Need Some Advise Please

Help! I really want to get away from my mother and have a healthy relationship with my husband. I am 32, have been married for 4 years, together for almost 10. Several years ago, my mother and sister started talking bad about my husband, to me and the rest of the family, because he didn't want to go on a trip with everyone in my family and I opted to stay home with my husband. That's what seems to have really started everything between my mother and myself and my husband . I want to destroy this sick hold she seems to have over me. I don't want to be this way, but it seems like every time I try to stick up for me or my husband, I worry that I am going to make her mad. Unfortunately, my husband sees this as me caring more about what she thinks than what he does, which isn't true, but his argument makes sense. How can I get the idea out of my head that I NEED a relationship with her just because she's my mom??? I don't need her driving me crazy or making me feel guilty or trying to get me in on some kind of family argument or to be gossiping about others to me. I know all of this, but somehow, I still feel like I need to make an effort to make everyone happy. I am losing my husband over biggest fear. He is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me & I am so afraid that I won't be able to keep him because I am worried about telling my mom how I feel and hurting her feelings. Yes, I know that my story shows all kinds of ways that she has hurt my feelings & that I need to remember that when speaking with her. My husband now says that I just don't know what I want. I do know what I want; I want to be with him. Am I crazy, or is being 32 & worried about how my mom will feel if I tell her what she is doing to me just plain sick? I have told her, several times, about specifics that she has said and/or done that make me feel hurt, disrespected, or guilty and she always says she's sorry, but at the same time, it's like she doesn't believe these words are actually coming from me & not my husband. She thinks he's "making me" think & feel this way. Sounds like I am placing blame on her, but in all reality, it's my fault that I feel this way. I want to just stand up and say to her that this is my life & I am going to live it, & if that means that she isn't in my life, then so be it, but..... How can I break this hold?? Why can't I just grow up and be my own woman instead of worrying about what mom thinks????
mrsg1978 mrsg1978
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 31, 2010

In all seriousness, the cold-shoulder might be the best way to go on this one. It's up to you how long you hold out, of course, but you need to cut her off and concentrate on your marriage right now.<br />
I've done this, and it helped me alot.<br />
Ignore the calls, the messages, if an explanation is asked for, the reply should be "I need time alone with my husband" and if they persist, ignore this too. You've given the answer, it's up to them to accept it.<br />
If they get the rest of the family/friends of the family, to communicate on their behalf, politely, but firmly, tell them to stay out of this situation.<br />
You'll find it hard at first. You'll want to turn back. The harder it gets, the more you carry on, the better the results will be. When you feel like it's too difficult to carry on with this, keep going for a while longer. It's the "breakthrough" point, after which, you can start to slowly interact with her again, on your terms, and yours alone. As soon as a bad word leaves her mouth about you or your husband, you might feel the need to repeat the process, or you might want to simply remove yourself from her company. If neither of these appeal to you, I suggest you write her a letter, outlinging what she is doing, how it makes you feel, the position it has put your marriage in, and what you want her to do (or stop doing). Give her the letter. Tell her not to just look at the words, but actually read them, disect the sentences and the meanings, and evaluate the whole once she's finished to see how truly s**t you feel about this.<br />
I hope it helps. As I said, it helped me alot. Unfortunately, she chose not to alter her behaviour, and it has been nearly 2 years since we last spoke. But honestly, I've never felt happier. Realising yourself makes you feel like you can float on air, and I've never regretted standing my ground.