Dear Mum

Dear mum,
The only reason I can write all this down and get it out there, is because you will never read this.
I am not a bad person, and regardless of everything you have done to me, I still strive to make you love me and be proud of me, but I need to accept that it will never happen, you won't let yourself.
After speaking to my aunt(you're own sister) this week, I Understand more about why you ate the way you are. I realise you had a crap childhood, and that you're own mother was a very bad person, but I don't deserve you're hatred and pain. You will never deal with you're own emotional problems, probably from you're childhood, but I can't let you ruin my life anymore.
Maybe I remind you of you're own mother, I don't know as I have never met her, or maybe history is repeating itself, but the sad truth is that you are killing me.
I Am so, so depressed and tierd of everything, and telling me to get on with it doesn't help me. So many times in my life I have needed you, and you were never there. I see you everyday, I try and tell you what's wrong, but something stops me. You have put me down so many times and smiled at my misery. You don't or can't be a loving mother, or even a friend.
I think of all the years I have tried to help you, doing whatever I can to make you're life easier, and I know now that I have been wasting my time.
You don't deserve my love or help, and yet I still try. I still try to make you love me, and it breaks my heart to know that you never will.
Why do you put me down all the time, especially around other people, then joke about it? Why do you ***** about me to our family, and make them uncomfortable? Do you actually think they enjoy hearing you slagging me off? You're own sister told me to get away from you!!!!!
Why can't you see that you are killing me? Somedays, I struggle so much just to get out of bed and face the day. I feel worthless, suicidal and I have so much self hatred, and yet I know I never deserved you for a mother. There's a reason my brother stays the other side of the country, it's so he doesn't have to put up with you.
I have never done anything awful, never deserved you're hatred, never understood how you could detest me so much. That girl that you adore? She's a real piece of work. She doesn't do anything for you, sponges off you in fact, and yet you give her anything and all you're time and love? Do I sound jealous? I am, a little bit, but I am also happy for you both, at least you have each other.
There are things I wish I could tell you, but the fear of swing the disgust on you're face stops me.
Sometimes I just want you to be a mother.
10 yrs of therapy and anti depressants, three suicide attempts because of my childhood and you still have the nerve to tell me that I will never be happy? I am too fat, then when I slim, not slim enough. I am too sensitive, then a *****. So many critisms you have bestowed on me, is it any wonder I have no self confidence? Do you have any idea how hard It is to even get up in the morning when I can't even look at my own face in the mirror without hating it? You ate the weak one, for kicking me when I am down.
There is one person on this whole earth who loves me truly. An amazing person, who loves me just because I am me. He is the only reason I haven't killed myself. Depression is a selfish illness, but for him I would give anything and do anything.
You had that kind of love in me. Even after all the crap you have done, you had me. Why wasn't I good enough for you?
If I ever manage to heal and one day I have children, I know that I will never let them near you,
I can't understand you. I wish I could show this to you, but that fear is still there.
You don't deserve me
Love you're daughter
Xxxx
deleted deleted
26-30
1 Response May 16, 2012

I felt like it me who has wrote this...its me who is talking 2 herself in front of the mirror...dear,u are not the only one who is going through this situation..I'm with u coz I almost had the same feeling for my mom..she's a working lady who's always busy by herself..once I had the idea that she's the best mom in the world,coz my mom is smart,she's updated,she doesn't spend her time gossiping or criticizing about others or comparing me to other children that typical housewives do..but when I was 13,I started to realize,yeah she's maybe an exception,but I was never her first priority..she prefers to busy with her works,she doesn't have time to ask me about my study or my interests,she doesn't know what I like or dislike.I grew up(still growing up) with terrible domestic violence..my parents quarrels severely and sometimes the fight.I spent so many nights awake,crying alone.no one was there to console me.I did and still doing great results in my school and college life..just wanted her to wish me luck...or just few words from her how much she loves me or how happy she is for my grades..I wish I could show her your letter..I'll leave my family when I'll be in university...because I'm pretty sure I won't miss my mom at all.