My Husband's Obsession With Mommy

Here is the story:

My mother in law is 54 going on 24. She is osbessed with trying to act and dress like a teenager, a classic midlife crisis in the making. She is in a unhappy marriage. Had several children at a young age to quickly and is trying to recapture the youth she lost and in the process making my life with her youngest of four sons a living hell.

 I have moved across the country to be with my husband and his side of the family (Huge Mistake). I come from a very hospitable european family and upbringing that is extremely unselfish and giving. I cook, garden, sew, bake, do home repairs, speak several languages, and have a 6yr college degree. My mother in laws only talent in my eyes is prancing around in skin tight jeans found in the junior department of retail stores. In the 2.5 years that I have known her she has never even poured me or my husband a cup of coffee. She has never done anything that requires the use of your hands or mind. Yet my husband idolizes her.

She does not show me any respect as wife, a mother (we have a 5 month old child), or as a person. She is cold, unhospitable, short and rude when I'm alone with her, but extremely FAKE nice when my husband is around. She has never made any effort to know me even though I moved across the country and have no family or friends except them. She introduces me as "this is my son's wife" not this is my daughter in law as if I fell from outerspace or something.

She comes to the house unannounced, walks in and out of rooms as if she owns them. She calls my husband on his cell phone not the house phone, she consults with him about our son as if I am not in the picture.

On our wedding day she said nothing to the reference of how I looked, about the reception that my parents forked 100% of the bill for. She nor her husband never even thanked my parents for all the hard work they had done. They didn't even seem appreciative. My mother handmade my dress and all the flower arrangements on all the tables...

On my sons christening she took my son out of the handmade outfit that my mother made him and put him in a sleeper jersey outfit within the first 10 minutes reaching the reception lunch.

She makes comments about superficial things such as clothes, houses, how good someone looks. She never has anything of importance to speak of - no depth to conversations. She has never truly appreciated me for my talents and skills. She makes me feel like her son took me off the streets and I should be so lucky that he married me.

I have more talent in my pinky than that woman has in her whole size 1 obsessed figure. I complain to my husband about her, about the way she makes me feel, to the lack of effort she makes. A mother is a mother always and forever in my mind. She in my eyes is not a motherly at all, its almost as if she had kids now that they are over 18, she's done.

My problem is this unusual pull/hold she has on my husband. He idolizes her. He had the nerve to tell me after our son's christening that the reason I don't like his mother is because she is a beautiful woman with a beautiful body. That comment alone floored me and disgusted both of my parents (who act their age and are happily living together). I modeled up until I was 24 and now at 31 after having a baby I have 22lbs added to my frame I need to loose. I would hardly call myself overweight and unattractive. In addition I am a talented woman, God knows when the last time my MIL made a meal or washed a pair a socks for my husband. Yet he praises her and makes me out to be the villian when I tell him about the way she makes me feel.

He does not confront her. He does not stand up for me when I am disrespected or when my personal spaces is invaded. I have moved across the country leaving family, friends, and a city I love for a man who is still fighting for mommy's affection instead of embracing his wifes. I am truly at a standstill because my husband has choosen to embrace his extended family i.e mother over his immediate family his wife and his 5 month old son.

puskovac puskovac
21 Responses Feb 26, 2009

I can fully appreciate the mommy hold you speak of. You sound like an exceptional woman and your MIL should be grateful that her child has found a capable partner who can enhance his life and be an amazing role model and mother to her grandbaby.

I am so glad that im not the only one that is with a mommy's boy. My writing may not be the best because im on my phone writing this and it hurts my fingers. I can't even tell you guys all the stuff she has done. But let me just say she is 65 and had 2 kids with her second husband and had 2 kids(my fience is one of them) with her 3rd husband. She lies to people about her age and says she is in her 40s. Now one thing I should tell you is someone in his family slept with there mom all the time and it was a messed up situation. But anywaysumy fience's mom is getting a divorce from her third husband and while he was in his senior year(2 years ago) she always asked him to stay home with her. He never graduated. I talked him into getting his ged at least. She and him still have a special day of the week they hang out and when ever im with him at night at his house they watch movies and stupid shows untill midnight. They love to be with each other and don't work. When we were talking about moving out and being on our own in a couple of years she started having a melt down and freaking out. And im always the one to blame. I feel like she will always be his number one and I will always be his second choice. I just wished he was on my side and stood up for me.

