My Mother, The Christian School Teacher/principal/minister Was A Phony...

I am one of three children, The middle child and the only girl. It took me until I was 29 years old to finally understand that in order for me to live a stable, emotionally well life, I would have to cease all contact with my mother. From as early as I can recall my mother was a name caller. To all of us children but especially to me as I became a pre-teen and into adulthood. The name calling began with stupid and dumb but quickly escalated into names that would attack my basic femininity. Names like *****, ****, prostitute. Of course there was no basis for these names (I didn't even lose my virginity until I was 21) but her desire and need to attack my spirit... to belittle and degrade me as a form of discipline was rampant. I grew up thinking this was normal.

While on an intellectual level I knew that something was amiss, I kept wanting to be accepted by my mother. After all, she worked very hard at maintaining appearances. She was a private Christian School Principal as well as a "minister" and everyone looked up to her. I would hear her giving parenting advice to other parents, and preaching to everyone about family and parenthood yet our family structure didn't reflect that. We never ate dinner together, never had breakfast, wore the same dirty clothes all the time as our washer/dryer never really worked and there was no routine in the home. The same routine she preached to everyone else.

Our home was absolutely filthy! We had mice and ants growing all over our house at all times yet none of that was important to my mother. She just wanted to continue fooling "other people." She was obsessed with what the outside world thought of her. I remember one time when I took a bath (age 12). I got out of the tub and went into my room. My mother immediately burst into the room (she never knocked even into my adulthood) and said, "get back in there and clean the bathroom!" At that moment my father was climbing the stairs and he asked, "what's wrong? What did she do?" My mother replied, "Nothing! I don't know, the bathroom just smells like her!" From that moment on I was obsessed with my female parts and took unhealthy measures to never have a regular feminine odor.

My mother used to tell me that nobody liked me, everyone always talks about me behind my back, that I have/had no friends and that she was my only best friend in the world... she used to exclaim that if I would just "come under subjection" that the Lord would start to bless me! She constantly told me how I was going to hell and that I was "of the devil."

I had awful acne throughout the majority of my life. Instead of taking me to a dermatologist my mother would tell me that the Lord gave me acne because I was evil... And that the devil was using me... And all I had to do was pray and ask God why I had bad skin. A lot of my friends were members of the church and school where our family basically lived...my mother would use her position as their principal/mentor/minister to ask them questions about me. Then she'd tell me that no one cares about me and that my "so called friends (her favorite phrase)" tell her everything about me.

Into my teens and early adulthood I still lived at home. My mother would yell and scream all the time and throw me out pretty much every other day, sometimes in the middle of the night. She would simply lock the door behind me and I'd be out in the streets for the night. No where to go, no car, just walking the streets. My father had a massive stroke 9 years ago and she told me that the devil was punishing our family because I drank wine. And that the Lord was never gonna heal my father as long as there were wine bottles in the house, and of course, it was my fault. My father has since died. My mother also told me that I was jealous of her because she had a husband...yet her husband was my father...that statement alone was borderline incestuous! My mother has called me names such as gold digger, tramp, etc. while also telling me that the only reason men want me is because I sleep with them.

I could go on and on but I finally had to protect myself and start living. Not simply existing while trying to get this adult-child woman (my mother) to accept me. I have stopped taking her calls, I do not respond to anything she sends to me as her words no longer have any power over me. It took me a long time to realize that I am valuable and lovable just the way I am. Even though the one person who should have felt the innate duty to nurture and support me, tried to break my spirit. I will never understand why my mother didn't love me. Or why she didn't view me as a life to shape but rather as another female intruding on her territory. I will never understand why my mother forged relationships with other females my age that she could mentor yet she couldn't be any of that to me.

I have moved on with my life and I am well. I am happy and grateful for the many people I have met in life who love me simply because of who I am. I don't doubt myself anymore. I don't question if I am good enough, I simply live. I am happier than I have ever been. I look forward to the day when I have children. I will be sure to do my best at nurturing and loving them just for who they are.

Mothers are simply human beings who had children. If they haven't worked out their own childhood wounds, they are more than likely going to inflict the same emotional torture on their own children. Know that it isn't your fault. You owe your parents nothing but respect. And it's OK to respectfully decline to allow them to be a part of your adult life. Sharing your life with others as an adult is a choice. Choose wisely. Be well!
mellinprincess mellinprincess
31-35
Sep 16, 2012