My Mother In Law Is the Devil


I suppose I’ll start at the beginning… I’ve been with my b/f now for 7 years. It’s basically your typical mushy love story… We met and fell in love instantly. I was 16 he was 18 and we decided to move in together about a week after we started dating. Of course my father was livid, but I had finished school and was working and going to college in the city, it made sense to move to the city closer to college and after explaining the financial benefits, he seemed to calm down and he really liked my b/f too. My boyfriend was working and he had been living on his own at this point for about a year. He’s an only child, brought up alone by his mother. He never met his father, and there’s huge speculation about who his father is. You have to understand that he moved out young for a reason. This is not a typical “momma’s boy” story as he is and has always been quite independent. However, I can understand the bond he feels towards her as she was his only parent and family. I have always understood and respected that. I was brought up in a small family as well, just my sister and my father. Anyways, the first time I met her, she had invited us over for dinner. I basically knew right away she didn’t like me. Not that she wasn’t cordial; I just had a bad feeling. I brushed it off. About a week later, he met his mother for dinner, alone. She had some issues to sort thru with him… I didn’t find out what she had said right away, but it turns out she made up some crazy story about how she heard from an “anonymous” source that I was a street walking 16 yr old prostitute and that he should be very careful around me. Of course, he knows his mother -that she is a manipulative liar and he brushed it off as to avoid confrontation. I understand this was a mistake. Had he confronted her craziness in the beginning things would not have gone so far. On the other hand, he was young and I can understand how he felt. Regardless, life went on for us and when I did see her again she was very nice to me and I disregarded my initial instincts. At the time, we were living in a very expensive 4 ½ with major problems. Leaky ceilings, hot water problems and faulty electricity. Our complaints went on deaf ears with our landlord and we knew we had to start making arrangements to rent elsewhere. During that period, his mother was planning to move in with her new boyfriend (future x-husband #4) who had just bought a house. Knowing of the problems we were having with our apartment, she offered us hers. She was renting a beautiful flat that her x-husband #3 had renovated therefore the rent was kept very low. We decided to take her up on the offer. The only thing she asked for was that when it was raining or if there was a storm that after work instead of driving to the suburbs she could spend the night at the apartment. This seemed reasonable enough to me and either way I’d have agreed to let her spend the night during storms regardless that the flat was hers to begin with. We moved in and immediately things got bad. She was spending the night 5 times a week, spending only weekends at her new b/f’s. She’s also an alcoholic and would come over after work with a case of beer and start drinking almost immediately. She would keep her son at the table and talk and talk all night long. Completely disregarding my presence... She also decided to take it upon herself to “teach” me how to cook. This woman is a terrible cook, and I knew that but I wanted her to feel needed and appreciated so I bore with it. She’s a complete pig and I was constantly picking up after her. Leaving her dirty underwear on the floor in the bathroom, leaving old dishes in her bedroom… At first I assumed her staying over so often was a transitional thing but very quickly caught on to her game. She had manipulated her son and got him to move back in with her. She had no intent to leave. He realized this also, so we changed our strategy. We went out more often. We would make sure that when she arrived from work we weren’t there. It worked and it didn’t take long at all. I figured it was a subtle way to make her realize we needed our privacy, and if she hadn’t caught on to the hint, oh well its working anyway she no longer came to the flat after work. Soon after she called and invited me over to the new house for the weekend. I thought this was nice, that we could have some girly time and maybe start bonding a little. I agreed. My b/f stayed behind in the city. From the moment I arrived she sat me down with her b/f and began to “warn” me on what I was getting myself into with her son. I was completely mortified. She told me he told her he hadn’t wanted me to move into the flat with him, that he didn’t want to live with me. She told me he has a history of cheating and being disloyal with his girlfriends and that I wouldn’t be any different. She then told me that she has arranged for a new job for me in the little township she moved too and invited me to move in with her. Through my tears, I respectively declined her invitation. I was independent enough on my own and I have a family too where