This is so close to my story.My MIL has been divorced for fifteen years. She barely worked when she was married and has no sense of what things cost. Since the divorce, she has not saved for her retirement (despite the regular monthly financial assistance from my husband).<br />
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After the divorce, my husband had no help (financial or otherwise) from his parents. If not for his friends, he would have been homeless and on the streets the day he got his first job (like the movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness"). His parents financially assisted his younger brother...... Today, my husband is very successful.<br />
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She has been manipulating my husband for years, under the pretense of poverty, but she has been using the money for Chanel tights, Estee Lauder cremes, Opera and theatre tickets, expensive perfumes, and other frivolous items.<br />
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Fortunately, she lives overseas.Unfortunately and worse yet, she has no emotional boundaries. She calls when she can't sleep, worries about her love life (she has received multiple marriage proposals but constantly rejects men), etc.<br />
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In addition, she has no sense of personal space or boundaries. She goes through all my things, touches all my personal possessions, jumps on my bed.... It's a living nightmare.<br />
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The last year, I have been working full-time to put myself through grad school. I even interviewed for a job in West Africa (and got the offer) because of my desire to pay off my student loans.<br />
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She came for Christmas and she wanted to wear clothes like mine and she stole my perfume and helped herself to my beauty supplies. Now that we are married, it is even more creepy, she dresses like me (almost identically), and wants jewelry like me. <br />
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She told me I was fat (I am a size 6 and height/weight proportionate.) She is a size 0, never eats, and an alcoholic.<br />
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At Christmas, she said she was too cold, refused to wear adequate clothing to keep warm and pumped up our heat and I got physically exhausted from the heat.I was furious! Did this woman have ANY idea the cost of anything?<br />
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At our wedding rehearsal dinner hosted at our house, I was exhausted. She refused to wear anything but lace and I was over-heated from a lack of air-conditioning.<br />
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At our wedding and she stole my wedding flowers for herself, she deliberately stepped on my wedding dress, she almost destroyed my wedding flowers, and asked if she could put my wedding linens (linens that have been in my family for generations) in the washing machine.<br />
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After the wedding she exploded and violently PUSHED my husband and yelled, "I am never mean!!""<br />
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One of our overseas wedding guests took us to a restaurant and she had a meltdown at the restaurant because it was TOO COLD. (Her vanity is ridiculous, she refuses to dress appropriately. My husband bought her an expensive down jacket to keep her warm, but she would never wear it.)<br />
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evil incarnate.

I have just been having a discussion with my husband and though is mothe is now dead he is going over history and has said several times tonight that his mother was beautifu l and how could his father not have fallen in love with her. She was not beautiful but he has been brainwashed by her somehow into keeping saying that. She ruined him into the spoilt short tempered person he is who has to have his own way. I am quite concerned that even after my husbands' mothers death he can keep talkng that way about her. Its as if he will never come out from under her dominance.

If you are so talented and intelligent why are not able to or willing to conceive that even though she is not "motherly" to you she is his MOTHER. The only mother he will ever have.

Supportive like minded responses are not going to help you because there are quite a lot of errors in your perspective.

You seem to be stuck in a narcissistic loop that adds ideas of grandeur to your importance. You are indeed his wife. But she, his father, and his sibling(s) were his family decades before you came along. If you push and pull at him with the attitude that his devotion to his mother is an "obsession" you will end up separated and divorced somewhere down the line as it never ends at just one unreasonable demand.

He can and should confront her, but I think you need to confront your unhealthy, irregular attitude as well. His mother is there to stay. When you married him you married the family. Deal with it. Or don't and reap what you sow.

fiance' of Artemis: Look, Puskovac is the in the right of this one and the law of averages-the majority discerns the truth by observation, confirms that if you read below. It seems there's a generational band of mother's with an unusual degree of attachment to their kids. My mother has practically called Artemis the antichrist at this point to make her point; guess what, life has a cycle. You have a kid, raise them, they go distal for a decade or so, then come back with a family that wants to spend more time with granmere et granpere then they do with the parents; rinse, lather, repeat, done & done.
In the end, the responsibility lands on the head of the child of the offending parent; I'm dealing with my mother because it's my responsibility as her child. Puskovac's husband may be superman otherwise, but I agree: "man-up ***** willow, you've got a lady now and you have to do right by either side of the fence, however the balance strikes."

