Never Was My Mother

My parents were two of the most evil people I've ever encountered in my lifetime. My father was not involved in my life and didn't care if I lived or died. He didn't even know my name. My mother repeatedly abused me throughout my childhood and told me that I was nothing but trash. She also told anyone else who would listen that I was garbage. (I now realize that it was a strategy she took to protect herself and prevent anyone from helping me.) She would beat me unmercifully for the smallest mistakes and deliberately put me in harms way. I was molested and beaten by my older siblings for many years. My earliest memories are of being forced to bend over a chair and having my face smashed into the cushions while my brother tried to sodomize me. This went on until I began menstruating at the age of 9. Mother never tried to stop him and even laughed when my sister and I went to her for help. She told us that he did those things because he loved us. She herself used to play a sick game called "pie crusher" where she would hold my legs in the air and rub her foot on my pubic area. (I know realize that she was grooming me for sex from a very early age.) This "game" started when I was very young - maybe 4 or 5 - maybe earlier. She allowed my older siblings to beat me like a dog. I went to school many times beaten and bruised with black eyes, split lips and injuries that would not be easily explained away as childhood shenanigans. When I got older and wanted the abuse to stop, she maligned my reputation by telling everyone that I was a ***** and a disrespectful child who was out of control. (In fact I was a straight A student and usually always the teacher's pet.) She began locking me out of the house overnight at age 9. I was put into foster homes where others tried to abuse me. Social workers, child "advocates" and family court judges all told me I was garbage. An older boy decided to claim me as his and impregnated me at the age of 12. He abused me physically, sexually and emotionally until I was 15 and ran away on my own. By the time I got away from him I suffered numerous injuries that still affect me today. I have spine and hip damage. My mother hated him at first because she thought he was going to cause trouble for her. She never wanted anyone else to care for me. When she saw that he was just as sick and vicious as her, she became his friend and ally. He even beat me in my mother's home where I lived. It was never my home really but I did live there with brothers and sisters. I was the youngest of 12 siblings. At that time my siblings ranged in age from about 17 to 35; they did nothing to protect me from the abusive boy, my mother or the other abusive family members. My mother sat back and took no responsibility for my hellish existence. I lived with being abused in every way until I was about 15. By this time I had 2 children and no help whatsoever from my family. I ran away with another family who was willing to let me stay with them. My mother and other family members made up all kinds of horrible stories about me. They told people that I was a prostitute, a *****, filthy street **** who would sleep with anyone. They also made me out to be the most disrespectful and out of control child that ever lived. Not a bit of truth to any of it but I think it was done to distance my mother and themselves from any culpability. I was repeatedly chastised by complete strangers who told me I was trash and should be grateful that my mother helped me at all. She never did help me. I struggled to raise my children on my own. She did all she could to interfere with my relationship with them. She told them I was a wild trashy ***** and they didn't have to listen to me. She regularly called in false reports to social services and told me she was going to have them taken from me. They were the only people in the world who loved me at all and she wanted to destroy that. She still tries to this day. I have no contact with her or any of my siblings but sometimes my oldest child talks to my mother. I hate that fact but she is an adult now and seems to understand what is going on. My mother still bad mouths me and tells people I am a no good mother and a trashy ****. It's gotten old for me and I just hate her. I don't care about her at all but the memories are sometimes too much for me. She has damaged me beyond repair and I hate her for it. She never loved me and has so many excuses for being a hateful, evil *****. I don't care if her parents abused her. I don't care if my father abused her. I don't care if she mentally ill. I have all of the same problems thanks to her but I'm not a *********; nor do I hurt my children at every turn. I would trust a stranger on a street corner before I trusted my mother or one of my siblings. They are all sick people and deserve to burn in hell for eternity. Karma is amazing. The two brothers who were most responsible for the sick abuse have suffered a lot. One of them died after a long debilitating illness and the other has been an invalid in the hospital for over 20 years because someone got tired of his sh** and cleaned his clock. Oh how my mother cried for her boys. Her rapist ********* boys. My brothers always had something going on in court. They were repeatedly accused of rape and molestation but mother always managed to get them out of it by hiring some dirty lawyer without a conscience. Other girls thought they were so attractive and handsome but they never listened when I tried to warn them. I was just a trouble-making piece of trash after all.

I heard my mother is ill and probably dying. Guess what? I think she deserves everything she has coming to her. My siblings can burn in hell as well. Those that took part in my abuse and those who stood back and watched it happen. I would like to say to them.

"F*** all of you and I hope the devil is gnawing on your *** or hot on your heels. You all deserve whatever hell you have waiting for you. You will pay for what you've done."

Sincerely, Tracy Ann aka "Baby Ann"
deleted deleted
26-30
5 Responses Dec 10, 2012

When your mother dies no one could blame you for DANCING ON HER GRAVE!! You deserved nothing she did and if I were you I would throw a party and celebrate when she dies.

I can't agree with you more, I posted some of what I have been through, and I agree, my mother bad mouths me ALL THE ******* TIME, so that no one will believe me, she says I am a druggie, and that I do cocaine. Mothers like ours deserve to go to hell and they DEFINITELY DIDNT DESERVE TO HAVE US AS THEIR CHILDREN. We are lucky that we will NEVER BE LIKE THEM because guess what? WE AREN'T SICK BASTARDS. We have a conscience and we know what REAL LOVE is. Bless you and I wish you nothing but love and happiness for you. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. Much love.

...First off, your mother sexually abused you as well.
...Secondly, you were scapegoated:
http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

But you beat it. You didn't pass on the abuse. That makes you better than them.

God bless you x you poor woman x I hope you can still live some kind of normal life after such horrific abuse by the people who should have protected and loved you the most x this is so so sad x I hope that with the unconditional love your children give you that you can still see good in life. I wish you a happy and peacefull future and your family will pay for their dreadfully deeds one day xx

You are not trash; I love that you are so strong to stand up and live through this disgusting abuse.
I have the utmost respect for you for being able to come out of this and survive.
You give me reassurance that I'm not alone in terms of having to deal with past memories of domestic violence.
Stay Strong.