I would be more than welcome to move back. She tried to convince me stay the week with her and that I shouldn’t speak with my b/f for a few days. I explained to her that I needed to confront him and speak to him about these issues. She continued to scrutinize my relationship with her son and try and convince me that he didn’t care about me and that he was treating me badly. That rose some major red flags to me, I couldn’t think of one thing he did to me that was horrible. Then she pulled a temper tantrum on me. I couldn’t figure it out. She was crying and ignoring me. Either way, I explained to her that I needed to talk with him myself, that I couldn’t simply ignore him and leave. When I finally got home I was a complete wreck. I felt so terrible. I sat down my boyfriend and began to explain that if he felt he didn’t want to live with me anymore he should have come to me and explained how he felt. That it would have done a lot more good then going to his mother behind my back. He just looked at me like I was a complete nutcase. He denied ever saying anything remotely close to that and it dawned on me why his mother was so adamant about wanting me not speaking to him anymore. He even explained that he had called for me a few times and was wondering why I wasn’t returning his phone calls. His mother never passed on the message and even went so far as to point out his not calling was proof of his indifference toward me. Well needless to say I was livid and hurt beyond belief. I hated myself for doubting him. I never would have imagined a mother would speak so poorly about her own son if it was a lie. Although I had my doubts, I truly believed she was telling the truth. Why would she lie that way about her own son? He called her immediately after talking with me. I was in shock. I didn’t want to be the cause of a fight between them. I just wanted a good relationship with this woman, I love her son. All hell broke loose. All of a sudden she shows up at the door with her sister. And it was a total bombardment. I was accused of trying to break up their relationship and her sister accused me of being a horrible girlfriend for not having trusted my boyfriend. All in all it was a horrible situation. My b/f told off his mother and his mother was hysterical. She left. Things got worse. She still had the lease of the flat in her name. She had the electricity shut off. We had paid for it in advance. A week later we found another apartment and moved as soon as we could. I began to understand why he moved out so young! Life for us got back to normal. Sure our apartment was smaller and a lot more expensive, but it was in good order and it was ours! He went a few months without speaking to his mother, and I didn’t speak about her at all. On his birthday she showed up at his work with presents and although they never spoke again about what had happened months earlier, they continued on with they’re superficial relationship and all was ok. I on the other hand stayed away from her. According to her I was the devil anyway. She admitted to having disliked me because I’m English. Although my mother is French, my first language is English. I speak French perfectly well but that isn’t good enough for her. I live in Quebec, Canada and although it’s rare, there are some French Canadians who hate anyone who isn’t “pure”. This isn’t a racial thing, were Caucasian, rather a language thing… Anyways, about a year and a half later I was in a hold up at the store down the street from where we were living. I was freaked out and my father offered us to move in to the house until we can find something to rent in the suburbs. So we moved in to my father’s house and everything went as planned. We stayed for about 4 months and found a really nice little house to rent not too far away. His birthday was a few days away and his mother called. She bought him a car… We knew we were going to need one eventually anyways as we were no longer living in the city and didn’t have access to public transportation and he was ecstatic. She bought him an older second hand car, but it was a good first car and he was really happy. So slowly but surely she managed to creep back into my life. I was extremely reserved, but open minded. It was like nothing had ever happened with her. We never spoke about what happened the previous year. So things just picked up from where they left off before she went mental. I decided to give her another chance. We would go out for dinner together, go to the spa… I finally felt like I was having some form of a decent relationship with my mother in law. I still kept my boundaries. I still never shared anything personal with her and I never spoke about my relationship with her son. Then she started doing little subtle things to me. She’d give me back handed compliments like: “I like your new hair cut, but it makes you look severe…” Nothing I could really get angry about, but uncalled for anyway. We went over to her place for Christmas. She had a party and invited the little family. I remember my boyfriend had asked me to dance with him, and his drunken mother literally