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Struggling To Understand

I'm Brett and this is my story..

Four years ago I began making youtube videos in an attempt to conquer my debilitating social anxiety disorder; I was virtually a hermit and saw it as a chance to reach a world I feared from a safe distance. One fateful evening a beautiful young woman came across some of my videos she contacted me on MSN and we started talking philosophy. Weeks led to months and within three months we both knew for sure something special was going on here.

Believe it or not unbeknownst to me then, my demon of a mother in law was already beginning her war on me. She started sneaking outside my then girlfriend’s computer room and un plugging the ADSL cord from the socket every few nights. We would stay up late as my Fiancée had to chat after she finished work. Keep in mind although we both were 21 at the time, our b'days are 5 days apart. She started telling me some stories as the friendship blossomed into love, of her mothers mistreatment of her children and how much it frustrated her and her little sister that their Mum seemed to others to be a wonderful mother and thus they could never turn to anyone because of her influence, they merely ignored their cries for help.  Kitty’s mother and father separated when she was an infant and she was put in dual custody, her Filipino step mother was highly abusive and eventually her Mum got full custody…..who in essence is just as bad. Stepfather and the biological dad of her little sister is infact is not an abuser but a reinforcer of abusive conduct in his wife.

Don't get me wrong she would never raise a hand to her girls but she has other ways of hurting them. Eventually my Fiancée and I decided to meet, we were in different states, I in Sydneyand she in Melbourne. I went down on a holiday luckily just before I came down, in fact because of it, she moved out of home to live with a girlfriend. Her Mum had already started heckling her about me, without even knowing me at all. I must say I can sympathizes a bit, it would be hard for any Mum in that position. Never the less we met and I infact stayed in Melb for 8 months until we finally decided on moving to Sydneytogether in a home my parents owned.

When I first met MIL and FIL they didn't even greet me. This was the third day I had known my fiancée. MIL came over to our shared house unannounced and demanded Kitty my fiancée mind her step dad’s (FIL) Dad's dog because he was sick. Circumstances as they were kitty accepted MIL's demands. The whole time she was there she didn't say anything to me except "Oh you must be Brett" and when I replied and tried to start a conversation I was blatantly ignored, literally as if I didn't exist at all. I knew then I was in for trouble.

During the eight months I was formally introduced to the family, instant ally falling in love with my new lil sister, I can't say the same for my MIL and FIL. The air could be cut with a knife every time we met, I tried so hard, flowers, going to dinner every week so she didn't feel I stole her daughter but nothing worked. To her I was just an obstacle to be rid of and it wasn't without its direct insults either, the nature of my anxiety means I can't work and I can sometimes get very stressed in public or around strangers. MIL openly suggested that Kitty was only with me because of pity. Questioned how my parents raised me, asked if my dyslexia was genetic and then stated that it would be unwise to have children with me because their lives would be too hard with a learning difficulty. This went on over the 8 months we were in Melbourne.

The true poop hit the proverbial fan when we announced that we were going to move to Sydneyand start a life together. Madness ensued, Kitty caught up in the moment and not wanting to hurt her family went along with the lunacy. We broke it to them gently at their home, it didn’t make a difference. MIL went into meltdown crying like a whipped pup she demanded Kitty come with her to clear the air. She took her on a 15 minute drive to a bushwalking track that takes 25 mins to complete and on the course of it let loose everything she had to try and separate us.

She stated I was broken and my disability would be like a weight to Kitty, that I had manipulated Kitty into loving me and moving and it was my intent to break her family up, that Kitty was making the biggest mistake of her life and only loved me because I was like a broken toy she pitied and wanted to fix.....on and on and on.

Meanwhile I'm left sitting in their lounge room with FIL for almost an hour with him staring straight at me the whole time saying occasionally "if you hurt her I'll kill you" and "don't forget you poofta I know where you live" I've never felt more alone or like I wanted to die in my whole life, it was terrible, in a strange state/city/house with a guy who hated my guts spouting abuse at me every ten mins out of the icy silence, while he stared at me like a serial killer.

Weeks later MIL had a 'change of heart' and we had an interim period of about a week where our shared houses rent situation changed so we had to leave and our flight to Sydney. Rather then get a motel Kitty, still having faith in her Mum I had long since lost asked her if we could stay rather then motel and pay a huge fee for having our cats in the room. It was living hell. Comments constantly through the walls about how they worried for her safety with me ect act. Virtually ignoring me all together, FIL with more of his "I’ll kill you" BS. And then the delay tactics became apparent, all of a sudden we were terrible people for asking them if we could stay, and they couldn’t give us a lift to the airport for another 5weeks because they were too busy with work, at this time MIL was unemployed and FIL was a day courier. The tickets were booked and we didn’t know where to turn. So for the first time I got angry and picked up the phone had a conversation with my Mum about how she would have to bail us out and pay for a Taxi and I would pay her back later...mind you it would have been a $400 fare. Well jealousy seems to motivate MIL and she decided that FIL (very hen whipped guy that he is) would give us a lift, there wasn’t a word spoken in the car all the way there.

