It's Getting Worse!

My mother and I have never been close although she would dissagree.
She has been that constant pain all my life and now I'm 41 and she is still making me feel terrible.
My parents divorced when I was 4 and although I saw my Dad regularly we never were close, but since he died I wished he was still here so I could tell him It wasn't his fault.
You see my mother spent all my life telling me how my farther was violent and only thought about himself but over the past few years I can see why he drank and why he wanted to "strangle her" Funny though how he never did lay a finger on her, just threatened it but stopped. That to says he was not a violent person just pushed to the limits by a woman who has to have everything her way and has no consideration of anyone elses feelings.
I spent my life with her saying "Ive given up everything for you".
Ive given up on how many men shes had over the years but none of them stayed around,just long enough for me to get to like them. Ive since realised that half of them were married and the other half probably saw her true colours.
She has few friends as everyone seems to "turn funny" on her.
When I was growing up she never told me she loved me or was proud of me. Never cuddled me. And still today she will go on and on about her nieces and nephews achievements but continues to put me down.I can't ever do anything right.
She moved abroad, the best thing she could have done for me until she keeps coming back and staying with me.
We always end up rowing and me never wanting to see her again.
She makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home. She does what she wants, won't eat the same meals, will buy lettuce rather than use the ones I've grown organically in the garden, she speaks to my son terribly, undermines what i say, wont listen to me, constantly tells me she needs to loose weight as shes too fat (shes smaller than me probably a size 6 as Im an 8 so that makes me feel hugh!)
Shes been here 10 weeks now, because she is apparently ill! (Theres always something wrong with her) so she has to have all these tests which take forever. She thought she had a brain tumor! ( last time it was cancer of the womb which was in fact a small polyp) the CT scan came back normal!
She will make things up in her head and play the victim, sulk for days and cause such an atmosphere in my home that I dont want to be home. So when she said she thought she'd still be here by Christmas I very nicely suggested that she maybe spend a bit more time at her sisters in that case to give us a break, she flipped and caused rows again.
I will drop my son at school in the morning and just sit in the car dreading going back to my own home.
I have 2 other children both have special needs one profoundly disabled the other has aspergers, so have enough to deal with. I love my children dearly and tell them everyday and show affection to them everyday, friend tell me i'm a brilliant mum, then one day when I was having a natural moan to my mother as she caught me at a bad moment, about the mess the kids make and the fact I spend all my time clearing up after them, The sort of moan that all parents make about there kids from time to time, she replies "Do you love your children ?cause it doesn't sound like it'
She says she wants us to talk and sort out our difference but she always denies anything negative I ever say that she has said or done. It's never her!
She phoned me from my aunts yesterday and again I'm left in tears and stressed out again.
I would really like her to go back to her own home and not come back.
loveyourchildren loveyourchildren
38 Responses Sep 26, 2011

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You just don't let her deny. You tell her exactly what you think of her. My step sister was the same way when she first met me. My mom and step dad, who put her up for adoption as a baby, let her be stupid and alone, and they told her if she got hurt not to come crawling back. Well she did twice, until she learned. I understand the stress of special need. I have friends lime that, and I have adhd. I she will not respect you in your own home, with your own children. Kick Her Out. Teach her her lesson, it's never too late. Sincerly Yours Zoe

Narcissistic drama queen. Put her in check in every which way possible, and limit your time with her. She's not nuturing for your spirit.

I feel like everyone is explaining my life aaaarrgg. You have all said it in a nutshell

I feel the same way.

