Afraid to Get Pregnant Because of Mil Interference

Yes, it is a fact.

I hate my mother in law.  I had misgivings since the beginning, and after 2 years of marriage my husband and I are considering having a baby (smile!). However, things with my MIL are tense enough as it is and I can just imagine when/if we have a child.

My first meeting was alone with her when I stopped by their farm. She introduces herself as "Hannie" which they say like "Honey" - my husbands family is all from Holland - but she announces "but ....I am NOT sweet". NO KIDDING.

My husband works on and we live on the family dairy farm. My in-laws live 1/2 mile away, so it is nearly everyday that she is at our house. They also own the company and therefore our house, my husband's vehicle, and everything. I feel like that is hanging over my head at all times. 

One big problem I have with her is that she regularly speaks dutch around me (thier entire family,  brother in law included speaks dutch --- except for me) even when others speak english. If a comment/criticism is directed only at me, then it is in english as she is fluent. To me it is just basic respect for another person to talk in a language they can understand unless they don't know a word or something. She has even gone so far as to say that it's terrible - my sister in law doesn't go with her husband to a card playing group as they always speak Fresian and she doesn't understand it. They are such rude and awful people because they could speak Dutch so she could understand but don't .  BOY is that the pot calling the kettle black or what?????

She is also very domineering and has criticized me for everything from who we talk to, clothes I wear, what I say or don't say, etc. My husband will not do anything or say anything that may disagree with her because he knows she will throw a tantrum. I have seen her yell and criticize my husband during an arguement about events from years ago, then spend an hour slamming cupboards and throwing things into the sink during the "silent treatment" phase. So if I bring up anything she's said or done that I don't like then he sure doesn't back me up.

We went on holidays 2 weeks ago, and my husband invited them to stay at our house (because it is easier for them to do the farm work). While we were gone she reorganized almost every drawer and cupboard in the kitchen, moved decorations in our house to different spots, to the point that I still can't find things in our house. My husband' s response was "well...nothing is ever good enough for you! She was just trying to help"

I can't imagine what would happen if we have a child, no I can imagine and it's scary. I feel like I can't do anything right in her eyes. It seems maybe immature/trivial to say that concerns over my MIL would keep my from having a baby, but these days it almost has me rethinking my marriage because I feel I can't go to my husband with this - and he's the one I want to turn to.

Feels good just to vent and read everyone else's stories, so thanks for the opportunity to do so!

lmy723 lmy723
26-30, F
5 Responses Aug 17, 2007

My Mil did the same thing '' Reorganizing the whole house '' when she visited us ! we used to live in onther country away from her. She did it infront of me with no what so ever respect !! And i spend the week she was with us crying and my husband didnt say any thing back then ! Now we live with her in her house cause my husband moved back to his country and we are working on getting our own place. She is even worse than before . i am monitored 24/7 she tells me what to do,not to do. She throws any thing i keep in the fridge that she doesnt like. she tells me to cook, clean. talks talks talks and never cares. !! she also doesnt speak in english around me ! My husband is persian and i am an african. She told me many times not to get pregnant cause my husband ( her son ) & i will be bad parents. Now all what i do is lock my self in my room and avoid her all the time even though its impossible to avoid her in her house. hope you find a way to ignore her and live in peace. Good luck.

I'm not in any position to give any advice, just wanted to comment and say that everyone (here at EP) supports you through your difficult experience.<br />
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Whatever decision you make will be fine (& I'm sure you have since your last post was back in August). <br />
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& Congrats on deciding to have a baby. Good luck & God bless :)

It never gets any better when a child comes along, in fact it just makes it a whole lot worse, they have something else to criticise. "you're not doing it properly", "in my day we never did that...." "tut tut poor baby having a mother like you".<br />
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You can talk to your husband that you want to put plans for a baby on hold, if she can't be nice to you around people then there is no way she won't be rude to you in front of your child. I tell you, being scolded, chided, tut tutting, demeaned and demoralised in front of your children is totally embarassing.<br />
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I hope you do eventually get around to having a child, but set boundaries and what is acceptable. I wish I had. But hey, they lost out.<br />
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If you are having doubts about having a baby please, please think it through. Since my son was born there have been times when I have wanted to divorce to get away from my mother in law, but can't do it because I can't stand the thought of my baby being alone with her. Please think about it, because once the baby is here, she only gets worse. You have to make your stand before the baby comes, and it would be better to do it before you are pregnant. Good luck!

I feel your pain, especially on the "reorganizing" matter. I have a lot of technical parts in the house and It's always frustrating when I can only find one half of something.<br />
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What hurts is my wife always siding with her. I renewed my passport recently, and one of the documents required is your old passport. I literally turned the house upside down trying to find it. Some weeks later it turns up in a drawer in my nightstand. I had physically removed each and every drawer from that piece of furniture, removed the contents, and inverted them over the bed. It is inconceivable that I missed it. My wife scoffed at the idea that it could have been anything but my fault that I didn't find it there.<br />
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Unless you can bring your husband around I would start to reconsider your position quite seriously. If you are a Christian, a married couple are supposed to "cleave unto each other" - in other words, the marriage becomes the new family unit and other family ties are no longer the most important. My wife is a Christian but does not appear to take this to heart. I am an atheist and still think it makes sense :-)<br />
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I don't think it's healthy for an adult to have their life governed by a parent, much less a parent-in-law. I maintain a loving relationship with my parents - yet only speak with them every few months. My mother always understood I needed my own space. My father finally grasped this when I was about 17 and stopped trying to rule me. Having to put up with the MIL with her sticky fingers in every inch of my business is very stressful for me.<br />
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Perhaps your husband is insecure? This is very much the case with my wife. Men can feel insecure about money as "provider" is culturally their traditional role.<br />
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The financial aspect can be very influential over your thinking as well - for a long while, I couldn't contribute financially and this was played upon. When I asked MIL to do things my way in my house, she would turn around and point out it was her daughters house on the grounds that she paid the mortgage. I personally consider family finance to be a single pool, with all contributing, sometimes in different ways. When I was relatively broke, I could quadruple my disposable income by spending a dollar a day less on lunch. Even though I was broke, I still paid as many bills as I could afford. In real terms, my contribution was much larger - I was spending nearly all of my wages on the house, my wife only about half.<br />
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Since I paid off 2/3 of the capital in a single lump sum, I have been able to rub it in her face that it's now MY house not just as the head of the household, but also in monetary terms. It hasn't made a bit of difference to her behaviour except that she now backs down from that argument when she realises that she can't win it any more. My wife still gripes about paying the mortgage sometimes (even though either of us could now afford to pay it twice over).<br />
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Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I hope you get a better resolution to your problems than I anticipate getting with mine.