I Wish I Never Had To See Or Hear Her Ever Again.

I was willing to be forgiving at first. My stepdad died two years ago, and even before then, my mom lost her head. It was bad, and it did contribute to his death, but I was willing to let that go.

Since graduating from college and having to move back in with her, she has shown herself to be an irresponsible human being. A few months prior to my moving in, my grandpa, her dad, also had to move in with her due to having two strokes. Two years removed, she has still not bothered to update his insurance so that he could get proper speech therapy. He still can not talk and his movement could be better. He got to the point where he began misplacing his dentures frequently, until finally he outright lost the bottom portion of his new pair. Soon after, we noticed a frequent clog in the toilet that he and I share. Maybe she's right that after not doing anything for two years, it may be too late to improve on how he is. At the very least, I think it would keep him from deteriorating further.

Her frequent excuse for why she never managed this is "I was sick." First off, the time period when you change from useless Wellcare to Medicare is right when she's most active in the year. Second off, her so-called sickness is overblown at worst and a complete sham at worst. I don't know if she was ever actually tested for thyroid problems. She certainly never had a goiter. What she most definitely does have is depression. She also had a doctor who got shut down for being a pill mill. Even with her taking pills for this, she somehow manages to wind up back in bed, being sick and unable to pull her weight around the house at the drop of a hat. She claims it is how they refill her medication, or how the illness interacts with nervousness and anxiety.

For whatever reason, she has done very little to actually take care of her father. I've fed him. I've driven him around. I've hung out with him and talked with him. Unlike her, I don't have some condescending laugh or smile at the way he can actually do intelligent things. When I had a part time job that took me away at night, she did not rise to the challenge. It got to the point when I had to get off from work and bring back dinner at 11 am for my 84 year old grandfather. I hated having to wake him up to get him his food just because she couldn't be bothered to look after him. One day I won't forget is that she woke up around 8 pm, asking me if he was with my brother because she didn't know where he was. I said that I doubted he was, but I'd check, and that she needed to get up and look for him. I called my brother, who said he didn't have my grandpa with him and urged me to call back my mother to see if she's found him yet. He and I were both worried, but I was the one more experienced with my mother. I knew she wouldn't have even gotten out of bed in the 5 minutes it had been. Still, I called her back. She still hadn't gotten out of bed. In the end, I think he finally heard her calling for him (he's hard of hearing) and probably came to the doorway. It's a good thing the old man with two strokes hadn't fallen or had any more problems. It's only her dad, after all.

For a long time, she wouldn't do anything around the house. We have a very large lawn and a lot of bushes, and she was spending her spring in bed rather than doing anything, leaving it all to me. Even with me working and looking after the house, she was always ready to threaten to kick me out of the house if a cup or bowl wasn't in the dishwasher at night or if she thought the bathroom that my grandpa and I shared wasn't clean enough. That bathroom was hard enough to deal with on its own as my grandpa's lack of coordination means that he urinates all over the seat at best. At his worst, he urinates over half the bathroom floor.

So anyway, I would work outside, keeping everything all bottled up despite her callous ways. Meanwhile, she would sleep all day during the week, and get ready on the weekends to go out on the town. Most of the time, this was just to bars, but there was one time when she had me drive her to Biloxi. For one, I didn't like being shanghaied into being her driver when she's the only one who wanted to go. For another, I was more worried about my grandpa than anything. Not about leaving him at home. He was in the hospital.

Earlier on that particular week, I found him collapsed in his doorway. He was unable to stand up, moaning in pain, having defecated on himself. My mom's solution was simple: clean him up and put him back in bed. Luckily, I was able to get my brother and we overruled her by calling the ambulance. He had some giant kidney stones and a bit of pneumonia. So, with my grandpa stuck in an unfamiliar place like the hospital, unable to speak, unable to do very much, she had me take her to Biloxi because she had already paid a little bit for the tickets.

As for the bars and such she goes out to, I don't have as much of a problem with that. It's my brother who disapproves of that. The main problem I have with her grabbing some random guy and saying she loves him after three weeks is that she still hasn't had a headstone put on my stepfather's grave. He was as much a father to me as my own dad, so I find it insulting that she'd take his insurance money, go claim she loves this guy she didn't know 2 months ago, and still not even put a headstone on my stepdad's grave.

I wasn't the only one who had a problem with her. My brother was also getting tired of how she acted. Being the more business and financial oriented one of the family, he disapproved of the fact that she said she was going to do her taxes for 2010 herself, and has to this day not gotten them done. Since he has a son, he also didn't like that my mother wouldn't want anything to do with her own grandson. If he brought over his son, she would just stay in her bedroom, smoking, messing around on Facebook. Eventually, he just decided he wasn't going to bring my nephew over if she wasn't even going to bother. As a peek into the mind I deal with on a daily basis, she claims my brother doesn't want her to have anything to do with his son.

Another thing that both of us dislike about her is the plastic surgery. She's gotten something done to her face already, and keeps wanting more done, but she doesn't need it. She should be saving that money or using it for something worthwhile. Except she's told us that the first face surgery was paid for by my grandpa. Sure, she looks down on my uncle for wanting to borrow $200 every now and then so he can snort some white powder, but she sees nothing wrong with making him pay $10,000 for her to get face surgery. Truth is, if any plastic surgeon knew how she really was, they wouldn't touch her. The fact that she frequently throws up her meals looks bad, but not quite as bad as the time she had a nosebleed for two weeks because she's been consuming BC powders at such a huge rate. Finally, a doctor told her she had to quite those. So now she's on to other pain relievers.