You need to set boundaries for yourself and your family. These need to be established in your life before you are knee deep in the situation. I did a study on sitting up healthy boundaries in relationships. The hardest ones to establish are with family. I will look up the names of the books and get back to you.
If it's really bad I would suggest telling your mother simething like this : 'mom I need to tell you something and please do not interrupt me while I'm speaking.' (Make sure she agrees to that). Then say something along the lines of 'I love you and wish we did not argue so much. It has come to the point where I'm full of anxiety and very stressed after we speak and when we spend time together. I feel it is affecting many other areas if my life and I have realized that I need to take care of me so I can best care for my family. So I have made the decision that the only time we should talk is when we are with a councillor. My relationship with you is that important to me that I want to fix it. Do you want to do that?...'
Something along those lines. This may not exactly fit your situation but you can't continue this way. I work with students with autism and various challenges. You MUST take care of yourself first I order to have anything left for your family. But life isn't just about survival and making it through the day.
Your mom has deep issues and the terrible way she treats you is truly a reflection of how she dislikes herself. Her problems are hers, not yours. Don't slow her or anyone to force you to carry their problems.
You do need to take control of this. I'll send you the info. Take care.

Your mother has narcissistic personality disorder. She is incapable of love or empathy. She will damage you and your children forever if you let her. Please be strong and tell her to leave. Join groups on FB for daughters of narcissistic mothers. You are not alone. Big hug x

some mothers are a pain in the ***. my mother is a bad human being but there is always a massive social pressure especially on treating mothers. i don't know why but general belief that if someone is a woman she can be an angel. its a rubbish. women are equally guilty compared to men. someone can easily be a mother and can more easily abuse her children either intentionally or unintentionally. my mother is killing me as well. it is so painful that because of her i am all the time in pain. i am 28 years old now. what can you do. just patience. she ruined my life but i let her to do it. you know. she is very bad human being but nothing can be done by me. there is a saying that says never fight any woman even if she is your mother. i just take it with me and let it to burn me internally. i believe in god and someday i either die and would be free from her or a very good thing happens and i become so rich that i can move out from home and never see her face again.

I'm with ya. That kinda sounds like my mom, but I know she loves me.
It's just hard to watch her slip away until I don't know her. I haven't truelly known her, since I was two or three ( before my parents divorced),or when I was five and it was just her and me. Either way, she just now realized that I stopped telling her things, and she is yelling at me for it. I'm almost 14 so there is no way for me to leave. Sometime I pray to God and tell him that" if the parents I remember are up there, please don't let them see this, please don't let them see this."
I don't know what truelly happened to either of us, but I hope we can keep,pushing through. Sincerly Yours, Zoe

I am sorry for your pain, and loss of not having a happy, loving mother. She sounds similar to my mother. Mine still abuses me and tries to hurt me by harming my child. She sees how much I love my child the way she never loved me. She hurt me all my life and my father died as well at age 3. I lost more than one baby because of her. She has even poisoned me and is a nurse.

I pray to God to watch over us and I will pray for you too. Stay healthy and strong :)

Stay strong as well Mary.

ditto... I'm 30 and I just dunno why I hate my mother so much! I know why but I dunno why

at least she is ur her!

Wow and I thought my mom was bad.Just leave her be is all I can say,Have absolutly nothing to do with her.

I feel like I am reading my life >.< best of luck to you :(

for the people who say cut her mother out her life what kind of **** is that to say.I understand all that is happening but that is still her mother .How would yall like it if someone told u to cut your mother out of your life. Every family has some issues but life is short and once someone is gone there gone .There are ways to fix this. Try talking to your mother but mainly be there for her u never know how she really feels until u ask

I would never shut her out completely, that would be running away from what could be a promising relationship. The mother-daughter relationship is a hard one, and every woman knows it, but you seem to have more problems than most. <br />
I'd say you need to sit down with her and tell her how she's affected you positively and negatively. I think it would be good not to focus completely on the negative things, because from your desc<x>ription it seems like she has some social issues and may be quite miserable herself - intensifying her misery won't benefit anyone. <br />
Perhaps if she really won't listen at all, and is in total denial, take a short holiday somewhere to clear your head and come back with a new perspective. Take the kids with you if you have to, but it's surprising how much good a week or two away can do.

