More Fmil Antics....

arrgghhhh.... i swear i think i may just take my child and leave entirely. like pack up our stuff and leave and go..... i dont know where, some where that isnt here.

my fmil has made it so i dont even want to get married AT ALL anymore. seriously. she has made every part of the planning process for this wedding absolutely miserable. and in tandem with fsil, it borders on unbearable torture. fsil pops up pregnant(this after she had known since feb. of last year that i was getting married and since roughly last summer that she was going to be a bridesmaid). they supposedly werent trying, but stopped taking her bc without starting another one(isnt really hard;either use a condom or start another pill or both or dont have sex and you wont get preggers). dont get me wrong here- ive been pregnant 3 times, all with fh (we have been committed to each other from the very beginning of our relationship; we just chose to finally make it legal and official due to issues stemming from my mother), but she seems to think that b/c she got knocked up that it means that i have to give her everything she wants and do everything her way(which is eeriely similar to fmils way on almost everything). i was pregnant for their wedding but wasnt a bridesmaid or really even considered part of the bridal party, even though fh was best man and i had to (according to fsil)get a dress that was similar to if not the same as what the bridesmaids were wearing. the bm dresses that she had my boobs just about fell out of.

anyways, she started complaining as soon as i started looking at bridesmaid dresses about every one that i looked at(the ones that i wanted as i am having a summer outdoor wedding were tea length and she and fmil wanted floor length and whatever else and got mad b/c i wouldnt bend for them so they could go nuts). this was BEFORE she was even preggers, btw. she went to the store and even tried on the WRONG SIZE just so that she could say that it didnt look good on her and she could continue to try to get her way. this whole time fmil kept acting like fsil was my only bm. she kept telling me to name her as my moh(which i have and have continued to tell her no on as it was fsil's decision to work with the other bm's not mine and i never once told her to do it, not to mention that the one person that i WOULD want to be my moh i cant have as a result of my mothers issues). then when fsil got preggers, fmil started going on and on(actually it was even before, now that i think of it) about putting fsil in a different dress from the rest of the bm's. she was doing this in an effort to make it at least outwardly APPEAR that fsil was moh, and i knew that, so i said no, she can wear what everyone else is wearing and they can alter it however they need.

i finally found a bm's dress that was nice and fit what i needed. 2 of my bm's tried it on and they said they loved it, a 3rd wanted that one or one similar. the only one that had an issue with it was fsil. she complained from start to finish. i even looked at other dresses everytime i got a free moment for almost 3 months, trying to find something that would work for her as well as the other bm's. during this time, fmil was constantly hounding me, basically passive agressively telling me that i better make fsil look good or i was going to catch it. she even invested ffil to come after me about it one saturday morning (he basically told me that if i put the bm's in anything that wasnt floor length that everyone at the wedding would either be offended or critize me heavily for it, think it was wrong, etc., etc. saying whatever he could trying to sway me to fmil and fsil's side).

finally i got to the point between fmil and fsils antics that i said something about just us and a very close group of our friends(which include 2 of the 4 bm's but im sure bm #3 would understand-she is family and knows how fmil is) and some of my family that lives nearby(i have very little family around me due to actions my mother took when i was younger, and the little bit that i have are on very fixed incomes and/or have young children- they would be coming anyway but if i did anything at all i would include them as they are all the family i have in the world and i am fairly close to all of them) and get married somewhere without fmil, ffil, fsil, fbil, fgmil, and most of fh's extended family(there are a lot of them that dont like me since fmil doesnt like me) to fh in confidience(sp?).  fh & i have an argument as a result of his mothers constant interferance in not only our relationship but in how we raise our child. he then tells fmil about what i told him in confidence. so fmil starts pulling up info on cruise weddings(which is what SHE wanted from the beginning, even though she knows my family -what little i have- can't afford it. they couldnt even afford the drive to florida to catch the boat) & starts going on & on about how great it would be(ie: she doesnt have to see ANY of my family, she has the ability to stick around & butt into mine & fh's wedding night, & make me miserable as i would be spending the ENTIRE cruise w/ my head over a toilet, a trash can, or the side of the boat b/c she has known FOR 5 YEARS that i get motion sickness much easier than most people, esp. on planes and boats, even w/ anti nausea meds). she even told fh she was willing to increase the budget if we did that but not if we stayed here (where we already had a bunch of stuff reserved, not to mention paid for) which to me came across as her trying to completely exclude my family from the wedding entirely(fmil doesnt like having to meet & talk to new people-she goes out of her way to avoid it-she makes fh or ffil call to order pizza just so she doesnt have to talk to the person on the other end). when i said this to fh, he started denying that was what she was doing, started trying to say oh that wasnt the case, & started saying "well, my family can afford it, why cant yours?"(note: most of his family are still working & have jobs that make enough for them to live comfortably; while mine are not on welfare, most of them are retired and only really get ssi and the ones that are still working make just enough to afford what they need and would need over a year to save up for a trip from the middle of the east coast to florida, not to mention to afford getting on a boat with themselves, not to mention their children- he knows this and has known it for the last five years).

