Meddling Mamas

It's a long story but I will try to make is simple. My hubby and I have been married three years now and are having major issues with the mother of his children. When we were engaged his slept with his ex-girlfriend (less than three weeks to our wedding day). He told me what happened the same day I found out I was pregnant. Saying I was upset is an understatement, but he claimed that they didn't have sex at that time, or at least that he didn't remember having sex with her. He even said some crazy stuff about how being around her made him realize how much more of a woman I was. It took me awhile to even tell him I was pregnant, in fact didn't until I was told I might miscarry the baby. We worked everything out and got married, and then I did lose the baby in the fifth month of pregnancy. About a month later, his ex girlfriend tells him that she is six months pregnant with twins. I know this may sound strange but even with him saying he didn't think the babies were his and all the other drama and hurt feelings I looked forward to them being born and part of our lives.

At this point everything got incredibly awkward between his mother and I. She had already let me know that she was "glad" our baby died, which is something that I think is hard to forget. (It wasn't like "because the baby won't suffer", or "you wouldn't have to suffer the hard pregnancy"- she said she didn't want  ME to have his child.... me, the wife). Before she found out his ex was pregnant she hated her. She would talk bad about her, in fact she would even call me and try to get me on the bandwagon of badmouthing the girl (I never did, my opinion is that the only person I have to be mad at about the situation is my hubby, she got hurt just like I did, maybe even more because I got the man and she had his children). BUT now all that has changed she adores this woman, she is so sweet, strong, smart- she calls the ex her daughter, and best friend (she won't even acknowledge our marriage, didn't show to the anniversary, etc), especially in my presence. She will say things like " Well I am always going to be on 'so-n-so''s side because she is the mother of my grand-babies".

It is extra hurtful considering what she has said to me and that she knows we have lost four more babies since we got married- our own set of twins and two more pregnancies. And each of these losses has taken a huge toll on me. I already had a child when we married and I cannot say that I love any of the babies I lost less than I do the one living that I have.... in that same token I cannot say that I love the twins less than I do their would-have-been brothers or sisters. 

Now to put the whole thing together --his mother and the ex tell people that they think we, or specifically I, would hurt the twins and are afraid to let them come to our house. When we have had the twins they got along great with my daughter and me. They have fun and laugh and are at ease. The children/step-parent thing is awesome, the kids and I have it down pat. But in the three years they have been alive we have had them less times then we can count on one hand. We are in the middle of getting court ordered rights, but the court decision is going to be far off (already nearly two years in court, so many extensions and rescheduled dates... his ex is milking every month she can, especially since we live in another state) His mother has even testified against us in court saying we fight, beat each other, do drugs, are verbally abusive to her and my child, the list goes on and on. I wonder sometimes if this is the idea of his ex, I will let you see the twins if you testify thing, but even if it is that I cannot excuse a mother turning on her son and trying to make it so he cannot have his children. 

Right now, if he wants to see his children he has to be supervised at his mother's house (she criticizes, cusses, yells, and makes up stories while he is there). I kept telling him that there was something up with that situation when his ex was the one to suggest it in court, but I think he really wants to believe his mother wouldn't betray him or his children like that. Plus, I try to stay out of it and let him handle it.

Also, this is a huge improvement on what the previous arrangements were- him sitting in his ex girlfriend's bedroom to see his kids. She lives with her mother and claimed her mother didn't want him in the house, with the exception of her room she shares with the children. He wants to have a relationship with his children, and despite how much the idea bothered me, I want him to have one too. So for over a year I have put my feelings aside and let him go without fussing with him. It is in the best interest of the children and they are really the only truly innocent parties here. Besides that he would record the children playing and stay on the phone with me (he would leave his phone in his pocket- I would just set the house phone on speaker and go about my business) but it made me feel good to know what lengths he would go to in order to show he wanted my trust, even though I can honestly say he already has it.  He is a great father and the twins ask for him all the time, and he calls them everyday. I am always present when he calls and he goes the extra mile to make sure I am comfortable as much as possible. But the visitation situation is why we are now in court. After about eight months the ex started to try to talk to him about coming back to her, the more he tried to explain that wasn't an option the more upset she got, then she would send e-mails to me implying that they were sleeping together, or send pictures of him sitting on her bed with the twins (mind you I am hearing her offer to take the picture then it shows up in my inbox captioned "guess what we did on that bed when the kids fell asleep"...it is kinda comical). When that didn't work my mil starting to join in, at the time I was pregnant and not trying to deal with any stress. She would send my other-half pictures of his twins and divorce attorney's cards. We decided that if we wanted any peace we would have to move. So we did three hours away, and filed papers in court to guarantee our visitation.

I have not mentioned how much it has bothered me that while grieving not getting to see my own babies grow up I am missing watching their brother and sister grow up.. they had never seen me, not even once (up until their first birthday- which I attended at his mother's and was treated horribly, if the babies reached for me to hold them the mil would ****** them from me... that woman!!!!) We got visitation for a short period of time, but when my ex mentioned to his attorney that the babies consistently had diaper rashes when we got them, his ex turned around and started with all the craziness I mentioned above, and since his mother said all kinds of things about us being unfit, violent, drug addicts, and mistreating my child, I can see why a judge is being cautious with us... I don't want to take the kids from her, I think that would be so hard for them, but there are times I think it might be better for them in the long run... we wouldn't try to keep them from the kids unless they kept this crap up....I wish she would be more mature and start thinking about the children first. But I am sure the ex and the mil think they are completely justified. They claim I am the one who starts stuff and tells my hubby what to do. they claim I control him, and don't want him around his children- mil even tells my hubby that she tells the children that (anyone else ever wish you could record people without their knowing and present it in court??? sure beats the he-said, she-said). 

Anyways, I am at the point ...that even moved this far away and having a husband that loves me and having a great, healthy relationship between the two of us... I am about to just leave. If he doesn't't stand up for himself and his children he i going to let these women take his children. I don't' think I could handle that, I couldn't't feel like I made him choose between our marriage and his children and that is what his ex and mother are trying to do. And today the reason I felt the need to write this today is because his mother called (she knows his work schedule, so I know it is to mess with me) and told me that even though we have our next weekend visit this weekend with the children if I plan on coming his ex is going to disappear with the kids. I am just tired of someone trying to use the fact that I actually care about the children to upset me or run me out of her son's life.  I know my hubby told her that we just started trying again to conceive, why would she intentionally try to upset me... makes me not want a baby just because she would be the grandmother!

cece3611 cece3611
26-30, F
3 Responses Mar 7, 2010

Get out now while you are still young enough to find someone who truly loves and supports you.

I hate to say this, but I think you deserve better. Your husband shouldn't let this go on, and there's probably a lot your not even telling us. I would never have married him either. And I it just sounds like a huge mess to me. You sound like a punching bag for everyone. You only live once.... Make it count. Why is your husband telling them you're trying to concieve if he knows how much they hate you? Sounds to me like your husband plays both sides. My opinion is that you move on. Divorce him, never talk to any of them again!! Honestly. Sounds cruel, but you'll never be happy with any of them.

Oh man. This is rough. I wouldnt have married this man first of all. It seems you have been put through so much. Plus she shouldnt know when you are trying to concieve. I feel terrible for you.