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I Will Never Find Peace So Long As My Mother Doubts Me

I wish I could say I love my mom. I wish I could say I had a good life. I always wish that my mother's actions were just some terrible nightmare, and I would wake up to my mom telling me everything will be alright. If only the world was that kind... I guess I can start with her story. My mom grew up in an island country to a very well off family. She attended all girl schools, was showered in handmade clothes and dolls, and had many friends. She had a perfect life growing up, and she had a perfect life with my dad. Then her mistake comes along. According to her, I was a mistake. She only kept me because of religion, not because she cared. She surely reminded me that every day. I have a social disorder that makes talking extremely difficult for me to have friends. We didn't know at the time, but she always threw me in front of all her friends. The attention would make me so nervous I couldn't move or even breathe. I passed out several times because of this, and each time I was punished. I only had one friend when I was small, and when we got separated, she said she didn't want me to see him again because he was "too weird". I started falling into depression and became suicidal when I was about 7 years old. I was the omega in my class. Girls would tell me I was disgusting and was better off dead. Boys would beat me up until I bled. I still remember how much it hurt. I would come home a mess and my mom would call me a dirty pig for looking gross. When I would explain what happened to her, she told me it was my fault or she didn't care. She would spend more time talking on the phone than with me. I had no friends at the time, and didn't get one until I was 14. Her and her friends were the nicest people I have ever met. After a year of friendship, she died after being beaten to death by her ex on the way home from work one night. I couldn't go to her funeral. I was crushed. All I had were her drawings and memories. My mother still doesn't know what happened. She was more focused on making me the perfect lady. I got so depressed I ate a ton and gained 50 pounds because nobody would listen to my story. All the while my mother would tell me she was ashamed of having a disgusting daughter and that I should thank her for not getting rid of me. She has forced me to talk to other girls who bully me and make me depressed so I can be normal like them. I recently got my act together, worked around my disorders, and am working on making better friends. I did all this without her help, and she's still forcing me to be someone else. My mother always reminded me of how I ruined her life just because I was alive, how I should be ashamed for breathing... I recently went into my room after being gone for a year and saw that all my personal things were gone and replaced with frilly objects that didn't represent who I was. My friend's drawings were also thrown away. She said it was all garbage and I should forget about her. How could I forget the person who was more of a mother to me than my actual mother? I also remember her trying to toss out my favorite clothes and replacing it with frills. I said that my clothes represented me. She only yelled "Well nobody likes the real you!!! You're creepy and weird!!!" and got rid of my other clothes. Its been three months since ive spoken to her. Not once has my mother tried to understand me. She only forces me to be some helpless, corset wearing china doll girl that faints at the drop of a hat. I never want to get married or have kids because I don't ever want to become her. She tells me I should be thankful she gave birth to me, but I wish she just let me die. I'm only good for being a Barbie doll... I wish she would stop...
Sakura9949 Sakura9949 18-21, F 4 Responses Jul 16, 2012

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sakura please don't let what this narcissist witch did to you make you not want children. My mom was like this , just mean to the core. I have never met anyone who is so hateful and manipulative. I was taught early on that I was nobody to her, while my two older brothers were golden. I am no contact with her now after she shut me out of my dads death and funeral. You need to research daughter of narcissist mother, mine was also covert, always stirring up things and backing off and coming out smelling like a rose. She took great pleasure in hurting and humiliating me. Your mom is like this also, she really enjoys being mean and hurting you. Your anxiety about speaking in public and being around people is to be expected when you are treated as you are a nothing. Have you ever noticed the pleasure she gets from hurting and humiliating you? You will never please her and she will never treat you like a real mother. If you can go low contact or preferably no contact you will really benefit in the end. She will never change and she will hurt you until her last breath . I had a daughter and I had absolutely no interest from my mother then either. But I have such a love and compassion for my own daughter and I believe it comes from being hurt so much that I know I could never hurt my own daughter. You will make a great mom because you know what not to do., The reason it is so hard to make friends is you do not trust anyone, why should you ,you were taught you can't even trust your own mom. You feel as if no one can love you because again, if your mom can't love you who will? Believe me there is someone out there that will love you back. Leave this woman as soon as you can for your own sanity.

I feel like I'm reading a journal entry from myself... I know exactly how you feel, and it sucks. I'm in my 20s now, but I had crippling social anxiety as a kid, and my mom treated me the same way yours does. I was a "nerd," and I wasn't pretty, but I was happy with the few "nerdy" friends I had. Fast forward to high school, and I was so convinced I was a failure that the pressure really did drive me to become what my mom apparently wanted me to be: a popular, well dressed, ***** that other nerds were afraid to speak to. Guess what? She still hated me and criticized everything I did. I landed one of the most competitive internships in my field of study (for a television show she'd been watching for years) she STILL was not impressed. My point is, you won't win, and the sooner you reject her advances the better. Misery loves company and because she isn't okay with herself, she feels the need to drag you down with her. As for the getting married and having kids part, you are not your mother, don't let her failure sway you. You sound intelligent and thoughtful and I bet you'd make a kickass mom someday.

I'm so sorry to read about the way your mother has mistreated, rejected, ignored, and abused you. But I hope you don't beleive what you've said in your title here. There is likely nothing you can ever in order to 'win' your mother's love and approval at this point. She doesn't deserve you, she doesn't deserve to be looked up to or impressed. I suggest you find a way to get out of your mother's circle and focus on making yourself happy, not this disgusting monster of a mother of yours. She will continue ruining your health and self-esteem for as long as she can.

Your mother is such a *****.<br />
If I were you, you make yourself a beautiful lady!<br />
Study hard, work out, socialize, etc to the extent that your mom can't say you're worthless.<br />
Work hard, earn a lot of money, get your own house/apartment, buy a car, marry a nice guy, have a lot of children and be a loving mom!!<br />
Then someday you can prove your mom wrong!! ^^