I Need To Let Go Of My Anger, Hate, Hurt And Pain

Accepting my feelings and articulating them has been hard, social convention and guilt have allowed me to bottle things up and hide away but now I am faced with going back to ' the scene of the crime' I have to do something before I explode, implode and take those I do care about with me. Here goes, just a snippet, as I get braver and start to heal more, the jumbled mess may start levelling out so it makes more sense.

Why I have strong dislike/hate my mother:
My childhood memories are splattered with feelings of sadness and scapegoating within my nuclear family. I never felt loved or cherished I suppose by my parents. I never did anything right and was always generally blamed for whatever went wrong by my mother. I recall five particular occassions which I will share for now.

My earliest childhood memory of my mother being uncaring she had hurt me. Scenario, I'm about 4/5 and its a sunday we are getting ready to go to church and we are having breakfast. I'm moving about in the only way a 5 year old can and scald myself on the inside of my left thigh (scar still exists) on the hot aluminium teapot on the floor. My sister or someone calls my mother to say I was being naughty, jumping around or something like that. My mother comes in with a belt ( she is from the hitting the child school) and whips me. That's fine I guess (yes different schools now exist on the matter). Problem is she does it so hard I get skinned where she has lashed me. I tell her look, you've hurt me. I recall the look on her face as an adult I would call that disgust think. She didn't even come and look she just walked away saying that what you deserve. Yes on the way to church......

My maternal grandmother saying to my mother,after one of her many digs at me, Don't do that, you will make the child sad. My mother's standard viewpoint was I made myself unhappy. I was around 7. When I was elected head girl at primary school my mother on one occassion said to me: some people now think they are all that just because they are head girl. I recall being stunned as I had not done anything particular to deserve that... At least it was never pointed out to me by her. I was 12. The last two I can't exactly remember which came first. Having spent the full term (3 months) at boarding school one year with no home visits, I got home with Dad who had just come to pick me and my sister up. I had not even left the car and was picking up my bag when from inside the house my mother's irritable voice demanded to know where a particular new dress of hers was ( bought while i was at school i understood) She proceeded to say: it's that Gina she's the one responsible for misplacing it! I was hurt beyond words and gobsmacked. My father hearing this too tried to soften it by saying: it's because she missed you or something to that extent. The last thing I will say is of the occassion she shouted at me on the streets in public. Beings nurse she worked shifts and carried a packed lunch. On this occassion she did not take it to work with her as no one had bought the necessary ingredients the day before or we had run out. I can't recall which. Anyhow I was sent to town to fetch said ingredients. I was walking back ( home to town was a good 15-20 minute walk if not longer but that's the time I did it), anyhow we met halfway, her enroute to work. She proceeded to yell at me about how I was now causing her to go hungry, I was to go home and follow her to her work and bring her her lunch, as punishment I was to walk all the way and she wanted it by a certain time. Distance wise it probably close to a 10km round trip. She walked off and this group of people, a man and two women I think, approached me to console and empathise with me. The man said: don't you worry child. These surburbian ladies are all abut cruel. They treat their housemaids badly. You should move and find other employment . Her treatment of me had been deemed so bad that I could only be a servant!!

I had no relationship with my mother, which is why it ****** me off no end now when she says stuff like 'you are our pride and joy, I love you'. I think I bought that respect. I felt compelled to prove I was not the lazy good for nothing who would turn into a prostitute like she used to say to me when she was angry or frustrated about something. Of course you can't disown your parents: at least i can't. Another thing is you were never heard or your expression was not allowed. I remember thinking I needed to see a psychiatrist when I was about 11. The only thing that stopped me self referring was the fact she worked at that hospital and the medic was bound to tell her what with me being a minor.

DId she have a hard time growing up, yes. Her father was murdered when she was young and she took up looking after the family. But does that excuse her? To add to her hurt, my dad then went on and cheated on her with her own sister and a child was produced. Is she bitter, yes. Now she is older and to some extent having to rely on her children as is the culture and she is trying I guess to be the mother she should have been but BLOODY HELL! you cannot just pick up where you left off! You have to ask for permission. I'm not a defenceless, penniless child, I'm grown up so do not try to put me back in that place.

To some extent I want to lash out at her but I also believe in not hurting others being as I've been there myself. I want acknowledgement she was a bad mother to me. I actually wonder why she had me, 6 years after my sister. Was I an accident or an attempt to mend a marriage?

GinR GinR
Sep 6, 2012