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My Mother Wants What?

I am on the face of this earth because my puke bucket of a father had an affair behind his wifes back with my cumbank of a mother when she was 18. My father was never intending to commit to my mother and left me with no chance to contact him. My mother played the desperate single mother hand: single mothers being frowned upon in the early 70's and consequently went from friend to friend virtually couch surfing with me as a baby as she did not get on with her parents so she refused their help. Her hand was forced the night she was caught with a group of friends breaking into a house with me when I was 2. Of course she went to jail and I was taken to my grandparents, her parents at 2 am. The best years of my life were living with them, my grandmother felt so sorry for me and always admired the way I had to cope because I had such a hard life but if you got on the wrong side of my grandmother you knew it. My grandfather was the closest thing to a dad I ever had and if you didnt get along with him it was your problem not his. Anyway my mum and grandparents and I all lived together quite ok because my grandmother kept my mum in line. My mum worked and I stayed with nanna all day everyday, it was heaven. A great example of my mums disgraceful attitude to me presented itself when one hot day when I was 3 I had been hassling nanna to go to the beach. She said I should as my mum when she gets home. When I did my mother slapped my 3 year old face and my grandmother went mad at my mum and insisted she justify herself, my mother mistook beach for ***** apparently and assumed I had called her a *****.. It was the beginning of a downward spiral. My mum got married when I was 5 to my stepwanker, though now I regard him as Jewish people regard hitler. He was a tirant and hated me from the start. I dont think he had many girlfriends before he met my mum and he clearly thought I was in the way. I was whipped for the smallest indiscretion kicked under tables held off the floor by my throat when all the while I was wondering why doesnt my mum stop this. Of course his darling daughter they had together couldn do wrong. My mum never really proved that she cared. When I was 7 I cut all the way through to the bone with some iron on my right hand. But it served me right because I shouldnt have been climbing the fence. Despite the fact there was a drs surgery a 2min walk awayI sufferred with that hand undressed all day becuase their darling infant duaghter was asleep. She got impatient with me when I was 5 because I couldnt tie my shoes and pushed ne so I fell backwards and knocked me. out on the concrete around the fire place. I could go on with stories like this, being whipped with a belt until I bled for knocking over a bucket of water or hit in the face by a belt buckle or whipped because I asked my grandmother if I could stay the night which she would never mind. But in more recent times my ex partner kidnapped my son and my mum knew her whereabouts but would not tell me. Consequently my ex partner mananged to get m son overseas. I suffered somuch after that and struggled to get my life back on track. I stayed with a totally feral cousin of mine who kicked me out on xmas night at around 10pm the day after I had payed her rent so I had like $50. I asked my mum if she could help and as she did with my ex took the opposing side and said do what I can. It was a huge mistake to stay with my mu and stepwanker 2 months later it only lasted about 4 days anyway. I was at uni and trying to work. One day my mum came out and said she had never bonded with me so I also assume never loved me which would explain why she critised me 4 times within 20 min of getting out of bed. I knew we had a tumultuos relationship in the past but I let it slide when she complained how late it was when I got up at 8am or how I looked so shabby i the things I had worn to bed or how I never ate breakfast and how I did the dishes. I bit my tongue. The clincher was when I asked to borrow $40 for 5 days for a bus ticket etc to get to uni. I simply asked she said ask again tomorrow but she never really intended to. I was working and could easily pay it back. Well she got the stepwanker involved, huge tirade, he was lucky I didnt break his neck with how rude he was so left with no option I grabbed all I could carry and hit the street. That was in march last year. I was homeless for 2 months. In that time I have reestablished contact with my son, found myself in another relationship and have a new 1 month old son, who I better go check on. But the only contact I allow my mother is through facebook, she doesnt know my address or phone number but wants to have contact with my new son. My partner says she would rather my mum stays away. I feel as though in some way I am depriving my son but I also feel I am protecting him. After my mums complete lack of judgement I deem it necessary, she cannot be held responsible in any part if this relationship breaks down. I also hopes she realises how much she has hurt me by hurting her a bit too. In that time though I tried killing myself 3 times since my ex left with my son. I ended up in a psyche ward for depression and found myself homeless. No matter what after all the people who I know who have died by their own hand someone will care. I dont like it and Idont want anyone to. I will care. If I can change it all around I know anyone else can. Keep the networks open and even on here, someone will hear you.
grizzleguts grizzleguts 36-40 Aug 6, 2012

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