Hi Guys,

I am new to this space and really am anxious on sharing my experience with you buddies on my first day here.

So to begin with I would like to give you guys a background on me. I have always grown up a middle class family with my parents not being an ideal couple and mom complaining about Dad. When I completed my education I shifted with my job and found freedom from all my anxiety. There I met this nerdy guy who was like me introvert but had amazing self confidence. He took a liking to me and convinced me into marrying him against my parents will. This whole experience was emotional drain for me and when we got married I felt this is the end for it and I could live again.

But I totally forgot that I was faking myself and now had to deal with a bigger issue a.k.a THE MOTHER IN LAW. For starters my MIL is a total control freak and she controlls almost everything. She practically chose my wedding dress which I saw on my wedding day. I was the bride who saw her attire jewellary and hairdo as surprise. She ruined my wedding day by hiding all details of wedding from me and my parents. Every ritual was last moment surprise. But I floated through it and thought it was just her wishes for her sons marriage. Anyways I didnt have much options as my parents didnt exactly support my wedding except for being present there on the D-day.

So after marriage and all the stupid rituals we returned back to our jobs(We stay away from my in laws). But I couldn't let go of the trauma I had during the whole "marriage" experience. I was always sad about how my wedding was not the best day in my life and secretly wishing my parents and brother reconcile with me. There were no happy days. No honeymoon as I had drained all money on my wedding shopping and for rental deposit of our new flat. So there was no silver lining for a while. After the marriage my husband who always was a mummas boy turned to be more addited to his mother as she arranged our marriage when my parents stepped out. He also tried putting me under the guilt that my parents didnt support me and it worked like charm on me. So we spent many days being upset on each other as we couldnt understand each other any more. I kept feeling like I made the biggest mistake marrying him and fighting my parents was like neem juice coating on bitter gourd. Whenever I would mention my parents my hubby would flip out.

After 2 months my Brother in law quit his job and started staying with us. That was end to our somewhat happy time. And after that I was only expected to be perfect sis in law and do everything as expected by my MIL. SHe would instruct me on how to do dishes and how to cook food, what to cook, etc. and my BIL was the spy who would transfer all house stories to her including occasionally bad cooking and my fights with my hubby.

Because of my MIL's interference, my marriage got worst and I felt like seriously love is dying between me and my husband. I would cry all night and would wake up with swollen eyes. After few months my MIL actually turned to my house to stay with us for 2 months. My MIL also has slight OCD for cleanliness. She would force me to wash hands and vegies with tide bar before cooking as she thinks its best way to kill all germs. She would me make me clean everything before going to job and after coming from job. That included washing the kitchen platform and stove with tide bar and rinsing it off. My life was pratically hell with her taunting me all the time and she would do it sarcastically so that it would hurt me but nobody else can understand. When I would try to discuss it with hubby, he would flip on me saying its her way. This is the way it has been going on since then. I have been bearing it for a long time now and playing along because my husband is a nice and caring person. I have created a virtual world around me where I have tricked myself into thinking my in laws like me and I always do everything to make them happy by cheating my wishes in between.

I dont know where this is going. It was not ideally how I felt about being married. I cant share it with my parents as they always pick on me saying i Was the one who fought to get married and its my punishment. Once in sarcasm, my MIL said that she is the reason we are married and should she desire my hubby will leave me for her. That has like scarred me and I know in my heart its true. If I oppose my MIL on her face she would pick a fight and stop talking. My husband will start being upset in front of me and crying and i will again be in guilt mode forcing me to do as she wishes. I am really tired playing this part. Now my MIL wants a baby. I dont know how to bring a life in this mess which I am not able to handle.