That mother of yours is not only toxic for you but a threat to your children. It's time you got some counseling to clarify your boundries with her. She is a threat to your children and you are still modeling unhealthy behavior and passing those behaviors to your kids. She's got to go! I had a similar issue with one of my parents and I had to draw a line rather than arguing I made my position clear. sounds like she is a parasite on your soul. Getting rid of her will elevate your self esteem and strengthen your family..

The obvious solution for me would be to chuck her out. You are a grown woman well within you're right to throw her out of your house no matter where she ends up, she is nto your responsibility. Think, if the situation was reversed, your were sick in need of somewhere to stay, how much of a helping hand do you think rather know she would be. She doesnt desrve you, abandon her. She is mentally ill and you cant do anythig about that. I would personally kick her out, throw her clothes out the window all with a smile. I say this from my own terrible mother who one day will regret ever treating me the way she has, and when she comes grovelling back to me, I can assue you, there will no be place for her in my life, forget about home.

Girl, I'm your age, and boy do I know how you feel. I'm betting our mom's are close to the same age too, from the "Me" generation. Something about parents from the 40's & 50's who survived the Great Depression & then overindulged their children. My therapist explained it better, lol. First off, please tell me you don't listen to Dr. Phil, lol, the guy is NOT A DOCTOR. Of any type. I take issue with folks who misrepresent themselves ;-) He's not even an academic! <br />
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I'm estranged from my mother by choice, and it took me many years to get to this point. A few other posters have stated they could never expunge their mother from their life, so all I can imagine is that a) their mothers are not actually abusive, or b) they must be much younger and don't have years of pain & abuse piled on top of each other. It actually took me a lot of therapy, time, & money to get the point I am now, heh. Like others, I USED to think that blood obligates us (which, btw, is utter B.S.). My therapist set me straight on THAT. Just because someone is your blood kin, does NOT give them the right to abuse you, but only you can decide when you've had enough. I tried changing my reaction & responses to my mom, I ignored her, I limited my time spent around her, & tried many things suggested here and by my therapist.  Sorry, but by the time people get to be her age, they DON'T get any better, just more content with being the monster that they are. I used to feel guilty about the estrangement, but therapy really helped with that. I still miss my mom, not her, but the Mommy I wish I had. There is still a little 4 yo girl inside of us all, mine still wants a Mommy like her friends had. What you have to do, is take that little girl by the hand, tell her (yourself) that we deserve love, we deserve people to treat us with respect, & that you will protect her. Sounds a little crazy, lol, but I talk to my inner child a lot, she's really the one that's hurting the most here. <br />
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Only you can say when you've had enough, and if things are as bad as you say they are, then kick the guilt to the curb and get on with your life. Your family needs you, your mom doesn't. I too have special needs children, and they keep me plenty busy where I really don't think about her all that much anymore. I had to get on with MY life, and honestly? Since the day I told her I could not possibly take another moment of her outrageous behavior, it felt like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's probably the best, most pro-active thing I've ever done for myself. It was also therapist recommended, lol. In fact, I have yet to meet a person who was estranged from their mother/family and regretted it. Sure, they regret having to make that decision in the first place, and even miss them, it's usually not taken very lightly after all, but most feel they had little other choice at that point. You WILL know when YOU get to THAT point. So, hang in there, and don't let others dictate to you what you should or shouldn't do, nor try to make YOU feel guilty for wanting more from life. It's not for us to decide, that's 100% your decision. <br />
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All we can do is share our stories, tell you what worked for us, what didn't. Talk to a therapist, it does and can help. But, I can tell you exactly what she told me, abuse is abuse no matter who it's coming from, we are not obligated by blood or anything else to subjugate ourselves, nor does it make us a "bigger person" by trying to force ourselves to stay in a unhealthy situation, it makes us a (seemingly) willing and easy target. <br />
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I've been through so much with my mom, and I can tell you it actually takes a LOT more internal strength to walk away than it does to stay and offer yourself up for slaughter. Estrangement is most definitely NOT "the easy way out". But again, only you can decide if this is abuse, and if it's intolerable it's up to you to do what's best for YOU. Personally, all the mama drama I suffered left me weepy & depressed, and I wasn't as good a mom as I wanted, needed, to be for my kids. Now, without all the stress of my mom, I'm a much happier, healthier momma. I mostly did it for my kids, they deserved so much more from me, and now they get it because I'm not in a fuss with her every day. It's YOUR life, and you are your OWN person, only you can decide. I felt so much relief, removing her from my life, that I soon took aim on every toxic person in my life & literally cleaned house. My therapist was my cheerleader! I'm now emotionally healthy and strong, and I did that. Some people feel you must force yourself to be around people who treat us badly, toxic people, I say they must be gluttons for punishment. If they choose to subject themselves to unhealthy relationships, then that's their lot in life. I choose what people to allow in my life, and I've never been happier. <br />
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You are not alone.