Wow. I literally joined JUST to reply to this "answer". Quite frankly, it sounds as if you're one of those "mothers" who does the same thing. I didn't see her have some poor attitude. Did you not read she moved across the country to live with him and his family. First off, the bible DOES state a man will cleave his family for his wife. Id love to know what world you live in. It is incredibly weird how he comments on his mothers body. Id like to think he sounds enmeshed with her. Since you're so smart, why don't you look that term up. There is no justification for how this old bimbo is treating her. And really, it sounds as if the "mother" is the one with the horrible attitude. Idc how old this post is, what is right is right. If a woman raises her son right, he wouldn't be treating his own mother like his mistress. It's people like you who justify these mothers raising their sons to be their stand in husbands. Its people like you why society is so feeble minded. It is people like you who enjoy their 30+ year old sons up their behind, because mommy said so. If you do have a son, or sons, I feel extremely bad for their wives and gfs. Lol... smh o_O

Well you should not be replying if you don't have anything nice to say first of all; and second you don't understand what it feels like.

First thing first, you will need to find a way to move your family away from our mother-in law. It is fine if she calls but you want to have limited in-person contact with both yourself, your child and your husband. Second, you can tell your husband (if he chooses and most likely he will) that he can go visit his family on the holidays but you will choose to go every so often. He loves you and will miss you. Although you are not forcing him to make a choice right away. You are forcing him to grow up and see that you are independent and life will go one without him if he doesn't grow up.

Unfortunately, I am married to a momma's boy as well and think it is sad that older women treat their son's in such a disabling and selfish way . . . as to not let them go and enjoy life with their wife. Most of it comes from the mother-in-law not being happy in her own situation and using their sons as a crutch. I know from this experience you won't be like that to your own son since you know how it feels and how damaging it can be.

I wish I could've liked this a 100 times. I'm in the same boat. Mommy is 50, expects her children, especially my fiancee to "take care of her". This is a healthy woman. She preys on 20 year olds bc she's a "cougar", she spends her money on getting her hair, and nails. She is a shoppoholic. She hangs in bars, she doesn't work, and expects MY fiancee to flip the bills. 2 1/2 years ... I struggled while he took care of her. I don't expect much from him, but it isn't fair. She doesn't act like a mom, and honestly, it seems as if she competes with me, whether it is intentional or not. I get along with her, but I also refuse to hide how I feel to him. Its not my job to tell her to grow the hell up. Sick of her guilt trips she puts on him, I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one who gives a damn about him, and what he has. She drained him so bad... to the point he didn't even have his own socks.. he was too broke from "taking care of her". I cut the whole paying her bills bs real quick after he couldn't afford to fix hus own car.. although I think he sneaks her money still.. ill wait til I have proof to call that out. She plays sick, or is in soooo much pain when he doesn't give her his attention. She's overly dramatic, she's almost gotten my future husband into fights over her "bfs". God.. I'm getting to the point I wannt to go... and far farrr away.

Your husband needs to grow up and act like a man and put his wife before his Mother and grow a pair of balls. It had for men to do I know I had a Mother that it was all about her, always with the poor me syndrone. He has to set boundries and let her know he is in control in his home and dont come around if you are going to act like an idiot.
Put you foot down and demand that he grow up, she will responde to it if he takes control and does not let his Mother run the show. I feel for you Aquadoc

I am so sorry to hear this. I am not married but I am in the same situation. No matter what I say to my love I am the villian and he lets his mother do what ever she wants to do. It is driving us apart and he doesn't care. She calls herself mommy to our child and doesn't care that she makes me feel bad and knows that she has taken the feeling of being a first time mother away from me. Her son praises her for everything and pts me down anytime Italk to him abot her. Praying for those that have cases like me.