threw me off of him and took over. I was just embarrassed. A few weeks later, we bought a new kitchen set. He had put his mother’s name as contact for delivery purposes in case we weren’t available and gave her a key. I got home that afternoon and he seemed weird to me. I asked him what was wrong and he kind of brushed me off and said it was nothing and left for work. A few hours later, his aunt called me and asked if I was alright. I responded that of course I was alright and asked what was wrong. She was a bit surprised on the phone and went on to explain to me that she had just spoken to her sister and that she had told her that Sears had called her for the delivery and she was very upset with me that I wasn’t home for the delivery so she basically let them into my house and trashed it. Sure enough, I start opening my kitchen cabinets and I have hardly a dish left. No wonder my boyfriend looked so freaked out. He had just picked up our broken dishes from the kitchen. I started really looking around and noticed missing paintings and I was completely freaked out. Her sister also mentioned she had left me a letter. I couldn’t find it. Apparently, MIL was upset with me because I should have been home for the delivery. I wasn’t aware they were delivering that particular day anyways. When I hung up with her sister, the phone rang. When I picked up, the person on the other line hung up. I looked at my called ID and saw MIL’s number. I ignored it. Again, the phone rang…I pick up she hangs up. This must have happened 5 or 6 more times until I called her back. She lost it. She was hysterical on the phone, screaming and crying, yelling at me. Calling me horrible names... Her sister stopped speaking to her after that. What she had done to me was partly the reason, but also because my MIL was telling people that she (a 61 yr old woman who has been married for 40 years to the same man) is a lesbian. When my b/f came home I explained to him how upsetting it was for me to have heard what happened thru his aunt and that he was a coward and I told him about the phone calls. I also asked to see the letter. He threw it out and I never got to see it. Again, MIL and I were no longer speaking or seeing each other. She waited until she knew he would be home and had the car she bought him towed. We bought our own car after that…My boyfriend started speaking to her again after about 6 months, but I refused to have her in my life. I wanted nothing to do with her. She would send him home with gifts for me and I would just throw them out. This lasted 2 yrs. Then my father became very ill and I moved back in to help care for him. He passed away a few months later and I allowed my MIL to attend the funeral as moral support for my boyfriend. She definitely went too far, attending the wake with the rest of my family for example, but I figured I wasn’t the only one to loose my father and my b/f was being so strong for my little sister and I, he needed his mom there for him as well. So I let it go. Again, she was really nice. Then she started inviting us both over for dinner and I decided to drop my issues with her. As before we never spoke about anything or resolved anything from the previous incidents. This time however, I had made a point of not getting close to her. I would not be alone with her, I wouldn’t go anywhere with her or discuss my personal problems or relationship with her at all. And things have been okay. I can deal with the snide remarks she makes when my boyfriend isn’t within hearing range. Like this past Christmas for example. Husband #4 divorced her about two years ago after he caught her cheating. She’s been thru a few boyfriends since, but this latest one was around this past Christmas. He actually seemed like a nice guy. Anyways, he started speaking with me in English and so of course I was responding in English…she told him that there will be no English speaking in her house. I was pissed! I just looked at my b/f with huge eyes and gave me a pleading look. So, I smiled and started conversation… in French… with someone else. It was Christmas after all. We got her a ridiculously expensive gift as per usual….and as per usual she bought me something she put no thought into at all. Everyone who knows me knows I don’t wear leather or fur…she bought me leather garbage bag looking purse. A lot of thought went into that… We bought her gold and diamond earrings and she seemed to approve of that, crisis averted. I have to admit though, apart from her snide remarks she’s been good for the last 3 years. Granted I’ve stayed away from her as much as possible… Her birthday was coming up in February and my boyfriend decided we should take her out for dinner. He chose a really nice Italian restaurant we like to go to. We went and picked her up, everything seemed fine with her. She seemed to be in a great mood…except that she mentioned briefly that her boyfriend hadn’t yet called her for her birthday. We get to the restaurant and I ordered drinks. We were looking thru the menu and all of a sudden she starts crying. I immediately knew we were in for something. We