Please be careful. I know that sounds scary, but I too have a mother with NPD/abusive and it is so important that those of us who have these kinds of people as caregivers realize that we were raised in an abusive home, therefore, things that seem "normal" to you or within your family, actually are not. There are probably a lot (I'm being generous... most) of things going on between you and this woman that have become normalized, but to a therapist would not be ok. Be aware of that. And it's not your fault. Also, my best advice is BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES. What does that mean? Set boundaries that work for you. For example, set a boundary that she is no longer allowed to stay at your home when she visits. Set a boundary that she is not allowed to discipline your children, she can only tell you what they've done (my sister had to do that one). Set a boundary that your career/your weight/your finances are all "off-topics" meaning they are things that will not be discussed in your relationship. These take time and are challenging to get going, but once you set the first one and taste the freedom, you won't be able to stop.<br />
My brother joined the army and didn't talk to my mom for years & years (5+). I moved to the other side of the country, and my sister stayed in the city we grew up in. I have watched my mother over the years take advantage of my sister and abuse her and her family so badly, that it makes me sad. My sister has been able to set some boundaries, but not enough to be "healthy". My sister is approaching 40 and is now resentful, somewhat sharp-tongued, and not the friendly face I grew up with. I don't mean to scare you, I'm just being honest.... This is what will happen to you if you let your mother continue to abuse you and your family over the course of your life. It is the saddest thing to watch.... My sister is/was one of my best friends and now its hard for me to even talk to her because she's just not so friendly anymore. She's become an angry/sharp woman like my mentally ill mother. It's a lifetime of resentment and abuse from our mother. I agree that not talking to her at all may not be the best treatment, as my brother eventually came back around looking for a loving mother that just doesn't exist, and I saw that cutting her off didn't give him peace. But you have to do something. As a child you were a captive audience, now you’re a grown woman and you can decide what YOU want in your life. Yes, I said YOU. People like us who grow up with these kinds of caregivers usually don't even realize until later in life that we even matter. But YOU do matter. Your thoughts matter, your feelings matter, and what makes YOU comfortable and feel good matter. I know you grew up not knowing that you mattered and that your mother’s thoughts/feelings/needs were the only thing that mattered. But those days are over. Its time to care for yourself. Please let my sister make this mistake for you. PLEASE. I'm almost brought to tears thinking about it.... Exactly what you described is what my mother has done to my sister and her family for years & years. Don't be ignorant and think that towards the end of your life this won't take it's toll. It will. And it’s a high-price to pay, trust me. My sister used to be so sweet, soft-skinned, beautiful smile..... I don't mean to be heavy, but now her face is stiff from years of abuse and resentment. Please go see a therapist and practice setting boundaries and rehearse the conversation with your therapist (that’s what I did & it helps). It will take a few years, but once you start to contain her it will be so much easier. Please take care of yourself and your family.<br />
Also, another important piece of advice I can share that is so vital is FORGIVENESS. Anger will turn to resentment and will poison you. She is mentally ill and has probably done some horrible things you don't even want to type. It hurts, it’s not fair, & we all wish we could have had a loving/caring/kind mother. The most healing thing you can do is forgive her and be what you always wanted for your children and give them everything. Don't think that your mother won't abuse your children, I've watched my mother abuse my brother & sisters and it causes big problems for their families. Let her come around and have a limited relationship; you don't have to cut her out. But forgive her and don't let the pain turn to anger turn to resentment and then poison. This I say from my own experience. Forgiveness is freedom. <br />
I wish you all the best and I'm so sorry this is causing you so much stress and pain. Set boundaries, forgive her, keep an open heart, stay soft for your children, and keep God as close as possible (any religion or spiritual path, it doesn't matter).

