Post

Not 'hate', But...

First, My English is not so good, so please pardon the grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. :( I'm not from English-speaking country.
I have no sisters or brothers. My farther is working somewhere else; I don't know what he is doing because I don't keep in touch with him. So it's just my mom, aunt, and me living in our house.
We don't have much time to talk, nor can we be bothered to talk to each other. We just do things in our own in our spare time. I usually play computer games or scribble by using computer. Recently my mom is trying to keep me away from the computer and make me study. I understand why she is doing that, and I want to be productive myself instead of sitting in front of my computer for 6 hours. But the way she is making me to stop playing computer games is just... making me mad. She yells at me, then just takes off the hard disc from the computer. When I'm doing something with it. She always does that. The fact that she is also addicted to computer (She won't get away from it unless she's working) and doesn't seem like she cares about the situation much is making me feel even worse. Then I hit her. It's not somethimg a grown up, respectful person that I aim to be like would do, is it? Well she hits me too, yelling "Parents can hit children, but children can't!! What kind of child are you?! You are not my daughter! Don't call me mom! I never want to have a daughter like you!"
The best solution would be not playing computer games at all, but then I think of lame excuses such as 'i don't have anything better to do, and so doesn't my mom
. It's okay to play computer games..' or forget about the situation that happenes before, and then sit in front of computer... And the same thing happens to us. It's getting worse and worse.
I'm thinking of not using the computer for at least 1 week to show my mom what I can do... I'm certain she'll change. And that's what I would hate to see. How she acts like a completly diffrent person to me. Or maybe that's just my imagination... I feel like a good friend to my friends in school, but I'm treated like a person who shouldn't be in this world. (That could be just my imagination, too... but that's how I felt when she was scolding me. :/ ) I'm confused about this. She might send me to my father because she thinks she shouldn't live like this. I don't want to go to my father's house because I'll never see my close friends if I do. I'm shy to new people, it will take long time to make friends. :(
As I said, I'll try to not use computers as possible, but I don't know if I can stop feeling hatred to my mom and change myself a bit. I think I'll start to hate my mom even more after seeing her smiling and acting like a completly different person. I can't forget what my mom said while fighting, and she's just telling me to do things even she can't do. It's not serious compared to everyone else here, but I don't want to let this happen again.
hellomoth hellomoth 13-15, F Aug 12, 2012

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