Hi. My mother in law acts like a 12 years old when I tell her don't say something to my kids cause they make them upset (common sense) she puts that stupid long face and tells my husband stuff about me in front of me on his ear , I think she is Baby Jane, dresses like a teenage and walk around with gym clothes all day.I used to go to the mall with her but I'm done with that, I feel embarrassed cause she usually take a shower before the gym not after so she smells like sweat all day.she wears excessive make up and have big ugly dry hair.fucsia fake nails.fucsia lipstick.she leave lipsticks marks in the cups, and on my kids of course.Makes me puke inside my mouth. She copy everything I do.more disturbing, she steal my phrases and uses them in front of me with other people like they are her thoughts.she talk with the same high pitch tone I have but mine it's natural. She tells me how much she likes to cook (cause I do) but I can see she is not honest.i told her me and her son never go out to eat , I cook every day, and she say "me too ", while her husband say "you are crazy " I know for real they go out all the time but the point it's not that ,why she have to lie in my face? I call her "caribbean tacky baby Jane" I have tree trunks legs and soccer pla<x>yer knees but there she goes and buy me a white mini skirt.i am in more black motorcycle leather jacket side of life.i think I'm going to get a tattoo just to make her faint. Did I say she is 67 and wear bikini? time I have to told her in private she was coming out of the water and her fucsia strapless bikini (yeah electric pink)let her see her pubic hair and her nipples.she told me its sand...come on sand shape like hair...oh I'm going to a little fat having 2 beautiful kids and I cover myself cause I'm shy.well she tells me take of your clothes you cover so much.(i think sexy is not how many clothes you take off)..she thinks opposite .yep she wears Victoria secret super sexy bras showing her boobs.she thinks she looks hot.she is super skinny but with a leathery wrinkly face .she loves to be tan .i am so tired of tolerate done. No going to stay away and avoid contact with that woman. Just courtesy when necessary.

she sounds alot like my mother in law you know what i did i sat back and let her act like a fool all the time and my husband finally realizes what a looser his mom is and no matter how angry this woman made me i would always keep a huge smile on my face now she does not even come around which is great i have 3 kids i have been with my husband for 20 years she has run around with alot of men she left her abusive husband when she was 38 and my husband ran the streets at a very young age because she was always in the street looking for men and her other son left with her mom because he had diabetis and my mother in law was not taking care of him properly so at age 41 she got pregnant and now that child is 18 and the baby father left because my mother in law is a crazy and evil she never taken care of my kids or even ask she treats them like there not even family shes very negative and fake we have a house and are all healthy thank god she should just be happy and have an open heart to her grandchildren because she is 60 years old now and has done nothing for her family to help us we have done everything on our own and now she is alone and when she needs something i will not help karma is a ***** what comes around goes around.

Oh dear god.. My boyfriends mom treats him like a baby! He had a stuffy nose and she was leaving and she was like " here I put food in the Oven if he gets hungry and make him tea and blah blah" first off I am not a babysitting he can do it himself. She asked me one night what I think of her son if I ever would leave.. Next morning she told him I was hesitant there for I am going to leave him for a more handsome man. She tells me all this stuff to do otherwise I'll get ugly. She thinks she's the best person and puts everyone down. She isn't American but says how Americans are weak and stupid when clearly I'm a American. My boyfriend can stand naked in front of her which disturbs me.. He is 18 and she tells him to stop having sex with me or he will loose his ***** cells when he hits his twenties. How dumb. I grew up a a very young age to young.. And very independent.. So this obsession with his crazy mom who acts like he's two ****** me off.

Hey Ladies, hearing to all your stories and the subtle humor to get away with it has made me want to share mine too. Even though there are a lot of small issues with my MIL too ba<x>sed on her claims to be a superwoman but few things have really made me cringe since I happen to be highly qualified but a more understanding individual w.c. to her. I am pretty recently married but now living away from my husband since my MIL spies us in the night (what with my mommy obsessed hubby forcing me to keep bedroom open for that pervert woman) and even restricts my husband from coming close to me or getting physically intimate by showing me in a bad light all the time, you can understand how bad that is. All this is happening since she wants my husband to divorce me saying I did not tell him about my hypothyroid condition before marriage and that it will make me useless for him on account of infertility, which is not so correct since my drs have agreed that there is no physical problem with me in this matter. I am so desperate to let my husband see the truth with his own eyes that I wish my MIL to die of a heart attack at this very instant! I am just hanging in there waiting for God to make my life better since everything else seems to have stopped working. But I hope that no other girl gets such a monster-in-law of a person ever in her life...