You know I'm going through something similar and even though my sister has no responsibilities and hardly calls let alone visit ....the sun apperently shines out of her backside and im 'THAT BASTARD' mum drinks every nyt which turns her into someone nasty n twisted but she tells me its me. You know I'd listen to your friends and take a look at your own little life compared to the lonely one your mum has. She is probably living with a thousand regrets about how she raised you herself and there will be a certain level of jealousy there. <br />
Please dont let this all get to you, your children need you more! Afterall if she can make the lengthy journey to visit then be around for 10 weeks as you say then...I'm sorry but there cant be an awful lot wrong...only that shes lonely and feels empowered by making you feel like a child again! <br />
Remember this is YOUR life and YOUR kids and YOUR choices! By the sounds of things your a very patient, warm, loving and friendly woman who has ALL her priorities in the right order! <br />
No matter who its is just be firm and make it clear without being nasty that its time you and your family had their own space. (Its clearly affecting your mental health her being there and your kids NEED YOU to be strong and be happy and stay positive! Turn her negativites into determination to go against everything she says and fill you full of drive! Someone who loves you supports you and does anything they can to encourage and show you love on a regular basis!<br />
ALWAYS remember ' People only get away with what YOU let them away with'<br />
Kirsty x

Sounds like my own story -criticizes me for every little thing while praises nieces and nephews etc., on top of that she even openly tell my secrets to others. It was awful. For the past past 3 years I got smarten up by putting some space between my mother and I. When seeing her now I let half of what she says out through the other ear and wear a smile to keep things neutral. <br />
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I learned now that no matter what I do or say, my mom won't give me any credit or try to understand me. She continues to treat me like a 5 years old in my 40th year of life.<br />
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She needs to be awaken up to the presence and see the reality, that her baby girl is now a grown up with her own set of brain.<br />
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But it is up to her when she decides to wake up to things, all I am concern now is for me to stay sane, independent and intact so I can succeed in moving my life forward.

you get one life, no one got two.<br />
live your life your way.<br />
or you will wake up one day.<br />
and realise its too late to do anything.<br />
and there are no time machines to go back.<br />
and start again

so sorry to admit i relate to a lot of what others have written....sad, i disconnected from my mum because of the constant criticisms...i never recall her saying anything positive to me about me! i am 55 and its been nearly two years. in that time i have had counselling to alleviate the guilt...we are supposed to honour our father and mother. for me its been impossible to fulfil the biblical expectation. god knows. also parents are supposed to respect their children and it is each parent's obligation to do so, not just mother.! good luck and blessings to all who are without a mother. i send you love and hugs for acknowledging who you are and where your understanding sits. god bless.

Please get this woman out of your life. Not only do you deserve better, your children do as well. DO NOT allow this woman to harm your children, verbally or otherwise. Their safety is your number one priority. I know because I had a horrible mother, too. She was very similar to yours and I finally had to cut her off. We haven't spoken for over 10 years. My kids grew up fine without having the burden of having an abusive, mean and sick woman in their lives. Your mother is mentally ill. She is a narcissist. Nothing you or anyone else does is good enough. It's all about her. Wish her well elsewhere. You deserve a life, happiness and peace. Also read Dave Pelzer's book "A Child Called It" and his other books. His mother was a total monster and today he is a happy and well-adjusted man. <br />
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Being a mother is hard enough. We need all the help and love we can get. Good luck to you my dear. You sound like a good mom and I wish you all the best!!

