MY Mother In Law Knows Every Thing

update may 1 2012, we dont see much of my mother in law my husband sees her for who she really is
 we have moved out as of jan16 2009, and bought our own house in the next town. things are so much better with my husband and my little
family ,she wont step foot in my house shes only been over 2 times and she knows shes not wanted over
but I smile and I am  torrential  of her . she knows i would never disrespect her like she did us or use her for only money and
at the same time treat her like crap .but she is who she is she will never change thats why shes alone in
her big 4 bedroom house her grand daughter 2 years ago went to live with her mother .getting away from
the controlling grandmother . shes put all 4 of the dogs to sleep but one the 5th dog she didnt put to sleep.
 the womans nuts. i stay away from her , her daughter uses her for only money, like the mother in law did us
 maybe the karma bus is pulling in her driveway and her own daughters driving it .mmm.

She drives me crazy my mother in law knows every thing, yup thats why shes went bankrupt. one thing is for sure hinsite is 20/20 and iam stronger for what all i have been threw i have and iam learning from all this

mess, and i wont let it make me bitter ,i will have more compassion for her and others like her.

 i will prosper with my family and we as a family will over come this pain and we will be stronger for it.

The Know-it-all-expert is one of the most maddening types of difficult people. They possess an arrogance that makes others feel extremely inadequate and incompetent because they make it crystal clear they have it all under control, all of the time. They lack the quality of humility, which makes it very difficult to relate to them in a “human to human” manner. Their self-protective defenses are quite strong and designed to keep others out rather than invite them in.

These folks basically have a strong need for security in an unpredictable world. They may have grown up being constantly criticized, so they wrap themselves in a “blanket” of armor which is designed to protect them from further criticism in the future.

Know it all's have a strong belief in their own superiority. They value facts and logic, and seek respect through acknowledged competence. This is the way they have learned they can make their mark on the world and maintain a sense of self-esteem. The more productive, thorough and accurate they are, the less likely they will receive criticism from others.

Often described as "bulldozers," they possess an aura of personal authority, sense of power and tone of absolute certainty. They are usually right and will confront those who question their logic with a data "dump" that leaves people feeling overwhelmed. Their strategy is to shut you down quickly should you question them or confront them. There is no room in their world to consider other opinions because it means that they must be wrong, which is too demoralizing to their self-esteem.

The know-it-all can be condescending, imposing, pompous, and sometimes make you feel like an idiot. Their intent is NOT to make you feel this way, but rather to shore themselves up. It's important for you to realize that their behavior is not a personal attack against you, although it often seems that way. It's more about them!

Motivation: They have a strong need for security in an unpredictable world


More Behavioral Traits:

•  Motivate others to exhibit resistant behavior

•  Leave little room for anyone else's judgments, creativity or resourcefulness

•  Hard to dissuade or influence to other points of view

•  When wrong, usually see it as the fault of those responsible for implementation

•  Not all experts are know-it-all's but all know-it-all's are “experts”

•  Respond with irritation, anger or withdrawal to other opinions and suggestions

•  Facts and logic are all-important to them, especially their own


Coping Strategies:

  • You must do your homework, discuss facts in an orderly manner, and make sure your information is accurate and complete. Don't 'ball park' it or they will dismiss you as incompetent.
  • Listen actively and acknowledge. Paraphrase rather than interrupt; it shows you respect their expertise.
  • Resist the temptation to assert your own expert credentials. It won't work. No one knows more than they do in their opinion!
  • Acknowledge their competence; don't ignore or dismiss them
  • If you fight them, they only grow more determined. Move along with the current rather than try to swim upstream; it'll only tire you out if you try to fight.
  • Help them consider alternative views while avoiding direct challenges to their expertise. Ask them, “Are you open to more ideas to supplement your own?”
  • Thoroughly prepare. You must do your homework in advance.
  • Be prepared to discuss facts in an orderly manner
  • Questioning them may be interpreted that you either didn't get it the first time (in which case they'll repeat themselves in tremendous detail) OR they'll think you don't have brains enough to understand in the first place, and they'll dismiss you as incompetent.
  • If you must point out an error or omission, do it by questioning them firmly and with confidence. For example ask, “How will that look in practice or 5 years from now?” You are better off asking for clarification than contradicting them directly.
  • If it's your boss, don't try to shoot from the hip or wing it. Do your homework and try to anticipate their questions.
  • They will pay attention to the non-verbals and can figure out quickly if you are being insincere.

