Ready To Accept She Will Never Change.....

Thank you for sharing. I was abandoned by my mother, so many times, and watched as her decisions led to the violent death of my half brother. There are no words to truly express the rage we motherless children feel. But they will never acknowledge their crimes. They will never accept responsibility. All we can do is refuse to let them victimize us or or loved ones with everything we've got. Sometimes mother is another word for monster.

oh how i can relate to your stories, i am in trouble financially and my mother who now needs someone to look after her. said come and stay with me, i fell for it ....then i arrived and day 1 ..she tells me i need to go and buy some decent clothes as the way i dress is not ok and she is embarrassed. my mother has been abusive all of my life ....my siblings are all OK and i am not OK . she is nasty, abusive, manipulative and very cruel. I have tried to care about her ...but the pain she causes is beyond belief.....no one sees it as she does this when we are alone ...i feel 5 years old and ashamed every time i am around her . i have suffered depression most of my life .....i have tried so hard to get a life but i still hate myself .....i do hate my mother .....she is horrid ......why she treated me so badly i dont understand ....to her i am disgusting .....i wanted to heal the pain but it is not possible .

I thank you so much for sharing your experience. There is comfort in knowing there are others who understand and have gone through similar experiences and offer their stories in consolation.

I thought I was the only one who had a mean mother. I always felt guilty that deep inside, I hated my mother. Growing up,my mother would always tell me that she wished she had pinched my nose so I couldn't breathe, and she didn't have to put up with me. She was always angry and let other kids call me prostitute back even when I didn't even know what the word meant (since I was still in kindergarten). Naturally, I was hurt when I found out what the word meant, for a 5 year old that memory stays.

My mom was always abusive. She would say mean things to me and hurt me physically. I was a stubborn child and stood up to her even as a 5 year old. When I thought she was doing something wrong I said so. When she shouted at me, I shouted back. She never could accept the fact that I stood for myself, was fighting back, and didn't take here abuses sitting down. I cried, but I answered back, but I never lifted a finger to physically hurt her as she did me. She hurt me but I just stood up back again.

Of course, there were times when I couldn't take it anymore. I did try to commit suicide a couple of times, but thank God, I am still here.

I guess, she hated me because I could do what she couldn't. I stood up for myself and didn't take abuses just like that. As a youngster, at first i just answered her back but didn't fight back when she hurt me. In my mind, I always told myself, she can do whatever she wanted with me but I wouldn't physically hurt her because she's my mother. Growing up with her was hell, I had to put up with verbal and emotional abuse.

Finally after so many years of taking her abuses, I finally decided, if she hurt me one more time, I'm going to fight back. That's when I told myself it was time to leave home. When she began hitting me on the chest and I put my arms forward and started hitting her to prevent her from hitting me again and again. It was really time to leave.

Now at 45, I avoid contact with my mother. Right now, it is the best option for me. I can't let her keep verbally abusing me. I have made a good life for myself. My kids and I have very good relationships. Listening to her is like inviting stress into my life. Thank you for this site because it has lifted my false burden about my mother. Yes, we should honor our parents, but we shouldn't let them ruin our life.

I couldn't understand how mothers could be so abusive. Yes, there are abusive mothers. My mother is one of them. Yes, AVOID them. AVOID them for your own sanity and your peace of mind.

My mother had always shown a nasty streak, based on her need to feel superior in any given relationship, but it started to get out of control when we (four siblings) found our own partners and got married.

There are too many incidents to note in detail here but the killer was when my first child was born. My wife was from overseas and thus was having her first child in a foreign country, with none of her family there for support. The day after the birth, my mother visited her in hospital, disregarding my specific request that she only visit when I was there, and told my wife that I had told my mother that I had not wanted to have kids with her and had actually wanted her to have an abortion.

******* charming!!!!!

It was not long after that that I officially cut all ties with her, telling her that my rights and obligation to protect my child took priority over her rights to see her grandchild.

There was no contact between us from that day forward -- NONE.

My son, now 31, knows the background and respects the decision I took, realising that it saved him from a lot of pain and anguish.

I really identify with your story. I know how hard it is to live through these experiences. Glad your psychologist has acknowledged your obvious strength. Thank you for sharing your story. I need to hear these stories.

