Is It Her Or Me?

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and we moved in together exactly one year ago. We live about 1 hour from his parents.

His mom is not very happy about this, to say the least. She is beyond controlling and is increasingly getting more and more difficult to deal with.

My first red flag was when my boyfriend and I planned to go to the Bronx Zoo together one Saturday. Prior to that weekend, his mom kept asking "Can't me and your dad visit? Can't we see eachother?" (after they just saw eachother the previous weekend) and he said no, as my boyfriend and I weren't seeing each other that much due to work and such. So what happens? We go to the zoo, and one of us looks at one of our cell phones, only to see like 12 missed calls. Immediately I think something awful happened to one of his parents, so we call back. What happens? His mom showed up to the zoo! My boyfriend flipped out on her explaining that we were NOT going to spend the day with her, and he just felt awful and beyond embarrassed because he knows no one in my family would ever do that to us.

Since this was our first year living together, I thought it would be nice if my boyfriend and I hosted Thanksgiving. So we invited his family and mine. The whole day his mother kept grabbing him and kissing him and hugging him and it made me and my family sick to our stomachs. She just doesn't know how to let go. My boyfriend was the cook that day, so he kept having to pry her hands off of him and the whole day was filled with "I miss you" "I love you so much. Do you miss me?" Ugh. My family just felt so awkward.

Christmas was the worst though. Traditionally my family celebrates the holiday more on Christmas Eve than we do on Christmas, so I agreed we could spend Christmas Eve with my family and then Christmas with his. We literally got to my boyfriend's parents house on Christmas morning at 7am. The whole day his mom was trying to prolong things, like opening gifts or having dinner, etc. She had it in her head that we were going to spend the whole weekend there or something, which just was NOT going to happen. She knew this weeks in advance too. But what did she do? All day we kept hearing "Oh please spend the night. Please? It's my only Christmas wish. I set your old bedroom up all nice for you." We did not get out of his parents house until 10pm that night. It was the worst Christmas of my life. The whole day I was totally ignored by her. I just sat and talked with his dad, who is the most wonderful guy ever.

That is another reason why I don't get along with her. My boyfriend's dad has cancer. He's the greatest guy. He goes above and beyond for his wife. He buys her whatever she wants, he goes to her job to clean the snow off of her car when it snows so that she won't have to, he brings her lunch, he drives her EVERYWHERE (she only drives to and from work). So this man does everything for her. But what did she do to her husband on his birthday?! She made her husband drive her, my boyfriend, and I 45 minutes away to go to some breakfast place that SHE wanted to go to while it was snowing. God forbid she lets her husband pick where he wants to go for HIS own birthday. And what did she do to me when we were there? Her exact words were "Ohh, Christina (that's me), instead of offerring to pay for breakfast this morning, why don't you just let Brian (my boyfriend) spend the night back home with me and his dad?" So automatically I am speechless and think "Are you kidding me?" and my boyfriend gets pissed off and tells her how rude she is being and that the question shouldn't be directed at me and that we are not going to spend the night, much to her disfaction.

She is just becoming increasingly mean as well. My last visit with her she completely ignored me. She said hello and then goodbye. The time in between was spent telling my boyfriend how much she loves him and misses him and how lonely she is. She recently told my boyfriend that she no longer wants me to come visit because she wants more "quality" and "family" time with just him. He is obviously outraged and said that is never going to happen, that I am a part of the family now, and she needs to learn to deal with it.

She never uses anything I buy her. I've gotten her countless books, things for the kitchen, things she could use on herself (like foot spas), gift certificates, etc. all to see them sit there and go to waste. I got her this adorable snow man around Christmas time. It was just a small decorative one to put in the living room or something. But when I got there with my boyfriend on Christmas, where was it? In the garage in the garbage. My boyfriend had to yell at her, take the snowman out, and put it in the living room and tell her how rude she is being and that is going to stay in the living room.

I have tried everything I could. I have tried being really nice to her and making her always feel welcomed and stuff, but nothing seems to be working. I've tried giving her and my boyfriend some space and "alone time" but no amount of time is ever enough for her. My boyfriend had to go visit her this past weekend and sit her down and tell her she has to stop all of this craziness, but I don't think it's sinking in. All she could say is that she "somewhat" likes me and just wants more "family time" which is just crazy. She is just pushing my boyfriend further and further away from her, which makes me sad. I just want us all to get along, but I don't think that is possible.

Any suggestions or ideas? Am I just crazy and taking things to personally? 

oohhnodisaster oohhnodisaster
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 2, 2009

Something is wrong with her not you. It is hard having to deal with a husband who has cancer but it still doesn't give her the right to treat you or anyone else like sh*t. There's definitely something wrong with her head. My mother-in-law also talks shi*t about everyone especially my family. She did so much sh*t to me and I decided to cut her off from my family. My husband and I doesn't allow her to see any of our kids and she's never met my second one and will never meet our third one on the way. You just have to avoid negative people like her. And no matter what you do, she'll never be pleased with you, so why bother? Just focus on your husband and your new baby. Pay her the debt when you're able to so she can stop b*tching about it. I just can't believe she expects you to send her the money knowing your family situation. Anyway, good luck to you and your family. Her behavior is inexusable. It doesn't matter what kind of stress, or life changing situations she's dealing with. It doesn't give her the right to treat you like crap.

I'm not pretending to be a psychiatrist, but I have worked in the mental health field for about 5 years and judging by what you said she really isn't right in the head. It sounds to me with the husband having cancer perhaps she is just very very scared and its coming out in thiese behaviors. She seems to be very clingy because she wants a close relationship with her son, but doesn't know how to do that as a mature adult. I think your BF needs to have a talk with her, like "I love you, I miss you when I am gone, me being in a relationship doesn't mean I value ours less." Then the two of you need to set boundaries and stick to them. No matter what happens, she will probably be a little off, she sounds like she really would benefit from therapy, so try not to take it personally.