So many people have commented on my story I can't believe it, and what I've written is only the tip of the ice berg. My mother is staying at my aunts at the moment but even thats too close for my stress levels! She's busy telling everyone how she's outstayed her welcome with me. <br />
She had yet more results from the numerous tests she's been having and they come back as normal, no surprise there but she says she still knows something is wrong (we could tell her that's it's all in her head but that would just cause another blow up)<br />
My husband is very supportive of me, my mother doesn't speak to him when she's here and as he says the silence is deafening. I've asked him to step in but he says it's difficult as it's my mother. <br />
He dislikes her as much as me and reminds me of the things that she has said or done that I've forgotten. <br />
The trouble is I feel guilty for feeling this way about her but equally know that it is her that has made me feel this way. I thought about having conselling by myself but decided I knew the problem already so that wouldn't help, mother said we should go to conselling together but I know what will happen, I will say all the things that she has said & done over the years that have made me feel this way & she will say it's all rubbish & lies, what's the point!<br />
Anyway thanks everyone for your comments, it's great to know were not alone. X

My mother likes to "remind" me of things, also. Still, I "remind" her of things also. We love each other and all is fine. If your B**CH of a mother doesn't grow up, you should tell her she needs to see a doctor to see if she has a mental illness. Or, better still - tell her that if she keeps this up that you will CALL THE POLICE if she makes harassing comments. <br />
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People that act like your mother have low self-esteem and THEY need to own up!<br />
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Best of luck!

Except for the fact my mom is still with my dad, and he's a total a**, this is the freaking story of my life. My mom is exactly like this. If she was sick and in my house, I would send her to someone else's house, and refuse to take her. She has, in many ways, ruined my life.

Shutting your mother out of your life completely will probably only add to your burden. My mother was a hurtful and difficult person. Each of her daughters dealt with it in different ways. <br />
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My sister shut her out entirely, even refusing to attend mothers funeral. I cared for her through her cancer and laid her to rest. I do not miss her, I do not think about her.. I have no guilt. On the other hand, my sister, who shut her out still seems to need to vent constantly about what a horrible mother we had. She has not found any peace.<br />
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My advice to you is to think about your own mental and spiritual health, and that of your children. It sounds like you have a pretty full plate being mom to your special kids. <br />
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You do not have to completely sever your relationship with your mother, but you can draw a line. You have the right to decide what goes on in your have more than the right, you have the responsibility to protect your children from the negative energy.<br />
You can tell your mother that you respect and honor her as your mother..but you feel her presence in your home is disruptive and to protect your family's mental health you need her to make other living arrangements. Be proactive.. not reactive.

Was in the same boat. I'll send you a private note, and explain how I fixed <br />
, well at least 80%

OMG..are you my long lost sister???My mother had the same personality. I chose to invent an "alter ego" her name was "Maxine" which helped me get my early years..She was the one who did ALL the great things throughtout her teens ( thru me) everything she did was next to perfect. She moved on later in life..My mom passed away in 2004, a very unhappy woman and in a very tragic way.I have thought on occassion she died the way she lived or should I say existed??? However..I would not be the survivor I am today if I had not known her... so say the...weedbychoice