Well, it's December 28 and yesterday my mother returned the gift card that I sent her in the mail in a "card" that was not actually a card but her own stamped first initial. I hate my mother. My life almost mirrors the first poster's comments. My mother plays the favorites game, pits family against each other, loves to play the victim and let three of her children be sexually and physically abused from the time we were young children, by her husband, not our father. Even when she found out, she continued to stay with him, for 25 years to be exact, until it no longer suited her. I could go on for hours but why waste the time? She tells me I am sick and need to get help, she has told all of us this from time to time, but guess what? The only one that really needs help is her. My therapist can barely believe his ears with some of the things I tell him. He tells me that I need to stop allowing her to be controlling and move on. That is what I am going to do. The woman is dead to me.

It's just nice not to be alone on this one! I just turned 31 recently, I'd say in the last year and a half I have drastically reduced the time I let my mom screw with my head during visits. I will always feel some kind of love for her, but I don't have to like her. She is, and always will be, a selfish, neglectful, scrutinizing, negative, oblivious, shallow, condescending, childish....i could keep going, but i'm sure i've made my point. She acts helpless, makes a huge dramatic scene in every single thing she does. I think she thrives on attention. Any kind of attention. She picked on me mercilessly as a child. She pretty much ripped apart everything I said or did. But, now, as an adult, she clings to me, tells me how wonderful and special I am...bleh. She tries to buy me anything I show interest in. If I visit her and say we go to a mall, I will come home with arm loads of bags...she does not take no for an answer and gets very loud and emotional if I say I would prefer to either buy the item myself or just don't need it. If I try to spend time with her in a non-shopping environment, she eventually brings up the negative things that happened as I was growing up and reminds me how much I put her through...while, if I try to bring up a positive memory she never seems to remember those. I wish I could have a more normal relationship with her, our family is very small and mostly living in different states now. I would like to have some kind of positive bond with a family member. I'm really thankful to have a good, understanding, supportive husband that was able to make me see that my mother wasn't all that great and that I blamed a lot on myself that wasn't my fault. Better late than never!

Aerin,
I am so proud of you for surviving and breaking the chain. I, too, am in my 50's and hate my mother. She is by far the perfect narcisistic mother. Emotionally abusive. I am now trying to raise my two boys to grow up to be respectful and caring men. They are 17 and 20 and we are all very close and they realize that I can stand up for what is right and not let her abuse them too. Their father left us when I was pregnant with my youngest but stays in touch every now and then. I know they understand that I am their rock and that they, too, need to be strong and stand up for what is right and good. Mean people are too common is this pathetic world and we need to stand up for ourselves. Cut the ties and she can't abuse you anymore.

OMG - I thought I was the only one and that I was a bad person for feeling the way I do about my mother. Like most of you - I am in my 50s and have forgiven that woman so many times - only to fall victim to her manipulative ways again. Like another poster I am single, have raised 3 children on my own - paying mortgage and utilities etc so was always struggling. My mother used money as a way to manipulate us promising assistance and then pulling the plug once I was committed to a course of action - leaving me to cover costs. A couple of weeks ago she did something so bad that I couldn't stop crying for a week - and I finally realised that the only way to protect myself from her was to cut all ties. The woman is now dead to me - and has now said she will disinherit me. I don't care. I don't want her money. I just need her gone from my life forever.

I too dislike my mother. I don't want to use the word hate even though she's almost pushed it there.

She's a manipulating, evil, miserable, hateful, lying woman who compares her situation to everybody else's. I decided today I don't want her to be a part of my life anymore. I'm 52 years old and have been going thru the same **** since I was around 10. She even tries to turn family members against each other (or maybe I should say against me).

I lost my house to foreclosure in 2/2011 and moved in with my mother. Once I got everything settled the first thing out her mouth was "my father wasn't around to help me buy another house" and she said it with a smile on her face.

I let my niece in the house one Sunday while my mother was at church (yes, the devil goes to church) and when my mother got back she said "I wish you all would die" because I let my niece in the house while she wasn't there. She also argued for at least 2 or 3 days maybe even a week telling me not to let anybody in the house. In 6/2012, I finally moved out. Thank God! I couldn't take any more of her mouth because she never shuts up. This woman needs to be locked up in a mental institution. I have never met anyone like this in my entire life and hope I never do again.

