Living With In-laws


I am married to an only son and am currently living with my in-laws. My in laws mean well and are bearable for most of the time. Albeit having a good heart, my MIL has a tendency to annoy me with most of what she does so I tend to avoid her if I can. She is critical, overbearing, and opinionated. She see's her son as her little baby (he’s 28!). She is constantly asking him to carry out duties for her, which I feel should be directed at her husband. My husband doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, but it gets my goat. My in-laws do not have a great marriage, in fact I'm sure they hate each other which is one reason why the MIL would want my husband and myself to live with her, however I don't see why I should have to carry the burden.

I would like my own place, to bring up my own family rather than live in a home whereby my MIL is the matriarch. She is extremely opinionated in the realms of parenting, so I wont be having any children until we move, I just wouldn’t be able to stand the criticism.

I want a two way marriage rather than the current 3 way marriage as it stands.

tbird187 tbird187
7 Responses Mar 24, 2009

I know this is an older post but I know how you feel. My husband and I moved In with my in laws supposedly for only a few months but years later here we are. The woman Is a Hellhound from the pits of hell. If you don't agree with what she says or wants to do your wrong and if you keep your stance. screaming ensues. I don't know how her husband takes it. He bows down to try to dodge her anger although it doesn't work and he catches the brunt of it. She event threw a can of Pringles and they hit the wall and spilled all over the floor. My husband will stand his ground and that usually starts a big argument. I get caught in the middle because I have to listen to both of them bitching to me about the other. I finally told him this past year either we move out or I am leaving even if I have to go stay in a shelter till I get on my feet. He begged me not to go and has tried making more money for us to get out. The fact I see him actually working to make more is the reason I have not left. My parents are dead so there is not running to them for help. It is also bad cause this past year he did go back to driving otr to make more money and I am left there. We also have two cats that we have raised from babies that are 5yrs old so it is not as easy to find housing and he worries about leaving me in certain areas while he is gone. The last resort plan for us is after the 1st of Jan The cats and I are going on the truck with him if he stays out on the road. I also am battling with him over the fact that I have to pave a career of some kind for myself. He wants to "take care" of me and I pointed out our predicament. So I have to find something for myself. I feel lost without my mom. I don't have any friends to talk to so I just cope the best I can. My advice to anyone is if you have a choice DON'T do it. To those that are stuck, I feel for you and share your pain.

<p>I am so sorry to hear you're having to live with ur in-laws. Its so hard to live in someone else's house because you never really get to be yourself. I feel like it was me writing your story. Most MILs tend to be very opinionated and think that their ideas about life are perfect; which is not always the case; but they cant help but try and rub it in our faces until we apparently agree with them. I do this to humour my mil sometimes, its easier than having to explain to her because her understanding is just not great.<br />
Some MILs have a tendency to never be able to let their sons go; I speak from experience. I currently live with my mil, bil and husband; my mil is divorced. Bearing in mind that she has two sons, she makes it out like she has 1 (my husband) who she also likes to treat as her husband. Over the two years that Ive been married I have tried so hard to make this a 2 person marriage and not 3.</p><p>My mil thinks her happiness is my responsibility and often reminds me that it is apparently down to me to look after her, she is in her early 50s and very capable of looking after herself. At the beginning of our marriage, I saw no reason or need for us to buy our own house but 6 months down the line I felt like my life was going to end if I didn't move out. It took me a good 9 months to convince my husband that I couldn't compromise on all my feelings just to suit his mother. I mean who wants someone breathing down their neck all the time and following their every move. I have and still just feel like a visitor in her house. I too have actually said to my husband that I would have a nervous breakdown if we had children at her house; he has said it is all down to the financial situation and making sure his mother is settled before we move. I already said I wouldn't mind being close by, I just really need my own space. I hate people telling me what to do all the time, she makes me feel like a child. she doesn't realise I am a grown woman who can make choices of her own. </p><p>There is nothing I fear worse than the thought of spending the rest of my life with my mil!!!</p><p>I wish you good luck!</p>

