was a long time ago when both of you were in love.

I'm going through exactly the same dynamic. It's horrible and I can't take much more. I love my wife but the worst side of her is what she picked up from that *****. I can't trust them together because they will lie to the pope to save face in one of their ploys. My wife is simply obsessed with this black widows bullshit. I see through her because she is transparent. She cares about herself and needs to get a **** ing life and stay out of ours. The best advice I can give you is to keep hanging on to your self control so you don't off the *****. There will have to come an opportunity to get rid of her because it's sick not healthy what they call a relationship. I could go on and on but you are feeling my pain.

The MIL is controlling and not allowing you to live a married life the way it should be…..I feel for you. Has it improved since your post? Are you still with your wife and if so, have compromises been made?…..As for me, I'm not married but my partner's mum rings up once every day, at say 5pm which annoys me because my daughter says her mum doesn't have anyone else who cares to ring her, including her other daughters….My thing is that it's an every single day thing - once per day and I feel it's a form of control where my partner and her mother will always feel this obligation as they are conditioned to always talk once per day, every day…..I see this as unhealthy dependency….what do you all think?

I feel bad for all of you.. My wife and I have been married for 2 years now. In the beginning things seemed to be heading in the direction that it has for all of you. One day I told my wife That I am no longer putting up with the crap anymore.. I told her that her mom is controlling and manipulating, I let her know that I wont put up with it at all. (we had only been married about 2 months at this time) I told her that if she didnt cut the ties I would be gone by morning.. That night her and I moved out of our place and into another one about 2 weeks later.. we struggled for about 2 weeks but now that her mom is out of the picture our marriage is stronger than it ever could have been. we havent seen her mom in almost 2 years now. And like is said that if I hadnt of did what I did in the very beginning I never would have been able to separate them. Now that her and I have had all this time to grow closer and closer with out all the interuption and control from her mom there is nothing that could take her away from me now. and she is 9 months pregnant.... She relies on me more than she ever did her mother and she loves me for loving her enough to save our marriage before she had a chance to ruin it!! to this day her mother doesnt know where we live or even that we have a baby on the way. as a matter a fact most of her family doesnt know where we are or what we do.. my point is that you all need to do something in the beginning when she trusts you and knows that you are only doing what is best.. the rest is history.. Worked for me.. Just need to get your balls out of your MILs purse and take charge of the situation.

I believe the one that is controlling and manipulating is you. I feel sorry for your wife and your future children taking away from them their grandmother the woman that gave birth to your wife and that with out her your wife would not be born. I hope that you are doing the same thing to your mother not talking to her for years,that she do not know were you live and never get the chance to know her grandchildren. It is only fare. I hope your children do the same thing to you went they get married and have children not to include you in anything to do as you were dead maybe the way you could see your self for who you really are a monster.

Disagree. To have a normal, fulfilling marriage, sometimes we need to set boundaries and remove toxic influences from our lives. Can understand perfectly where he is coming from.

Oh my goodness I just want to cry reading this. I am the wife and I have been married for 23 years. My husband as allowed so much crap from my inlaws into our family and have felt so alone and betrayed by him. Never would if guessed that a man could be going thru this also and feel just I do. So sorry you have inlaws like I do ... I hate my life. 5 kids later and I live a very controlled life from him and his parents. I wish there was a easy way out. 23 years and it gets no better. !!!! Get out while you can or you will be me one day :(

my mother in law is evil plain and simple. i hate that ******* *****. i will now have to go therapy to recover

I don't Think you should do that. Will you be happy if you leave your Wife, A hubby can be happy without wife but a Father cannot leave his Childrens Mom & try to be happy. Even My MOM has bought me up as a single Mother, & Iam Proud that my Hubby takes care of her as her own mom & We live together On the Same floor Though in different Flats 1 appt is of his parents 1 of ours & 1 of my MOM. We are happy if not your wife who else will tc of her. Even I hated My MIL but my hubby made me Understand the value of Parents & their Importance We cannot leave them when they need us. So please dont do that stupid thing Please may b cz loving u & failing 2 express may b fear that c says u that ur d nly 1 c luvs u may not like cz helping her mom &all jus tak 2her in d manner that it wont hurt her or if not speak to ur MIL surely c musnt want to be an obstacle between u 2

Thanks for this article. This happened to me and very much struck a cord as I read it. We were married for a year, but the mom was constantly manipulating my wife about how broke and unhappy she was until we began giving her money and taking her on trips. Then my wife told me that she was going to move in with us. I had enough. I loved my wife, but I felt like my wife was constantly putting my MIL's happiness before my own. I couldn't deal with it, talked to my wife about how unhappy I was, but she insisted that I was selfish and an ******* for not wanting to do things for her mom. I could see myself ten, fifteen, even twenty years from now living for her mom. Stuck with her till the day she died. I couldn't accept that. So I filed for divorce. My wife was sad, but she didn't say she would change. She never begged to work things out about her mom. Her mindset is still the same. I'm sad for now because I love her, but I know that I avoided a lifetime of sadness. I will find happiness again someday. I still have hope.

I need help desperately before i lose my wife.

Im a strong minded guy and posting on here is not me, but im at a dead end and have no one to speak to for advice.

My wife and MIL are best freinds she spends 5 days out of the week with her they do everything together and even when shes at home shes either on face book or the phone to her.

She dosnt anymore but did stay alot of time at are house and i would be asked to give up my spot in me and our wifes bed for her to sleep in, whilst i took the couch or in with one of the kids.

This has since stopped due to argueing over and over with he wife about it.

The MIL is a total bossy controlling women who makes all the decisions in what ever social group shes in.

The wife will not tell her NO to anything even when she dosnt want to do a certain thing she will go along and do it for fear of upsetting her Mum.

