Angry/hurt/ashamed

This is a letter i wrote to my mother about a year after she had an affair. I can't keep silent any more, my angry and hurt is consuming me. This is how i feel so i wanted to share it with you all. She has lied to my sister and me for a VERY long time now and im just fed up. Enjoy! -->

Dear Mom,
I’m writing this letter so I can express my true feelings without being shot down, ignored, hung up on, or told that I am wrong.
I wonder if your old family and how things used to be ever cross your mind; but on the other hand I don’t really even care.
You and I have an artificial relationship. I do not want you contacting me in any way, talking to you is too painful for me and I never know if you are lying to me. You’ve lied to me for so long, to my face, and a mother does not do that to her family. What you have done to my sister and I, your daughters, and to my dad, your husband of 22 years, was hurtful, vicious, and disloyal.
I am so ashamed to tell people you are my mother. However, I still have this determination that the “broken pieces” of my family lies solely on me. I understand the dynamic, but I still haven’t fully accepted that I do not have the power to change it.
If you would just tell me the truth when a question is asked of you that would be half of the battle. But instead, you choose to continue to lie to me. I am not a little girl anymore; I know more of what goes on than what you expect me too. I know when you are lying to me. Even after I have confronted you numerous times when I have caught you lying, you lie even more to cover up your initial lie.
I already have a massive knife in me that you stabbed into each of your family members’ hearts, the day you decided to commit you infidelity. Each time you lie to me, that knife jams in deeper.
I honestly don’t think you can differentiate reality from your lies. I believe you have told so many lies that you now believe all of them are reality.
You always use your “friends” as excuses, by telling me you are with them, when in all actuality you are with some man. I hope your “friends” know about this and will someday realize they aren’t really your friends, but yet they are your cover stories.
You are always trying to buy my sister and I’s love and that is just not how things work. You always play us against each other when one of us is upset with you, which is immoral on many levels. No matter what you do or say, you will never break my sister and I’s bond or come between us. My sister and I have gone through too much together.
I have spent a tremendous amount of my time contemplating why you have done this to our family. I may never know, but I feel as though you should have to spend the rest of your days feeling remorse for what you have done.
You have told me, “Everyone makes mistakes.” And I agree, but rarely does everyone make the same mistake over and over and over and over again. We as human beings are “programmed” to learn from our mistakes so that we can act differently the next time the same situation arises. You, my friend, have not learned from what you have done and never will. You continue to hurt your kids with your lies.
I’m the one who has to deal with the aftermath of your emotionally destructive path, you do not. Instead you choose to live an imaginative life where you cannot grow old. It’s time you snap out of the day dream and step back into reality. Everyone grows old, you are no exception.
You used to be a kind, loving, compassionate, and warm-hearted person. You now are a self-involved, manipulative, betraying woman. All you care about is anything revolving around you. Sometimes I feel as though it is the fault of my sister and I, for being born to you when you were so young. But at the same time you made that choice to have us, and did not have too.
You always choose your friends and man over your family. Just like when your niece had a birthday party and you chose to go out with your friends the night prior, rather than go to wish her a happy birthday, she was looking forward to seeing you.
Someday you will wake up and will have no one there for you. Hopefully you will look back and see it was the fault of you, and only you.
I am so emotionally exhausted from wondering how and why you chose to hurt and betray me. I will say that I will not dwell on you anymore. You have proved time and time again that you are not worth the worry.
Your behavior has hurt me to the point that I am almost incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. This has made me push anyone away that is close to me or tries to get close to me. I am incapable of trusting anyone because of you.
I have tolerated your irrational thoughts and behaviors for so long and I will not keep all of the anger and hurt inside anymore. You always bring me down, and it’s time I say, “Enough!”
I loved my mother I used to have and miss her deeply. My mother I have now has put her own daughters on the backburner and is now just a name to me. I, in a million years, would have never thought that my mother I used to have would act the way she does now, like an under-developed teenager.
Thinking about all of the horrible things and lies you have told my father, sister, and me, makes me physically and emotionally ill. I now see things so differently and don’t see the world the same anymore and I blame you.
I disapprove of what you have done and what u are doing; it is eating me alive. You have shaken the foundation of my whole world. Just remember, you have to live with yourself and the decisions you choose to make. I hope from now on you choose wisely.
Your hurt/angry daughter,
-MD
“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It is a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’re hurt.”
nursechik10 nursechik10
22-25
Jul 13, 2010