Your best bet in dealing with the know-it-all is to give them your full attention as often as possible. Maintain your composure, even though they push a number of your buttons. Ask them questions that are non-threatening and avoid implying that they don't know what they are talking about. Remember to build up their self-esteem. The more you can do this, the less they feel like they have to prove themselves to the world.

You might be thinking, “Why in the world should I go to these lengths for this type of person. They drive me and everyone else crazy!” Here's the reason why it's worth your effort: you can either put your energy into building them up so they tone down their arrogant behaviors, OR you can put your energy into maintaining control of your emotions as this person ramps it up into high gear. You have to choose which approach is better for you (and others) in the long run. If you prefer to continue feeling frustrated and angry, then so be it. The choice is basically in your hands because, as you know, you are probably NOT going to be able to change them. The most you can do is to work WITH the current, rather than against it! Good luck!


Q. Hi Laura! As always, I enjoyed your teleclass very much. Thank you! I was wondering if you have any particular helpful hints for the know-it-all who is blustering, or mostly blustering. You said usually the know-it-all does know a lot, but also there are people who know some things, but really not more than anyone else, yet insist on telling you at length how you should do your job . In this case, and others, how does one handle it when one is not the supervisor, just a co-worker. One can hope the supervisor will intervene, but if that doesn't happen do you have suggestions? Thanks so much for all your help!

Regards, Mary

A. Hi Mary, Thanks for asking. When it comes to someone who is disruptive (regardless of what method of disruption they are known for), you are not the supervisor, and the supervisor hasn't yet taken any action, here's how I would approach it...

- First I'd do some preparation and use the 4-F Method to prepare "talking points" for my conversation with the offender. (Remember, they stand for Facts, Fallout, Feelings, and Feedback/Follow-up)

- I'd approach them at a time when everyone is relaxed, and see if you can take them out for coffee or lunch. Put yourself in a mindset that you are trying to offer them some support for their own professional development. I'd avoid calling it "feedback" because that term has gained such a negative connotation.

- Let them know in some way that you have their best interests at heart. That you could sit by the sidelines and let it continue without saying anything, but you know that it is harming their reputation and relationship with others.

- VERY IMPORTANT PART: Ask for permission to share with them your perceptions and your suggestions for how they can make a positive adjustment. If they don't give you permission, then thank them for their time and quickly switch the conversation to a less volatile topic.

- If they do give you permission, proceed by telling them your perceptions of what is happening almost as if you have been a fly on the wall, observing from a very objective viewpoint. Offer suggestions of how they could turn things around. Ask them if they want your thoughts in the future as to how they are shifting their approach with others.

- If they don't give you permission to share, then you have to decide if the issue is bad enough to require taking it to the supervisor. If you do, again approach it from the perspective that it is in the person's best interest, in support of the team, that you are raising the issue. Use the CARLA Concept to guide you with this conversation (c = circumstances we are facing, a = actions already taken, r = results achieved, l = lessons learned, a = alternatives to consider for the future)

- Regardless of whether the offender or the boss brushes you off, at least you have made the effort and raised the issue. While you might not immediately get the result you would like, at least it might prompt either or both of them to seek opinions from others. It might cause the supervisor to dig a little deeper , pay more attention, etc.

- If nobody does anything, then you have another choice. You can look for a mental position that will give you peace of mind. Try to overlook them, have some compassion for the problems that cause them to try and make themselves more important in others' eyes, be thankful they are not your boss, etc. OR you can look for another job. It's always an option if the situation is SO bad that it is making your work environment intolerable. It's obviously a last resort.