Lots of good comments here - getting rid of your mother is the best idea - she will never change - she will never be the mother (source of unconditional love and support) you are hoping for, so you need to learn to self-validate, get your love from the inside rather than from the world.<br />
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Here is a question you could be asking yourself :<br />
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What did you learn while growing-up that leads you to believe that it is OK for you to tolerate someone like her, in your life, for ANY reason ? <br />
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Self-Respect would dictate you think of saying something like this: <br />
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"Mother, I am also a mommy now, over the years I have learned what it really means to be a mother. I love my children, I love myself, I protect my children and try teach them to love and respect themselves, and I do that by maintaining a loving, peaceful and supportive atmosphere in my home, and by setting a good example. Although I have wished, and hoped my entire life away, waiting for you to finally come around and understand what being a mother really is all about, I am sorry to say 'I can wait no longer'. This is "IT" mother, this is ' the last goodbye. ' Right now; I am telling you to get out of my life forever, don't call , don't write, don't come over. Live your life anyway you want, just do it without me and my family, you are no longer welcome here, if you have a serious problem and need some help, I am afraid you will have to call someone else. You are now, just a part of my past."<br />
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Get the sentiment.......?<br />
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I know it's hard to believe that your mother has programmed you to present yourself to her as a target for her abuse. If it were possible for her to be honest with herself -- she would admit that - she actually loves to feel you squirm with pain - make no mistake about it, ( in a different situation she could be one of those peeps working in a torture chamber - no conscience at all whatsoever, the afore- mentioned narcissist ). <br />
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You seem like a nice person, and your "nice-ness" is the very thing your mother finds both offensive and attractive. By destroying it she believes that she is bringing you down to her level ( probably the same thing she did to your father) so that she does not have to see herself as the [ fill-in-the-blank ] that she really is.<br />
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So you see....? : Any chance that she could get back into your life would be seen as a goal or victory, and she will do everything she can to find some "loophole" to worm her way back into your life and mess with you again.<br />
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So stop feeling obligated to be your mother's whipping toy, she will just have to grow-up on her own, and if she does (not likely) then she will have the opportunity to embrace her own life and celebrate it , without you, while you are busy breathing-freely and enjoying your OWN life. <br />
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I know this sounds so bleak and harsh and terrible - and some may be offended that I even say such things - but ya know what...? This is your true story, and your mother is actually DO-ing this. <br />
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Now, YOU have the power to do something about this. <br />
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Nothing changes until YOU do.

I really like your perception. Seems as though her mother has border-line , narcissistic or even sociopathic personality.

When I started ignoring my mother things got better. My stepfather came on to me when I was young and throughout the years he has compaired me with my mother to my mother which added salt to the womb. She would never give me credit for my acheivements. I remeber standing on stage making a speech then receiving an award and the only thing she could say was why are you constanly pulling at your dress. She too always thinks shes sick and going to die. I have concluded that it is a mental illness and part of it is environmental. I think famlies are a culture and some famlies play into this madness and make excuses for these sick people. I know my grandmother did. My mother likes control so when she found out she couldnt do things to make me react things got a little better....just a little better. They are really smart at what they do and they think strategically. I think the goal is to make you feel the pain and misery that they feel. Remember they cannot argue alone. They have been pulling your strings for years and they know which ones to pull to get you to react. Why not learn to not let the string pulling get to you. When you change they dont understand and they get confused. Let them be bothered with trying to figure out what wrong not you.<br />
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I also got help to try to deal with my mother. I needed professional guidance if I wanted to be in her life.<br />
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Sorry for the lost of your father. However as far as your dads drinking... He probably drank before he met her, most people that have a drinking problem do have poor coping skills which may have aggrevated the situation between he and your mother. My stepfather is a drunk and my biological father drank. Codependents and alcoholics go hand and hand. <br />
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Please help youself and try not to fix your mother. You have issues that stem from your mother putting you down all of the time I know I do. Get help for youself so that you dont do too much or too little to be like her.

I logged on ep here you with the group appeared as magical. Happy I found a place where I can really express what is <br />
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Although I have not yet begun healing process of myself concerning the woman who gave me birth (don’t think I will anyway, I decided to give up), you are via a major burn out aka crackdown. All the non-expressed negative emotions you’re carrying + kids special needs + mom’s bullshit...girl be straight with her and tell she cannot stay with you at this present time.<br />
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Either that or you accept later consequences on you and surroundings that comes with non expressing ourselves...Guess we need to stand up, we felt too low during childhood or/and still do....

