Mother In Law Causing Stress In Marriage.

I would like an outsider's opinion as to my MIL problem.  My wife is a nice lady.  Her first husband is bi-polar and became impossible to live with.  My wife took her 8 month old daughter and left.  She lived with her mom for about 6 months, working two jobs to get out on her own.  After she moved out, the MIL offered to sign a mortgage for her so she and her daughter would only be a couple blocks away.  Then the ex husband stopped paying child support.  My wife struggled for a couple of years.  After that time period I came into the picture.  I had no idea what a bind my wife was in financially until we got serious.  She gave me the full scoop.  She had student loans, day care bills, legal bills, had to buy food on a credit card and that mortgage.  Her 35k a year wasn't cutting it.  On top of that her ex was filing all sorts of motions regarding custody issues and she had to cash out her 401k to pay her lawyer.  Her dad inherited a lot of money and lake front property, so I know they aren't in dire straits financially.

After we got engaged I starting helping her out with things.  Fixing her car, the roof on the house, etc.  In fact, between helping her with "her" mortgage payments and the rest, I put about 5k into that house.  Well, that was before I realized her mom was on the mortgage and not my wife.  Her mom takes the tax break on the house.  Her mom watched her struggle for years making that house payment and never, not once, offered to help financially.  They knew she had legal bills, day care bills, etc.  Never brought over groceries, etc.   They knew her ex was thousands behind in child support.

Her parents are still married, but live apart.  Her dad lives 5 hours away in a small town and runs a business.  Her folks don't get along very well.  It became obvious to me that her mom wanted my wife around so she had an excuse not to move back in with her husband whom she clearly dislikes.  That's why she signed the mortgage, in my opinion.  My wife was her excuse for not dealing with her ****** marriage. 

We got married and my wife moved to my hometown with her/our daughter.  Her mom ignored the issue with the house she owns.  We couldn't sell it.  We rented it out for about 150 per month less than the note.  My wife covers it.  Her mom did nothing to help us rent the house.  She did not help us pack ONE box when we went there to move my wife out.  It took us three days of continuous packing while trying to keep a 4 year old busy.  She wouldn't take off work to help us out, but just got back from a two week cruise.  My wife is 8 months pregant and her mom never calls, didn't come to the baby shower and didn't send a gift.  Her dad didn't come to our wedding.  They have never been welcoming to me.  

I don't respect her parents.  My wife is hurt that her family has treated her, her daughter and me.  I feel badly for my wife.  The MIL wants to come see the new baby after it is born and is demanding that she be here immediately after the baby is born.  My wife and I would like some time alone as a family.  I told my wife that her mom can come about two weeks after her due date.  Her mom is pissed off about it. My wife doesn't really want her mom to come but feels obligated.  She also knows I don't respect her mother.   

To compound this problem, my parents are very considerate people who have gone out of their way to welcome my new family.  My mom, sister and cousin drove hours to attend the baby shower and gave expensive gifts.  My parents drive down and babysit so my wife and I can go out.  We haven't rec'd a single gift from her family.  Not her parents, brothers, aunts and uncles...nothing  My wife is really embarassed by this. 

Don't get me wrong.  My wife made some bad decisons before she met me.  I also knew what I was getting into financially when I married her.  Arguably, I've been an ATM machine and its been tough.  However, my wife was up front about her finances before I proposed. ( I've coverd about 25k in medical bills, legal bills and I paid off her student loans - at 9% interest i had to!)   However, her parent's boorish behavior towards me and their complete lack of support for my wife and her/our child irritates the hell out of me.  My wife knows the score.  She knows her family didn't lift a finger to help her when she and her daughter needed it most. Our daughter loves her grandma and wants to see her.  Frankly, I don't want people like them influencing my children.   They are self involved and unhappy.  I want to tell my daughter that the grandma she thinks is so great never spent a dime on her and treated her as a burden when asked to baby sit.. (I won't do that) 

When I proposed her mom told her "you are so lucky to have found some one to take on you and all your problems."  My wife is a beautiful, kind attractive women with a professional degree.  Her mom got married at 17 and started having kids.  I always got the impresson that her mom was jealous of her.  (her mom is heavy and unattractive) and that she took some kind of perverse satisfaction in watching her first marriage and her finances fall apart.  She even told me what a struggle it had been for her over the past two years on the morning of our wedding.

I keep asking myself how much of this is me being a little resentlful about cleaning up my wife's money troubles.  Maybe that is a factor here, but her parents have done all they can to make this transistion harder.  What do you think?



1969Ginger 1969Ginger
1 Response Mar 19, 2009

It doesn't sound like you're resentful for helping your wife out of her financial mess, you sound like a husband who loves his family and can't stand what a horrible, selfish mother his wife has. I bet you just sit there and think, " How the hell can a mother act this way twords her own child?"<br />
Well, some women are just not that motherly, and I do think that some women are jealous of their daughters. Misery loves company, ya know. You and your wifemove on with your family life and only include her when YOU want to. Tell your wife to never feel guilty about the decisions she makes concerning her mother.(Meaning, if you guys didn't want her to come right after the baby was born-so be it.) Do what's best for the two of you at all times. That's what her mother does, right? She never lets her daughter or grandchild inconvienence her life in any way. You do the same. Never feel guilt. My mother sounds a lot like her mother. It really sucks to have a selfish mother like that believe me, I know.