"i Never Wanted To Be Your Mom..."

"I only wanted to be your friend."
I was 7 and not at all sure how to get a new mom because I didn't want a friend... I wanted a mom. Or a dad... But she chased him away. My brother and I relied on each other until the fights for even a few minutes of Moms attention got too brutal... Too violent. We can't even look at each other anymore... Can't have a conversation without it turning into an argument.. Can't have an argument without a fight... We haven't spoken in years.
My grandmother, mom's mom, did most of the mothering. When grandma passed Mom didn't think she was worthy of a funeral so grandma didn't get one. Grandma went from hospice to creamatorium to hall closet, where she still is, 4 years later.
I was tired of living in a house full of "family" and being so very alone and unwanted... I left at 14 and havent been back. And yet... I still call this woman mom and I still want her to love me just like I did when I was 7 years old. She destroyed me and my brother. We both have mental health issues and no self esteem... We both have trouble holding down jobs... We both have trouble accepting and believing in love. We both struggle every day. And we both keep going back for more.
I am trying to learn that I am better off without her but it's a hard road especially when all you ever wanted is a mom.
UglyLittleDeadGirl UglyLittleDeadGirl
31-35, F
May 14, 2012