Not Sure If I Need to Just Give Up!

I am not seeking to bash my MIL, just wish I could find a way to deal with her.  I approached my husband's family seeking a friendship.  My brother's wife has a wonderful, fun relationship with my family and I longed for that when I met my husband.  However, I have come to the conclusion that the relationship was doomed before it ever started. 

There was VERY bad history with an already existing daughter in-law and if I didn't bow down to my MIL and side with her on everything, then I was just like the DIL.  Which in turn, drove me towards my SIL.  Now, I think they are both crazy!

I could fill this page with hurtful events, but it came to me last night that I need to take control of my end of the relationship for my own sanity.  I'm sure from time to time that I will vent a little, but I am mainly seeking for advice, catch phrase responses, etc. so that I don't dread being around her. 

I laugh at Laureli (?) from Gilmore Girls and how she deals with her mother, but I feel like the DIL from Everybody Loves Raymond! 

Advice please!  I feel that I have tried everything from being nice (that opened me up to hurtful, negative comments), distant (they felt I wasn't paying them enough attention), honest (that lead to denial of events, changing subjects), etc.  The only things I haven't tried are being completely rude (I don't want to stoop to their level) and being funny (I'm not always quick with humorous responses).

 

wareagle wareagle
31-35, F
5 Responses Jul 21, 2007

Thanks for putting your story here, it seems to be the same thing I have been dealing with for the past couple years. I also feel like the DIL from Raymond, and my MIL is 100x worse than Marie. Keep your chin up, and know that there are other people who are going through the same thing. good luck, and like friends tell me, try to stay positive.

You are in good company. I feel the same way you do and I've tried all approaches...make sure you stay true to yourself, and true to your beliefs and boundaries. Your MIL and SIL obviously have no boundaries of their own, and they chose to violate yours. It's awlays good to speak with a 3rd person who is a professional and get a fresh opinion on the situation. Counseling really helped me in regards to viewing my MIL as someone who is UNSAFE and UNSTABLE. Good luck...I will be sure to say a prayer for you. :)

I understand you perfectly. Of course, YOU are the NICE person, seeking advice and doing the best you can. She, on the other hand, is taking advantage of that, and will continue to as long as you let her. I'm not claiming to be Dr. Phil here, but its plain to see that she's not going to change and you have a choice: to either learn a way to ignore her negative behavior when you have to be around her ...or just decide not to be around her. I've recently opted for the latter by expressing myself in an email to MIL ( after she sent SIL & husband to snoop around outside our house)<br />
That was my personal end point. We all have one. We've been to a couple of counselors re: our sit. and even the Priest. All with differing results...Beleive it or not the Priest said to cut them off. I'm suspecting the counselors (who were paid, oc) were trying to draw things out and get us back to "talk" Enough said!;)<br />
Peace, I'm praying for you!

Believe me when I say that I've tried every approach possible with very little success. I asked my children's pediatrician for advice and she said that "people who are used to being in control and begin to lose that control for whatever reason tend to go to drastic measures to maintain that control." She didn't give much hope for my situation improving. I, like you, am hoping the situation gets better but I am having my doubts. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings.

I can totally relate to your responses....I've tried being nice aka just suckin' it up for about ten years and then just got too "old" and sick of it...Now I just laugh and pop off witty comments...like I don't take them seriously and they're behavior is just ONE BIG JOKE. If you start treating them like they are acting like small children and YOU are the ADULT in the situation...they'll change their attitude. Not necessarily for the better...but I think in the long run, you'll FEEL like the ADULT and everyone will see them as being the immature excuses for parents/family that they are!! And another good one I've learned that gets reaction...start talking about someone else that you know that you admire as a parent or good role model for you and your kids/family. Nothing like a little good competition to keep things at least with a semblance of niceness ;)