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I'll Never Love My Mother Again

As a child, you think that your mother is the most beautiful and wonderful woman in the world.
At one time, I truly Loved my Mother. She was a stay at home mom, & took great care of the house & Our family. As time went on, my mother got really depressed, & it seemed like everything I did made her mad. She'd yell and cuss at me for no reason, she'd nap for hours during the day and wouldn't let me out of my room for food & when I snuck out because I was so hungry, she'd whip me. This went on for a few years and I still loved her, but my freshman year of high school was the turning point. She was going through a nervous break down & I was the target of all of her anger. She'd Pass me in the hall & slam my head in the wall. She'd catch me taking a nap after school and Beat me with a broom, I was afraid to come home because she would wait for me at the door. She'd throw ash trays and Dishes at me, my father worked at a very dangerous Job and she would tell me she hoped he'd die. Her words hurt more than her hitting me. She never had anything nice to say, " You're getting bigger", "You're so Ugly", "Nobody wants a fat girlfriend" "I wish You were never born", you're so F***** stupid" (ect). I took it in stride, & Told my dad, but where he worked such long hours and was never home, he thought I was over exaggerating. So I let it go, but one day My mother was taking me grocery shopping with her and started speeding up the car. You could feel he car raise up on two wheels as she went around curves. Then suddenly she let go of the wheel and said "I hope we die, I don't want to live anymore" with her foot still on the gas. I tried to steer as best as I could, & we almost crashed a couple times, but she calmed down and got the car back under control. As soon as we stopped I called my grandmother at the nearest payphone and she came and took me home with her. That night my mom came to her house and beat her up. They finally sent her away for treatment. It was the happiest 3 months f my life. I was so happy that she was gone. I did well in school cause I wasn't dreading to go home, I was able to sleep better at night, My dad and I were actually laughing in that house ( which never happened when she was there) She wasn't missed, I wished she'd stay gone forever. As soon as she came home, something was different. Before she left It had been so long since I've been happy that I was numb to the fact she was actually abusive, I was use to it. But when I saw her come through that door, something in me changed. She wanted a hug and I went to my room and Cried. I didnt want her home. My dad tried to tell me "Its ok, she's better now" but It wasn't. It got better for a short while, but when I turned 16 I met a boy ( My Husband) We fell in love and after a year together we found out I was pregnant. I told my mom, & she told me to abort it, when I refused, she tried to " Beat it out of me" as she said. My husband ( who was waiting outside) heard me screaming burst through the door and threw her up against the wall. He saved our daughter and Me. she didn't talk to me for five months. & Suddenly called one day. She apologized and I forgave her. Things got worse, after I had her, my mother tried to keep my husband away from us, & told me if I didn't break up with him, she'd shoot him. so for 4 months my mother kept me isolated & I was so depressed. one day she got mad at me, because her aunt was dieing, & said a bunch of hurtful things to me. Finally, the straw that broke the camels back was when she said " You deserve to be alone"...I blacked out, & beat her like she beat me for all those years. It felt really liberating, & to this day, I'm not sorry for it. I called my baby's father and he came for me & our child, we've been inseparable since. She had put me through so much, & I'll never love her again. She's not that woman I looked up to as a child. Now in my 20's & pregnant with our 2nd child, I never want my children to know the pain that I felt. I want them to feel like my arms are the safest place in the world. I'm nothing like her, & I never want to be anything like her. The day she dies, I won't shed one, single tear.
StrongerThanHer StrongerThanHer 22-25, F Aug 13, 2012

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