My condition is still same and its been two years since my marriage. I tried everything but things are not getting any better. She is getting more and more dominating and now she is stuffing my house with all items from her house whih she doesnt use like electric oven of 70's style. Its all useless stuff and stuffing my house. Now that we are planning to buy a new house, she has renovated her house and wants that old furniture to be moved here. I dont know what to do. I tried all solutions. Confronting my hubby. DOesnt work. Speaking up to MIL. She ends up picking fights. Dont know what to do. I know my husband loves me because if I m upset it affects him but dont know how to turn situation around. Now my MIL is packing old bedsheets and blankets with us while she buys branded quilts and sofa sets. I dont want my husband to break his ties but want some other solution. We are already staying away from them. We visit them twice a year and they come to my house for 1-2 months once a year. And in remaining period I am expected to call my MIL atleast once every 2 days or my husband gets upset. I am trying to get her to like me but I am not fully succeeding.
troubledDIL2012 troubledDIL2012
26-30, F
7 Responses Aug 27, 2014

Let me tell you one funny thing: people who know me, always told me I am a role model of patience. At the beginning, this statement flattered me but as the time went by, it became more and more a burden.
About 10 years ago when I first visited a therapist - alone because my husband proudly stated that he does not need one - he (therapist) told me that I give myself too much. I did not quite understand that because I was too naive and was still thinking that the more you give the more you get. Unfortunately I was not giving, I was serving, every thought, every step to please my mil and my husband and I did not see that I completely shut off myself, my personal needs. Before each of my even simplest actions of life I subconsciously checked would that suit them both.
In my opinion you are now in the same state I was in. Believe me, I experienced that, this kills your soul.
Let this post be what my therapist┬┤s sentence was for me at the beginning: a trigger to crave for more knowledge and awareness. It is a long way because it assumes a total change of your mind, but if you evolve you will remain sane and your mil and your husband will survive without any damage.
Read, write, share your experiences, if possible you go to the therapist, start your social life again - friends are necessary in your life.
I wish you all the best.

Is it totally wrong to wish being happy? I have faced similar MIL issues and feel that everytime we struggle to fight for self we are made to feel guilty and selfish.

Wishing happiness is totally normal and since suchlike mils or other persons are irreparably unhappy, they do not want others to be happy.
Happiness is for them unnatural order of things and they will do everything to bring THEIR order in "on" mode.
That is the reason why they do impossible things, make impossible demands on others and make a mess out of everybody┬┤s life, to preserve constant unhappiness.

You and your husband deserve to be happy, there is no reason against it, you married each other not her, though she acts as if she got freshly married. But that is her problem, not yours, you cannot be responsible / guilty for her unfulfilled life and her emptiness. = What would you do with a 5 year old child who had constant unreasonable demands? Would you allow him everything or just things appropriate for his age?

So true. But what surprises me is they do everything by their desires and pushes other to suppress theirs. For eg. my MIL is very superstitious and pushes me to do as she wishes and she gives the excuse that it will bring happiness to her son. No matter how upset or sad I am my hubby always want her to be happy. I seriously desire I was not married. After marriage I gave up all my social conections to be with my husband and now I am all alone. Also my MIL says she had to sacrifice and adjust to be in her place. So its now my time to sacrifice and prove worth of it. I have never heard such things anywhere except in TV.

troubled, You are young enough to make different choices for yourself and still have a wonderful life and a very happy family one day. Tell yourself that every day. Day dream about that happy, wonderful life so much that it starts to become a reality by the way you think and conduct yourself. Become that deserving person in your mind and miracles can start to happen around you.

After being through a difficult MIL situation myself recently, and I'm much older than you, I realised that my outer world is a reflection of my inner world. I didn't respect myself enough to NOT let my MIL and my partner's dysfunctional 'bond' have a very big negative impact on my life. Then, even after it all happened and MIL was removed from my life totally, I didn't respect myself enough to know I'd won my life back, to let go of the anger and get on with it. I simmered for a year over something that I had control over all along, through the way I conduct myself and the way I think. We choose our thoughts. We can choose empowering ones.

Your parents could never role model the 'happy marriage' for you and by the sounds of your MIL I think your husband's parents probably didn't do much to show their son what 'happy' looks like either.

Ask your husband if he wants a happy marriage. If he does, then it's up to you both (not his or your parents) to make that happen. It takes work. There is no place for parents in their children's marriage. Your husband should be willing to give the marriage a chance by letting it breathe and grow without the influence of his mom. A therapist may be able to help you both get there together, as a team. If you don't have a team, you don't have a marriage. And don't let your parents make you feel guilty about that, after all they didn't find happy either did they? Had they role modelled what self respect looked like, you might not have run into a marriage without getting all the cultural details you needed to understand what you'd be up against. These challenges can be gifts in disguise, if we come out of them with stronger, happier marriages or, alternatively as strong and healthy individuals looking back on the storm we just walked out of.