I am travelling in the same boat. We get married 1.5 years ago and even before few days of marriage my MIL started talking about what u r giving to us what cloths will be required at what occasions, your mother said like this to me etc. etc. stuff, I wanted to call off my wedding at that time but it was my dream project we (me and my husband) were dreaming of this from last so many years. After that she started forcing me to live with them rather to move out of state with my husband (I forgot to mention, my husband lives out of state due to his job) and asked me to deny my husband to go with him, what the hell!!!
But then I thought it would be better if we all move out together and so we moved out TOGETHER. I also am a full time job keeper (work from home for 6 days a week) but in first month of my marriage she forced me to remove all maids (she had aids in her house for whole house work before marriage), but thanks to God I didn't agreed, as her work was only to lay down and get body massage the whole day... Still I took a life style like that, cooked food for all, but even in my cooking, she always want something other than regular food for breakfasts, lunch and dinner for herself, and yes, most importantly, garam chapatis in lunch, which I will have to cook for them b/w my office work.
Still I take it easily to have a normal life, but now when I am prego, and going thru 7 month, she is like COMPLETE HELL! I decided to have my delivery in my mother's place, and from 15 days earlier when my ticket was booked for journey she started talking mischievous things like 'yes, u r going to ur mother's house so that they will help u financially, and this is good bcoz we also don't have money to support u (me and my husband are capable of bearing this financially and mentally and we are taking responsibility of all 4 of us from last 1.5 years but she want to rub her hands out of it)', 'in the function (as u have shower we have other function) we will not be able to attend (we means my in-laws and my husband) but call our nearby relatives...' I mean this one was bull ****. Other than this whenever I sit to work she comes to me to have 'so called chat' in which she is the speaker and I am listener and talk **** abt my parents tooo, and if I become closer and discuss something then she will pick only those words which she wants to and will manipulate them and then use those words in her own language as taunt that 'she says this', 'she refused my words' etc.... and in evening when my husband came from office she again come and sit in our room so that I will not talk with him about what she talks whole day long....
I have cancelled my plan to go to my parent's home for delivery, as I know, if I will go there, she will talk ill of them in many matters (in India there are many rituals).
Although my husband is very supporting and has asked her not to talk these things with me as I have to do office work, but she again uses this sentence as a taunt if I ask her anything (like my son has said not to tallk to u) but when things come to her, she again came, sit and talk *****...
I don't know how to get out of this situation, and yes one more thing, she also says that she will never leave us and will move with us wherever we will move bcoz she can't even imagine without living with us... and if she has to leave, she will always call my husband and will cry and will make him to fetch her again with us.obviously where else she will have free services of a DIL... Even my FIL don't talk to her much bcoz of her habbits!!! I am trapped in a hell with no way out!!! But feel better on posting here as I don't have anyone with whom I can discuss these things...

Ya! You really need to move out. Trust me on this. My MIL has been living with me for 3yrs, and it has caused such a strain on our marriage. Please don't have kids until you move. Besides, why are you there? You guys are grown and if you can afford it than you should be enjoying eachother BY YOURSELVES!!!

Momo I had a skim through some of your stories, and this stood out:<br />
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'I can buy food for myself and know it will be there when I get home from work! I can do what I want when I want with NO RESTRICTIONS! I can stay out as late as I want as well!'<br />
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Ooohh I would dream for that sensation!<br />
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When the time is right I will find that silver lining! <br />
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I have to say, there are times when I feel I over react, for example I had a civilised with the MIL today. I would actually feel sorry for her when we do eventually move. I know she yearns for the company of others, but I just want my own space. She was able to live the married life she desired with her husband and I think it's my turn now.

Going Numb, <br />
<br />
Thanks for your message and a huge congratulations on getting your space back. You definitely had it worst off, I certainly do not have to cook everyday for everybody (I wouldnt mind so much if was just for myself and hubby). As MIL is retired she stays home and does much of the housework and cooking, which most would be grateful for, but I want to be able to clean and care for a house of my own.<br />
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How you lasted that long is beyond me, I couldnt have put up with it. I would have let hubby deal with it, seeing as they are his family. <br />
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You are right about MIL's not changing, mine is far too old to change her spots and she sure should be giving her to do list to her hubby, who in fact I think is a top bloke! <br />
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Sometimes the conversations between hubby and MIL are cringe worthy, for example discussing a letter received regarding an increase in phone bills, which he would discuss with me, if it wasnt for us living with them. <br />
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MIL seems to feel that only she know's what's best for her son. I must tell you of a time I was spooning food into my hubby's bowl. After I was done, she waited a minute then spooned more into his bowl, implying that I got it wrong and that she had to correct my mistake! May sound insignificant, but boy did it grate on my nerves.<br />
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I'm glad to hear that you now have your husbands back.<br />
<br />

run, run away....LOL but on a serious note, I totally understand what you are going through. The roles were a little reversed with us though. My MIL and 1 SIL were living with us and their 2 rodent dogs for 16 months and 6 days of HELL. Mind you I have 4 kids too. From day one their dogs messed in my house, MIL claimed to be perfect in every way and expected me to have a perfectly clean house, I cooked 7 days a week for all 8 of us and cleaned the kitchen and laundry everyday. My kids did help but they need there fun too. MIL & SIL never lifted a finger nor did MIL help pay for anything. I had to get a fulltime job to help hubby pay the bills. MIL & SIL also had jobs too just they always claimed to be poor and always came home with bags of stuff. Your MIL will never change and the sooner you get out of her house the better your marriage will be with your hubby. But your hubby needs to be on the same page as you, and is willing to leave sooner than later. Yes your FIL should be the one doing the 'honey do-list' not your husband, if he just does a few then fine but not to the point of him not spending time with you. She will always be critical of you and the sort but to not tear up your marriage, you need to plan to move ASAP and hopefully more than 30 minutes away. My ILs moved 30 minutes away and thank god they have popped over once so far. They have been moved out for almost 4 weeks now. They have hurt me way too much and it took marriage counseling for my husband to see what his mom was doing to us. Thank God he has opened my husband's eyes and I have my husband back. Good luck and hope you can get out of there soon.