asked her what was wrong and she said she didn’t like anything on the menu. My b/f took a deep breath and asked her to just finish her drink and we would go somewhere else. She then started criticizing the menu, saying it was too expensive. We assured her we are more than capable to pay for the meal and that it wasn’t a problem. She starts crying harder. Now she’s accusing her son of judging her… At this point he gets up, goes to the bar and asks for the bill. She started screaming across the restaurant demanding the chicken and that we stay. That’s when I left to the washroom. I was so embarrassed! People were just staring at her. When I came back, she was basically telling him off. Saying that he knows she doesn’t like garlic and saying he had no respect for her taking her to an Italian restaurant. That Italians are the only ones who use garlic. At this point I had enough. Very nicely, I explained to her that her son only wanted to do something nice for her birthday, that he meant no harm. I also mentioned that most restaurants use garlic and that I’m sure if she only explained to the maitre D, he would ensure no garlic in her meal. She went ballistic! She got up screaming at me. Don’t you ever talk to me like that again, I hate your face, I’ve always hated you…blah, blah, blah… I told my b/f to get her psycho *** into the car and I’ll take care of the bill. After apologizing to the owner and staff, I left and went to the car. I sat down without even a glance into the back seat and told my b/f to take me home immediately, that I’d never been so embarrassed in my life. He tells me he has no qualms with that but asks me where his mother is. I look in the back of the car and sure enough she isn’t there. Had it been up to me at that point, I’d have left her to wonder the streets of Montreal on her own and hopefully get picked up by the mental hospital. We drove around the block and spotted the nutcase crying on the side of a building. My b/f stepped out of the car and told her to get in, she started screaming at me again…I didn’t even get a chance to say anything, he told her to shut up and that was it. It’s been three weeks and we haven’t heard from her. Not directly anyways. I heard from her aunt that she is very upset with my b/f because he has no respect for her and of course I’m the devil. I’m going to try and shorten this because it’s become way too long and I don’t want to bore you all with more grisly details. I just need some advice. I don’t want to stand in the way of my b/f and his mother but I can’t do this anymore. It’s not like he doesn’t stick up for me, he does…but I know she will eventually creep her way back into my life and I won’t have that kind of toxicity in my life. I refuse. I’m 23 now and engaged. I plan on marrying him within the next few months and I don’t want her at my wedding. I don’t need her poisoning our wedding day. What do you suggest I do at this point? Should I confront her? Write to her? I’m completely lost and confused about this whole situation. Thank you guys for taking the time to read this, any feed back is greatly appreciated :)  
lenapawl lenapawl
2 Responses Mar 18, 2009

Hi Wisdil and thanks so much for your input. Right now he doesn't want to speak with her. He's beyond hurt and feels betrayed. He also realizes she has serious mental problems and doesn't feel it's even worth talking through. I don't agree with that. Although I can agree she suffers some sort of mental illness, I truly believe most of her actions are because she's jealous and attention seeking. I also doubt speaking with her would resolve anything, but at least I'd be able to let her know where I stand and what I think of her... That would probably do more good for me than her. I haven't and wouldn't stand between them, even though I understand that they will probably speak again. Again, I will try to keep her out of my personal life. I just hope it works this time!

oh honey...hang in there. Talk to your bf - does he even want her there? If he wanted her there, I would let her be there even if you just ignore her all day. If she were to start something, have her tossed out. I have an uncle who is like that - he was not invited to our wedding because he just can't behave himself. If he doesn't want her there, then don't have her need to do what is right for you!<br />
<br />
But, it does sound like he knows what you are dealing with and doesn't like it anymore than you do. I would not have anymore to do with her if I were you. If he wants to associate with her, that is up to him, but you can always say that you don't need her toxicity...because you really don't! My husband has gotten to the point that he doesn't make me do things with his family that I don't want to do, because I just can't take it. <br />
<br />
Just don't let her back in, don't have anything to do with her - it isn't alright that she does these things and then just acts like nothing happens. I know it is really hard, but she isn't YOUR mother...and the really important thing is not to blame your dh for her or resent him for it - it isn't his fault either...