We lived in Sydney for 2 and a half years, after 6 months in Syd, MIL decided she would send little sis up by herself for a holiday then she and FIL would drive up to NSW and pick sis up and go on a road trip back down with her. Well Jealousy also makes her a psycho. She got out of the car and immediately bashed the street, claiming it looked like it was full of criminals and such, she insulted the area and then the exterior of our cute little cottage Dad and I had just finished painting and planting dozens of new flowers around. Calling it a 'old fibro place, I thought they pulled these down' the insults continued inside, over anything possible the narrowness of the hall, the flat screen TV and Xbox were apparently as she said, a sign of immaturity and bad for children’s brain development and a terrible influence on lil sis. Anything and everything..........

We had spent hundreds on foods that we had asked her just days before if she wanted she said yes and specified her favorites, she then told us she and FIL were on a diet (apparently a no anything diet) they brought their own food then asked where a supermarket was, they then went and bought more of their own and ate barely any of ours. When my parents came around for a barbecue that evening to meet them for the first time, she changed and became little miss wonderful, praising the house she had just condemned as a dump, claiming I had enriched kittys life and we made a fantastic couple…………….WTF! Dad brought a Pavlova over and asked if they wanted any and he got to see her true colours a bit. FIL at first said yes, then in a harsh tone and loud voice she shrieked “You’re not allowed any, you’re on a diet now go to the fridge and get your yoghurt and eat it!” to which he replied “yes” and did so.

The next day she awoke in a thunderous mood, claiming the guest room and bathroom were like a dolls house and the mattress was too hard, I ate my cornflakes and as she ranted I felt my control slipping. She started claiming we had fed lil sis only junk and our food was unhealthy (lil sis is a vego and ate 3 square meals a day of fresh cooked food) Still my head was pushing against a grind stone, I chomped on as she raved. FIL nodding like a trained dog. Then Kitty offered if they would like to take some bread rolls with them on their camping road trip because we would never eat them all, MIL replied that she would only throw them to the ducks as she didn’t want lil sis eating anymore crap.

I snapped gave her a HUGE piece of my mind, FIL nearly punched me but he had to ask her permission and she wouldn’t let him (thank god he’s over 165kg and 6’2) grabbed lil sis (still in her PJ’s) and left claiming she had never been so insulted in her life….mind you I never actually yelled or threw petty insults. I vowed then I would never deal with her again and if I could wouldn’t’ let kitty either because of the abuse she had constantly suffered since she was a child. MIL never does housework her children are literal slaves, the one chore she does is cook, her house is a pit with cat poo on the floor, rotting meat and veggie off cuts being eaten by maggots and flies on her benches, and she had the hide to insult my lovely house. Kitty didn’t speak to her for a year unless it was about her sister, little sis was allowed to come up to see us every school holidays though, but kitty had to talk to the dragon queen everyday and tell here everywhere they went and assure her lil sis was never alone with me, this repulsed Kitty but she desperately wanted to see her sis who she thinks of as almost as a daughter. Eventually Mother and child started a tenuous relationship over the phone, but I was never mentioned.

By the end of our couple of years in Sydney my mental problems had degraded quite a bit and my parents went through a hellish time loosing best friends to cancer, almost loosing my Nana who has final stage Alzheimer’s, my brother tried to commit suicide, and then so did mum all in the space of a week......this resulted in huge tension I couldn’t handle and we exploded. Terrible things were said I will always regret and I needed space, as much as I could get from their drama. I was on the verge of breakdown. So stupidly we returned to MIL who was more then happy to help lapping up my story and glad to help me with my disorders. A full turn around had occurred and we moved into her Granny flat attached to her house......I actually believed she had changed and maybe was just threatened by me or something.

We became almost friends, even FIL got along with me…..my faith in humanity was lifted and I felt quite happy except for my own parental problems. It came up that they were going on a driving trip of the UKat the end of the year and we asked if they wouldn’t mind if we came along ask Kitty has relatives she’s never met or hadn’t seen in years there and I had never been overseas but have British heritage. MIL had no money and Kitty now happily content her Mum was at last being just that a MUM! Decided to lend her Mum almost $15,000 out of her savings to buy the tickets, accommodation, car hire and spending money with MIL to pay us back in a year or two at the most. The flight was booked 6 months in advance and we were best buddies all the way from then until we stepped off the plane in London….