"the reason I don't like his mother is because she is a beautiful woman with a beautiful body" i know how disgusting this cud be heard from hubby. my hubby thinks that his mom is beautiful for her age. But this doesnt come from sensible judgement... trust some one commented u cant blame your hubby for this. the MILS always talk about their beauty infront of their son.. my mil done this many times ..its years of preaching! my mil would say "see my skin how shiny it is...see my face how should not use such products you should not eat such things...i never had...thats why i look like this" imagine a 27year old man listen this preaching since he was 10. now at the age of 60 she will look awfully ugly even with that extra splash of cosmetics and awful dressing sense. but she is the beauty queen for your hubby. :(

I understand what you're dealing with, as I am dealing with the same. My future mil has gauddy nails, bleached hair, seems to think she's some bad *** biker chick.. she preys on 20yr olds.. saying she's a cougar. She's overly dramatic, wears tight clothes w her basketball boobs hanging out. But to my man, she's soooooooo beautiful inside and out. It is bs. I did modeling in my time, got paid to entertain various figures. But she's just so beautiful!! Pretends to be sick, or in pain, or always has some bs going on with someone or something. I'm not saying I hate her.. but I do see through her. She's raised him to be enmeshed. He needs help...

i understand u...i have seen this in life

She sounds like a real *****. I am going through the exact same thing with my fiance. I am pretty, smart, opinonated and witty and my mother in law hates me. I am getting my BS in psychology and she is resentful because she is too stupid to go to school. I can ask her something about politics and she is clueless, while her husband and I rant and rave about the government. She has to be the center of attention, and she is such an f**ng priss. She calls me fat and makes fun of my tattoos and gauged ears. This ***** has never done real work in her life, and when my kids were born my son had something minor wrong with him, perfectly fine now, but she said it was because I didnt take care of him. If I could get away with killing this woman I would, and no matter what she does my fiance NEVER takes up for me, hes such a wimp. Every time he doesnt take up for me, I treat him really bad and make him cry (not hard). She has made me an evil person and I wish she would get hit by a car.

She sounds like a real *****. I am going through the exact same thing with my fiance. I am pretty, smart, opinonated and witty and my mother in law hates me. I am getting my BS in psychology and she is resentful because she is too stupid to go to school. I can ask her something about politics and she is clueless, while her husband and I rant and rave about the government. She has to be the center of attention, and she is such an f**ng priss. She calls me fat and makes fun of my tattoos and gauged ears. This ***** has never done real work in her life, and when my kids were born my son had something minor wrong with him, perfectly fine now, but she said it was because I didnt take care of him. If I could get away with killing this woman I would, and no matter what she does my fiance NEVER takes up for me, hes such a wimp. Every time he doesnt take up for me, I treat him really bad and make him cry (not hard). She has made me an evil person and I wish she would get hit by a car.

I have problems with my boyfriend's mum. Like you said LizBeth, my bf's mum is not a nasty person. But my bf is clearly obsessed with her. She involves herself in everything that we do and interferes to such an annoying degree. There are so many stories to tell that I can't even start, but the things I have to put up with are making me lose my mind. My bf is 34, I am only 20. When I met my bf he told me he had been kicked out of his flat and had to move back in with his mum temporarily. I went along with it because I though at his age he would be independent and his mum would by now have backed off completely. How wrong I was. <br />
Recently my bf blew up the engine on his car, we put it into a garage and waited 4 the verdict. When the garage called and said that it would cost £4000 to fix, my bf literally sprinted into the other room and wailed onto his mum about what had happened, leaving me sitting in the lounge totally ignored. He completely bypassed my advice until his mum happened to agree with me and in a snap he agreed it was the best advice. <br />
I made a romantic meal for my bf with candles & happened to tell his mum that I planned 2 do this 4 him. Guessed who sat next to my bf, snuggled up at the table with him crashing on our dinner. <br />
I was in the shower with the bf the other morning when his mum started saying something outside the door. My bf CALLED her in, stood in front of her butt NAKED while she finished what she had to say. I was mortified. <br />
We were cuddling in bed one afternoon, we heard his mum open the door downstairs, meaning she was home from work. My bf leapt out of bed and sprinted down the stairs to say hi to her. <br />
I have asked my boyfriend about moving out and finding our own place. He says he would rather live with his mum so that he was paying off her mortgage rather than somebody elses (through rent payments). He says we'll move away and buy a place together when I finish college in June but I just can't see he would be happy to move away from mummy.