Her husband who has had a break down is a shadow of a man he used to be and basically sits to her command.

With out being cruel theres not many of his family members ive spoken to that have a good word to say about her.

The MIL is suffercating our relation ship and for years now ive just gone along with it as speaking to the wife about it is us a no no.

Ive tried so hard to prise my wife of 6 yrs away from her mother but it never works, we just argue and then we both suffer.

On certain occasions or after bad events the wife will say she will lay off, but within a few days we are back to the start.

The MIL and a few other family members have drove my wife to breaking point to the point where she has thought about killing her self and has been to A and E and now attends therapy.

Ive been trying to support her through all this, the arguement was bettween them not likeing me and talking about me to one another in bad tense.

I do not know why she dosnt like me as ive neglected my own family to do for hers.
Many freinds and family say its jelousy of me and the wife does spend far far to much time with her mum.

The wife is only happy when shes with her Mum and even after all the bad words they said about me she has gone back to them again.

Im surposed to just carry on and be the out sider in this family, when ive bent over backwards for her family and they treat me like this.

I litrally hate her with a passion and the wife this time has not asked me to make freinds for her sake as she knows i will not.

Butt i feel deeply betrayed that she can go back and carry on with her like nothing has happened after the way they spoken and think about me.

Basically they have won they got me out the picture and can now dig there claws into my wife and kids while i sit at home alone.

Im to scared to speak to her or ask her to chose between us as i feel i will lose, and i cannot lose my wife and kids even if it means living as second best and a depressed mess my whole life.

Its very hard for me as my mother left my father and they got devorced in a very bad way and its scared me all my life, i swore i would never put my kids through that EVER and i would rather rot in missery till they was older than see them suffer.

Now i sit and cry alone as i feel abit better after i have let it out abit as i tend to keep it all in.


Please help me...... im desperate man who loves his wife and kids dearly and im about to lose em throught no fault of my own plz plz plz i need of some advice and guidance. Danny

I know I'm very late and I hope that by now things are going a lot better in your marriage. If not, I think that you should consider divorcing your wife. I know that it may not be the answer or help that you want, but if in all these years that you guys have been married, things never changed or got better, then chances are it never will. I get that you don't want what had happened to your parents to happen to you, and that you don't want your children to suffer. But seriously, your kids will grow up, get away, get married and have a life of their own. What about you by then, you have suffered and be unhappy in your marriage. I totally understand that you love your wife and kids, but you also need to think for yourself a little bit. If you are not sane and happy in your marriage, you also won't be able to be there for your kids and be a good example for them. What kind of example are you giving to them by continuing to let your wife and your MIL treating you like this. Would you want this for your children? Would you want them to continue in a marriage where their feelings and opinion doesn't matter? Where their wife/husband and their in laws treats them like they treat you? No offense, but you will need to be a man an stand up for what you want. If you want to continue in your marriage, then you will have to set some boundaries and if not, then you will have to walk out. You don't have to be in a marriage to take care of your children. Especially a bad one. You leaving your wife will not make you a bad father. Your wife clearly does not love and respect you enough to give you your place. My parents are divorced. It was not a happy marriage. In the end I was happy that they separated because they were much happier apart. And my father was always in my life and took care of me and my brother. So you can continue to be a father for your children if you decide that divorce is a option. If not, then you are going to have to put up with this for the rest of your life.

I am in the same kind of boat. My wife is like a lamb in front of her mom and listens quietly when her mom is hurling abuses on me and my family. I have a 10 month old and it was for her sake that I had to keep quiet. Background is that my wife is not even living with me, reason: her mom would not let her go and be with her husband. The last time I brought up the topic of divorce my wife started crying. It was a pure emotional blackmail and that too in front of the baby. And something in the back of my head stops me from filing a divorce because by doing so there is only one loser : The baby. MIL is too rich to give a damn about anyone or anything else. I am really in a fix here.Any helpful words appreciated..!

Gents, take a stand! Doing the right thing is always better than allowing abuse to continue. Consider this, you were already an adult when you met and married your wife, yet you are struggling with the tension of your wife being pulled away by her mother. Imagine what this will do to the poor little children born into this stressful situation. It will leave them insecure and unsure of themselves to say the least. The most important thing you can give your child is for YOU to have a solid relationship with their mother. It is on this solid foundation that they build their lives. Do not feel afraid or guilty. Sepatate your wife from her mother, not because you hate your MIL but because you love your wife and want the BEST for her and your children who also happen to be your MIL's child and grandchildren. Knowing the true reason why the relationship of bondage that exsists between MIL and wife must be broken frees all parties to do the right thing. I strongly encourage you to exclude hate from the equation, arm yourself with clear selfless reasons and then firmly but lovingly claim back your family. Don't wait till your 35 year old children tell you what you should have done - then it will be too late.

I really feel your pain and what you are saying. Me and my wife have been married only six months and to top it all off, we are temp living at the mil house-what a nightmare. I have also spoken to my wife about this as well because I feel that she tells too much of our business to the mil. I never run to my mom about our relationship cause its not her business and I handle it on my own, but again I believe that my mil has a curse or something over my wife and manipulates as much as she possibly can cause she is freshly out of a relationship of six years and it didn't work out, sonshenfeels the need to ruin ours. With this new year being a day away, I have decided to give my wife one last request to stop it or I may have to leave this marriage cause I am not happy with the way its going right now. I love her but I can't take it anymore!!!!!

is the only answer

my mil on surface is very nice,but she is very artificial and a scheming women.when my mil is not in picture, there's no problems b/n me and my wife,let my mil visit for a day ,my wife's behaviour changes dramitically,i really don't understand why she is behaving thus she is slowly but surely driving wedge b/n me and my wife,i am at my wits end,i think big D

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and she goes to her mother house after work stay over ther til 12midnight and tell me time flew by she have been doing this for five years. I love my wife. I have talked to her about this she said she loves her mother every body loves there mother and would do any thing for there mother. Her mother is retired with no man but need my wife to run her around this is bulls*t. My wife take here mother to the stor when she get of of work and her mom been home all day doing nothing and she has a car to go any place she likes but will call my wife with some sob story then my wife give in I wonder some time is she married to me or her mother,My wife does not clean the house or wash clothes or cook any more this BS is killing me might have to do the big D

I just got a divorce for the same things going on in my life. Been divorced for almost 2 months. Been separated for 8 months. Let me tell you it's the best thing that has happened to me!! I loved my ex wife dearly, I really did, but after 7 years of that BS and rarely seeing my ex, I can honestly say I barely remember her. Time heals all wounds.