The whole time I lived with her she talked about everybody in the family and the neighbors to me. She never said one good about anybody which I told her one day, which I'm quite sure she wasn't thrilled about. After finally getting tired of hearing gossip about the neighbors I told her don't talk to me about them because I don't know anything about them. Her reply was, "If you can't talk about the neighbors get out of my house." On second thought maybe I do hate her. I worked 16 hours a day at home trying to get out of her house because I strangled her to death.

I have came to a decision today after talking to her on the phone which is I don't want to have anything else to do with her for my own sanity. This woman is driving me crazy. She talks about everybody else's business, but she never says nothing about herself and I think she is the worst person I've ever met or known in my life. If you tell her about a problem you're having, she brings it back up to you 1 or 2 days later and I believe she tells everybody else too. While I was staying with her I heard her talking about me, 2 of my nieces, and my nephew on the phone to somebody. I heard her tell somebody "I don't like her" and "**** doesn't like his kids either." When she said that, I knew she was talking about me. I heard her telling someone on the phone how many pairs of casual pants I have which is not a lot because I have a lot of dress clothes. I only have 3 pairs of casual pants. I guess it never occurred to her that I was paying $800 a month that went up to $1,000 for a mortgage and was living by myself and paying all the utilities. She wants to know everything you do so she can talk to you in 1 or 2 days and throw it back up in your face. I don't tell her anything about me if I can help it.

It's a shame that someone would feel like this about their own mother. But the way I see it is I didn't do this and she did. It's her loss not mine. I haven't lost anything. As a matter of fact, I'm going to gain some well deserved peace in my life staying away from her.

I'm so glad to find this group because when I tell people or my family about how my mother treats me, they don't believe me. Yeah, right. Like I would really lie on my mother. I don't think so. My niece told me she's my mother and just ignore it. What she fails to realize is that I've been going thru this for 41 years. Time out for BS. My motto is if you don't like someone, don't talk to them or be bothered with them. And to me my mother seems not to like anybody.

Your story sounds like mine. I'm 46 now and decided last Christmas when my mother started her drama again that I would never go back home ever again. I don't call, I don't send cards, I don't visit. I told them I was done. I'm tired of the exhaustion it takes to be happy to visit them. Nobody in my family has tried to contact me either. My mother is a liar and a manipulator, she tries to control everything and loves being the victim. She even creates her own circumstances to get attention. My cousins and Aunts believe I'm a horrible person for treating my mother badly, they don't care to here or believe how she treats me. I hate my mother and my family, they are so unsupportive, unloving, jealous, and they hate being around me too. I feel somewhere I lost control because I do care about how my Aunts and other family think about me. But too much time has gone by and too much has been done I just can't. I'm suffering, and hurting and miserable.

I just turned 60 and my story is virtually identical to most of the posts on this page. My mother died a year ago this month; I haven't missed her for a single second and I imagine no one else has, either. I felt some sense of regret when she died--regret that she hadn't been capable of being a better mother, a better person and, despite my numerous attempts, that we were never able to establish a loving relationship. Until the end, she continued to be the selfish, jealous, controlling, manipulative woman she'd always been. As much as I hate to admit it, the song that keeps running through my mind for the past year has been, "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead!" I hope that wherever she is now, she's found whatever was missing in her life.

Thats why the commandment is to honor your mother, not love her. You have done so and continue to do so. God bless you!

I completely and unfortunately understand totally...46years old and feel same way and have been told same thing by couselor.

There are plenty of moms out there that are not worth the time it requires to type: I hate my mother. (I too am glad I found this group.)

You are an amazing person to not have just cut the ties. Many people would have. Accepting her as she is, is about all you can do for yourself. Good for you for making a better life for yourself.

I like how the other commenter clarifies that relationships among adults are earned. I have cut contact with my own wretched, drug using, neglectful, emotionally abusive, manipulating and just plain mean mother. This forum is helpful- to know I'm not alone. But also sad there are so many like me. I'm grateful I had a step mom who showed me examples of real womanhood and loving motherhood.

It's a tough decision but I would encourage you to break all contact with your mother as well. I did this and it was the best decision I ever made. She will never change. You have to change the dance in order to preserve your life and your sanity. You owe your mother nothing but respect. And it's ok to respectfully decline to have any contact with her. Relationships among adults are earned. Your mother hasn't earned her place in your adult life...where you now are in charge. Be well!