Whoops, no, there is one last resort. That is to take the issue above your bosses' head. That is extreme and could backfire on you, so proceed very cautiously if you choose this approach.

lunnas lunnas
41-45, F
20 Responses Nov 29, 2008

savagepatience,<br />
i think ur on to her , and shes gona be just like her hated<br />
mother in law marg. all alone. she trys so hard to<br />
controle every thing . i do feel that shes taking every<br />
bad thing that ever happend to her out on me and my family<br />
she dont like it but she knows when she pushes me too hard i stand up to her and i tell her like it is. whats really sad shes put up christams lights and stuff and i just cant get into enjoying christmas shes taken all my joy.

Here Lunnas, check out the deffenition of a narsisistic personality. This is my Dad. I wonder if its your MIL.<br />
<br />
Definition<br />
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. They believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism. <br />
<br />
Narcissistic personality disorder is one of several types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are conditions in which people have traits that cause them to feel and behave in socially distressing ways, limiting their ability to function in relationships and in other areas of their life, such as work or school. In particular, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as histrionic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around psychotherapy. <br />
<br />
<br />
Symptoms <br />
Symptoms<br />
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include: <br />
<br />
Believing that you're better than others <br />
Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness <br />
Exaggerating your achievements or talents <br />
Expecting constant praise and admiration <br />
Believing that you're special <br />
Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings <br />
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans <br />
Taking advantage of others <br />
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior <br />
Being jealous of others <br />
Believing that others are jealous of you <br />
Trouble keeping healthy relationships <br />
Setting unrealistic goals <br />
Being easily hurt and rejected <br />
Having a fragile self-esteem <br />
Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional <br />
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others. <br />
<br />
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may also seek out others you think have the same special talents, power and qualities — people you see as equals. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance. <br />
<br />
But underneath all this grandiosity often lies a very fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

she cooked 2 hens <br />
(chicken) eeeewwww

Lunnas!!!! <br />
You need to get out of there!!! I don't know how you stand it, but good one about the chicken - ha ha! You should have said: "Turkey? Are you sure it wasn't chicken?" Maybe she could go back and have a closer inspection! Or, she could take a sample and have it analysed - suggest that to her! What a freak.

we have tryed so hard to talk with her but she is in total denialville . she has when we first moved in with her made us both fight becalse things shes done. and she used to tell donald karlas on ur compturer things like that. i think iam just to the point now that iam sick of the walking on egg shells and raiser blades from the moment i wake up till she goes to bed and iam not trying to start a war with her , but he gives her too much power and iam waiting for him to stand up to her and tell her stop treating my wife like u do! she knows he wont stand up to her but she knows dont push me to far becalse last summer she made me so upset i told her off . i dont like doing that i really dont but its crazy the metal hell and stress she puts on us , people say move out well we are trying to move out ,but for now we will still look for a house<br />
to buy. please if u read this pray for us ,she needs prayers too badly.

i agree 100% with u donald is her dream husband! sad aint it<br />
becalse so many times donald and i have been discussing things that only concer us our marrage and here she goes like donalds talking only to her , and i really resent that hes my husband i dont feel iam jealouse of her she needs boundrys and some mornings its like she makes getting donalds coffie a race between her and i and thats nuts . one thing we cant talk to her i wish to god we could we have tryed and she turns every thing into iam a victome and ive oped my house to u and this is the thanks i get. that kind of attude. and shes a person that if my 15 year old daughter and i arnt helpless and have to have mother in law waiting on us hand and foot she rejects us both , shes made it clear she only has one grand daughter becalse she adpoted her daughters girl , and the grand daughter of her child plays into this act of being so helpless grandma has to even put her ice cream in the microwave oven to soffen it up so helpless can eat it, shes 13 and still sets in grandmas lap every night .see where this is going? my daughter ive tought her to be a little indepence and not to use grand ma. and see iam the same way i wont let her wait on me hand and foot its crazy . i know shes a person that has to be needed but i refuse to use her like that its wrong. for antoher woman to treat another woman like shes a slave. i respect her more than that . but she refuses to have a relationship with me and i have eccepted it.

