Beyond Words

I'm drowning. Suffocating. I'm on a cycle of unhappiness. My mother made me want to kill myself when I was 16, when she found out, she didn't take me seriously. She comforted me for a few hours, but now she teases me about it. She thinks any issues I'm having are fake or cause by some herbal diet pills she flushed down the toilet a year ago. She would hit me, lie to me, call me names, say how worthless I was. My ex-boyfriend dumped be because he couldn't handle listening to the "drama" between me and her. I stopped sleeping, stopped eating, stopped talking to friends for an entire summer. I was alone.

Then I restarted my life with happiness this school year. Up until the past week, I have been alive. Although I still have insane fights with my mother, I have been wonderfully happy, optimistic, outgoing, loving, carefree. I reunited with my friends, realized that boy that broke my heart a year ago was a manipulative *** and I have a future again. I even have a new boyfriend, someone who is so amazingly perfect, and he actually thinks I'm great. But for the past week it has been constant. Non-stop hatred. I want her out of my life. We are obviously toxic for her, and my dad is convince she is have mental issues. We acknowledge that she is probably mentally unstable, and we can't take all of her behaviours seriously, but I am dying here. I want to cry all the time. I am worried this is going to affect my new relationship again. I honestly can't remember a time she has said anything positive to me. I am worthless to her.
The worst part is that she is lying all the time. She will go on rants about how she never, ever lies and that a liar will always get caught (her favourite motto since my childhood), but then she will blatantly lie to my father. She hides bills from him, lies about money, demands money to be spent on her instead of me. The dog is worshipped in our house because he is "hers" and honestly, the dog is the only thing she has any sort of love for. Even my littler sister is just a tool she uses to play us against each other. My dad is tired of it, but he is starting to resent me for not just appeasing her demands. I feel truly worthless these days, because I can see the downward spiral that I'm going to fall into again. I'm losing hope.
eaglewings14 eaglewings14
18-21, F
May 18, 2012