Mil Needs To Cut The Cord And Stop Obsessing For Df

I have been engaged for 3 months...and am in the process of moving in with my fiance and planning our wedding. 

My fiance's family owns a business, so they all work together closely, and everyone lives within a 2 mile radius.  My parents are about an hour and a half away, and my sisters are in different parts of the country.

My MIL is a nice person...but her main problem is that she is overbearing.  For example, she still packs my fiance's lunch every day.  If he mentions or insinuates a need for something....she buys it the same day.

Because I am moving in, I am making changes to his house.  He must have mentioned that I have a ton of clothes, and he doesn't have much closet space.  She went out and bought FOUR portable closets.  I do not plan on using any....because I have purchased storage totes and a dresser.  I appreciate the thought...but I feel that I need to put a stop to this behavior, or we will end up with a lot of junk that we do not want/need.

She also showed up with some new kitchen stuff....and I was annoyed.  Basically because I also want to be the one to pick things out for the house and buy them. 

She is also on our cell phone plan.  I cannot wait to see if she pays or accepts a free ride. 

These are recent examples....definitely not the whole story.  I feel like she wants this to be a 3-some....and I worry about the future.  My fiance has mentioned that when we have kids, he wants his mom to be the daycare provider.  This would save money...but thats the only advantage.  I feel that would be unfair to my family...and unfair to me.  Thats way down the road though.

As for wedding planning....she wants to be involved in EVERYTHING.  She wants to have input with everyone we hire and go to all appointments with me.  They are helping financially with the wedding...but her husband has repeatedly told me to do what I want.  Because he is the one with the money...I am inclined to do what my FIL says....which is to do what I want.  My FIL knows that his wife is obsessed with her son...and I think he is also sicked by it.

How do I get her to back off before it eats me alive?  Again..these are just a few examples.  I could go on and on.

 

dkd43537 dkd43537
31-35, F
6 Responses Feb 21, 2010

I wish you well, I have a mother in law that has never cut the cord, her son was 40 when he had his first children ( twins). After many relationship brake ups........of witch I guess she had a hand in.<br />
Please set the boundaries now, because I got on with my MIL like a house on fire on the phone, until my ill health needed her to come and give a hand. The minute the woman was in my house under my roof she took over. Almost cost me my relationship, she had no intention of helping me get better the only intention she had was helping try get rid of me.<br />
You need to let her know her help i appreciated but not excepted.<br />
I am going to buy that book and send it to my MIL.............maybe then she will see her wrong doing, but I think not as people like that will never admit they are doing such things

A family deeply entrenched in emotional !ncest. Sounds like your fiance is a chosen child, Pick up the book 'The Emotional !ncest Syndrome, what to do when a parent's love rules your life" by Dr. Patricia Love, because you're going to need it. Better to get those boundaries with her established before you guys get married, trust me, it's harder AFTER you get married. Hope that helps, GOOD LUCK!

My fiance basically doesn't see the big picture. He just sees it as less work we'd have to do.<br />
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I see it as setting a precedent that I do not want her there to work on our house.<br />
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My fiance would not want my mother cleaning the bathroom....and he needs to respect that his mother is not welcome to clean the bathroom either.<br />
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Hopefully it won't come to the point of needing counseling....but I worry.<br />
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My MIL is known to do my sister in law's family's laundry....which infuriates my fiance....but its the exact same issue. Her trying to be helpful but overstepping boundaries. And she asked if I mind....and I do mind. I can't lie to her now to try to be nice....that will cause more problems than just being honest and saying what I feel.<br />
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I do not want a MIL who does chores at my house...I don't want ANYONE who does NOT live there doing it.

My fiance basically doesn't see the big picture. He just sees it as less work we'd have to do.<br />
<br />
I see it as setting a precedent that I do not want her there to work on our house.<br />
<br />
My fiance would not want my mother cleaning the bathroom....and he needs to respect that his mother is not welcome to clean the bathroom either.<br />
<br />
Hopefully it won't come to the point of needing counseling....but I worry.<br />
<br />
My MIL is known to do my sister in law's family's laundry....which infuriates my fiance....but its the exact same issue. Her trying to be helpful but overstepping boundaries. And she asked if I mind....and I do mind. I can't lie to her now to try to be nice....that will cause more problems than just being honest and saying what I feel.<br />
<br />
I do not want a MIL who does chores at my house...I don't want ANYONE who does NOT live there doing it.

I do worry. SINCE I wrote that post....my fiance and I talked. He has been working very hard to get his house clean and ready for me to move in. Last night his mom came over and brought him a sandwich. She asked him if it would be okay with me if she cleaned the tiles in the bathroom....and did this the week that he will be out of town.<br />
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He could tell in my voice that my response was a NO!! I said....if she REALLY wants to, thats fine...but I do NOT want it to become a habit. He asked, "Why wouldn't you want her to do that?"....and I said that I do not want her coming over and doing our chores for us. We are adults and we can manage our own household responsibilities.<br />
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When she comes over...she is a guest.<br />
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He was like, "FINE...I'll call her and tell her no....do you even hear your voice...its obvious that you don't want her over here."<br />
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Honestly...I like the woman a lot. She means well. But her issue is that she needs to be needed...and raised him to need her. AND WE DO NEED HER....I do not deny this. But we need her support as we start our lives together. We need her to let us be independent and allow us to be a COUPLE. <br />
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I plan on telling her (because she is hellbent on being my BFF the week that my fiance is out of town)....and I want to tell her that I appreciate her help....but we will let her know when we need help or need her to buy anything. She should not be approaching us offering favors....there will be plenty that we need help with....and we'll ask when we need it.

Have her watch Monster in Law with you LOL....but I feel for you, try to nicely set some boundaries with her. What does your future hubby say about his mom?? If he is not on your side when it comes to his mom, sadly you will have a rocky marriage. I married a momma's boy and did not realize the $hit I had to deal with and now know after 17 years of marriage with a mother somwewhat similar to that, she will try to run the show and if she can't she will possibly throw the guilt-trip card or sympathy card to win her way. I hope things work out for you sooner than later. For my marriage it took a couple sessions of marriage counseling to finally open up my husbands eyes to the horrible behavior and effect it was having on our marriage and 4 kids. Luckily my kids (15, 14, 12, 10) are old enough to have their own opinion of their grandmother and they still don't want anything to do with her. They do not like the favortism she does with the other grandkids...for example my MIL bought the other 6 grandkids gifts and none of mine received any. Oh well she is the one that ruined her relationship with my kids, so sad.....Good luck!