MY Mother In Law Knows Every Thing
update may 1 2012, we dont see much of my mother in law my husband sees her for who she really is
we have moved out as of jan16 2009, and bought our own house in the next town. things are so much better with my husband and my little
family ,she wont step foot in my house shes only been over 2 times and she knows shes not wanted over
but I smile and I am torrential of her . she knows i would never disrespect her like she did us or use her for only money and
at the same time treat her like crap .but she is who she is she will never change thats why shes alone in
her big 4 bedroom house her grand daughter 2 years ago went to live with her mother .getting away from
the controlling grandmother . shes put all 4 of the dogs to sleep but one the 5th dog she didnt put to sleep.
the womans nuts. i stay away from her , her daughter uses her for only money, like the mother in law did us
maybe the karma bus is pulling in her driveway and her own daughters driving it .mmm.
She drives me crazy my mother in law knows every thing, yup thats why shes went bankrupt. one thing is for sure hinsite is 20/20 and iam stronger for what all i have been threw i have and iam learning from all this
mess, and i wont let it make me bitter ,i will have more compassion for her and others like her.
i will prosper with my family and we as a family will over come this pain and we will be stronger for it.
The Know-it-all-expert is one of the most maddening types of difficult people. They possess an arrogance that makes others feel extremely inadequate and incompetent because they make it crystal clear they have it all under control, all of the time. They lack the quality of humility, which makes it very difficult to relate to them in a “human to human” manner. Their self-protective defenses are quite strong and designed to keep others out rather than invite them in.
These folks basically have a strong need for security in an unpredictable world. They may have grown up being constantly criticized, so they wrap themselves in a “blanket” of armor which is designed to protect them from further criticism in the future.
Know it all's have a strong belief in their own superiority. They value facts and logic, and seek respect through acknowledged competence. This is the way they have learned they can make their mark on the world and maintain a sense of self-esteem. The more productive, thorough and accurate they are, the less likely they will receive criticism from others.
Often described as "bulldozers," they possess an aura of personal authority, sense of power and tone of absolute certainty. They are usually right and will confront those who question their logic with a data "dump" that leaves people feeling overwhelmed. Their strategy is to shut you down quickly should you question them or confront them. There is no room in their world to consider other opinions because it means that they must be wrong, which is too demoralizing to their self-esteem.
The know-it-all can be condescending, imposing, pompous, and sometimes make you feel like an idiot. Their intent is NOT to make you feel this way, but rather to shore themselves up. It's important for you to realize that their behavior is not a personal attack against you, although it often seems that way. It's more about them!
Motivation: They have a strong need for security in an unpredictable world
More Behavioral Traits:
• Motivate others to exhibit resistant behavior
• Leave little room for anyone else's judgments, creativity or resourcefulness
• Hard to dissuade or influence to other points of view
• When wrong, usually see it as the fault of those responsible for implementation
• Not all experts are know-it-all's but all know-it-all's are “experts”
• Respond with irritation, anger or withdrawal to other opinions and suggestions
• Facts and logic are all-important to them, especially their own
- You must do your homework, discuss facts in an orderly manner, and make sure your information is accurate and complete. Don't 'ball park' it or they will dismiss you as incompetent.
- Listen actively and acknowledge. Paraphrase rather than interrupt; it shows you respect their expertise.
- Resist the temptation to assert your own expert credentials. It won't work. No one knows more than they do in their opinion!
- Acknowledge their competence; don't ignore or dismiss them
- If you fight them, they only grow more determined. Move along with the current rather than try to swim upstream; it'll only tire you out if you try to fight.
- Help them consider alternative views while avoiding direct challenges to their expertise. Ask them, “Are you open to more ideas to supplement your own?”
- Thoroughly prepare. You must do your homework in advance.
- Be prepared to discuss facts in an orderly manner
- Questioning them may be interpreted that you either didn't get it the first time (in which case they'll repeat themselves in tremendous detail) OR they'll think you don't have brains enough to understand in the first place, and they'll dismiss you as incompetent.
