what do u do...Mother In Laws

I have dealt with my MIL for 12 yrs now. She gets away with murder because my husband allows her to. She can say and do whatever she wants and he won't say a word. His excuse is there's no changing her and I need to be water and let it not effect me. He says I need to NOT react. I think there is a point where you don't have a choice. The most recent incident was my 8 yr old daughter telling me she feared me dying. I always thought my MIL had something to do with that but didn't know how to approach my daughter. My husband that chooses to be blind would always think I had some girl thing against her or something. He would say it was between me and my MIL. I later came to find out she was telling my daughter she wanted me dead and wished I would die. She tried turning my daughter to hate me by always saying I was a mean and bad mother. She would even tell her she needed to find her daddy a new girl, a better one. My daughter came out little by little telling us this. I was shocked and hurt. We didn't talk to her for about 8 mths. But my husband always felt bad for her and missed her. I feel as a mother that this is very unhealthy for my daughter and don't want her to grow up with someone like that in her life. I think if she talks with her it needs to be on speaker and if she visits it has to be supervised. My husband says i'm holding onto anger and need to forgive and forget. I forgive but how do you forget? Most people learn lessons in life and I just don't trust her. This isn't the 1st time of her acting like this. There are way MOREEEE! stories of things she has done. This is ongoing and ongoing. I feel that if my husband would be a team with me that a lot of this would be avoided. I have tried explaining over and over how I feel but he just feels that I need to forget and move on. Do I just ignore this and let it be????? Do I give up on the marriage? I feel that he gets so manipulated by her and he falls into her trap every time. He never really has stuck up for me, is this normal for a lot of men???? How do you get them to be a team with you? You know like saying "we" feel a certain way about things! Is this just a lost cause? My husband thinks that if I have an issue it is between me and her and it's how I feel and not him. I read a lot of books at the book store and all of them say let your spouse handle their own parants that it is their job and they know their parents better than anyone else. Again I just feel that if something bothers me he should be more concerned and it should also bother him. Is this wrong to feel?
eln eln
31-35, F
6 Responses Aug 20, 2007

Your MIL has betrayed you and you need an apology. I would not allow my children to have time alone with her or on the phone. You have no choice but to control the situation if your husband is not giving you support.

It is very damaging to your daughter and should be stopped. The only reason my husband decided to wake up to it all when I threw him out of the house for not "listening" to me.<br />
<br />
After much sulking and pouting he did eventually acknowledge the damage they did and appreciate why I had enough. He wouldn't tolerated it if it was your boss that did all those things to you wouldn't he, so why put up with it because that woman has "mother" stuck on her head.<br />
<br />

You have to protect your little girl first of all from the MIL. She is potentially damaging your daughter. I would think hubby would see this as a HUGE red flag. Husbands are supposed to protect and defend us...even against their mom, I agree. But sometimes they don't stick up for us. How frustrating.

so would you just ignore everything and let her continue to do these things? I do think about my husband and that it is also hard for him but I do think I have plenty of good reasons to feel the way I do and can't understand how he can not understand and have it ok to have her back into our lives the same as it was before...

Sometimes they are afraid to go against there mom. They have this thing about protecting them and the Moms know it and use it well and often.

Your husband is suppose to support and protect you. And, yes, he is suppose to protect you even against his own mom. It sounds like he deliberately turns a blind eye. I think husbands think it's not serious, but it is!