How Would You Deal With This??

In laws just visited and brought belated b-day presents for my husband and 2 kids, and pointedly excluded me.  They did this last December when we visited at Xmas and my birthday fell during that month - I even tried fishing for a simple "happy birthday"  - couldn't get one.  After this last visit, I told my husband how hurt I was and frankly don't plan to join him for any holiday visits to his family.  Do you agree?  He acknowledged my hurt, but I don't know what else to do.  Last 5 years or so I haven't had great relationship with them, but this goes beyond any mild snide comments they may have made.  Appreciate any advice -  Thanks much    Kelly
guitargrn guitargrn
41-45, F
8 Responses Jul 28, 2007

I totally understand your frustration! It always hurts to be left out :( Every year, I watch my two BILS get plentiful and expensive gifts, while when my hubby's birthday rolls around he either gets "sorry we were broke" or they get him a gift card of some kind(something is better than nothing, but still). He says nothing, but I know it bothers him, you can see it and hear it in his voice. But at least 50% of the time he at least gets a call. Every year for my birthday they all get a case of amnesia: no call, no gift, no acknowledgement whatsoever - even if we are doing something with them that day and hubby mentions "you know, it is -----'s birthday today", there is no remorse on their part for forgetting. You would think after 8 years of this crap I would be used to it, but it always stings a little. <br />
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However, my MILs birthday is a totally different story. She mopes all day or throws a fit if you happen to not call right away on her birthday. She always says "no presents" but gets upset if there aren't any. Last year, I baked her a cake for her birthday - she thought my BIL did it and was so excited and no one said different until I spoke up and said, "no MIL, I made you the cake"...then that changed the whole tone for the cake - it wasn't as good because I made it.

but what to do about this whole MIL thing. why cant they warm up to new woman in their sons life. and more important why do they agree to the marriage when alll they do is ruin the new persons life with all tantrums and rules. ANyone who has deciphered the solution.

I would be upset as well, and I don't blame you at all.<br />
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I'm not married (not quite old enough, hehe) but my mother is re-married, and I love my step-father, but his parents are beyond belief.<br />
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They constantly shower my two younger sisters (the ones who my mother and step-dad had together) with gifts and compliments and attention in general. I have to fish for any ammount of attention I might get, and even then they still manage to throw in a snide comment.<br />
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Recently I've had to deal with them constantly berating me for wanting to become a teacher. It's very frustrating, and I can certainly see why you would be upset with such treatment.

My MiL always passed on my christmas gifts to her to her daughter, once in front of me, the other time in a text "oh I have given them to Jane, I'll ask her if she liked it". She was being bold, so I stopped giving her anything. Just wasn't worth my time and effort if she was being a witch about it.<br />
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She never remembered my birthdays either, but got upset if I forgot hers!<br />
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Why not get a cake for all your birthdays and get your name on the top and the others below you. Be a sport by adding their names when you could have 'forgotten' them!<br />
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its not always easy to forgive and forget. but i agree that you shouldn't go to holiday dinners if you can help it. I dont plan on it and I am going to try to not have my children exposed to her. My hubby knows she is being hurtful but does not now nor has he ever stood up for me to his family. Good luck to you.

the same thing happens to me every year. my mil gives everyone giftcards and checks. i get half of what everyone else gets!! her son and daughter get $100 dollar gift cards and a little something extra. i get a 50 dollar check. she spends less on me than the kids!! i know it's not about the money but i always feel like she's showing that she doesnt think much of me by giving me half of what everyone else gets. it's embarrassing to open that in front of the entire family!! then they know how she feels about me. if your husband is ok with you not going with him then you shouldnt have to put yourself through it. maybe his family will realize how rude and hurtful they're being.

I agree...I would be hurt and angry, too. Mine give gifts but it's obvious that they feel it's their "duty" to give them. My birthday, my husband's birthday and my FIL's birthday are 7 days apart. My MIL always cooks a birthday dinner supposedly for the 3 of us but my name is always mistakenly left off the cake. My MIL also blames her age for this oversight....yeah, right!

This happened to me once with my mother in law...I of course took it personally like she was trying to let me know my place in her mind. I very cheerfully made a jokingly sarcastic comment when she called her son on his b-day which is 4 days after mine. "oh I see, of course your sons b-day is more memorable since you gave birth to him and not me!" laugh laugh laugh. (fake fake fake) She sent me a card this year and mentioned in it that I was loved too...and claimed that last year...she is calling memory loss, due to old age! Good luck..and if you attempt my bold playful comment..I hope it works out for you next year!

I think you hit the nail on the head. You have every right to be angry. The hardest part about dealing with my inlaws has been trying to get my husband to stand up for me the way I want him to. Try and let your husband know how much you need him to be shoulder to shoulder with you. Roll with the punches!