And yet you let this controlling manipulative woman watch your children even after seeing what she helped turn your wife into. Her next step , If you protest all this will be to begin to turn your children against you. And then get you out of their lives. FGS pay someone else very well to take care of your children and cut at least half the cord.

Im speaking from experience. You will be happie alone. Living with a controllng mother will destroy you anywY. In her eyes and eventually in your wife's eyes also, you will work too much and not make enough money, you will never ever ever live up to a controlling MIL. Its that simple. So get out

My soon to be MIL is a ******* ****

My soon to be MIL is a ******* ****!!!! Insane, ignorant and rude, she likes to fake being generous to me, then tell me how I will owe her later! **** off I say! My soon to be wife is metally abused by this woman, it is ridiculous, I hate the situation and I really need to figure out if I can move forward with my fiancee'. At this point I'm really not sure I can and I do love this woman!!!

Only been married 10 months, and from the beggining her mom has been her closest friend. Drives me nuts cause most of our issues between me and my wife go through her mother first before I even hear about it. And sometimes I dont hear about it, communication is lacking from her I would say, that goes to say me asking if theres any issues and getting no response and that things are fine. There is nothing worse in a marriage then the mother in-law knowing most of our issues. Hate it hate it hate it, considering divorce if nothing improves

WOW. This is my life...... I feel so sorry for all you guys, but I am also glad to know that I am not the only one going through this misery. (thank God for the internet).... I just sent my wife of 8 months back to her precious,can do no wrong mother 2 weeks ago today, and am going foward with the divorce. Of course I do love my wife, but a little heartache now is better than a whole lot of heartache later if we were to drag this sick game on for another 8 months, or 8 years! I feel hatred towards my <br />
MIL and also my FIL(he is pretty bad too). But I keep reminding myself that it is not my MIL and FIL,no matter how sick and deceptive and controlling and manipulative they are. The responsibility for our marriage dissolving rests with my wife, because she didn't EVEN WANT to stop them from ruining our marriage and just put me first. Even though I tried to get her to for 8 months, and she promised me before we got married that she would not let them control her. By the way, my wife is mexican and someone told me that this sick problem is more prevalent in mexican people. Is this true?

About your mexi MIL don't bother theirs worse MILs try having a IRANIAN MIL she will put u in so much pain that u rather take a bullet in ur brain rather taking a wife that doesn't look @ you when her Persian Queen Mom arrives and make ur life a living nightmare and to think I sponsored my MIL to my Country so I can make my wife happy -Try having a MIL from Iran in ur home for 3yrs only to be put out of ur own home for 10 months I finally I put my balls together and went back home and made my MILs life like Hell -(Remember one thing I had my wife's sister and Father to as well as my MIL ) I was so nice and trusting and helpful towards they s Iranian In-laws only to be Terrorized by them and Im a Sicilian that takes no sh#t from any one Trust me u don't have the worse But in my Experience a Mexi MIL are 2nd in line its in there Gens to care for a Daughter just enough to call it quits

my mother in law is controlling and manipulative. i dont know how to fix this and i am considering a move to the other side of the country. she calls EVERY night at 7:30 exact. you could set your watch to it. then they talk for an hour or so. after that its bath and bed time. done. she shows up and cant leave without making their next set of plans to get together. this woman has gone so far as to celebrate six month birthdays. when she visits its for no less than an entire day. hell they even want to vacation together. this has been going on for over 10years. i love my son and would bear the weight of the world for him. so rather than leave i have gone to the doctor and had myself put on antidepressants. this is a lonely life...and i use to blame the m.i.l. but now i realize that my wife is just as much to blame for allowing it to happen.

OH hell yes your wife is more to blame for allowing this in your life Trust me your not going to win this one sorry pal

The cord can only be cut when when we are born. That's the only chance she had to cut it. Now you are just a sucker begging to be the primary relationship. I got divorced for this very reason. A marriage that is secondary relationship is not with saving. It's always the same story, MIL has separation anxiety from her children. You are not going to fix that.

I am in the same boat. My wife is completely attached to her mother. I cannot stand her mother! She is so annoying and so dysfunctional. I am thinking about moving. The stress of the entire situation is really making the marriage suffer.

very very common theme. i have come to the conclusion that its a control issue placed on the daughter by the mother &/or father from childhood so that the daughter feels she cannot do anything without factoring in how her parents feel. <br />
this applies to my situation anyhow - mainly driven by the MIL but the FIL is so downtrodden by the MIL that he supports this terribly destructive behaviour.<br />
<br />
so who is to blame? i spent years blaming the MIL - & finally got my wife to agree there was a problem, only then to find out that she hasn't/doesn't want to change the situation anyway. so i cannot be angry at the MIL anymore(i have no right to ask her to change, i am not married to her), it is my wife that has the power to remedy the situation but has decided to continue with her behaviour but be sneaky about it & hide it from me. <br />
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i can give many examples - although not as extreme as some of those previous, but none the less it is continued belittlement of our (once) bond as a couple - i think complaining about all the letdowns & examples doesnt help, either on here or directly to my wife, as they are still there affecting me day-in, day-out. <br />
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the only solution i can see, for the sake of my own sanity & so that my daughter doesnt see a father who despises her mother, is to leave and start afresh. i hate the idea of divorce but i hate even more the idea of still being in the same situation in another 10 years.<br />
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people - take stock of your own life - we only get one go at it so don't let 15/20/30 years go by being miserable & unhappy. if you are 2nd place after 2/5/8 or in my case 10 yrs, you always will be, chances are you were there to provide the children that make MIL so happy & thats it. <br />
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my hope is that others who read this will gain some clarity for thier own situation, thats all. take care of yourself.

this really sucks same thing going on here but what is it called must have a name ?