I take comfort from the fact that i am not alone many of you experience the same problem.<br />
I try to ignore what she says but only this last few days she came down stairs having used a different bathroom and not my ensuite which was a step in the right direction only to to have a go about how "bl.... awful that shower is and suppose I'll have to use the other one downstairs" daft thing is she sleeps downstairs (because she used to complain about the small spare room and didn't like sleeping in it (its 8ft x 7ft) so I bought her a sofa bed to downstairs in the kids lounge) and the shower downstairs is a walk in wet room type, great shower but she won't use it, I went out and changed the one in the upstairs bathroom. Ok it needed changing but it's only the kids that use that bathroom and only the bath not the shower so it never mattered.<br />
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Secondly, she reminded me it was aunty's birthday by asking if she could phone her. I stupidly said "oh yes I forgot, Ive got a card & pressie for her that you can take with you tomorrow" I then went on to text my aunt happy birthday and explain that mum would bring card & little pressie with her. So what does my mum do next.. She phones her and says That i had forgotten and she reminded me and that I was writting a card now. Why was there need for that other than to show me up?<br />
She can't help herself and my anger and upset just keeps building.

pain that i can feel when i talk to my mother and get stressed for a week.

I've told myself that I could control how I react to my mother. In my own experience with a mother like yours it just doesn't work. For my mother it is a pass to abuse. Therefore I have to constantly stand up for myself just so that she knows that I will fight for myself NOW. When I was a child I couldn't. In my mid twenties I didn't because I believed the lies she told me about me. Before I had my son I was on bedrest in the hospital for 68 days and I had to be honest with myself about my mother which was admitting to myself that she was and is an abusive mother. If I admit to understand the importance of getting away from abusive people and how damaging staying in an abusive relationship is - I can not justify continuing to subject myself to abuse when I do have a choice. Now that I have a son she keeps making really negative suggestions about my being a mother. I can not subject my son to the same abuse. Therefore she can not be in my life at all. It is unfortunate, but I believe that I am responsible fort emotional well being and I must protect my son as best I can.

I feel for you so very much. I know exactly what you are going through, as a lot of these things are the exact things I am going through with my mother. Everything has to be big dramatics. It was just this evening I thought to myself.. my mother is the little boy who cried wolf. I never know what to believe from her as she exaggerates and blows things so far out of proportion at times. <br />
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I know you will probably get suggestions like I have about cutting your mother out of your life completely. There is absolutely some merit to that suggestion. However, i cannot do that. I don't have the heart to for one thing, and secondly, all hell would completely break loose then and it would be worse for everyone in the family if I did that. So, I have recently come to the conclusion that my mother will never change. This is how she is. She has a lot of good points about her..but those can easily be forgotten by her antics. I'm not going to change that. I can, however change how I react to some of those things. I have stopped giving her the power to make me feel guilty about things. Your mom wants to buy lettuce? let her waste her money. don't take it personally. <br />
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We aren't going to change our mothers. However.. we can change our reactions to them. Hope that helps.

Perfect response, MissBehaviour! I learned a few years back that I may not be able to change anyone else but I can certainly change the way I respond to you, engage with you, etc. It's such a simple thing but carries so much weight in your day-to-day interactions with others. Difficult people, whether family or friends, are in are lives for a reason and sometimes that reason is to teach us about boundaries.

You cannot change the things your mother did or didn't do as you were growing up but you can make sure that you're a better mother than she was by giving your children unconditional love, understanding, and the kindness that you didn't get. Ignore the silly stuff that doesn't matter, i.e., lettuce, and focus on the bigger picture.

I'll quote Dr. Phil, "We teach people how to treat us" - which is so true...take back your power, set boundaries, and I hope things get better for you soon!

For 41 years I endured a similar faith with my mother. There was no love there, it was something I had known since I was 2! So, 4 years ago I decided I had enough and I completely cut her out of my life. It was the best decision I ever made as an adult and my only regret was not doing it sooner. My motto became - if you do not bring anything positive into my life, I don't want you in it!

Sounds like she is mentally I'll like my mother - I think they call it narssasistic personality disorder. Cut her out of your life completely that's what I did 4 years ago and ive never looked back and neither have my children!

She sounds like a trip. Wow. Sorry, I have no suggestions, except to shut her out completely.