Well once she got on the holiday she didn’t have to suck up and the ***** was back more then ever, she insulted me, Kitty my family, my disability, the fact I haven’t been to University, called me dumb, you name it we fought like cats and dogs trapped in a car with each other for 8 hours a day…… she even refused to go to landmarks and tourist sites we wanted to see and had agreed to seeing only going to places she had an interest in. I wanted to book a ticket home and leave her for dead, FIL took me aside and told me I’d ruined kitty’s life enough and not to stuff up her holiday too. Kitty was devastated, betrayed by her parents and faced with having to cut her holiday short, a holiday she had dreamed of since childhood, all she wanted to do was see Ireland and where her family is from and with me wanting to go home, it would mean she would miss it. I will resent her forever in a way for making me stay because parts of me died sucking up to and contending with the Hellhound. I apologized, even groveled and she lapped the attention up spewing some crap about how she knew I was troubled but and how she would never have chosen me for Kitty but has to put up with me and that life…..The holiday ended 3 weeks later. I fell into a deep and violent depression, I was aggravated she beat me like that and betrayed us so blatantly. We started searching for a house to rent to get away….but it’s a limited area and very pricey…we were stuck.

Months ago the oven had died in the flat and there was no phone line so MIL happily offered for us to enter her place and use hers anytime….Kitty did so about 2 months after the holiday and was confronted by a almost evil toned ice cold MIL…..”you’re not welcome in here when I’m not home, if you want to use the phone in future use your mobile”  Kitty brought up the fact she refused to put a phone line in unless we paid half, and asked about using the oven to which MIL said “you can’t use that either” Kitty was astonished and also asked what if I want to roast or something for dinner or make a cake “Not my problem” was the stern reply…………

I flipped it, I have never lost it that bad in my life…I know it was wrong to abuse someone like that but my mind felt like an elastic band just snapping……I screamed at her, I told her she didn’t have the right to talk to or treat my Fiancée like that. Among other things from my history of knowing her and the holiday……I told her to stick it and that she wasn’t worth knowing….well FIL came home tried to crush my skull…again!!! And I was promptly kicked out and Kitty was told she was welcome to stay, but not to use the phone or oven again….My parents who had forgiven all from the past stepped in and have taken us in back in Sydney until we get on our feet again. Unfortunately we can’t bring our furnishings so Kitty is stuck down there alone for at least two months and we’re madly trying to sell our possessions on Ebay! But in the weeks since I left MIL has according to friends as well as her daughters….gone quite mad.

Acting as if nothing happened trying to talk to Kitty, but its just a façade….Kitty wont talk to her at all, she’s lost all faith in her as a human being and it saddens me a Mum could do that to her own Kid. MIL tries to corner Kitty if she leaves the flat, saying “why are you doing this to me, he abused me I’m his victim” or “don’t you love me” when ignored  or deflected by brief comments she enrages exclaiming Kitty is living in denial  and I have abused and manipulated Kitty into hating her family…..even going so far as to say I brainwashed her.  She has slipped notes accusing me of being a ‘woman abuser’ and claiming she is concerned for Kitty’s safety. Standing within ear shot of kitty discussing me and hinting that I bash her. Telling kitty’s relatives that she kicked me out because I abuse women and implying to them that I bash Kitty…..alone there my beautiful soulmate is suffering…and there’s not a thing I can do to stop it, only time can free her really. An Easter egg arrived strapped to the front door of the flat which Kitty returned. Lil sis informs us that she crushed it in a fit of rage muttering my name and ranting like a mad woman. There have been times when we have thought we would have to leave each other over this madness because of the huge stress psychologically on us…but we have resolved that we are soulmates and never to let MIL win.

Kitty is there for three more weeks……..and that is our story so far…

hbisacow hbisacow 22-25, M 5 Responses Apr 8, 2010

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I am so sorry for what you have been threw ive been in the mother in law he ll too<br />
sounds like my '' wonderful mother in law'' i cant stand mine and we mooved out over a year ago <br />
cant wait mothers day is comming up and it gets me its like shes the only mother <br />
in the family , i dont get a cake . its so hard for me to hugg her for mothers day all the h ell she put us threw for 18 long months , i suffer from depression too mine got so bad the stress my mother in law cause me make me have a stroke . i feel lkinda bad for feeling this way when she passess i wont miss her .

My God!! I can't imagine someone so abusive. I hope you and Kitty stay far far away from that woman once Kitty moves out. She is a toxic person, and her love poison. I feel for you and welcome to our group. We are here for you and you shall not find rejection here.

Brett check out this link: http://www.2knowmyself.com/rejection/Being_rejected There are several others online, but this one seemed to help me understand the dynamics of why people reject. ~ peace

Hey, welcome and thanks for posting in our group. We don't get men very often. Your story was heartbreaking. Why can't these mothers see how much they are hurting their own children? I feel the same way about my husband being my soulmate and there is nothing his mother can do to break us apart. Thank goodness you guys have resolved to be together! All my MIL has achieved is breaking her own childs heart and alienating herself from our lives. There is a website about rejection and how to overcome it which helped me alot in dealing with the outright nastiness and rejection from my MIL and her family. I'll come back and post the link for you, MB it will help. ~ peace