YA MILs from Hell

Heia<br />
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Hope you can help because I am at my absolute teather and can't face a life with my wife to be and mother in law.<br />
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My fiance is very close to her mother, like most girls. Unfortunately, not only is she close to her, her mother is her best friend. So not only do I contend with a mother in law, I contend with a mother in law who is a best friend.<br />
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She used to ring at all hours until I persuaded my wife to put a 9pm limit there so we can have our own time, but that is raw with them, and they my wife or MIL don’t like it and occassionally still rings her mobile at 10pm saying sorry it’s only a quick question<br />
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Generally her mother treats her like a 12 year old. Pulls her away from me to hug her, if we are sitting down she will pull my fiance to her and craddle her and kiss her head (We are both 26!!)<br />
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My fiance sees nothing wrong though and I am the bad guy for having a vendetta against her mother. I just want her to cut the cord a little and for her mother to let us live. my fiance speaks to her everyday and tells her everything that we do.<br />
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Her mother is very demanding of her attention and time, and tells her to cheer up if she goes to visit and isn't all happy and smiley. She has had a go at me for not being happy and I told her I am what I am, I won't change.<br />
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I am just petrified. I don't want to give in and let them rule the roost, but if I carry on I can't see us being able to carry on. <br />
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Her mother will organise new years eve in October to make sure we all attend, and I then get a row for suggesting we do something with our friends and not her family. her mother has already asked if she can be there when my wife gives birth(years off wanting a baby) and when I suggested that it should be our moment I had a row.<br />
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Please help me find a way to get my fiance to see what I am saying and to start our own lives and cut the cord. I say lets set boundaries but she doesn't want to and all I hear from them both is how good their bond is. My fiancee always feels sorry for her parents, and her parents put a lot on her. I'm petrified I will lose touch with my family and get dragged into hers especially when we do have kids. Please PLease please help, <br />
In the past she has taken a call from her mother in tesco for instance, and left me just standing there for 10mins, even after getting back from hols as I'm getting the bags she rings her mam, but she cannot see why this drives me mad. Today we arrived back from honeymoon, and when landing we texted both parents as we waited to get off the plane so say we had landed safely. It was 5.30am, and her mother rings her and my wife takes the call. I try and explain why this drives me insane but it's always barked back that I'm trying to ruin their relationship. Please please help, any ideas how I can get through this with my wife and MIL? Neither think they are doing anything wrong, it's just a healthy mother daughter relationship.<br />
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Everything is so dramatic and if it happens to them it’s x 10 worse than anyone else,<br />
Please any suggestions would be great

This sounds a lot like my situation, except for all the phone calls. We've been married for a few months now, together just over 4 years and my wife and mother in law are close.

It's more like a friendship than anything else and I think that makes it worse as there is very little room for respect of my wife from MIL. My BIL is also toxic and will verbally abuse my wife, through text messages or to her face. It makes me so cross and I've recently stood up for my wife and told her brother to back off. My wife suffers depression and always says her family were there for her. I can't abide it when they become the cause of it though.

The MIL hates it because she doesn't want outsiders perceiving her family to be dysfunctional -bit late for that I think - so she won't even tell her own husband what's going on. Very unhealthy. Right now we are effectively being told not to discuss any arguments as though we caused the issue when it is my BIL who should be sanctioned.

I hate it all. I just want us to do things ourselves, do more things with friends. Have lives of our own and not make arrangements with these ingrates. I can't see it getting any better, especially when the situation repeats itself routinely every 6 months or so.

It's all so predictable, that's the frustrating thing.

hiya,<br />
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I posted earlier this year about my wife's relationship with her mother and mother with my wife. In the past she has taken a call from her mother in tesco for instance, and left me just standing there for 10mins, even after getting back from hols as I'm getting the bags she rings her mam, but she cannot see why this drives me mad. Today we arrived back from honeymoon, and when landing we texted both parents as we waited to get off the plane so say we had landed safely. It was 5.30am, and her mother rings her and my wife takes the call. I try and explain why this drives me insane but it's always barked back that I'm trying to ruin their relationship. Please please help, any ideas how I can get through this with my wife and MIL? Neither think they are doing anything wrong, it's just a healthy mother daughter relationship.

My MIL has always been the bone of contention between my wife and me. Now I feel like she is trying to come between my daughter and I . Sometimes I feel my 3 yr old loves her nan more than me. Am I being patanoid?