It's very, very difficult, but I urge you to break off all contact with your mother. It came to that for me August 2011 on my 50th birthday. My older sister, who had moved to Germany in her 20s to get away from my mother, died unexpectedly at the age of 54. I had from May until August listening and watching my mother play at being the grief stricken mother and listen to her crackle with glee over all the flowers/money/attention she was getting while commenting on how my sister meant next to nothing to her and her second husband called my dead sister vile names. As always, I kept my mouth shut to "keep the peace".

I have M.S. - but my mother always expected me to "help out" i.e. do her housework and pay her bills (with my mooney). I was also expected to not come around unless called for, but she she called I was suppose to drop everything a come running to do her bidding. For three days before my 50th birthday I got 2 - 5 phone calls a day telling me that I had better stop in on the actual day of my birthday, no excuses. (My darling husband was taking the day off of work and planning a really nice day out for me). As per usual, the thought of me having a good time was driving my mother nuts. On the day of my birthday I called and told her that my husband & I would stop in at 1 PM. Mother said fine, but then called back 5 minutes later to tell me not to stop, she and her husband had to go to fill up gas cans for the riding lawn mower. Since they're both retired and run to town every day, this was in effect the straw that broke the camel's back.

Two of my mother's favorite things to say to me had always been, "It's my way or the highway". and "tough ****". On my 50th birthday I decided that the highway looked pretty damned good. I changed my telephone number and made sure that she could not get it (unlisted and blocked). I shredded the hate mail she sent me, and just let my husband write back to her demanding that she leave us alone.

Now that she doesn't have me to use as her favorite punching bag, I hear reports of her getting ugly and violent with former friends and neighbors. Her next door neighbor put up an eight foot privacy fence on the border between their properties.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's never too late to get some peace and happiness in your life. You will have times when you feel like a "bad daughter"; but trust me the occasional bouts of guilt are much, much easier to live with than the emotional sh*t- storm that keeping your mother in your life will bring you.

I'm so sorry. I have a mother who I hate. (For very, very good reasons). It will be a wonderful day, when she dies and that's ok to say! It will be a sad day, when she dies! And that's ok to say too. She has mentally abused me, had numerous affairs, and so much more, I can't even get into.



I know your pain, as does many people on this board! You are a very special person, who is not a victim. But a victor! You are not just a survivor. You are a thriver! Best of luck to you. You certainly do deserve it.

Your Life story is very similar to mine. I told my mother and sister what I felt about them nearly 3 years ago now. And I'm now in therapy because of the abuse I still can't forget. I don't miss them although I still feel some anger towards them. I'm much happier not having anything at all to do with them.

All I have to talk is that I hate my mom, she is completely crazy, my only will is get on drugs again because i'm still living with that stupid. Just because you were born from someone's belly it doesn't mean that person may humiliate you.

I've cut ties with my mom and worked fine for me... I send emails for her birthday, mothers day, and Christmas, and that's it. When she insist talking I generally answer that I'm busy, but when she reaaaaly insists I tell her that talking to her is bad for me. She makes me miserable, so why would I impose that to myself? and besides, she never call me to know how I'm doing, she just reaches me to complain about her life, my brothers and my sisters in law (and I know that she does the same with them, complaining about me)... so bye bye mother... don't need you, don't like you, don't respect you... bye bye.

I feel the same way too. Try talking with your mom.

Hang in there I'm 28 years old and have the same problem with my mom expect I finally got the courage to cut ties and the relief of not having to deal with her is amazing. My heart is with u best of luck

Im 36 and have finally decided to cut ties it's been since January.... Let me tell you it's much more peaceful for me... The amount of guilt goes up and down