i remind him that the only reason i even suggested going off somewhere else w/ out his parents or bil and sil is b/c of the drama associated with all of them, and the fact that as far as i knew, BOTH of us were tired of dealing with their meddling. not to mention that when i had mentioned it to him, it was not meant to go beyond the 2 of us unless we decided on that, and even then only so far as the people we wanted to be there(which was NOT any of the above listed people). he gets mad and storms off.

we go and meet with the caterer the next day. as we walk in fmil basically tells me that she is hiring this caterer(she says that she contacted other ones, but given that she is prone to lying about things to get her way and lying in general, i find that hard to believe; she also wanted this particular caterer from the beginning, even though it was one of the most expensive ones, yet she complained to no end about budget without even so much as asking me to see my budget that i had drawn up). doesnt even ask, just says that shes hiring him. in the meantime, she hires a dj (even after i told her that the reception hall has a really nice sound system and it wasnt really necessary). fh yells at me that we (he and i) discussed this when it was only a day after interviewing him that she hired him(she had really wanted this guy anyway) when we hadnt, we hadnt even had the time to discuss it.  then when i mention having music for the ceremony(which i had mentioned to her before and she had agreed to), she starts talking about "oh we have to trim the fat out of the budget"-wth? so anything YOU want is bought and paid for before i can turn around, but anything I(the bride) & fh want is considered "extra fat"? come on.

fsil comes over the other day and starts talking about how i should buy paper and cut 150 invitations and print them myself rather than just order them, address them and send them. when i tell her that i dont have the time(i printed my own save the date cards and magnets and cut them; it took me about a month and a half to 2 months just to do that), she all but rolls her eyes at me and acts like im lying; i spend my days taking care of my child, and when he is sleeping, i am usually either sleeping too or busy with something else that needs to be done, not to mention it would take me forever to cut them all identically, print them, fold them with a folding tool(as it would be cardstock), perforate the bottom portion, address them, stamp them and send them. i just dont have that kind of time on my hands(fsil works still, and i think she really has NO IDEA what it is really like to have to care full time for a young child or a baby. i worked for a while after my first child(my first child died of sids at 2 1/2 mos.), but this go around someone had to be around for taking care of this child as there is no money for daycare, and no second set of gp's that dont work either.) the other night i overheard her and fmil talking, and they are planning on going (without telling me-and no i was NOT eavesdropping, fmil talks like she's talking across a field when the person is standing next to her) and getting fsil a different dress entirely than what the other bm's are wearing. fmil also started asking me about getting an umbrella for fsil so she doesnt get too warm(ummm...excuse me? the first time i was pregnant you made me drive around to my doctors appointments & anywhere else i had to go in 110 degree heat   -with 115 to 120 heat index- in a car that had no air conditioning-b/c you refused to get it fixed even though fh and i couldnt afford it and acted like it didnt matter and wasnt important when we came to you and practically begged you to fix it or at least borrow the car w/ ac for my appointments, which you also refused to do- when i was 9 months pregnant, not to mention the car would start to overheat & we would have to turn on the HEAT to cool the engine so the car wouldnt die, you wouldnt even give us a cube of ice to cool off with. i also had to walk outside after riding in the car w/ no ac about a mile to the hospital b/c we couldnt afford to park in the parking deck that was closer to the entrance, usually after standing for a full 6 hour shift at work..and you're sooo worried about her standing outside during the wedding for a little bit in the shade at 5 mos.? please.....& trust me on this too, it was the same way with each of mine-she wasnt nearly this concerned when i was pregnant with any of mine, even though i had some complications with each pregnancy-fsil has had no complications so far-knock on wood- and will probably be fine). fsil was supposed to be working with the other bm's to plan the bridal shower and send out invitations. as far as i know from my other bm's, she hasnt given them any invitations to send out, nor has she sent any out. the bridal shower is supposed to be a week from now and most of the people live in other towns or even other states. so i am probably going to have to try to call everyone tonight and let them know about it as by the time they receive the invitation, it will be too late(i invited some people that have been very close friends with me for years that i really wanted there as i want to see them before the wedding and  have them have a good time with some good food). she also refuses to let any of the other bm's go shopping with her since they told her that they would like to divide up the list and each buy some of the stuff and bring it to the shower as it would be easier than trying to get together on a friday night and go shopping(which was fsil's idea-one bm has a young child and the other bm's niece was born fairly recently and put in the neonatal icu, so she is running to the hospital every 5 minutes to be with her fiance' and his family).