Sending much love to you, and wishes for this time in your life to be about your personal strengthening and growth.

This is really too much to endure. I am sorry you have to deal with a mil of that kind.

But please stop pleasing others! I know it is easier said than done, but make the first steps. Pleasing others, especially those who do not deserve, takes you nowhere: it is never enough. And you are forgetting the most important person: yourself.

As for your alleged "mistakes" towards your parents, they are not mistakes. People make various steps in life, some are clumsy, some are not. It is not the end of the world.

Your husband is weak and I do not mean that as a judgement, it is just the fact. He is weak because he knows no other way. You will have to show/say/convince him that marriage is between you and him. This is not the happiest fact of life, but some men need to be pushed until they start, just like a car. I do not mean by that you should be his second mother (this must be avoided), but there are moments in life when one or the other partner acts a a sort of a life coach. Now you, tomorrow maybe him.

Once more, your situation is unnatural. Your mother in law crossed every boundary and you should not be ashamed or intimidated to react.

Let me start off by saying I am SO very sorry that you have to put up with this. I know you love your husband and you work so hard to please his mother, but now is the time that you need to worry about YOU. She is staying in YOUR home, she has no right at all trying to run your household. How would she feel if you stayed at her house and started nagging at her, bossing her around? I can guarantee she would kick you out to the curb. I would definitely tell her "I appreciate your input, but I have a different way of doing things." Trust me, you need to put your foot down before this situation gets worse. You shouldn't sacrifice your own happiness because she is your mother in law. This is just my opinion, but I think that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough in her eye's. It was the same way with my mil, she treated me horribly, made comments that hurt me while other people were around. She is NOT worth the stress and anxiety. I know your husband is a momma's boy, but if he truly loves you and wants his marriage to work, he needs to be a man and stand up to his mother. There is only so much you can do, you cannot be expected to put in 100% effort to the marriage and him nothing at all. As for your parents, you can tell them "I know I have done some things you do not agree with, but, I am still your daughter and I still want to be in your life." Tell them right now you just need your mom or dad back, someone to talk to when things get tough". I am really sorry you have to endure this from both sides of the family, but you need to make sure that YOU are happy with a decision, it is your life. Do NOT let this woman control if and when you have a baby, this decision should be made by you and your husband ONLY. Make sure you take birth control if you do not want a baby right now, your mother in law strikes me as the type that would replace your birth control with placebo pills, just so she can have a grand baby. If you have to go to a doctor and tell them you want a birth control shot, or the kind that lasts for 5 years. NO ONE can control when you start a family, it is YOUR body, your decision!! I really feel your pain and I hate this for you. Trust me, put your foot down and stand your ground! If your husband ends the relationship because of his mother, then it is better to know now instead of 10 years from now when you have a house full of children. You would be better off without him if he chooses her over you, no one deserves that kind of treatment. I truly hope everything works out for you, mother in laws are evil and manipulative.

I'm a firm believer that sometimes love just isn't enough. I'm sure you love your husband very much but he doesn't seem to respect you. I understand that's his family but when you guys got married. You became his family too. And you should always be first on his list. And any man that can see how unhappy his wife is and not do anything about it. Isn't much of a man and doesn't deserve you. You will never be able to satisfy your MIL. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. And therefore never good enough for your husband. You are young. Do you really think you can deal with this for the rest of your life? It's no way to live. Everyone deserves happiness.

I think you should run. Get out of this, my god that's tough

thanks for taking time to go through such long post. I know but my woes are for real. Some may think I am exaggerating but all is real.

I know I feel you I hate my MIL too. But my husband sticks by me because we are the family now. His mom didn't like it so she doesn't speak to us anymore. She tried to treat us like I don't exist but my husband didn't allow that. Your MIL will never change. Your husband should and if he doesn't don't stay one more second. Don't do the mistake of having a child. Just because you got married without the agreement of your parents doesn't mean that you should continue with the same mistake and be unhappy. We only live once