My Monster-in-law Came For a Visit.

Early Thursday morning the sun rose, the birds sang, and my monster-in-law came for a visit.  Out from a dank, dark cave - smelling vaguely of fat-back but mostly of old people - slimed a creature so evil, cantankerous, and crude that legend said if God crapped a cherry flavored lolly-pop with her name on it just for her everyday for a year she would still complain that it wasn't strawberry!   As my doorway was darkened I thought to myself "Don't worry.  She was an *** at our wedding but that's only because my family is normal and we all know that NORMAL human interaction is like Kryptonite to her kind.  It can't... no it won't be as bad with just me, my husband and the quivering mass of deaf jelly she calls her husband.  We'll just stay away from large crowds!"  Smile in the face of evil, right? 

Well, I listened to the stories of all the dead relatives I didn't know (but I'm apparently supposed too), and then she began in on home remedies and cure-alls (Did you know that if you get a fish bone stuck in your throat you should eat cotton balls?  Or how about the fact that vinegar can clean anything?  Yeah... anything... she must be trying it out as soap.) and then it was more dead relatives.  After that it was hours of dragging us all around town to comparison shop for useless stuff while constantly calling my husband by his brother's name.  You see, being such a great ugly wretch doesn't leave much room in her tiny brain for things like... oh... family or social skills.  Some stores we have to visit twice because, during the long drive across town to another store that she had heard might carry whatever she has fixated on and is sure that she needs, she has decided she wants two of whatever she got at the last store.  Don't worry " We can go by there on the way home". But... It's not on the way home and God Damn it!... we live right next to a Wal-Mart!  They have everything at Wal-Mart!!! After that it was how to eat healthy, you know vegetables and stuff.  Well, she never sees me eat them when she is around because I have to comfort eat to keep from cutting out her useless shriveled heart with the sharp, serrated kitchen knives they gave us a couple of years ago so I could, you know, learn cook something!

And there's the smell...  They weren't in the bedroom more than a couple of hours and they had it smelling .... just.... like..... them.  But, oh, they were raised on a farm.  They didn't bathe but once a week growing up... you know, 'cause they were farmers kids.  My father was a PIG FARMER and we bathed every day!  Sometimes TWICE a day!!!!!!!!

All of this is very annoying but it's the cleaning I really can't stand.  She doesn't say anything to me she just looks at me and reaches for a dish rag.  Well I'll Pine-sol my floor if you'll get more closely acquainted with some Irish Spring!  She rearranges my kitchen... people, I am 5 ft. tall... I put stuff where I can reach it.  I have a system.  The only problem is my system is completely wrong!  Had I but known!!!  Why would I ever need to be able to reach the glasses?  Or the plates, for that matter?

I hate my monster-in-law.....

feisty feisty
26-30, F
5 Responses Aug 6, 2007

It was lovely the way you wrote that, very amusing whilst at the same time very dry and sarcastic, it brought a smile to my face, whilst I was still able to feel abject sympathy for you. : )

Brilliantly put! You thought of writing a book?? You have exactly the same ironic wit my son has - only 18, tho! Still, you would be guaranteed a much better class of monster in law!!!

You're so creative in expressing your horrible plight with your MIL. I'm glad you can look at the situation with a sense a humor. Your MIL is missing out on knowing a very creative DIL who sounds like she would be much fun! Good luck.

I love the way you wrote this story. I wish i could make light like you. I agree with the comfort food. i have it stashed around the house when i have to deal with the antics of my mil who throws tantrums to get her way.

Ah I think your MIL and my MIL went to the same school of anti-social skills! At least you can make ligt of the situation...laughter really does help me get thru some of the crazier times with my MIL. God Bless and keep your head up!