"shes reliving all her marriage with donalds dead father and its all the things she should have had with vern."<br />
<br />
I think you might have got it right there. When overstepping her boundaries she is possibly trying to make your marriage HER dream marriage. It is not right.<br />
<br />
Have you tried talking to her and letting her know how you feel? Just a note to let her know that you still love her, but need her to back off a little.<br />
<br />
A dialogue sort of like this: "Hey, Mom, I know you had it hard in your marriage. I feel like you are controlling my marriage and making it the marriage you always wanted. Mom, please realize that this is OUR marriage, not yours. We love you and respect your opinion, but please love and respect us by offering suggestions - not taking over for us. We need you to take a back seat for now, mom, but we will ask you for help if we need it. We love you and thank you for all that you have done."<br />
<br />
If that doesn't work, how about - Ephesians 5:31 "For this cause will a man go away from his father and mother and be joined to his wife" - it's biblical!

That is so sad, and sad you are affected by her resentments. I will also pray for her, but I will pray for you harder so you can have your own home and I pray not only will you have it, but you will also love it. *Smile*

all i can say is shes bitter full of hate and regreat and shes never gona get it never gona get it!

life is full of chooces u make in life some times u make good ones and some times u make bad ones but u cant set all day long thinking of the what ifs in life u do the best u can with what u are given. i dont think my monster in law gets this <br />
u do the best u can in life. becalse theres times shes told us if only i had lefted ur dad u would have a better father and on and on . life is what u make it u have to live for today and get on with ur life dont live in the passed

u know why she hates us so bad? shes jealiouse of us becalse we love each other see donalds father was a real ba stard he would even beat her and the kids. and donald turned out to be a very kind man all the things his father never was hes a wondeful father and husband and his mom hates us that we are in love and hes good to us shes 73 and shes reliving all her marrage with donalds dead father and its all the things she should have had with vern. and its sad shes making her self misrable and us too . we will have a house payed for and she will never have hers payed for

well i did a ops today befor we lefted i was telling my husband<br />
that i didnt want to discuss the house we were buying becalse i didnt want her pearls of wisdom and i was sick of her giving us advice and her calling us stupid, well monster in law was in the kitchen of corse she could here she always some where , where she can eather look over our sholder and read what we are doing on the computer (and there she comes right on cue ,shes in the kitchen getting a sleeping pill, mmm) shes afraid shes gona miss any thing we say . well iam sure earler she hurd what i said, donald got after me about it becalse if i start a war shes got the power to be and cry ive opend up my house to u and all u can do is be so mean to me waaaa, what ever. i didnt tell him iam sorry . i told him i was sick of being controled from the minute i come out of the bedroom to how many times i can flush the tolet, oh its bad. today she told us one of her 5 big dogs puked looked like turkey, damn what she do pick threw the puke? damn! well i didnt tell her i fed jake her chicken she cooked, only she can feed the dogs! lord help us get out of her hell , my daughters gots on her door a syng that says asaneacelium (crazy house) and it says it alll . i wouldnt even put it apassed her that shes made a account on ep so she can read what i think of her . all i can say aleast she knows the "love " we have for her queenship iam still praying we find a house

I bet she sure is going to try! Put up a sign saying" NO MOTHER-IN-LAWS INSIDE".<br />
<br />
I hope you find just what your looking for but better.

i dont understand why she treats us as she does but when we do get our house darn sure i wont let her ever treat me like crap or my family any more . beclase iam not planning on seeing her or calling her ive had enough crap from her .

Mother in Laws can be hurtful. I feel sorry for you.<br />
<br />
My EX-Mother in Law.....Pealed up the carpet in the corner of the living room to see if there really was, beautiful wood floors underneath. Guess, she just didn't believe me.

Laughing bouncing off the walls. Offfer her to pay for a nursing home for and live there without her. You poor thing.

then she calls us stupid for making a offer on a house they wanted 89, for it she said we should offer 20 grand . are u falling on the ground laughting yet? yeah shes got some ideas

OMGosh....pick out your house? NO WAY!!!!!

i say the same thing NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER AGAIN!<br />
she wants us out so bad shes showing us house in IVIRAN KY , I TOLD HER NO!

Hmmmmm....sounds just like my father. He is narsistisic.<br />
I just lived with him for 1 1/2 yrs. All I can say is "NEVER NEVER AGAIN".