I've had issues with my MIL, however it was the pure opposite. She is very European (italian) She come over to my house to cook, clean, re-arrange, and basically tell me how to be a parent to my children (we have 2 children) and does not allow me to be the mom.<br />
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My husband never says anything to her, I think he is afraid of her and obeys her. In all honesty my mother in law is Not a bad person, she means well, but she can't seem to stop being so pushy and involved.<br />
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However,your case is very different because you seem to be one who is very domesticated and your Mother In Law is not which is not the common From what you are stating from above your mother in law has martial problems, aneroxic disorder, and having difficulties coming to terms getting older. Like you said she is having a midlife crisis and its unfortunate that your husband does not see this. It sounds like she needs help. She is controlling your husband because she can't control the things in her life.<br />
Your mother in law loves her son, she doesn't reach out to you and ignores you because she is threatened. My mother law is not threatened by me she can do a lot of things better than me. Your mother in law dislikes your talents makes her feel less of a woman so all she can do is disrespect you in other ways by positioning herself against you using your husband. Its not right but whats she doing. Your husbands needs to spend less time being a son and more time being a hisband and father.<br />
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Your husband has to be aware of what is going on with his mother, its hard to accept it he was raised to obey respect his mom regardless of flawes. He doesn't respect you, his wife and the mom of his child. that comment that you wrote he made about his moms body YUCK ^^^ that gross!!!Your husband need to go to counseling get some help. If he don't change You may find yourself in a divorce raising your child by yourself. Let your husband take his mommy shopping for her skin tight jeans.

I put up with the same subtle garbage from my jealous mother-in-law for 33 years. Then her passive-aggressive, conflict avoidant son (made that way by her) suddenly abandoned me without ever saying he was unhappy about anything (she never allowed any dissent in her home), divorced me, took up with a married woman in his office, is trying to leave me in poverty on the property settlement, and pretty much stole half my life. They call this a midlife crisis and I believe it is 100% predictable in men who were raised by old ******* like her. <br />
My advice?<br />
When you meet a guy's Mom get a real good feel for how controlling she is. Notice if she is subtle and gets her hostility in in that nasy-nice way behind his back. If she is such a like matter how much you think you love him. Or, you will end up like me living a long-term lie with a man who can never be really true to anyone but dear old Mommy. She WILL win in the end unless you are fortunate enough that she kicks the bucket early on. I was not fortunate<br />
Sign me<br />
Starting over at 62 (while the 85 year old monster-in-law is still going strong and continuing to screw up those of her children who will allow it.)

My husband is also obsessed with my inlaws and I have always been at the bottom of his list of favorites.<br />
i have been with him for more than twenty years and I am dying to see the day that either his mother kicks the bucket or I divorce him. Believe me your husband will continue to be obsessed with his mother and you will never measure up to him like she does. Dont waste your time with someone who belittles you and makes ludicrous comments to the mother of his children.<br />
He's crap and he doesnt deserve you. Like me you will regret your wasted years on rubbish people like this.<br />
Live your life with your child and get out of this rut.

Oh Dear ... Many of us daughter in laws have Mothers who wait until their son's back is turned to dish out lavish servings of hostility. Unfortunately it took 5 years until my hubby realised what his mother was up to. He has never said a word to her. <br />
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Forthunately my MiL chose to retire a few hours drive from us, so we only see her occasionally. Hubby goes to visit alone. None of my girls are particiularly fond of her so rarely go to see her. <br />
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To be honest people only see what they want to see. And he sees an aestatically pleasing Mum. Remember he was raised to believe this is the most important thing by her. You can't blame him for behaving as he has been raised to behave. He needs time to learn. <br />
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Rise above your MiL. You could try being nice to her, offer to teach her to make a nice meal, or something like that. let hubby discover the truth for himself, whilst you look angelic.<br />
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As for your weight, it sounds to me that you are now curvy. Celebrate this by wearing clothes that accentuate your womanly figure. Let hubby realise he has a fab sexy wife, even if she's not a size zero.<br />
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Good Luck <br />