fmil has also made it ABUNDANTLY clear throughout the last five years that she prefers fsil over me. i think it is b/c they are so much alike it is scary personally(she is quite literally like fmil's mini me and does her best to be like her- i however worked very hard to be my own person and dont feel the need to emesh myself with fmil in order to be accepted by her). fmil also doesnt like me b/c she is VERY emeshed into her son(she talks to him like he is her husband rather than ffil-it is kinda scary) and i took his attention away from her. when we went on a recent shopping trip, fmil and fsil sat and talked to each other the entire way to the mall, pretty much the entire time there, and the entire way back. they pretty much ignored me the entire shopping trip. then they went into the maternity store and spent like 2 hours or more trying on maternity clothes(meanwhile i was busy trying to keep my child from screaming, so i had to leave and push him around outside the store). fmil then bought fsil a bunch of maternity clothes(mind you she didnt even really buy me any maternity clothes either time, and the few she did buy, she got at yard sales and one from walmart or target that were on low mark down) and went to the cell phone store. while they were doing this, i walked though the entirety of 2 department stores(both levels). we were supposed to also be looking for a dress for me to wear to my bridal shower, as all of my clothes are either too big or too small(i am still losing weight for the wedding and i am down to where i was a few months in with my first child). so fmil gets done at the cell phone store and then decides it is time to go home. no looking for a dress for me to wear(mind you this is in a week at this point and it's not like i can just drop everything and go shopping), not even really anything said about not going and doing it either(this was supposed to be one of the main reasons for going).

she also wants these cheap & tacky looking things for the centerpieces. every idea i have come up with she acts like it is stupid. i dont have a mother or really any family to intercede here, either. she was actually complaining to fsil in front of me about all of the wedding stuff that she was having to do (boo hoo, poor me, etc.) when she was one of the main people who didnt want to include my parents from the start. and it isnt like ive been doing nothing either. aaaarrrrggghh.....she makes me so mad!

yesterday she got a call to show the house, as there was some one who really is interested in buying the house(fh's parents have been trying to sell the house for over a year- i wish it would sell already as fh's money is tied up in it and we could use the money for a house or a new car). fmil as soon as i told her about the call started making excuses as to why we couldnt show the house(to me, the fact that someone is interested in buying your house that has been off the market for 4 months at a price that you would stand to make a profit is enough that i would just show the damn house & pray they bought it). finally ffil & i get her to listen to reason that any chance to sell the house is better than none at all. so she calls the realtor back and tells him some time after wed. but before sunday. my bridal shower is supposed to be at the house on saturday. this has been in place & scheduled since jan. or before. when i say something about it to her, she just blows it off and says "oh, i forgot" like it was nothing. the whole month of fsils bridal shower, that was all i heard out of her was fsils bridal shower, fsils bridal shower. make sure you have off work so you can go to fsil's bridal shower. fsil didnt even bother to mail invitations until 7 days before, & it takes at least 2-4 days to get to any one's house as where i lived before was further away & that is where most of my friends live still, not to mention out of state relatives. so im almost certain that my bridal shower will be a bust as far as having any one outside of the bridal party show up. the only people who might come are my bm's & some of their family. 

i think i will just do all of the invitations myself once they get here.

agirlnamedsue agirlnamedsue
5 Responses Mar 12, 2009

i also do not think that everything has to be perfect b/c it is"my special day"- it isnt, it is mine and fh's. i also dont believe that everything has to be "perfect".

she also has been the ONLY one out of my bm's to have a problem with the dresses(any of the dresses that i have ever looked at since the beginning), even before she was preggers.

rantsalot,<br />
there is more to this story that i havent had the time to type. there is a VERY good reason for her not having a different dress. and i am not mad at her for being pregnant/getting pregnant, it just seems as if fmil and fsil are using this to their advantage to get what they want and not what fh and i want.

Not to be rude, and I obviously don't know the entire story, but it sounds a little selfish for getting mad at someone for being pregnant during your wedding. I know it's your "special day" and everything has to be "perfect" but the reality of the situation is that everything doesn't eveolve around your wedding...involving family planning or lack there of. If I were you, I would pick a color and give your SIL a choice in the dress she wants. If she wants to wear a different dress as long as it is the same color maybe it won't be so big a problem? Or you can stand firm with this is the dress, buy it or get out. That's really your call. <br />
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The problem with weddings is that everyone gets so wrapped up in and worked up about the details of the ceremony and reception. The truth it, a marriage has nothing to do with these things, only with the life you build together after the party is over. So keep that in mind when you are planning all of this.<br />
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If I could get married again I would elope as you suggested...even though my wedding was very low key, it was still on the verge of ridiculous at times.

Seriously and truly, why the hell are you letting them stress you out like this on your and your future husbands special day? They are only going to get away with as much as you let them get away with, and right now they think they have you by the short and curlies.<br />
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If I were you, I would just let the future sister in law and future mother in law just go off and have their own wedding, and have yours the way you want to have it.