Familiar Strangers

They say that your family should be your shelter, your base..that you`ll never have more unnconditional love than that you received as a child.

For me, those are kind of fairy tales..I look at my toys from time to time, and try to remember when have I changed..what happened with me. My family is quite weird and crazy. Inside and outside. I`ve been living my last 19 years in their company and there have been good times and also times when I felt I could smash myself and destroy myself to stop the pain.

To start with, my mother is a teacher. She`s very, very conservative, perfectionist and she pannicks out of anything. It`s like, she loves to scream and shout and make stupid theories and torture me with her unfulfilled ambitions. I tried. God knows that I tried so hard to reach to her heart, and someimes I felt that I almost did it. Until she gave me another line like "I`m so stupid, that I`m irresponsible, mean bad idiocratic and crazy. And worthless. And that her life would be different if..that she would be happier if I would..." and so, so on. Lines that I`ve been hearing all my life. She thinks that "she can fix everything", including my "disease" of trying to take control over my own ******-up life.

I can`t even speak, or react in front of her, because she interpretates everything as an insult to her own address. And she starts to scream. And the circus begins.

I`m not saying I don`t appreciate what she`s doing for me, compared to my dad, that has the mind of a 3-year old and no care in the world. I do appreciate that. But she constantly tries to say I`m worthless and crazy. And then she calls that "love".

I`ve been through so many dark periods because of the pressure and fighting that I thought I was going to die, or run away from home or something to be somehow saved.  She constantly tries to conrol every inch of my breath and my every word, and then she calls me "irresponsible" and "worthless" because she says I don`t do nothing and try to avoid her. Of course I try to avoid her, she never gave me the chance to proof that I actually CAN do something in my life. That I can do...it`s that hope that keeps me alive.

Only that sometimes I can`t help it, and keep crying and being depressed out of nothing, because some evil voice lurks in me saying that "maybe she`s right", "maybe I am worthless, idiotic and crazy" like she says...Last time I believed in her words I ended up with a bottle of pills in my hands and suicidal thoughts. I just don`t want to let myself fall down again for her, it`s like she put her master mind to totally destroy me. And she says that she cares for me, and "what you feel is wrong". How can so much pain and misery come out of nothing? How can you say you "love" someone and not accept him/her entirely, always picking on his looks, face, body, mind?...it`s abuse..

A lot of people told me not to care, but they don`t live with "that" in their home, 24*7. I believe that my mother is a mentally instable woman, just like my grandmother. They used to laugh about me ever since I was a kid and call me names. Once, she beated the hell out of me because I swallowed a gum. (a gum!!! and I`m not kidding)..she believes that the whole world holds a conspiracy against her, but she lives in a lie, and she wants to drag me there with her, rather than face her own issues..

Sometimes I think I judge her too harshly, but the way she behaves with me, it`s like she wants to be insulted, she`s almost waiting for a fight, and then, waiting to play the victim role, and blame me. Maybe I`m wrong, but I so hope that God will help me this time, because I feel that I`m loosing hope..that I would never have children because I`m too scared of not ending up like her...

I hope that I`ll be strong enough, and hope that I would not be lost in the process..Thanks for reading!
gia99 gia99
18-21, F
11 Responses Aug 5, 2010

My mom is a teacher too.... though she does not yell at length, the compulsive anxious<br />
perfectionist traits are definitely there.... not to mention the negativity. It does not matter<br />
what you do, you will never measure up to her expectations and the longer you are around<br />
her the worse you will feel. You must move away from her as soon as you can.......<br />
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best luck to you,

Thank you very much naturenanny for your advice, I tried that arleady..I kept something like a recovery-journal, about my feelings and experiences, also containing hours of meditation writings and feelings that I had after I had that horrible suicide attempt..when I realised that maybe there is other purpose for me, other than the "worthless tape" that I kept hearing again and again. <br />
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I wrote a letter especially for her, with all the things that I tried to say and said one thousand times..the way that I wish her to see me, all the pain and abuse that I`ve been through many years trying to be the coatch between her and dad, all the nasty stuff that she tells me, yells, makes crisis, or even hits me, I wrote all that saying to her that the relationship with her hurts me. And that only God and meditation saved me that time. Not her "daily compliments". I tried to explain to her that all her hate, anger cannot be my fault.<br />
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You know what was her reaction? None. Not a glimpse of reaction. She was just like a piece of wood. Believe me, I tried even that, I realise it`s too late for them to change. They don`t want to change. I understand that she had an abusive mother, that she done things many couldn`t do, that she is strong, but she sees only her own pain. She relies on people and expects to find happiness there, she expects me to "complete" her. And that`s nonsense. You cannot make a child and behave with him like a toy..it`s the same thing with my dad, only that he`s not the abusive type.<br />
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God bless you! It affects me every day, but I try to meditate and listen to positive music that makes me feel less alone..and also Experience Project helps :)

Maybe if you wrote her a letter and told her how you felt, she would have to listen. Sometimes reading what another writes about you is more real than what they hear from your mouth. Just a thought. that is what i do with the loved ones in my life when nothing else has worked. It always gets positive results. God bless you.