I hate my mother in-law myself. She is a controlling B*****. Alot of these stories sound like i am reading my own life. It's sad to see a man and woman who have a great relationsip get divorced or argue constantly ba<x>sed on your wife's own mother. I agree, MIL is always pulling the sympathy card. My MIL is the most sneaky, convincing, self rightious, lack of a lady that I know. My wife is 36 years old, married for 8 years but been together for 20 years and we are about to have our second child. We were high school sweet-hearts and it seems that my wife can't live without this woman. Over time i've started mentioning certain things that bothers me regarding her mother and the CONSTANT contact that she feels she needs to have with her mother, it changes for a few days and then goes back to the way things were. I cought my wife literally whispering in closets and bathrooms to sneak a qucik conversation with her mother. Then I get the lie "i was checking my voice mail" or "I was speaking to one of my friends". Little did she know that i was listening to the convo for about 10 mins before I let on that I was there. I've seen and heard my wife lie about taking a day off from work and actually hide her car so her mom doesnt see it. My wife says "I dont want to hear my mom's comments or opinions about me taking a day off"....Like she is in grade school cutting a class or something. I also heard my wife lie to her mom regarding going out to a restaurant. My wife states "I dont want my mom to get mad that we didnt invite her" or "I dont want her to say anything about spending money. I cant believe that someone in there mid-30's with kids would let there mother control her like that. It gets me sick to my stomach of the past 5 years and I really cant take it anymore. This is changing me and my view about everything. I devoted 20 years of my life to a woman who puts me and our kids second. It's always been about her mother for years and it didnt really affect me until we got married and had kids. At times I feel like divorce is the only solution. But I am thinking about counseling first. I love my wife and kids and would do anything for them but I am not getting the privacy nor respect from my MIL which is little by little destroying our marriage. My wife understands that but does nothing about it. She doesnt even know how to approach the topic with her mother. I know at times she "claims" she had talks with her mother but I really think she hasnt or if she did say something it wasnt put in a way of making her mother realize what we need as a couple.

Wow! I don't feel so alone with this situation. My wife talks to her mother everyday. She tells her everything and seems to be in such a great mood when speaking with her. When talking to me it seems as if its a chore. I wonder if she gives so much to her mother it leaves nothing left for me. When my wife and I get into a fight we take cheap shots and say things we don't mean. She has called her mom during our fights on several different occasions to fill her in on the things I have said in the heat of the moment. When we go on vacation she has to call her parens when she leaves, and when she arrives at the destination. My wife also sends text messages in between. Just recently we went to cancun for a romantic getaway. We both agreed to spend quality time together and focus on one another. As soon as we get there I expect we are going to enjoy the beautiful room we got. Oh know she had to call her parents. She got agitated when the calling card she bought didnt work. So of course I feel rejected and distant. After she finallly got to call them she promised not to use the phone. Well let me tell you how that went. My wife found every reason possible to go up to the room so she could secretly text. To me that's insane. We were in Cancun!!! I forgot to mention we are both in are 30's, and both women. I am close to my parents, but they understand and respect our time together. Now her mother sent me an email saying we are two different people with different families, and love shouldn't be enough to keep us together. When I showed my wife the email she said what do you want me to do about it, I didn't write it. Is it me?? or does she not get it? Oh yea she is also extremely close to her brother. When they lived together she made his bed and did his laundry. He is in his 20's. I love my brother but I dont feel the need to take care of him and talk to him everyday.

wow<br />
<br />
i feel like i have the same problem<br />
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my wife's mother seems to be a looming influence. when my wife first came to live with me and she had one busy day in her first week living with me (the girl started a new job and was under stress) and did not call my MIL, the damn woman stopped speaking to my wife and refused to answer her calls. I thought the whole situation spectacular, I could not believe it !!!<br />
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To me that was very significant because my MIL gave my wife an ultimatum early up - either keep MIL as No 1 or go on with your husband and forget about me....that was hugely unfair to my wife....I Since then.....I feel like my wife and I could never charter our way forward as partners because my mother in law is more concerned with getting things the way that she wants it....<br />
<br />
my wife was recently pregnant and lost the baby and since then , my MIL is more keen than ever, realizing that grand children could be on the way.... to have us live close to her never mind that they live really far from the city where we work....<br />
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now my wife supports that kind of stupidity.......taking MIL's side....<br />
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now there is no way I am gonna try for children because then I am ******......i also feel that i can't ask my wife to make that kind of choice between her MIL and me....I feel like I am staring at a brick wall...of course my wife doesn't see the problem....<br />
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i think i am in really big trouble....and the ****** up thing about it all is that my wife is pretty amazing otherwise.....

Hello!<br />
<br />
I am relieved to hear that I'm not the only one going through this but saddened that you all are experiencing this. My story is the same as yours. My wife family calls total around 8 - 12x a day. Mother, sisters, etc.. Ridiculous. I think they feel that they all know that it irritates me. My wife knows this and I am sure she has told her mother that it does. Her mother and sister are some controlling ***** that have no respect for anyone else. And they have no life. The calls are not emergency calls. They call all morning, all afternoon, all evening. She talks to them all day when I'm at work, then they still call at night when I'm there after a long day of work. So to me, that means they have no respect for me as the head of the house because of my wife utlimately. My wife is passive-agressive and is very sneaky and plays both sides of the fence. When she visits them, she shows her true colors. And her family claims to be religious, but howso. It obviously teaches little to nothing about respect of a man's household and family. My wife has no loyalty. She gossips with them about what goes in our household. My wife needs to grow up, get a job, and maybe she won't have so much idle time. It's sickening. My father died 4 years ago, and her mother plays the oh I need you here card and she stays with her and does not come with me to my father's funeral. I will never forgive her or her family for that. They are rude, selfish, intrusive, and negative, bitter, complaining all the time people about something. I don't attempt to interact with them anymore. I will never talk to them again. I will never visit again. I want nothing to do with them. They have talked so much shyt and played so many games. They will be held accountable for disrupting a family. A bunch of complaining and whinny folks. Get your own lives. I'm sick of them

omg, you married my wife too???