So one day we confronted her. We tried to force her to see that she's been doing the wrong thing. Laying in bed all day, claiming I'm the one not pulling my weight around here. Leaving my grandpa's care entirely up to me, a 24 year old. Not dealing with her finances, not getting her life in any sort of order after two years, just doing nothing but partying on weekends and playing on Facebook during the week. She outright admitted to a few things. 1. She does leave everything around the house up to me. 2. She doesn't want to have to do anything. She's maybe in her mid 50s, but she wants to retire. She'll outright tell my brother that it's just tough that he has to work so much to make ends meet, and claims I need to find a job (always forgetting that I have one already, on top of taking care of the house and my grandpa) to get my act together, but it's somehow ok for her to lay around doing nothing. She's just living on insurance money, going steadily broke, not wanting to work or be a parent or look after her dad anymore. I even tried to tell her that if her sickness is such a big excuse, and if her doctor got shut down for being a pill mill, then she needs a second opinion.

She declared us to be the crazy ones and her to be absolutely in the right.

For me, at least, the fear of being kicked out has been lifted. She can whine and moan about how much she says I'm not doing around here, but I don't care because I know that she won't kick me out. She'd have to be the sole person to look after all of this, including her dad, and I know she really doesn't want that. Her threats about being able to find someone who would live out here and do that as rent are idle. After all, she hasn't even bothered to look after my deceased grandma's house in the three years she's been dead. No estate sale, no renting, no selling.

Some sense did get through to my mom, to the extent that after that day, she began to be a little more active around the house. Mainly, she mows. She spends all week mowing very slowly. This wouldn't matter as much if that was the only thing that needed doing and if gas was cheaper. She's taken this mowing to mean that now she's doing all the stuff around the house instead of me, so she went back to threatening to kick me out, but that doesn't phase me a bit.

Still, some talks with her friends reveal that they also don't like her hooking up with "skanky men" and that they see her as depressed. They also revealed that some of her friends even believe all the lies she tells about me and my brothers, about how we "don't care about her" and don't take care of anything. She even avoided us for all of Mother's Day, hanging out with a couple of those friends who have been poisoned against us by her lies. When she finally got home and saw the cards and candy we had for her, she told me that we needed to find someone else to give those to and wrote "Return to Sender" on my brother's card. The next day she left two copies of some glurge poem about being old and having taken care of us and how we need to take care of blah blah blah. She stopped being the woman who took care of me too long ago for guilting to work.

Since then, my brother hasn't been coming into the house or speaking to her. He and I got his taxes for this year, though he might need a loan from my grampa to help pay off what he owes before any IRS penalties get assessed. So he had me ask her. She just tried to make some smart alec remark about how she's been telling him to save up money. So I went ahead and reminded her about her own taxes for 2010 still not even done yet and probably cost more than his due to all the penalties. She once again dragged out doing anything and so my brother had to turn to a bank that will cover most of what he owes. He had me talk to her again about a lesser amount from my grandpa. This time, the discussion turned to her wondering how he's going to pay her 2010 taxes when they're due, and why he's been mad at her. After once again pointing out how she never wants anything to do with her grandson, she once again says that my brother's the one who doesn't want her to have anything to do with him. When I report back to my brother about this, we get the latest confrontation in my family.

He goes to talk with her about this stuff, and I go along too. My plan is to hang back and let them talk about the tax stuff. Still, this gets into all kinds of ad hominem attacks from my mom and her claiming all kinds of lies about how things are. Even though I'm trying to stay out of this, she keeps on bringing me up to run her mouth off about me and eventually I did have enough. For maybe the second time in my mouth, I really lost my temper. I don't even remember everything I said to her, but the thinking part of me wasn't much in control anyway. I basically was shouting at her about all the stuff she does and doesn't do and the way things really were. If my brother hadn't told me to back off, the next events would have gone very badly for my mother.

I did back off, and I was getting my wits about me again, when my mother came up to me, half-smacked, half-grabbed at my throat, brought her face up to mine, and for some reason thought she was being intimidating or threatening. Honestly, if I'd been as angry that second as I had been a few before, she'd have been lucky to only be bleeding for two weeks. Even now, in a right state of mind, I must confess that I regret not doing anything physical to her about her putting her hands on me.

Still, at that time, she was completely off the rails. She was claiming I and my brother are kicked off the property and that she'd call the cops on us. She then declared that my brother was the reason my stepfather was dead because he told my stepdad that it was okay to go on.

That was a few days ago. No one's been kicked off the property, though mom's illness has suddenly gone into the sort of remission that hypochondria does whenever the person who has it gets angry. Last I saw of her, she was washing the car at midnight. I've been avoiding her, though I find myself disliking the idea she might get in her head that she somehow cowed me into submission with her stupidity.

If I didn't have such high student loans and could afford to live on my own, I would be great. I would be at my absolute happiest if I never had to see or hear my mother or anything about her for the rest of my life.
OnceAndDone OnceAndDone
May 25, 2012