thanks alot for posting this . it makes me feel im not alone :)

Thank you very, very much for your comments and support! It feels comfortable and cosy to know that you`ve been through similar experiences, and not only that you managed to take control of your life and decisions, but also survived! It`s a big hint to me, it gives me hope that one day it will be possible for me too. I feel that inside me are two parts, the one day is one I might become, and the other is the voice of the abusers , especially when I have the impression that I fail (because every litle mistake that I made, real or not, produced massive crises explosion, world war II, my neighbours should know better :) It`s kind of difficult to brake my walls, but I wat to give myself chances and to learn to believe and trust. To win myself back. <br />
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Thank you all who have been through this kind of stuff, or been forced to live with negative persons, or people with mental problems, and still keep your hope in life! You are all survivors.

Keep control of your life and turn away from your mother. I'm allot older than you and from my experiences, I know that paying attention to the bithc monthers we are sometimes cursed with doesn't make sense. I'm not one who believes in the old school rules: "You have to love and respect your parents, because they are your parents." <br />
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Just be yourself and separate away from all the bad blood she inflicts on you. I'm much older than you and became a mother at 34 for the first time. Until then and even after, I was convinced I would not be able to be a capable mother and this was sworn to by my own mother. Well, I learnt from my her mistakes. And I learnt well. <br />
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I have two girls in university., successful business and paid-up home and cars. While growing up I always told myself and my mother "I will never do or say the things you say to my children." Of course, I was crazy and unworthy.....according to my mother. <br />
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Well, surprise Mother dearest! I became a better mother than you. I'm not claiming to be perfect, but I don't make my children feel like failures, ****, and wish them dead every day of their lives....<br />
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But I digress. You are young and capable to take care of you! That is all that counts. Negative energy from your mother will only sap the positive energy mother nature has given you. Bless you and Good luck!

wiyhout in any way trying 2 tell u what 2 do, i have found that since being in this economoc meltdown and having my hours cut at work i decided 2 look in2 voluntary work and have never been happier,in fact i have now cut my work hours 2 part time and have found that i get treated better at work and not taken 4 granted as much. u get 2 meet so many people n help others that i have found that my time and energy is used much more positivly without me realising it and as a result i no longer have the time or inclination 2 think of negative influences in my life. and with voluntary work if 1 thing dosent suit u, u r free 2 choose something else which is quite liberating and things may fall in2 place 4 u so u can have a better quality of life-all the best 2 u

Thank you for your comment, it`s a comforting thought that we`re not alone, and maybe make it with our own lives and rights. My mother`s so called "love" for me, I would call it more like "control" and "obligation", whatever it is is conditional. I didn`t even dare to ask her for anything, not money, not clothes, not shoes, I`ve tried my best to borrow or to be happy with what I`ve arleady have..because after she gave me money, or bought me something, she REALLY, really made sure that I won`t forget that, for the rest of my life. The same thing when she rarely cooked something, it was like "Whoa, look at me I did that and you worthless didn`t help me". of course I don`t feel any kind of reward in helping somebody that treats me like she does. And she expects rewarded for that. I believe that in a healthy parent-child relationship, you do things for your child because you wish to, you love him, not because you`re obligated to...or beat him for that.<br />
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She`s also the only one who pays most of the things in the house, and I totally respect that. But there are thousands of people like her, who are contempt with their life, not blaming their child. She has been abused herself, but doesn`t want to admit it, as hard as I tried. Is easier to deny than to recognise that her own mother was and continues to be one of the mean/crazy people I`ve met. Is easier for her to torture me, to control my life, to call me crazy.<br />
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I have many issues that couldn`t possibly appear to someone who lived in a fairytale. I have self-destructive habits, controlling issues, trust issues, and don`t know how to le myself loved..and express myself..but I`m working on it. And definetly I`ll try my best not to let her or others bring me down. <br />
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Best wishes! We`ll carry on!

when i read this i thought we had shares in the same mother-i honestly thought she would mellow with age but has become a vile abomination of a human being and just when i thought she couldnt get any worse she goes and surpasses herself. she 2 thinks that the entire planet owes her everything while she has never worked in her entire life or paid 4 anything.it seems 2 me that she only had us 7 children so that we can all run around "mothering"her. we dont spk now as when i try 2 appease her she sees it as another chance 2 play the hard done by victim, which usually ends up with her wanting money because as she keeps shouting at me "IM YOUR MOTHER". we dont spk now and ive never ever been happier-u are not alone- i feel 4 you

Thank you, it really means a lot to me. It`s very hard to break my walls and be myself, when the same walls protect me from the chaos and crazyness of my family. I lost somebody I really loved, because I couldn`t express my feelings for him, and couldn`t be myself with him..it`s like I was waiting to receive the same "treatment" as home..<br />
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Wish you the best, and hope we`re gonna make it sometime in this life!

Keep your head up and keep going.There's no way you can be worthless and you dont sound crazy at all to me.I know exactly what youre talking about when you talk about your relationship with your mom.When i was reading this I felt like i was reading something that i wrote.Youre not alone.