I think majority of married men has the same problem. It's true that the mother gave birth to your wife and virtually did everything for her..But I think the MIL should understand the daughter's situation by thinking about her experience when she was young..She too had a married life and probably admired the privacy and she should know how to respect her daughter's and son in law's life. There is no need for her to ask everything to the finest detail and call 4 times a day..We all love our parents..we do many things to make them happy.But, a wife should know what the word 'MY FAMILY' means after marriage..She does not belong to her mum's family any more..she should understand the boundary. If a wife tries to keep her mum and husband both at number 1, no one will be happy..Instead she should try to develop and let her mum understand the concept of the NEW FAMILY which the mother will definitely understand since she was in the same situation , probably 20 years ago..but if the daughter does not try to change the situation, her mother will never give up.

We married 3 years ago as well, the only reason being that I thought it was 'the right thing to do' as we had just had our daughter(now 4) well my mother in law wants to run everything, thinks nothing of inviting people to our house for dinner, without our prior knowledge, and is hell on legs(just).<br />
She's also a diabetic and wont inject or take oral medicene so we all go through the mill when she's 'on one', I'll make it clear now that I do sympathise with the condition as I lost my father due to type 2.<br />
She's in my back garden right now, telling my Mrs that she 'shouldn't let him get away with it' by which I suppose I've done something wrong again.<br />
I am in between jobs, hopefully start in a couple of weeks, and just like the last guy I do most things in/around the house, but it gets worse! When I was on days, 05-30 'til 17-30, I would get up at 04-15, go to work get home 18-30/45 and have to wash up all the **** that had been left all day BEFORE preparing and cooking dinner!!! It really is just my daughter that keeps me within a mile of these people!

I got married about 3 years ago. My MIL is a smart tricky women that controlled all her family. AS a matter of fact her adult son (55 years old) felt that he could never please his mother. My wife call her mother 3 - 8 times a week. Last year for a holiday dinner I tasted one of the dished which tasted sour, due to the fact that she left it out over night ( meal sauce) and I stated it had a funny taste. My MIL stated that I was not Italian. I never understood what one thing has to do with another. My wife works as well as I do, but she never does anything around the house. I cook, clean, laundry, feed our dogs, etc... She comes home watches TV and goes on the computer .. that it. When my wife talks to her mother a day or two, we have a fight, usually about house work.... I do not want to end the marriage but I do not know how much more I can take... Please help

I got married about 3 years ago. My MIL is a smart tricky women that controlled all her family. AS a matter of fact her adult son (55 years old) felt that he could never please his mother. My wife call her mother 3 - 8 times a week. Last year for a holiday dinner I tasted one of the dished which tasted sour, due to the fact that she left it out over night ( meal sauce) and I stated it had a funny taste. My MIL stated that I was not Italian. I never understood what one thing has to do with another. My wife works as well as I do, but she never does anything around the house. I cook, clean, laundry, feed our dogs, etc... She comes home watches TV and goes on the computer .. that it. When my wife talks to her mother a day or two, we have a fight, usually about house work.... I do not want to end the marriage but I do not know how much more I can take... Please help

This is the problem of grandparents, they have obviously never grown up. 1 week a visit is more than enough. End of story.<br />
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The responsibility if on the side of the MIL, she should say to her daughter, you have your husband and your family, you are always welcomed to my house, but you should go back to your family and not come here too often. End of story. That is true love mother/daughter. If MIL wants to drag her daughter from her husband, guess what, she doesn't love her daughter, she wants her to be unhappy.<br />
<br />
This is very simple, but reserved for intelligent people only.

mother in law = woman hitler<br />
<br />
jumble the words of woman hitler and you may be surprised to see what lies within

mother in law = woman hitler<br />
<br />
jumble the letters of woman hitler and look what word you get

according to me HAR LADKI KI MAA KO USKI SHADI KA BAAD THODA SA CONTROL KARNA CHAYIA..AGAR LADKI UNHI SA JUDI REHI THO PHIR NAYA RISHTA KAISA NIBHAYAGE..POSSIBLE HE NHE HAI..PHIR BAS WAHI HUSBAND AND WIFE MA PROBLEM SHURU..<br />
LADKI KI MAA KO YA SAMAJHNA CHAYIA KI AAB HUM NA "KANYADAAN" KAR DIYA HAI , SO AB IS KA MATKLAB KHAY HAI...LADKI KI MAA KO BINA POOCHA APANI ADVICE NHE DANI CHAYIA...<br />
<br />
AGAR WO AISA KARA THO HUSBAND AND EIFE DONO HE KHUSH REH SAKTA HAI..KOI BHE BOY APANI MOTHER IN LAW KO TAB TAK IGNORE NHE KARTA JAB TAK MOTHER IN LAW RELATION KO SAMAJHTI HAI..

according to me HAR LADKI KI MAA KO USKI SHADI KA BAAD THODA SA CONTROL KARNA CHAYIA..AGAR LADKI UNHI SA JUDI REHI THO PHIR NAYA RISHTA KAISA NIBHAYAGE..POSSIBLE HE NHE HAI..PHIR BAS WAHI HUSBAND AND WIFE MA PROBLEM SHURU..<br />
LADKI KI MAA KO YA SAMAJHNA CHAYIA KI AAB HUM NA "KANYADAAN" KAR DIYA HAI , SO AB IS KA MATKLAB KHAY HAI...LADKI KI MAA KO BINA POOCHA APANI ADVICE NHE DANI CHAYIA...<br />
<br />
AGAR WO AISA KARA THO HUSBAND AND EIFE DONO HE KHUSH REH SAKTA HAI..KOI BHE BOY APANI MOTHER IN LAW KO TAB TAK IGNORE NHE KARTA JAB TAK MOTHER IN LAW RELATION KO SAMAJHTI HAI..