My mother's emotional abuse was in a cooler vein...subtle at times, but insidious. She frequently belittled me or made "jokes" at my expense. I was the super sweet, goody-goody girl in school. I had straight A's, voted president of the class, my drawings were published on the front cover and inside pages of academic magazines on campus. However, she made disparaging remarks about me, in my presence, and undermined anything I did. I believe the rejection was rooted in my resemblance to my father, both physically and emotionally. She always insulted my hair, which she started perming when I was four. It stung my scalp, but crying was to no avail; I was told I should be ashamed of myself. I was then sent to bed in a head full of curlers, which made it difficult to sleep. She answered my protests with, "I would secretly be disappointed if I didn't have a pretty daughter." I remember her complaining to my grandmother that I didn't look well ( when I was twelve) so she brought home some hair bleach and set to work transforming me. By the time I was in high school, I was bleaching my own hair, wearing too much make-up and tight clothing. I started dating boys who treated me badly. She called me a ***** (I was a virgin). I let my grades drop and she never seemed concerned. By eighteen, I was deeply depressed and attempted suicide. She told me she couldn't trust me anymore because of it. She told me the doctors must have been disgusted with me because they spend their time trying to help people with real problems and I had been a waste of their time. I wasn't expected to live, but I did. It was the kindness of the ER physician and the nurses in ICU who made me want to live. A nun who worked at the hospital encouraged me to become a nurse because I "had such a warm smile". So...I got better with prayer and hard work. I went to a community college and earned an academic scholarship to a top university. My mother's response In front of a large group of poeple, "Let's see if she can pass the classes." Her voice was filled with skepticism. I graduated with high honors, which she never acknowleged. There was one semester when I received a "B". She told a friend of the family that I "wasn't doing very well". In fact, I was on the Dean's List the whole time and was encouraged by my professors to medical school or enroll in a graduate research program. My mother discouraged it and so did my boyfriend. I became a therapist instead, which I enjoy, but.....I'll always wish I had become a physician. By my twenties, a schism still existed between my academic/professional life and my personal life. I had breast implants, wore hair extensions, and married a man who belittles and insults.

At 43, I have retired from therapy work, my husband is much nicer and I deeply love and support my two young daughters. Life is better...but my hair was permanently damaged and is quite thin, I face the unsavory future of having breast explant surgery, and my mom still hurts my feelings with her periodic coldness. Things are not perfect, but there is much for which I am grateful....life, my daughters, improvement in my marriage, and people who share ecouragement and love. Thank you for lisening, :)

I'm 50 and still can not get over the way I was treated by "mommy dearest" My story is way to long but would like to express a little. (It may help me?). I can't even remember a time when my mom was nice to me. All my memorys consist of severe beatings, switches, belts, fists, phone cords that lead to bloody noses, massive brusing not to mention being pulled around by my hair on a daily basis. Think the name calling, (You know the usual, what a mother would call her only daughter-*****, ****, idiot, good for nothing ect..) hurt me more then the beatings and told that I couldnt get along with Jesus Christ himself.My mother-I use that term very lose, is a very mean women. Not only did this women do these horrible things but got my older brother in on the name calling and beatings. She has a way of turning people against each other Esp. when it comes to me. Back then there was no help out there-nobody. I couldnt wait till I was 18 to get the hell out of there. Even then she threaten to call "some place?" when I turned 18 to have me locked up? From 18 till now I have gone back and forth with this women and it never fails, she tells me she loves me (never heard that growing up) and in the same breath Im a good for nothing. This last episode with her, 3 years ago was enough. I can't put myself though it any longer. I thought when I was younger, wait till you get old and have to go to a nursing home, I will beat the living hell out of you & see how you like it! Well shes old and fragial now and Im too good of a person to do that. But have wrote her out of my life for good now. Yes I have a father, stepdad which I thought hated me and didnt want anything to do with me-all lies.My poor dad...all these years what he has put up with. I think everything that came or comes out of her mouth has been lies. There is no hope for this women, she will never change. The only thing I can think of what she has taught me in life is, be emberessed to be a women, having a period is a shamful thing, sex is dirty and meant for ******, how to cheat on your husband, how to be a mean vindictive person-the list goes on and so could this story but I wont bother you. I have a lot of hate inside of me and wonder when it will go away. To this day I dont talk to my older brother-hell Im still scared of him! I do cry alot thinking how "cool" it would be to have a brother. Thank you all for "listening" made me feel a little better. Hope everyone has a blessed day. ;)

I have had similar experiences with my mom. I too, understand that by now, I am 51, and if she hasn't changed now, she never will. Not only has she tormented me my whole life through, but she truly is a sick woman, or she would not be so mean spirited towards me. I researched her behavior on google and discovered she has alzheimers disease. I lost my job due to constant phone calls in work from her. I love her, and yet I hate her at the same time. I try to forgive her, only to call her on the phone, and get involved in another telephone war with her, and more hatred and unforgiveness. It is a cycle that I cannot seem to break. I do not know how to cut the ties with her. It seems impossible. I feel for you because I know what you are going through, because I have been thru it too. Please know that you are not alone in your pain.