- If you must point out an error or omission, do it by questioning them firmly and with confidence. For example ask, “How will that look in practice or 5 years from now?” You are better off asking for clarification than contradicting them directly.
- If it's your boss, don't try to shoot from the hip or wing it. Do your homework and try to anticipate their questions.
- They will pay attention to the non-verbals and can figure out quickly if you are being insincere.
Your best bet in dealing with the know-it-all is to give them your full attention as often as possible. Maintain your composure, even though they push a number of your buttons. Ask them questions that are non-threatening and avoid implying that they don't know what they are talking about. Remember to build up their self-esteem. The more you can do this, the less they feel like they have to prove themselves to the world.
You might be thinking, “Why in the world should I go to these lengths for this type of person. They drive me and everyone else crazy!” Here's the reason why it's worth your effort: you can either put your energy into building them up so they tone down their arrogant behaviors, OR you can put your energy into maintaining control of your emotions as this person ramps it up into high gear. You have to choose which approach is better for you (and others) in the long run. If you prefer to continue feeling frustrated and angry, then so be it. The choice is basically in your hands because, as you know, you are probably NOT going to be able to change them. The most you can do is to work WITH the current, rather than against it! Good luck!
Q. Hi Laura! As always, I enjoyed your teleclass very much. Thank you! I was wondering if you have any particular helpful hints for the know-it-all who is blustering, or mostly blustering. You said usually the know-it-all does know a lot, but also there are people who know some things, but really not more than anyone else, yet insist on telling you at length how you should do your job . In this case, and others, how does one handle it when one is not the supervisor, just a co-worker. One can hope the supervisor will intervene, but if that doesn't happen do you have suggestions? Thanks so much for all your help!
A. Hi Mary, Thanks for asking. When it comes to someone who is disruptive (regardless of what method of disruption they are known for), you are not the supervisor, and the supervisor hasn't yet taken any action, here's how I would approach it...
- First I'd do some preparation and use the 4-F Method to prepare "talking points" for my conversation with the offender. (Remember, they stand for Facts, Fallout, Feelings, and Feedback/Follow-up)
- I'd approach them at a time when everyone is relaxed, and see if you can take them out for coffee or lunch. Put yourself in a mindset that you are trying to offer them some support for their own professional development. I'd avoid calling it "feedback" because that term has gained such a negative connotation.
- Let them know in some way that you have their best interests at heart. That you could sit by the sidelines and let it continue without saying anything, but you know that it is harming their reputation and relationship with others.
- VERY IMPORTANT PART: Ask for permission to share with them your perceptions and your suggestions for how they can make a positive adjustment. If they don't give you permission, then thank them for their time and quickly switch the conversation to a less volatile topic.
- If they do give you permission, proceed by telling them your perceptions of what is happening almost as if you have been a fly on the wall, observing from a very ob
- If they don't give you permission to share, then you have to decide if the issue is bad enough to require taking it to the supervisor. If you do, again approach it from the perspective that it is in the person's best interest, in support of the team, that you are raising the issue. Use the CARLA Concept to guide you with this conversation (c = circumstances we are facing, a = actions already taken, r = results achieved, l = lessons learned, a = alternatives to consider for the future)
- Regardless of whether the offender or the boss brushes you off, at least you have made the effort and raised the issue. While you might not immediately get the result you would like, at least it might prompt either or both of them to seek opinions from others. It might cause the supervisor to dig a little deeper , pay more attention, etc.
- If nobody does anything, then you have another choice. You can look for a mental position that will give you peace of mind. Try to overlook them, have some compassion for the problems that cause them to try and make themselves more important in others' eyes, be thankful they are not your boss, etc. OR you can look for another job. It's always an option if the situation is SO bad that it is making your work environment intolerable. It's obviously a last resort.
Whoops, no, there is one last resort. That is to take the issue above your bosses' head. That is extreme and could backfire on you, so proceed very cautiously if you choose this approach.