Heia<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hope you can help because I am at my absolute teather and can't face a life with my wife to be and mother in law.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
We are getting married in August and I can't bare the next 50 odd years off marriage and mother in law being there.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My fiance is very close to her mother, like most girls. Unfortunately, not only is she close to her, her mother is her best friend. So not only do I contend with a mother in law, I contend with a mother in law who is a best friend.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Over the last 6 weeks, she has texted two times at 11pm on a Saturday night to see if my fiance is still awake for a chat. Thankfully my fiance has said no. Tonight (Saturday), she rang after 10pm and had a 20minute chat with my fiance. My fiance sees nothing wrong with that, and said as long as it doesn't happen too often. By too often she means it can happen every couple of weeks before she tells her mam to back off. She says 10pm is fine, whereas I say anything after 9pm unless emergencies is our time (baring in mind my fiance stayed down her parents house last night and spend yesterday with her mother).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Generally her mother treats her like a 12 year old. Pulls her away from me to hug her, if we are sitting down she will pull my fiance to her and craddle her and kiss her head (We are both 26!!)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My fiance sees nothing wrong though and I am the bad guy for having a vendetta against her mother. I just want her to cut the cord a little and for her mother to let us live. my fiance speaks to her everyday and tells her everything that we do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Her mother is very demanding of her attention and time, and tells her to cheer up if she goes to visit and isn't all happy and smiley. She has had a go at me for not being happy and I told her I am what I am, I won't change.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am just petrified. I don't want to give in and let them rule the roost, but if I carry on I can't see us being able to carry on. <br />
<br />
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Her mother will organise new years eve in October to make sure we all attend, and I then get a row for suggesting we do something with our friends and not her family. her mother has already asked if she can be there when my wife gives birth(years off wanting a baby) and when I suggested that it should be our moment I had a row.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Please help me find a way to get my fiance to see what I am saying and to start our own lives and cut the cord. I say lets set boundaries but she doesn't want to and all I hear from them both is how good their bond is. My fiancee always feels sorry for her parents, and her parents put a lot on her. I'm petrified I will lose touch with my family and get dragged into hers especially when we do have kids. Please PLease please help, I'mdreading getting married!

Brother,
1. you must tell her very strictly to keep you no#1 in priority after marriage.
2. Even if she agrees, she will be unstable after marriage so better get a legal affidavit signed. tHIS KIND OF WOMEN WILL NEVER CHANGE.
3. If she doesn't agree, don't marry. It will be a hell of life like mine.
4. After marriage you observe her for a year or two. If she doesn't change, DO NOT TRY TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH HER. If she becomes mother of your children, she will have TRUMPH CARDS.
Good luck

What happened? Did you end up getting married? I am in the same situation. I got married this past July despite being placed second to my MIL for 4 years.

Heia<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Hope you can help because I am at my absolute teather and can't face a life with my wife to be and mother in law.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
We are getting married in August and I can't bare the next 50 odd years off marriage and mother in law being there.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My fiance is very close to her mother, like most girls. Unfortunately, not only is she close to her, her mother is her best friend. So not only do I contend with a mother in law, I contend with a mother in law who is a best friend.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Over the last 6 weeks, she has texted two times at 11pm on a Saturday night to see if my fiance is still awake for a chat. Thankfully my fiance has said no. Tonight (Saturday), she rang after 10pm and had a 20minute chat with my fiance. My fiance sees nothing wrong with that, and said as long as it doesn't happen too often. By too often she means it can happen every couple of weeks before she tells her mam to back off. She says 10pm is fine, whereas I say anything after 9pm unless emergencies is our time (baring in mind my fiance stayed down her parents house last night and spend yesterday with her mother).<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Generally her mother treats her like a 12 year old. Pulls her away from me to hug her, if we are sitting down she will pull my fiance to her and craddle her and kiss her head (We are both 26!!)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
My fiance sees nothing wrong though and I am the bad guy for having a vendetta against her mother. I just want her to cut the cord a little and for her mother to let us live. my fiance speaks to her everyday and tells her everything that we do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Her mother is very demanding of her attention and time, and tells her to cheer up if she goes to visit and isn't all happy and smiley. She has had a go at me for not being happy and I told her I am what I am, I won't change.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am just petrified. I don't want to give in and let them rule the roost, but if I carry on I can't see us being able to carry on. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Her mother will organise new years eve in October to make sure we all attend, and I then get a row for suggesting we do something with our friends and not her family. her mother has already asked if she can be there when my wife gives birth(years off wanting a baby) and when I suggested that it should be our moment I had a row.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Please help me find a way to get my fiance to see what I am saying and to start our own lives and cut the cord. I say lets set boundaries but she doesn't want to and all I hear from them both is how good their bond is. My fiancee always feels sorry for her parents, and her parents put a lot on her. I'm petrified I will lose touch with my family and get dragged into hers especially when we do have kids. Please PLease please help, I'mdreading getting married!

man your story is exactly like mine. I dont know what to do! I got to move, im going crazy. And I dont like her becuase her MIL is an awful, selfish person

