My Mother

I honestly don't hate my mother , I really and truly dislike her for everything she has done and made it seem like it was my fault for why everything has gone wrong in her life! Now this is not your typical "lets blame the mother for everything" crap, this is a very serious dislike for my OWN mother! I have grown up to accept the fact that I will never make my mother happy nor will we ever talk. I have lived in a house of violence my whole life and anything I did to try and make her happy never worked. She ignored me a lot! At the age of 6 years old when my dad passed away thats when my days of loving my mother was done, she was very, VERY, loving and sweet before that and would protect me from my dad's abuse. Then when he passed she changed she remarried right away and became abusive towards me and letting her new husband beat me. I remember when I was just entering my ladies days and the 1st day of getting my "monthly friend" I had told her it happened and she yelled at me to get away from her! another time I had an arguement with her she litterally told me that everytime I called her mom or mumma it made her sick or want to vomit! ( Who says these things to their child??? ) I litterally had to get up and get her food, drinks (not alcholic, thats one thing she was never an alcholic or a drug addict nor did she do prostitution) even had to get her the t.v. remote and she was in the same room as the remote and television but I had to get up from my playtime to serve her. She was very abusive towards me, she would grab my hair and drag me from room to room while beating me, she busted my lip open and had to face kids in school with my face looking like that, and scratched up my face and still for everything shes done I never hear her apologize for it to this day, but instead its my fault why she has had a hard life, ummmm excuse me I never asked to be here! Her husband uses belts and belt buckles, bats, fist, feet, on me and even threatens to put my hand in the stove fire to which one day I was babysitting ( oh ya I was her built in babysitter ) and my little brother and little sister did something wrong ( I forgot what it was ) and I thought thats what you were supposed to do for discipline, so I told them "the next time you act up I will stick your hands in the fire" but I didnt! Of course I got a beating because I was only doing what they told me but it breaks my heart because what if I really did that to them? I regret that everyday and wish I never followed the same discipline! She has locked me in the house for 3 yrs straight so I couldnt go outside and play with friends only except for going to school and store runs but thats it! She makes fun of my weight with her sister (my aunt), I feel like she has never loved me because if she did she would feel remorse for everything she has done to me but instead I have a mother with a black heart! She pushes away all the people that love her, her own father and mother ( both divorced ) are in the hospital right now, one fighting diabetes and the other on oxygen tanks for COPD. She has yet contacted them and has told them to "F*** OFF" I really dont understand what anyone has done to her for her to treat people this way especially me where I am her flesh and blood but I am now 27 yrs old and she hasnt spoke to me for a long time because she thought it was still ok to beat me and I am over 18 years old! Respect is definitely a 2 way street, you just cant keep putting your hands on someone and think its ok! like the saying goes "You back a dog into a corner and then what does it do? it bites back!" and this a Registered Nurse I am talking about...1 thing I am greatful for is that even though she treats me like dirt she doesnt do that to her patients! She is a very skilled and very good nurse ( I know because I have worked with her ) but she hasnt treated me like that at all! I love her though! She has given me life and I wish I can be with her but she refuses to understand why I have changed! I love you mom but I dont have to like you, I respect you but doesnt mean you can walk all over me like you did for years because I was a kid! Im not a little girl anymore where u can beat me and disrespect me the way you feel like! I know I was not an easy kid but the life that I have had to deal with has made me this way and I refuse to allow you to talk and treat me the way you thought was good for you because it definitely wasnt right...NOT AT ALL!