***** Of Living

I recently had to move back home and transfer schools because I couldnt afford where I was living anymore. I was working full time and going to school full time, because my mom doesnt think that she has to help me through college. She always thinks Im bullying her and my sister, when she has no idea that shes the reason why Im so angry all the time. She ******* blew all of the money she had on useless **** as an adolescent, didnt go to college like me, and only had to work and care for herself. Does she not realize that my depression stems from her incompetence as a mother to me?
She talks to me like I'm a child, yet she makes me assume the responsibilities of an adult. Her whole role as a mother to me is a ******* joke and I cant stand it. Yesterday my little sister smacked me, and she did NOTHING about it, yet when I yelled and screamed at the injustice of what just happened, I was the one who needed to be reprimanded. I dont resort to physical violence, Im a respectable human being and I have been through too many traumatic events where violence just seems horrific to me.
I have no where to go so I'm forced to stay living in the same house as her. Might I add that I, a 19 year old woman, am forced to live in a sun room off of the kitchen, with no door and a sheer curtain as my only form of privacy, yet my brothers who are 9 get my old bedroom when they barely even use it. One of them doesnt even sleep in there. I have been trying so hard to deal with what I have and be grateful that I was able to move back "home", but after constant nagging of "what's wrong with you?" and the always enjoyable "who the hell do you think youre talking to?" I can't take it.
If I am to be treated like ****, then my personality and the way I communicate with you will be that of ****. I dont know whats so hard to figure out about that.
She says Im not quite yet an adult, but after everything I have been through, it is enough to have lived three ******* lifetimes. Granted, she doesnt know about everything that had happened to me, but regardless you dont treat your first born child the way my mother treats me. I am getting to the point where I am so depressed with my situation, I just want to get on a plane, train, random car picking me up on the side of the road, bike, ANYTHING, and just get out of here for good. Just completely disappear from her life and make her as depressed as I am.
The sickest part is that I feel guilty about all of this. I have tried so hard to make the best of my situation, but no matter what I do the reality that I have no money, no resources, and no hope, pushes its way to the front of my soul and it hurts so bad.
I love my mom so much. So much. But even with the love I have for her and the love she has for me, the feelings I have towards my life right now are much stronger than any amount of guilt and love. I just want to cry and punch **** and run away and be a stupid kid with no responsibilities. No worrying about how I'll pay off my thousands of dollars worth of bills, no panic attacks in the middle of the night from my PTSD, and no more emotions that negatively effect my soul.

**** this.
nonapplicable nonapplicable
Dec 13, 2012