I'm in a very similar situation. I get interrupted over and over again by phone calls from my wifes family. I try to take her to dinner, and at least twice she gets a call from someone. If it's not her sister, it's her father, or her mother. We try to go out to a movie, and the same happens. She and her mother talk at least 4 times a day. She talks to her sister a couple of times, as with her father as well. And that's only in the time that I am with her. <br />
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I am not exaggerating when I say that 8 out of 10 things she says, have something to do with h mom, or her dad, or her sister or here brother. It's like she hasn't left her house. Her family is her parents and siblings, not her husband and son. <br />
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I'm really sick of it. We've already been to two marriage counselors. I have spoken to her about this several times. She will change her behavior for a couple of weeks, but she always ends up in the same place as before. <br />
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Recently I spoke to her again and told her that I was considering a divorce. The only reason I've stayed is because we have a beautiful child together, but I'm so tired of being set to a second place when it comes to her family. <br />
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She says that this is not reason enough for a divorce. She claims that her relationship with them is completely normal and healthy. We just bought a house and she even decorated the whole damn place exactly like her parents house. Same kind of kitchen, same kind of furniture. She even wants her dad to do our landscaping. I'm just so tired of feeling tha she sees me as an attachment to her family, instead of HER family. <br />
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She thinks that I want to get divorced because we get interrupted a lot when we are together. She says that can be solved by putting her phone on vibrate every time we are together. She doesn't understand, or probably pretends to not understand, that this goes way beyond that. I sometimes feel that she wants to make this all about phone calls, because surely, that's not a reason to get divorced. That way, I become the bad guy that divorced her because she got too many phone calls. <br />
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Her phone has not rung that much these past few days. She puts it in vibrate as soon as I walk in. but I hear her running to answer missed calls as soon as I leave the room. Shes texting her sister or her mother from the bathroom. She just can't focus on us. On our family. I've already decided that next time, I'm just gonna drive her to her parents house and tell her to get out of the car.

tobarel, I can understand what it feels like. The problem is with your wife's family. They are disrespecting you. You have to put your foot down. I did, and it's working. You have to get your Minister or Priest involved and continuous marital counceling. If you wife see's a problem with it, indicate to her that the councelling is for yourself to better understand why you are feeling the way you do. This way you will get her to participate. I think the problem has a lot to do with the family and the way in which they raise their children. Some people can raise their children to be completely independent, and respectful. Always communicate with your wife and let her know when you feel what you feel. I hope this helps you.

Wow. I am reading my life... The phone calls, constantly calling mother and brother... I really cant do this anymore

Same here. My MIL is located 600Kms far from our home. My wife cant just resist herself from speaking to her mom on phone. Be it morning, afternoon or night she chats, chats and chats. Even she works for an IT firm like me, dial her any time, your call will be on hold and she'll be speaking to her mom ! How would you feel, when all the happening inside your home is being shared to your MIL on a regular basis everyday ? Mom, I made this, he did that, we fell into s*** together ???? !!!! Looks like she's in charge of the family and not me :( Of course, I love my wife to the core, and fights ourburst very often when I open this topic. What should we do to make her feel we are more important that pleasing her parents !

My god, that is EXACTLY how it is with my wife. I just wish that cord would be cut and I could have my wife and feel like she's with me. Granted we do spend time together, but it's hardly enough with my wife constantly worrying about making her mother happy, making sure she doesn't hate her, etc. My MIL has a $hitload of mental problems and it doesn't help that my wife has a few as well. Seriously, the MIL can beat the crap out of her, claim abuse, call the cops, guilt trip, and so much more, and my wife STILL F-KING CLINGS TO HER MOMMY. Nothing anyone says to her can get through to her. It has me fearing and thinking I should run before we have any children! If that cord's never cut, then I'm f-ked

I have a similar sad experience.. <br />
I get completely disturbed when my mother in law visits us... she is a widow and my wife somehow has some special bonding with her.. <br />
a word out of my MIL mouth holds the utmost importance and I am sick of this behaviour.. <br />
I did something mean this time to show her how unwelcomed she is in my house.. but I guess she happily ignores it.. <br />
<br />
I usually fall in debate with my wife over my MIL.. and I just can't tolerate how she takes her side..<br />
I really love my wife.. and I guess separating wouldn't be an option.. all I want to do is...have my MIL nowhere close to me or my famlily...I wish I tell her how sick she is... and how painful it is to have her around... sick lonely ppl...

Well, my MIL lives about 480km away from me, but she is only a phone call away. When she comes over she takes over everything, tells my Mum what to do, although my Mum only visits about twice a year. She rearranges everything and the worst part is that my wife justifies everything that she does. I hate to say it, but I just wish she was placed on the moon.

I'm feeling sorry for my oh now, my mother is very involved, she expects us round 3 times a week, (and I work 2 full days, so only 2 full days at home), my mil also expects to see the children at least once a week, both of them are great but I often feel it would be nice just to be a family unit with no grandparents wanting visits. Thank goodness my 4 year old has now started school and my 3 year old is in an afternoon nursery class, I only go round to cook dinner 3 times a week now and I work when MIL has the boys.

I feel your pain, brother. I would have left if it wasn't for my daughter. With luck, I may be able to prevent her being turned the same way by presenting an example of sanity to her. At least, I felt that way to begin with.<br />
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Now I'm beginning to feel that my efforts are futile. They certainly have no effect on my wife, who is so insecure she won't even contemplate moving more than 5 miles away from her mother and her church. What with the MIL running everything and my wife uninterested in supporting me, I too feel as if my contribution to the family amounts to nothing more than the presence of a token father figure.<br />
<br />
The priest even warned me about this in pre-marriage counselling. He's known them a lot longer than I have. He made a special effort to emphasise the "cleave unto your husband" stuff.<br />
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Did it work? No. The woman has more influence in my life than ever, as she too looks after my daughter during the day, while my wife and I work. She's paid around double what I would be paying an au-pair, and of course, she's immune from being fired because she can play the "family" card and get instant absolution from anything from my wife.<br />
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The sooner she is gone from my life, the better, but I don't hold any serious hope of it happening soon.

Yes, she needs to cut the cord. I am experiencing the same situation...my husband's mother is a piece of work let me tell you. But we went to counseling and his eyes opened...he realized I am now his #1 priority (we don't have kids). In order to make a marriage work you have to put time into it...and make an effort to carve out time together. Voice your opinion to your wife...would she agree to see a marriage counselor? Sometimes it takes a 3rd party involved for that "ah-ha" moment.